Is MIL taking over or am i being PFB?

[Spuddybean]

Hi All. I am genuinely flip flopping between whether IABU or not so i thought i would ask you for thoughts. I may be too close to the situation to see it rationally so i would appreciate some impartial advice.

Long story short - Pils don't speak to me, they banned me from their home 2 years ago. They are bizarre people with very odd behaviours. They basically try to impose their opinion on people and get extremely hurt and defensive when they don't toe the line. They then don't argue or discuss it, they just ban people from their home. They never leave home (only for local shops and car boot sales). They have never visited DP before or since we have been together.

So now i am due our 1st baby in August and MIL appears to be buying EVERYTHING for it. She has sent DP a list of all the stuff bought so far. These include, among other things, Cot , Pram, nursery furniture, clothes, kitchen equipment, car seat etc. And is saying she is still getting more stuff. She has not asked what i think or anything about my opinion. (She also keeps calling it her precious grandson, when we don't even know what gender it is).

These are all from car boots and internet, which i don't mind at all. However, although we would have bought second hand stuff, they would have been our choice. I have (as usual 1st mum) been researching best prams/cots etc. And as a new mum i am excited about choosing these things together with DP.

So is she just being nice or controlling? DP thinks it's great, as she is showing an interest in baby and it means everything will be free (he doesn't really care whether things match or understand why i would enjoy choosing my own stuff).

She has a history of insisting we have her choice of stuff and then going off if we say no. I just feel i am being excluded from my own baby. I feel that she has had hers and now she's trying to take over mine. I just feel like an incubator for her 'precious grandson' - altho she doesn't seem to have registered that she will never see it if things remain as they are.

Sorry for being a bit rambling. Could someone shake me and give me a dose of reality. AIBU?

Actually, I'd say she has mental health problems

If it was me I'd be having serious words with him. I'd tell him that I understand that they clearly have mental health issues and that you accept that and you accept him not cutting them out of your lives but that doesn't mean you are prepared to allow them to do as they please.

I'd tell him that this is your baby, not hers and you will be choosing and buying what you want and that if he continues to make an issue of it you will only be able to come to the conclusion that he is failing to grasp how understanding you are already being and that if that's the case you might just as well stop being understanding at all.

Right sorry if i miss some questions but here goes:

They said i insulted their xmas tree because i didn't praise it enough.

Dp would not be popping round ever as they live fecking miles away (thank god). Which means all visits would need to be at least overnight.

We discussed and decided together that DP would continue a relationship with them as his mother is mentally unstable and totally isolated and bullied by PIL. As she has no other link to the outside world I feel he should continue a connection otherwise i think she will go completely off the rails.

They live in an alternate reality and they refuse to see that they are the common denominator in why they have no friends or family (altho the separating has been their choice)

i'm intrigued OP, what caused the FIL to ban you from his home? i just can't understand why someone would do that and potentially destroy their relationship with their son, unless it was for a very valid reason.

regarding your last post, i feel a bit sorry for your MIL, but i can totally understand your P.O.V.

is there no way you could invite MIL to your house for a little visit and see if you and her can sort things out? FIL sounds awful and you'd be fighting a losing battle if you tried to sort things with him.

She banned her own daughters?!! What kind of freakoid bitch doesthat ? Do you really want to accept gifts from, and want your baby anywhere near, those people? I strongly suspect not. The poster who described them as toxic hit the nail on the head.

If they are emailing with details of their quality purchases, why not just send them an email back telling them that you are buying your own things for your child and you don't want anything from people that hate you so they might as well stop wasting their money.

I'd be careful with the name thing too. Tell DH not to discuss your possible choices with them anymore. And make sure you attend the birth registration, just in case your DH does his usual conforming to their wishes and calls your DS/D a name they pick.

OK, then it is time for you to stop being "reasonable".

The fact that "they are mental" is a reason not to accept their gifts and behaviour, not a reason to lie down and take it.

