Is MIL taking over or am i being PFB?

[Spuddybean]

Hi All. I am genuinely flip flopping between whether IABU or not so i thought i would ask you for thoughts. I may be too close to the situation to see it rationally so i would appreciate some impartial advice.

Long story short - Pils don't speak to me, they banned me from their home 2 years ago. They are bizarre people with very odd behaviours. They basically try to impose their opinion on people and get extremely hurt and defensive when they don't toe the line. They then don't argue or discuss it, they just ban people from their home. They never leave home (only for local shops and car boot sales). They have never visited DP before or since we have been together.

So now i am due our 1st baby in August and MIL appears to be buying EVERYTHING for it. She has sent DP a list of all the stuff bought so far. These include, among other things, Cot , Pram, nursery furniture, clothes, kitchen equipment, car seat etc. And is saying she is still getting more stuff. She has not asked what i think or anything about my opinion. (She also keeps calling it her precious grandson, when we don't even know what gender it is).

These are all from car boots and internet, which i don't mind at all. However, although we would have bought second hand stuff, they would have been our choice. I have (as usual 1st mum) been researching best prams/cots etc. And as a new mum i am excited about choosing these things together with DP.

So is she just being nice or controlling? DP thinks it's great, as she is showing an interest in baby and it means everything will be free (he doesn't really care whether things match or understand why i would enjoy choosing my own stuff).

She has a history of insisting we have her choice of stuff and then going off if we say no. I just feel i am being excluded from my own baby. I feel that she has had hers and now she's trying to take over mine. I just feel like an incubator for her 'precious grandson' - altho she doesn't seem to have registered that she will never see it if things remain as they are.

Sorry for being a bit rambling. Could someone shake me and give me a dose of reality. AIBU?

Im sorry if im going off the path now but i have to say the following puts you at risk of pnd:

No friends
no family support
no support network
dissagrement on issues with your dp
lack of support in prapering for the baby

have you been to a bf workshop or group?

Is there a surestart centre by you as the do babes and bumps groups you can go to now?

I dont mean to upset you but being a first time mum is realy hard and you will need all the help you can get. I realy hope it all works out for you both.

maddening sorry if i misled, but there is no increased contact. She always emails him numerous times a day.

The reason he isn't binning this lot is for 3 reasons. 1, he hasn't got it yet as it's all at theirs and 2, the stuff he bins we don't actually need. Chairs, coffee tables etc. However we do need baby stuff and 3, he is a but mean so doesn't want to spend money unnecessarily!

I know anair and i really appreciate your concern. I am also bipolar so am at risk anyway and have recently been told i have an 80% chance i am developing MS.

Sorry i know this is off thread, but maybe that's why i want this time to be so special. I work long hours so haven't joined any groups but am planning to joinn some.

The reason i don't have any friends is my exH and best friend went off together and none of my friends wanted to stay friends with me. They said it was just to difficult and as i lived further away no point in continuing friendship with me.

I realise my life sounds like a bad soap but tis all true!

Not read all this thread but your DH needs to strap on a huge pair and tell his mother and fatherto go fuck themselves and the horse they rode in on thanks but no thanks especially given that they have banned you from their house and won't speak to you. Shocking...just fucking shocking. They sound like a nightmare and he is enabling them to be this way... I'd be telling him to "man up sunshine"

shite my strike through didn't work

OP, Congrats on your pregnancy, hope you are feeling ok!

Just wanted to stick up for your DH a little bit, based on my own DH. My FIL is very hard work (altho tbf, not in your FIL's league!!! I bloody wish my FIL would hide in his room for weeks!). My MIL used to keep his bonkers, anti-social tendencies in line...until she had a stroke. Now she is dependent on him and he rules the roost. DH allows a lot more bad behaviour from FIL than I am really comfortable with but mainly for his mother's sake as otherwise, FIL would succeed in isolating her and alienating all her friends. She would be the one to suffer because of his behaviour. Hope this maybe gives another perspective on his behaviour.

