Is MIL taking over or am i being PFB?

[Spuddybean]

Hi All. I am genuinely flip flopping between whether IABU or not so i thought i would ask you for thoughts. I may be too close to the situation to see it rationally so i would appreciate some impartial advice.

Long story short - Pils don't speak to me, they banned me from their home 2 years ago. They are bizarre people with very odd behaviours. They basically try to impose their opinion on people and get extremely hurt and defensive when they don't toe the line. They then don't argue or discuss it, they just ban people from their home. They never leave home (only for local shops and car boot sales). They have never visited DP before or since we have been together.

So now i am due our 1st baby in August and MIL appears to be buying EVERYTHING for it. She has sent DP a list of all the stuff bought so far. These include, among other things, Cot , Pram, nursery furniture, clothes, kitchen equipment, car seat etc. And is saying she is still getting more stuff. She has not asked what i think or anything about my opinion. (She also keeps calling it her precious grandson, when we don't even know what gender it is).

These are all from car boots and internet, which i don't mind at all. However, although we would have bought second hand stuff, they would have been our choice. I have (as usual 1st mum) been researching best prams/cots etc. And as a new mum i am excited about choosing these things together with DP.

So is she just being nice or controlling? DP thinks it's great, as she is showing an interest in baby and it means everything will be free (he doesn't really care whether things match or understand why i would enjoy choosing my own stuff).

She has a history of insisting we have her choice of stuff and then going off if we say no. I just feel i am being excluded from my own baby. I feel that she has had hers and now she's trying to take over mine. I just feel like an incubator for her 'precious grandson' - altho she doesn't seem to have registered that she will never see it if things remain as they are.

Sorry for being a bit rambling. Could someone shake me and give me a dose of reality. AIBU?

Banned you. Not babbed you. Obvs!

I remember your previous thread.

Sift through the stuff, give what you don't want to a refuge, have fun choosing some stuff yourselves

What drdwt said more eloquently than me. All of it.

Really, DP should stop indulging them and stand up for your relationship nd life together. If they don 't accept you, they don't see any of you.

Although you don't owe them even that. They can disown their own children? They'd never see a child of mine.

Hi OP, hope this isn't out of line but I'm a bit concerned about your DH holding the purse strings like this, particularly in light of the fact that you seem in quite a vulnerable place anyway at the moment. I'm sure he's lovely (I can tell from your posts you love him to bits) but why does he get final say in what your household money gets spent on?

The rule in our house is that just because someone earns less than someone else, doesn't give them less of a say.

Wot nicecupoftea said. Yanbu.

Have not read whole thread, but how is this vile woman going to see her grandchild if you are banned...... I would ban her from seeing the baby.

And your DP needs to stand up to his Mother and say taht she can buy whatever she likes but you won't be accepting it.

NCT sales are fantastic. You could also volunteer to help out. It would be a great way of meeting people.

open he doesn't 'hold the purse strings' as it were, but he pays all the bills and everything out of his salary. And my income is minimal. We keep meaning to get a joint account but it has never really been an issue. But i am not eligible for mat pay so i wont have any access to money other than stat pay from the gov.

It isn't intentional from him - as i say never been an issue before now. It just means i need to ask him for money if i want to buy baby things.

Oh good, just concerned for you. Could you get him to set up a standing order into your account while you're on mat leave? Just that I have a similar situation (except the bills come put of my account & DH puts money in every month as I am better at admin) and hate having to remind/ask DH for money.

He says he reckons it's a fair deal as he doesn't have to put up with pregnancy or give birth.

Anyway, sorry, went rather off topic there.

Joint account. All money coming into the house goes in, bills go out, what's left is family money for you all.

That's a partnership/family, regardless of who earns what.

I earn more when working, OH earns more when mat leave etc - but all money is ours

OP - You asked for suggestions about what was needed. A few years ago, I was pregnant, unable to walk, couldn't get dh to help choose and get baby stuff (I actually begged at one point, nothing happened) and didn't have friends with babies or family that could help me out with what to do.

Ebay is your friend.

1. You can buy lots and lots of stuff on there that is actually new, not second hand. Look for the buyitnow stuff. Stuff that is end of line, factory excess, overruns etc or people just running ebay shops from their dining room. AND IT IS DELIVERED! It really was a life saver for me, I would never have been able to get a cot or a push chair or high chair otherwise. btw these were all new, all to kitemark standard and all lasted really well. I couldn't do anything except browse the net, so I did a lot of comparisons and checking.