Send them a letter telling them in great detail why you are angry about their behaviour and why they will never be seeing your child. Stop letting dp do your communicating. Tell them you will ebay any baby stuff that finds its way to your house. Tell them that dp puts all their stuff in the skip on his way home. Send that cat among the pigeons.

Whenever dp mentions them, interupt and tell him their names are not to be spoken in your presence. Start pretending that they don't exist.

If dp complains, scream, and then cry, and then gasp and clutch your belly. He's been trained how to respond to emotional blackmail so he'll probably fall over himself to placate you ... [evil grin]

This sounds like a typical folie a deux.

Perhaps start buying things for her unasked, like a nasty nylon blouse, pre-loved from ebay, some used shoes in wrong size, etc. She might get your point, but if not it would be fun anyway :)

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Folie_à_deux

jingle There was a list of reasons. DP called them innocently and said we were going to visit (this is what is really silly - we used to visit one weekend a month and it really brought life to their lives - i would bring flowers and cakes and we went for xmas and they said it was the best one they'd had in years) and MIL said we don't think Spuddy should come anymore. She then said, they thought my opinions were too strong ie not buying battery eggs, not being racist and also i had insulted their xmas tree. I apparently, by questioning something quite clearly wrong which MIL said about DP, had accused her of being a liar.

After that FIL has refused to even address it and if i is brought up he locks himself in his room for weeks. Which is what he does if MIL says/does anything he doesn't like. They never argue he just ignores everyone and she gets more unstable.

DP warned me and was waiting for this as they had done it with previous girlfriends.

op, you can't tell your DP what he can and can't do with his own child. If he wants to take the baby to his parents then surley as the father he can.

Spuddybean thanks for explaining. wow, they had a lovely family unit going on and they well and truly fucked it up didn't they? FIL sounds mentally ill, poor MIL sounds controlled by him.

McHappyPants2012 i would tend to agree with your statement, but they seem unstable to me so i think in this instance that it's best if the OP's DP doesn't take the baby to his parents? i would worry about what they would say to the child.

Love the idea of buying her nasty stuff but she would probably like it!

I don't have any contact with them. So i have no idea of their address, i do not know their phone number or email address. I see her emails to dp occasionally when i am nosing over his shoulder but would never copy the email address.

Also it would break DP if i antagonised them. As other posters have said - She is clearly unwell. SO i do have sympathy, altho i do think it is put on when convenient.

As other posters have said, i am laid back and understanding so he by default turns to the one which seems in more need of him. ie her. WHen he gets off the phone he is often white and trembling.

He has said about them that once the baby is born they have to accept me and the baby or his visits will become even more sporadic. they know this i think.

Oh, after reading your more recent posts, ignore my 'take the bull by the horns' advice. Can you and DP agree that you won't use the stuff, so you've got to work out how you're going to manage this, either he tells her to stop buying things (wasting a lot of money as you will be buying again, this is non-negotiable) or accept and then ebay.

If she won't accept you in the house and it would be an overnight visit to go to them, and you breast feed, there's no way for them to see your DC without you until you stop bfeeding - that's a long time for GPs not not see their DGC.

I have said i will take the baby to see them and while it is bf then he can't go without me.

Mil can't leave the house to visit as FIL punishes her. Last time (years ago apparently) she visited DP, FIL ignored her for 3 months and made her life hell.

DP is happy to let her buy the stuff and us get rid of it. He think it gives her a focus and keeps her 'happy'. I feel dishonest tho.

Thank you all for giving me a sounding board (and not flaming me!). i think i will find stuff i want and just order it! I just hate waste and being ungrateful. But i also know i will never get this exciting time back and don't want to sacrifice my enjoyment completely.

Ah, ok. I'd work on the sporadicness then. More of that!

Be prepared to ensure he puts you and the baby first. Keep chatting about how a relationship with his parents would be harmful to your child.

And ebay all the stuff ...

