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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is MIL taking over or am i being PFB?

200 replies

Spuddybean · 18/04/2012 19:36

Hi All. I am genuinely flip flopping between whether IABU or not so i thought i would ask you for thoughts. I may be too close to the situation to see it rationally so i would appreciate some impartial advice.

Long story short - Pils don't speak to me, they banned me from their home 2 years ago. They are bizarre people with very odd behaviours. They basically try to impose their opinion on people and get extremely hurt and defensive when they don't toe the line. They then don't argue or discuss it, they just ban people from their home. They never leave home (only for local shops and car boot sales). They have never visited DP before or since we have been together.

So now i am due our 1st baby in August and MIL appears to be buying EVERYTHING for it. She has sent DP a list of all the stuff bought so far. These include, among other things, Cot , Pram, nursery furniture, clothes, kitchen equipment, car seat etc. And is saying she is still getting more stuff. She has not asked what i think or anything about my opinion. (She also keeps calling it her precious grandson, when we don't even know what gender it is).

These are all from car boots and internet, which i don't mind at all. However, although we would have bought second hand stuff, they would have been our choice. I have (as usual 1st mum) been researching best prams/cots etc. And as a new mum i am excited about choosing these things together with DP.

So is she just being nice or controlling? DP thinks it's great, as she is showing an interest in baby and it means everything will be free (he doesn't really care whether things match or understand why i would enjoy choosing my own stuff).

She has a history of insisting we have her choice of stuff and then going off if we say no. I just feel i am being excluded from my own baby. I feel that she has had hers and now she's trying to take over mine. I just feel like an incubator for her 'precious grandson' - altho she doesn't seem to have registered that she will never see it if things remain as they are.

Sorry for being a bit rambling. Could someone shake me and give me a dose of reality. AIBU?

OP posts:
SuchProspects · 18/04/2012 20:19

Spuddy "If you don't do as she wants she ... till DP gives in."

This is a problem. On the whole with your OP you sund a little U in that you seem to be worked up over things that you have control over. In theory, if they have banned you from their home and won't talk to you, then you don't really need to even know about any of the emotional blackmail. Your DH can accept the gifts, or not. And you can tell him what you are or aren't prepared to use. It's up to your DH how he handles the fall out. In particular the idea in your OP that you are being "excluded" from your own baby because your MIL is buying stuff sounds like you are getting things a little out of proportion.

But if your DH is likely to let your PILs into your life by giving in when it's not in your best interests, then you are not being U to be concerned.

Can you lay down hard boundaries for your DH? He sounds like he's excited that his parents are interested in being involved in his life again, but also like he doesn't have the skills to handle them well.

doctordwt · 18/04/2012 20:23

The thing I actually think is the most damaging aspect of this is not the PIL - they are clearly not all there - but the DP.

There is no way my husband would accept the hospitality of people who treated me rudely.

There is no way that he would basically ok their treatment of me by continuing to be in contact, be on good terms with them, going to see them, talking about the stuff they've bought - FGS, can't you see that by being like this, HE is the one colluding in treating you like an incubator! He is failing to stand up for you, and as a result, he looks spineless and pitiful himself - as if he hasn't really chosen to be with you, and have a proper life apart from them, that's just play-acting - you can be put in a box by him in order to continue this warped relationship.

I would be really, really hurt and angry if my DH did anything less than refuse to talk about OUR baby preparations with someone who refused to acknowledge me. His partner and the baby's mother.

It's utterly betraying. No wonder his parents act this way - they know they can.

halcyondays · 18/04/2012 20:24

Yanbu. They sound very odd.

CharlieIsAChocolate · 18/04/2012 20:24

She sounds like my MIL. Mine has, in the past 10 years, stopped talking to me/DP on various occasions for up to a year at a time. When she gets back in contact she comes bearing lots and lots of gifts. She does it so she can say that she treats us well.

I feel beholden to her whenever she buys us expensive things, even if I don't need or want them.

DP and I have agreed that next time she stops talking to me, she won't get to see the DC without me. Especially as she has started to cut them out of her life - not talking to them for a few months after a period of seeing them weekly. I don't want them to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour (suspect my DP is so used to it that he does think it's normal).

Original poster
Spuddybean · 18/04/2012 20:24

saggy HAha! you are psychic! DP mentioned one boys name we like(d) and now she is calling the baby that as if it's decided - apparently she loves it so that's what it should be!!

SAdly now i am going of it. The problem is he says something off the cuff and she runs off with it. She has no life so lives thru him.

OP posts:
Sittinginthesun · 18/04/2012 20:26

Ok, I need to know - what was wrong with the Christmas Tree?

LydiaWickham · 18/04/2012 20:26

It's your DH's job to deal with her, tell him you won't be using this stuff, so you'll have to buy it again away, does he want to stop her now or let her waste more money? alternatively, if she'll never come to your house, ebay it all.

She's nt talking you to anyway, you might as well upset her again.

doctordwt · 18/04/2012 20:27

Your DP is trashing the respect he should have for you, and your life together, to keep them happy.

It isn't a harmless thing - it is utterly pernicious. Why are you happy with him lying and backsliding like this?

If he's actually saying to your face 'it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other' then god knows what he says about you to them when you aren't there.

He is a real coward. I would not be happy at all. I think you are headed for very choppy waters.

Elena67 · 18/04/2012 20:28

YANBU I really loved researching etc thing for PFB - that's a MASSIVe part of being pregnant for the first time. DP needs to step up and back YOU up, rather than her...

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 18/04/2012 20:30

Better pray you're having a girl then.

Do you totally trust your dp never to take your child out for the afternoon and then just "pop in" to his parent's? When your MIL cries and wails and sobs that she desperately wants to see her gc and he is so cruel not to let her and she is getting old, sob, wail, sob, and he starts to think how could it hurt really if Spuddy doesn't know and after all it's 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other, and Spuddy should just be a bit forgiving ...