What to do?...Tell your DH you do need baby stuff but the 2nd hand stuff she is buying is rubbish and dangerous to the baby and not the right stuff. If he's still worried about money, tell him YOU'RE happy to buy 2nd hand, not her, as you know the safety issues involved. Then don't, tell him the 2nd hand stuff was not right and get him involved in buying lovely stuff with you Then he can tell his DM he's already got these things, thank you anyway.

Regards your FILs, I would suggest you and DH have a good talk. It's good that he wants to support his mother but he needs to understand that you and the baby come first. You need to decide as a couple on how you will handle the upcoming issues - names, visits, etc. Then, once you're agreed, stick to it.

Btw, we also emigrated for a short period and both PILs went to town with the emotional blackmail so be ready for that one too!

Hope everything gets better xxx

I can't imagine ebaying a load of tat will be your first priority with a new baby.

Get your Dh to email and say you will be choosing your own stuff.

And you are SO NBU

I would freecycle the stuff you don't want- imagine the poetic justice if a lentil weaving, vegetarian person of a different ethnicity decided to take the pram/cot/kitchen stuff off your hands? It would offend all their racist/battery-egg-eating sensibilities in the most hilarious way!

Also, you know, you might help out someone who genuinely needs it and is a bit hard up

She has banned you from her house, why on earth would she think she will be seeing her grandchild? I haven't read it all so apologies if this has been covered but I don't really understand why your DH hasn't put his foot down and why he has allowed this to happen.

We did emigrate. I haven't spoken to my MIL in three years - it's bliss!

I think that the stuff she has bought that you don't like, ask her to keep it at her home so that when the baby comes over you don't need to bring a load of stuff with you.

My PIL bought loads of toys from car boot sales etc. They were vast in size and number. I had no where to put them. In the end I said that it was great that they were buying toys and we would like to keep them at their house so that the children had things to play with when we came over... suddenly the shopping stopped!

I think the biggest problem right now is your partner, who seems to be slipping into the penny-pinching habits of his parents, and thus handing them a Heeee-uuuuuuuuge. Bargaining Chip.

He's the one trying to stop you buying things "because MIL bought one last week" and he is thus the one making you feel excluded from shopping for the baby.

If he has his way, I predict you will have practically nowt by the time baby is due, and your partner will let the PIL know that you are depending on their stash. At which point, they will either withold it all, or make you both beg for it.

PS: I say the above with the utmost sympathy. Been there, done that, and my mother's still with-holding the promotional t-shirt!

I think this loony would test the patience of a saint. She needs a good talking to. Maybe she will ban your dh from the house but doesn't sound like this would be a bad thing. I think your relationship will suffer to the point of breaking if this carries on because dh is so willing to let them get away with it all. Its no good being annoyed behind their back he needs to tell them straight we don't want the baby things because we want to buy our own we are not children we are adults who make decisions for ourselves and stop poking your nose into things that don't concern you we'll visit together or not at all if you cant handle that then thats your problem not ours. My dp's family can be a bit annoying at times but after reading this thread they seem brilliant all of a sudden

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Remain the bigger person, if she sends the stuff, say 'thank you, but I already have one of those'.

This annoyed the hell out of me too. I remember being furious and bottling it all up after my mum turned up at the hospital just after the birth with loads of (absolutely beautiful) clothes, pram toys, teddies etc. Completely irrational on one hand. However, I had been so worried about "something going wrong" I had only bought the bare minimum, with a view to having a lovely day out with DH and new baby, choosing stuff ourselves...

The fact that it was all way too big (DD was only 4.5lb) just added to the upset, as she would be wearing these clothes (a range of newborn to 9 months) for ages and ages. I put on a brave face but it did make me seethe and cry buckets.

MIL bought the pram, but I chose it - with a lot of input from my mum!

In your case, I would just go ahead and buy what you want. Just say you've seen another item which is more suitable, or that it's not to your taste. If they kick up a stink, tell them you wanted to make the choice of what you would be using yourself. They can keep it at their place because you won't have room to store it. If they are so into boot sales they can get themselves a pitch and sell what they don't want afterwards.