What are you planning to do after the baby is born, when they realise they aren't going to get to see him, and suddenly 'forgive' you?

do you think your MIL is being emotinolly abused.

spuddybean you are right, you will never get this exciting time back and you shouldn't have to sacrifice your enjoyment at all. that would be non negotiable for me, i would be choosing my own stuff.

HA! Bertha - they did suggest once that if i apologised and said i had a brain injury they might consider 'forgiving' me. I'm sure you can imagine my response and i must say my laid back reasonableness quickly went out of the window!!

I have said to DP if they specifically invite me and promise not to bring this all up, i am happy to take the baby for a minimal visit and just be civil. But i have said if FIl storms off to his room or is funny with me then we will be leaving!

How funny,

This sounds excatly like my PIL. They didnt ban me from house but I refuse to go there now.

I had same issues she got a cot for us from a neighbour, it was very nice but also very old and i am not sure it had right bar spacing ....then with her mother chose a pram, I was hoping when she said she help with one, like other friends parents or PIL, give us money for one! After all as you say we will be the ones pushing it!

Like yours mine kept saying " I hope its a little boy".

They tried to push a really cheap car seat on us - it drove me mad, they brought the cheapest one for a friends visiting baby....

I tried to include her in the run up - and one day showed her the ONE baby grow set I brought ..thinking she might coo and argh over it - instead she held it up - inspected it and said - " You shouldnt buy anything you will get soo much stuff...." She however had got a lovley little stash upstairs that she wouldnt hand over until the last minute.

I also got the holey blankets as I read helps baby breath and less cot death issues....she said " But you know I got you blankets why did you buy those?" I didnt want to say - because yours arnt suitable!!! I just said nothing...It was almost like she wanted all the joy of perusing and choosing but not me. I wasnt allowed too.

Then she went mad literally after the birth and has tried to be controlling ever since but she has OCD i think and lots of cleaning issues...

My dad said to me " whats your problem, tyring to control a spending grandma?" but he didnt get it - like you i felt she was trying to control....and take over, it got worse after the birth....she has been grasping ever since.

In hindsight though I realised I should have accpeted her pram as it was pricey - and simply sold it and got the one i wanted.

This time round, I am not going to let her rain on my parade!!!

so no YANBU

In these circumstances I think I'd probably take the stuff and bin/ebay/freecycle/car boot it as appropriate.

Definitely buy your own things. Mainly because you'll need a buggy that suits your height, location (cobbles/off-road/about town), fits in your house, through your door, in your car boot... etc. Same for furniture. We bought a cot bed where the mattress raises right up so I didn't have to bend down too far with DD (I'm short and struggle to lean right over the cot sides!). Obviously you'll want a new car seat, we got a fancy one with a isofix base because our drive is on a slope, wanted to be able to clip DD in real quick before she toppled back out the car door. Seemed extravagant until you see our driveway!!! You won't get this time back and TBH you use this stuff for ages (especially the cot & buggy), so you'll be annoyed every day you use it for months/years!

YANBU.
Is there any way you can get your husband into some sort of therapy so he can repair the damage these crazy nasty people have done to him? He thinks he is responsible for their happiness? How controlled is that?
And he makes excuses for them?
He needs to stop placating and start getting angry about how his parents treat people. Perhaps fatherhood will change him.
Any chance you could get him to read "toxic parents"?

I'd also tell him if he brought anything into the house form MIL, you'll burn it.
Also tell him he can never take the child to see the MIL as she is unstable and unfit to be near a young child.

She is currently trying to buy access to a child. But if it's a girl she'll ignore her.
How does your DH feel about his mother writing off his child just on the grounds of gender?

I would tell her to get lost. If you are banned from her house then she has no right to say what you get for your PFB. get Dh to email her back saying no chance any of that rubbish being used for your baby so she sould ebay it all and get her money back. She wouldn't be seeing my PFB under any circumstances.