Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is MIL taking over or am i being PFB?

200 replies

Spuddybean · 18/04/2012 19:36

Hi All. I am genuinely flip flopping between whether IABU or not so i thought i would ask you for thoughts. I may be too close to the situation to see it rationally so i would appreciate some impartial advice.

Long story short - Pils don't speak to me, they banned me from their home 2 years ago. They are bizarre people with very odd behaviours. They basically try to impose their opinion on people and get extremely hurt and defensive when they don't toe the line. They then don't argue or discuss it, they just ban people from their home. They never leave home (only for local shops and car boot sales). They have never visited DP before or since we have been together.

So now i am due our 1st baby in August and MIL appears to be buying EVERYTHING for it. She has sent DP a list of all the stuff bought so far. These include, among other things, Cot , Pram, nursery furniture, clothes, kitchen equipment, car seat etc. And is saying she is still getting more stuff. She has not asked what i think or anything about my opinion. (She also keeps calling it her precious grandson, when we don't even know what gender it is).

These are all from car boots and internet, which i don't mind at all. However, although we would have bought second hand stuff, they would have been our choice. I have (as usual 1st mum) been researching best prams/cots etc. And as a new mum i am excited about choosing these things together with DP.

So is she just being nice or controlling? DP thinks it's great, as she is showing an interest in baby and it means everything will be free (he doesn't really care whether things match or understand why i would enjoy choosing my own stuff).

She has a history of insisting we have her choice of stuff and then going off if we say no. I just feel i am being excluded from my own baby. I feel that she has had hers and now she's trying to take over mine. I just feel like an incubator for her 'precious grandson' - altho she doesn't seem to have registered that she will never see it if things remain as they are.

Sorry for being a bit rambling. Could someone shake me and give me a dose of reality. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Spuddybean · 18/04/2012 21:20

mchappy i think yes she has been for a while. However, i also think they have a 'dynamic'. She loves being a victim and martyr. I think she has a personality disorder tbh. She banned her own daughters at his suggestion. He plays to her vanity and paranoia to do his dirty work. So saying 'they think your a liar', 'they are laughing at you', 'they think you are silly' makes her then work herself into a frenzy. He then doesn't ever have to share his space with anyone and the risk of being disagreed with is reduced.

OP posts:
JingleMum · 18/04/2012 21:23

why would they ban their daughters???!! mental!

i really feel for your DP, he must be up the wall with them.

Original poster
Spuddybean · 18/04/2012 21:23

DP thinks they will love it if it's a girl too but i just can't see it. I love him, he really tries to see the best in people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spuddybean · 18/04/2012 21:25

They are her daughters! not FILS. DP has never really met them. One got in touch a while back and he told MIL. MILS first reaction was 'don't tell them where we live - they will be after our money'. It's just so sad.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 18/04/2012 21:25

I just don't think I could ever risk allowing them access to my child; at some point they would reject it as they did with their daughters, and if my child had built up a relationship before then, that would hurt my child. Let's face it, there's absolutely no chance that they would not, at some point, ban the child from their home.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/04/2012 21:29

Woah, just read your latest post Spuddy, about the daughters being only MIL's, not FIL's. So "She has banned her 2 daughters from the house since they were young." - how young? And "DP has never really met them." - has your DP never queried that?

JingleMum · 18/04/2012 21:30

so they are from a previous relationship? did she have them adopted or something?

i really don't know what you can do here OP. if your DP is still visiting them after your baby is born then he is going to be putting up with a hell of a lot of crying from his mum "why haven't you brought the baby? when are you bringing the baby?" etc.. he will be guilt ridden. alot of men are very protective towards their mothers.

wannaBe · 18/04/2012 21:30

so she gets upset when you don't do what she wants. Tbh, I would go out of my way to upset someone like that. but then perhaps I am a biiitch. Wink Grin

seriously, she is clearly a nightmare, but why is your dp facilitating this? if my parents banned my dh from their home then I would refuse to go there. By continuing to communicate with them, by accepting their interfeerance in your lives he is essentially saying that it's entirely ok for them to treat you this way. He is way out of line...

candr · 18/04/2012 21:31

Stay away. If you do end up with their stuff store and sell it yourselves. They od knows what they would put in his head or even tell lies about his mother to him. I feel for your DP but they are not your parents and it will be healthier for all of you to maintain a 'huge' distance.