Your DH needs to understand that this is your baby. not hers. She's had her turn. His priority is to support you, not keep the peace with his parents.

Be clear on this, it's non-negotiable, DP has to see that his disire to keep the peace with his mum is upsetting you, and so either they are part of your life and you expect an apology or they are not, so you won't accept this gifts, what he does with them is his problem, but his idea of just making you use them will be upsetting because a) picking them is part of being a first time mum and b) you don't want to think of his mother who is horrible to you every time you go for a walk with your baby, look at your baby in their cot etc. So you will be buying your own (get a load ordered now)

What he does with it all isn't your problem (although I'd ebay)

Ah, spuddy that's really shite of your friends (who needs friends like that??) - I think you should join some local classes and NCT if you can afford it, and make some new, local friends?

I'd be ok with the furniture etc, but wouldn't accept 2nd hand car seats etc for safety reasons.

Thanks all - i honestly don't know what i'd do without mumsnet sometimes. It really is the only contact i have with other women. DP works away a lot so i am alone in a place where i don't know any one a lot of the time.

I am going to purchase the items i want (money will be an issue because i don't have any but DP does and i will need to ask him for money for stuff which he will say no to - so that will be a battle). I am planning on looking at NCT sales and on ebay.

Does anyone know anywhere good for cheap nice baby stuff?

Also (sorry if i sound dense) does anyone know where i can find a list of essentials which i need? I think part of feeling taken over by MILs stuff is because she has beaten me to it, and she seems to know more than me about things we need. (she has bought bottle sterilizers and stuff i didn't even know existed)

I purposely wanted to wait in case anything happened and now i want to get excited i feel as tho i am too late!

It's a control thing. It sent me insane when my MIL did it. But try to let it wash over you. All the buying of things in the world will not mean a thing when it comes to your relationship with your baby. Nothing trumps mum.

And know exactly how you feel re. money (I.e PIL have loads and we have none) and so any clothes they have bought for DC have been plush designer togs and we can only afford supermarket lines. Also understand about 'getting in there' first. PILs bought DCs first Halloween outfit and Christmas outfit months before any rational human being would have. It would have been just spiteful not to use them so you do feel irritated at times. But remember this isn't a real 'problem'. Irritating yes but not a problem. X

I wouldn't worry about this. I reckon you will see each other a few times after the child is born in a sort of honeymoon period but that this will prove unsustainable (I expect she will find you sorely lacking as a mother and not be backward in voicing her views) and after that there will be minimal contact. (kind of drawing on personal experiences here). Sorry to be blunt.

YANBU; it does grate a little. I think it goes against the homing instinct; you want to create the zone for your DC and you feel a little bit cheated when someone makes those decisions for you. I am also the same and research everything. I think everyone else is right in that it's not a big thing in the long run but YANBU for feeling a bit disempowered.

I haven't read the whole thread (I will, but was so moved to post that here I am) and sure I'm merely repeated what others have posted BUT...

Seriuosly...WTF?!

No two ways about it, she is crazy. She thinks she can 'ban' you and then get to buy things for your baby?! A couple of things here - how does she ban you and what does our DP say? As someone said, you come as a family or not at all, surely? I understand it may be hard for our DP if you don't get on, but that's all the more reason to him to tell his mother to be civil to his partner and mother of his child, FFS or not bother with either of you at all.

Refuse to accept her cheap tat gifts that she actually has no right to buy without asking you first. If she won't speak to you, perfect. Email her explaning that as you are not welcome in her home and she will not visit, there is no need for her to buy the things you will be buying for your own baby. Simples. End of. No need to expect a reply, as she doesn't speak to you. Even better, her son shoud actually tell her this, but if he won't you will.

DO NOT accept it and send to charity shop etc as she will assume you have accepted it/are using the crap and she does not deserve to think this of you (BTW if she was a loving/caring/over-enthusiastic GP to be, I would do exactly that, accept to be kind and indulge her excitement but you do not owe her this courtesy).

Please stand up to her, your self respect deserves it. What did you do by the way, that was so awful she babbed you?!