1. You can get an idea of what people think you need from what is listed. If it isn't on ebay, it usually isn't in the shops either. If you look in the baby section you will find all sorts of stuff for feeding, high chairs, cloth nappies etc. You can do an awful lot of window shopping and decide what you want and then go to somewhere like Mothercare, Boots, John Lewis (or ebay).

1. You need less than you think - honest.

1. Baby clothes from ebay can be a really good deal. Though I did go a bit crackers on this. Babies grow so fast that they outgrow outfits quickly, sometimes before they are even worn. You can get some really good bundles. I also recommend Matalan - I got stacks from there and they washed and lasted really, really well. You can't have too many sleep suits and vests (well, that's what I think) but other outfits are less necessary, though really fun to choose.

1. I didn't know what to get, whether clothes, feeding or cloth nappies, so I got lots of 'all in' bundles from ebay. eg, for the nappies I got a deal where I got a huge selection of cloth nappies, liners, washable wipes, a nappy bucket and a changing mat, all in one - one delivery, one price and I didn't have to worry about what else I would need. I didn't have two brain cells to rub together by the end, so it really helped me not to miss stuff.

Congratulations, and I hope all goes well for you.

Also to add - asda, sainsbury and tesco all deliver and all carry a lot of baby supplies. With my asda grocery order I could include feeding bottles, sterilisers, bottle warmers, spare teats, newborn starter bottle set, and all the consumables that go with it. I could also get a monitor, blankets and sheets. That is another place to browse, consider and mentally work out where you could put the damn things. Good luck!

yes angel that's what we are planning. Up to now my earnings are what is left over if we split it. So it didn't really matter to set one up as we both would have ended up with the same. But when i finish work we will have a joint account.

thanks lyssa your tips are really appreciated.

You need What to Buy for Your Baby. It's brilliant.

I borrowed it from a library, so your local one might have it, too.

thebigjessie i have ordered that book, thank you

I just wanted to say a great big thank you to all who have advised me. I thought i would update if anyone is interested.

DP is away and i have spent a lovely afternoon looking on the internet at all the things i would like. I have enjoyed the anticipation and 'nesting' part of it. I have seen all the things i want for just under 1k, which i can pay for out of my wages so we don't have to dip in our savings (which is what DP is worried about - he worries he can't support and look after us and we will end up living in a box under a bridge ). I have made a spreadsheet (i'm a loser i know!) and i now feel much more in control.

When DP returns i am going to sit him down and explain that MILs behaviour is adding insult to injury. That i am still very hurt about what has happened and it is inappropriate of her to purchase all this stuff without consultation - as if i don't exist. I am going to say that i do not want to be reminded of their insulting behaviour whenever i put our baby in its cot. I also expect him to commit to us as his new family and let them know their things are not welcome.

I will tell him small tokens such as a few clothes will be acceptable but the large things are for us to choose as the parents. He also needs to know how upset this is making me (i have shielded him from this as i didn't want him to feel ganged up upon from all sides. i suppose i was hoping by being the reasonable one he would come to his own conclusion to tell them how awful they have been) and therefore it should upset him too and altho he is in a horrible position, it is not me who put him there.

He may not agree but he must understand and side with me on this occasion.

Anyway, if you read this thread and helped give me the support to come to this conclusion then it is much appreciated. I feel so much happier now :)

Well done, glad you're feeling happier!

Now, rather more importantly, what buggy have you picked?

spuddy you sound much brighter today and glad to see you have it under control and are going to speak to DP.

YADNBU no way would I let someone else choose all the big purchases for a DC of mine.

MIL and FIL sound positively bonkers

Hello,

This sounds to me as if your inlaws have significant mental health issues and possibly that MIL is afraid of FIL.

If they genuinely wanted to build bridges they would take it gently and consult you all the way.

Whatever the causes of their behaviour you need to set some significant boundaries now. There is no pint in trying to rationalise their actions because they are irrational.

Obviously your DH grew up in this family and inevitably will have normalised what is clearly abnormal behaviour.

It would be worth getting advice from one of the mental health charities (MIND for example) about how to cope with these bizarre and damaging behaviours.

Good luck with your baby.

pint=point of course

IMO sounds its Only going to get worse:( why has she bought bottles and sterilisers ? You won't need them if you bf and I can bet she won't like you bf, she will want to hold the baby! Suggest you ask the midwife where the local baby and toddler groups are now and pop in, meet new mums and ask them what they think you need really. Don't mention mad mil just say she's pushy for now , you will make friends. Afraid think she is spoiling things for you. Tell your dh no visitors for a week after the birth as well. It's your time! Gosh, if you are married that must have been terrible to organise !