Good advice upthread to start getting angry at their treatment of you, and also angry at your dp's treatment of you - he is condoning their behaviour.

DowagersHump · 18/04/2012 20:30

She is a controlling toxic nightmare. I wouldn't want anything to do with her and I would expect my DH to tell her that as you're getting married and having a child together, she either acknowledges you or she/they are cut off completely.

If you don't put a stop to this right now, I bet you £50 that your DH will take your child to see them, especially if it's a boy. But he will lie or make excuses and it will destroy your relationship :(

DublinMammy · 18/04/2012 20:30

YANBU.

She sounds like a control freak and a complete bitch.

Your DH sounds like he needs a good kick up the arse then perhaps he will set her straight and tell her to keep all her crap.

It's 6 of him being spineless and half a dozen of him being......er....spineless.

skybluepearl · 18/04/2012 20:30

We did almost everything second hand. Even then I would want to buy a mattress, a car seat and a buggy new and choose the items myself. In your shoes, I'd let them know that you have planned which buggy/car seat/mattress you want to buy so not to worry about thoses items. Very kind of you to think of us though.

Is she buying your DH and the baby? Is it her way of gaining access to her grandchild post birth? There is no way I'd let my baby go to grandparents if i was banned from the premisis. I couldn't have left my baby anyway as he was breast fed and in a sling most of the time. Where does you DH stand on grandparent access to the baby?

Are they going to have expectations on how you parent your child too? What happens if you don't meet those expectations?

Fourlotsoftrouble · 18/04/2012 20:31

YANBU it's the most exciting thing choosing & buying for your new born you need to choose these things yourself, who wants second hand stuff anyway for a baby, you choose & tell her you don't want her stuff.

Mama1980 · 18/04/2012 20:31

Only my opinion but I agree with doctor. The issue is your dp not standing up for you, dp should not be allowing this to happen he needs to stand up for you. I would be bloody furious if my dp acted in this way if they do not show you his partner the mother of his child respect then why on earth Is he playing nice with them? I never had a chance to shop befor my ds was born-whole other story Grin- but once we were well enough I loved walking around buying him things, so much fun. If they are genuinely trying to extend a olive branch and want to be involved then I would suggest lunch somewhere neutral- if not it is up to your dp to be firm, in fairness they have no idea this isn't being well received if he doesn't tell them.

Original poster
Spuddybean · 18/04/2012 20:32

suchprospect you are right of course, but DP is making me feel unreasonable when i say i want to buy stuff. He says we don't have to cos MIL already has it. Then when i say i want to get the stuff ourselves he moans about money (altho we are not hard up).

To him why not just take it. He wont be the one lugging a huge cumbersome pram about so it doesn't really bother him. He doesn't know anything about babies or stuff so i suppose he just thinks things are all the same.

And maybe they are, but i want to choose it!

And yes they are dangling the carrot of hope that we can all get on. So he wants me (as the reasonable one) to just accept it because as he says 'they are mental'

His father really is the problem here. It is him that has caused this. He was the one who 'banned' me but he gets MIL to do all the dirty work. No matter what fantasy MIL lives in it would be a cold day in hell before he lets me back in the house.

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 18/04/2012 20:32

I thinhk you should suggest some really awful names to wind them all up by the way.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 18/04/2012 20:32

Definitely fingers crossed for a girl then :)

I can see how this all came to be (ex pil's with 'issues'!!) and I can almost hear your DH saying 'but she's my Mum'.... ... and in part I can sympathise with him as long as he knows who comes first you and what you say goes... if he's backing down to her against your wishes then it has to be stopped.

Ciske · 18/04/2012 20:33

Gratitude is due if something is given with the right intentions, no matter how ugly or useless the gift is. In your case, it sounds like this is gifted out of spite or a need to control you, so it's not strange that you don't feel any gratitude.

Buying stuff for baby is part of the fun, and you're right that it shouldn't be taken away from you by someone who doesn't even respect you.

pumpkinsweetie · 18/04/2012 20:36

YANBU-it seems a step overboard imo to buy everything and to call your unborn child 'grandson' before she even knows what sex he or she is, is very odd.
I know what you mean, with your 1st you want everything new or atleast you would like to see the items before keeping them.
I can understand mil buying baby things but imo for what she has bought i would think she is expecting your baby to stay at hers overnight at some stage

LydiaWickham · 18/04/2012 20:36

Well then, tell your DP you'll be calling them, do it when he's in the room, say to your MIL that you're grateful but have decided what you want for your child and so won't be using any of the things she's bought. also say would she be interested in sorting this all out and making friends before the baby arrives as she understands that you won't be prepared to let your child go somewhere you aren't welcome.

Tell your DP it's not 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other, he can either say you are at fault or his parents are. Once he's decided, he can let you know.

Take the bull by the horns.

skybluepearl · 18/04/2012 20:37

Do lots of research and order a new mattress/buggy on line yourself without discussion. Let him deal with IL's

gafhyb · 18/04/2012 20:38

Her behaviour is extreme, and odd

DowagersHump · 18/04/2012 20:38

Is the only thing you've done to be banned from the house to be a bit fussy about battery eggs (did you refuse to eat them or something?)

I feel a bit sorry for your MIL now after your last post. Do you think she's doing this as a way to get to be involved with the baby?

Nevertooearlyforcake · 18/04/2012 20:39

Don't accept them or pretend to and don't use. She is being controlling and I'm sure she'll waltz off taking everything with her the second you (in her eyes) step out of line. Unless you want to risk being left without a pram or a cot at a moment's notice I'd make sure I had my own!