Is MIL taking over or am i being PFB?

[Spuddybean]

Hi All. I am genuinely flip flopping between whether IABU or not so i thought i would ask you for thoughts. I may be too close to the situation to see it rationally so i would appreciate some impartial advice.

Long story short - Pils don't speak to me, they banned me from their home 2 years ago. They are bizarre people with very odd behaviours. They basically try to impose their opinion on people and get extremely hurt and defensive when they don't toe the line. They then don't argue or discuss it, they just ban people from their home. They never leave home (only for local shops and car boot sales). They have never visited DP before or since we have been together.

So now i am due our 1st baby in August and MIL appears to be buying EVERYTHING for it. She has sent DP a list of all the stuff bought so far. These include, among other things, Cot , Pram, nursery furniture, clothes, kitchen equipment, car seat etc. And is saying she is still getting more stuff. She has not asked what i think or anything about my opinion. (She also keeps calling it her precious grandson, when we don't even know what gender it is).

These are all from car boots and internet, which i don't mind at all. However, although we would have bought second hand stuff, they would have been our choice. I have (as usual 1st mum) been researching best prams/cots etc. And as a new mum i am excited about choosing these things together with DP.

So is she just being nice or controlling? DP thinks it's great, as she is showing an interest in baby and it means everything will be free (he doesn't really care whether things match or understand why i would enjoy choosing my own stuff).

She has a history of insisting we have her choice of stuff and then going off if we say no. I just feel i am being excluded from my own baby. I feel that she has had hers and now she's trying to take over mine. I just feel like an incubator for her 'precious grandson' - altho she doesn't seem to have registered that she will never see it if things remain as they are.

Sorry for being a bit rambling. Could someone shake me and give me a dose of reality. AIBU?

you've not got an easy life ahead of you, op

I'd emigrate.alone

Well when you emigrate your H will never see them again - thank god!

Take what you want and ebay the rest.

I think the op "baby's" her dh same as the MIL baby's him

get the hell out now op

I too think your dp actually encourages hos mother in her behaviour by allowing it to happen he isnt concidering your feelings at all sounds a bit like a like mother like son situation and if you keep being a door mat making allowances for him he will be a carbon copy of his mother in years to come

Well that's the point really - i don't make allowances for him and i don't coo and say what he wants to hear (i certainly don't baby him but it has been a hard learning curve for DP). He knows that's right as well, and has often said it is what he needs, but a part of him still craves the attention from them and the dynamic is dysfunctional and hard to break.

I would never dream of giving DP ultimatums about seeing his parents. However, i don't feel i have to see them either, to keep peace or appease them. This is why we have the situation we have.

TBH i am completely happy with things the no contact the way it is as i do not have to deal with the frothing madness - But i get annoyed when they overstep the mark and try to encroach me. This happens when MIL buys stuff. I feel she is not sticking to the bargain as it were.

Spuddy, given his family dynamic, emigration seems even more of a leap than it would be for everyone else. He loses his ego-stroker-on-tap. And didn't she weep and wail and tear her clothes etc? How on earth did that plan come into being?

whereyou it is his idea actually - altho both of us are excited about it. He has wanted to move for ages and applied for the visa 5 years ago.

His parents are really encouraging him too (they think he will make more money there i think). DP only visits every other month anyway and he will still probably come back that frequently so it wont make any difference to them tbh.

He wants his own family (as do i) and to start somewhere different. I will feel happier further away from them too!

YANBU, this woman clearly has issues & I wouldn't want my child anywhere near her tbh. Get DP to grow a pair & tell her where to get off.

I only suggested emigrate as a tongue in cheek joke, missed that bit!

I think it is clear she is doing a nice thing in a not nice way.

So it is bound to rile, even while you wonder whether you should be more grateful!

I think your DP should absorb the communication involved in responding to the updates, accepting the gear etc. This should shield you from the worst of it, as he isn't as bothered as you understandably are.

You should explain that putting care and love into providing the baby things is one of the instincts a mother has and he needs to accept it even if he doesn't understand it.

He then needs to protect you from any fall-out following any perceived failure by her of whatever response she wants/actually gets. If she presses for a visit once baby is here he needs to explain that she will need to at least be civil to her PFB GS/D mother if she wants to have any contact.