DH must decline the stuff- he can say that you've already got everything you need. They won't know any different. Or you ebay it or give it away.

I can't imagine how they are ever going to meet the baby if they won't leave the house and you are not welcome.

They live a long way away so get DH to point out that him visiting without you can't happen.

MIL isn't a slave to FIL- if he is so awful to her (ignoring her for three months when she visited her own child WTF!) why is she still there?

What a sad situation- but your DH has to put you and the baby first.

You also need a joint account. Stuck at home with a baby and no access to money=financial abuse.

All good points. Yes MIL has mental health issues but i am unsure how far that really extends and where her manipulation starts. I really think she has a personality disorder. I think FIL is a bully who is so unable to get pleasure from joy that it actually hurts him to be around people.

As you have pointed out empire how will they see the baby if they wont leave and i'm not allowed there? Apparently they have been making noises about me visiting - 'oh you must bring spuddy next time' but then no actual invitation when DP goes again or suggests it.

It's funny empire because MIL uses FIL as an excuse as much as he uses her to do his dirty work. After i had been banned they expected me to go grovelling etc. And i didn't, this bothered them (as why wasn't i desperate to go back to listen to their racist, money obsessed daily mail ramblings) so when DP was visiting MIL asked him about it. She was really shocked and angry when he said tbh after the way they'd behaved i didn't actually want to go back.

So when he went out for a walk, she called me. She asked me why I didn't want to go there when they had been so nice to me . They didn't care that they had banned and offended me. All she cared about was that i had the audacity not to beg to go back.

Anyway, i told her very calmly the truth. She wasn't used to this so started blaming FIL, telling me how awful her life had been because he ignored her if she didn't do as he asked. I said to her i had sympathy up to a point but that she had let him, and defended him. Then she said 'well what kind of wife would i be if i left him' and i said 'well what kind of mother are you if you ban your kids - i think you are the architect of your own misery'.

At the end of the call she said that there was no way FIL would be moved on allowing me back, so i said fine and we left it on frosty terms. Then she begged me not to tell DP she had called - i said i didn't like lying but okay (mistake).

When DP came home he was grinning and said 'so i hear you had an interesting phone call' (she had told him anyway and made me look deceitful). I wondered why he was smiling and asked what he thought had been said. He said MIL had told him she'd called and it was all sorted and we were all friends again.

I had to then be the bad guy and tell him, no that wasn't the case. The look on his lovely face as it crumbled will remain with me. She had lied because she wanted to be the one who made him happy and me to be the one who had to break his heart AGAIN.

I am still so angry about that.

So she lies and manipulates too. Nice.

It sounds like she is trying to come between you and your DP with behaviour like that. What did he say to he about her lying? I hope he didn't ignore it.

I can see what DP gets out of the visits- an adoring mother who admires him and showers him with bits for the baby.

However what I can't get my mind round is why he goes there when you have been banned and treated so terribly? Where is his loyalty to you?

Perhaps they are loaded and will leave him their millions?

Hope dp reacts how he should to the chat about pil's

Yes empire he did ignore it. Because the trouble is she is a fantasist - she believes her lies. So when you challenge her on things she is genuinely bewildered. (Unfortunately DP has a habit of this too - which i watch very carefully).

You are right - she showers him with unconditional praise which i actually find very creepy. They (including DP) perceive any kind of criticism as 'bullying'. So if DP does something daft and i laugh - i am a bully according to them. Also if i ask DP to do any housework i am a bully as according to her it's not fair because he is dyslexic

When he comes back from there, he is a nightmare. It takes a while for him to 'come down' from the worshipping. When they are together they disappear into fantasy land, talking about hair brained money making schemes, with no purchase on reality at all.

I cannot bear this as i am a complete realist - which DP calls negativity. So if he gets into his head some mad idea, he tells me, and i often am positive but try to point out the practicalities, he then gets angry with me for not being blindly supportive and goes off to call his mum. She then coo's all over him and his ego is salved and mummy is best! I find the whole dynamic pathetic and creepy tbh.

And yes they are loaded - but they are horribly mean and plead poverty which i find extraordinarily ugly. Hence why they are obsessed with car boots and 'getting one over' on everyone. They made their money through buy to let and now moan about how high house prices are. they evade tax where possible but expect full fuel allowance etc. Just greedy greedy people.

They see no link between their behaviour and anything else.