Coming back to this thread because im wondering how the baby shopping is going? Have you managed to buy some lovely things that will banish the mil's choices from your home and mind? i really hope so

UPDATE DP has been told his job is moving to the US. We are going in 2 months before the baby is born (apologies as i'm not sure of the etiquette - i have a thread in Chat about the move). I had selected all the nice things i wanted and fortunately not purchased anything yet!. So i thought well at least this will solve the interfering mad MIL problem. BUT NOOOOO - DP told her about the move and the first thing she said was 'i will organise shipping all the tat stuff i have bought for the baby over'. SIGH!

DP told me this and i said don't you think this has gone far enough and you should tell her we don't want it? and he said no - he will let her ship it and still throw it away. So she will be shipping things to the US which cost pennies from the car boot sale only to be binned!

UTTER MADNESS AND DENIAL FROM BOTH OF THEM!

Go shopping get some things and make it clear the tat wont be needed

OP, that's insane!

I would not accept one single thing from people who banned me from their house and wouldn't speak to me. Incredibly negative and controlling (well it would be if you were bothered by not seeing them!). The fact that these people are your in-laws and will be grandparents to your baby makes it doubly bad. How dare they treat you like that but impose their purchases and decisions on you?!

Buying things for your baby is a lovely thing to do, very exciting and you will want to choose your own stuff, big and small. It's not about spending tons of cash (unless you want to!) but about making your home into a place that you feel welcomes your baby, and makes it into their home too.

If she really wants to buy and then pay for shipping let her go ahead, just refuse to sign for it at the docks when it arrives. Or pay someone to "lose" the container in the ocean. Or send it back and let her pay shipping twice over. Or give the delivery address as the nearest dump. Or (nicer, if any of it is actually ok) have it sent straight to a refuge or charity project.

oh i have told DP in no uncertain terms all tat will be declined. I also told him he was disingenuous at best and hurtful at worse to pretend he didn't understand why accepting it would be a problem. I said they had insulted, offended and disrespected me and i would not accept it. He said this was her way of engaging. I said that isn't true, that if she wanted to engage, she may actually communicate with me - and that it was normal to ask what people want. But no i said - she was just taking over and being controlling the way she normally did in every situation, and then playing the victim when it was pointed out.

He said well 'i'll just bin it when it arrives then'. I said that was also mental but up to him, but he would also now have to keep us separate forever, because if she ever asked me (and she would) i would tell her the truth!

He refuses to discuss it further - but my feelings are clear!

oh quick thought - check out import duties!! I don't know if they'd apply but when I lived abroad and got stuff shipped you had to pay shedloads of duty on your own stuff, new stuff, gifts. You don't want to be doing that!

ooooh good thought! this is going to be the most expensive tat anyone has ever thrown straight in the bin!!

good gravy! is that right? $80 for a £50 pram? We may as well buy everything out there!!

Oh no - ignore me. No duty on things under $200. Do they add it all up tho? or price each thing individually? more digging is required...

Spuddy, I have read all your thread and I cant help but feel concerned as to how you will cope when this baby comes. You posted that you have other problems aside from the large issue of the crazy inlaws and so close to the birth of your child your DP is still missing the point to put it mildly.

You need to perhaps think about some counselling for him. You need him to be one hundred thousand percent behind you and whilst there is contact with his mother there will be issues, wether you are here or a million miles away. The stuff she wants to get you is a symptom of a much bigger problem as you know, but until your DP does this wont ever end.

spuddy., don't bin it, try to find a local charity to take it all. then youd feel like it wasn't a waste of time altogether!

good luck with the move, great for all of you!

frownyface sorry i disagree. DP and i have decided he will need to continue to have relationships with his parents - i would never expect him not to.

DP misses the point with his mum only because he doesn't like the truth - however, he does know the truth and i know he knows it too. He pretends it's normal-ish because the enormity of their dysfunction is awful.

I love him and accept that denial (because i know he knows really).

I don't give a crap about them tbh i just don't want their rubbish near me.

DP is 100% behind me. He wouldn't dream of saying i had to accept their stuff. He doesn't need or want counselling.

It's hard for people who come from loving families to understand and not try to 'fix' this. But i grew p in a very dysfunctional family too. My father never got on with his ILs. My sister barely acknowledges me and my parents have only been to see me twice in a year and never the year before that.

We just aren't attached to family at all. DP worries about his mum because she is unwell, not because he thinks she is anywhere near being right.

That's insane, but can't help wondering if you could eBay the stuff as British baby items. Might sell better than in the UK?

P.S. best of luck for the move!