WinkyWinkola · 18/04/2012 21:31

That's what I thought, WhereYouLeftit.

Your baby, op, will be subject to the most confusing and upsetting behaviour from its gps. Obviously when it's older. This is a really crappy situation to be in.

I think you should just proceed with buying your own stuff and if she gets shirty, simply say, "It's my child. I'm going to buy my child the things he/she needs. If you would like to buy her a gift, then please do ask me what we need and I am very happy to tell you."

Don't get drawn into her weirdness. And the same goes for your dh. It is all very weird.

Original poster
Spuddybean · 18/04/2012 21:38

The girls lived with their father. DP has never questioned this or been interested in a relationship with them. They just weren't mentioned growing up. I'm not sure how old he was when he found out - he doesn't like to talk about these things.

Well we are emigrating next year so they aren't really going to have the opportunity to do my babies any damage!

And to all those saying 'just say to her..' i can't, i would love to, but i have no access to communicating with her. You are still basing this on some kind of semblance of a normal relationship! there is none.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 18/04/2012 21:45

Thank goodness you are emigrating!

wannaBe · 18/04/2012 21:47

don't you have her email address? If she is emailing your dp then surely you have it? I would email her and say:

"dear mil.

I am aware that you hve been buying things for our baby, however as I am not allowed in your home I am surprised that you seemed to think you would be granted a relationship with this child. I wouldn't want you to waste any time or money buying things for a baby you are never likely to see. Therefore you would probably be best to stop buying things and to sell on any of the stuff you have bought. |

elizaregina · 18/04/2012 21:51

unfortuanlty what alot of posters have said " what will happen after birth, will they expect to have baby for an hour, then a few without you there"

has totally happened to me, but my DD doesnt warm to them at all.

nip it in the bud....I would profusly thank her though...BTW where is your mum?

My biggest problem was my mother is no longer with us - I was desperat to share with mine, and couldnt so tried my best with MIL....

Original poster
Spuddybean · 18/04/2012 21:52

Well there are 2 reason i suppose wannaBe 1 is i don't open dps emails and only see the emails over his shoulder if he is reading them. He occasionally shows me one but as he knows the relationship not often. And 2, He would be extraordinarily upset and she would overreact and then i would be at fault. It is much easier to keep a dignified distance and leave the wailing to her!

However, i like your email idea ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
Spuddybean · 18/04/2012 21:56

eliza they wont be able to have the baby - as i said they live miles away. They also, and this is odd considering, hate babies and children. All those little opinions and loud intrusive crying etc. So as usual they want to buy a load of stuff to convince themselves they are part of DP's life. But the sad fact is they just aren't and everything is on their terms and at arms length and that isn't the way babies work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spuddybean · 18/04/2012 21:58

Oh and my Mum and Dad also live miles away so we don't see them much either. Despite the half siblings (on both sides) we are both only children. So we are very much alone in everything we do.

I don't have any friends either - hence my need for mumsnet advice.

OP posts:
maddening · 18/04/2012 22:09

yanbu - you need dp onside - show him this thread

also you say usually dp tips all their gifts - so why now does he want to keep it? - possibly he is in increased contact and they are "getting to him" ?

EmsieRo · 18/04/2012 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnAirOfHope · 18/04/2012 22:11

They sound like my mum and dad.

Get your dp in to counciling now so he does not repete the behaviour to your child.

Tell Dp that you dont want to know anything about them, they are not to be talked about with you. That you want nothing from them and will do nothing for them. They are ban from your house.

Ask him if he wants to choice baby stuff with you. If not then do it on your own and have fun.

Most of all remeber they are adults and choise to behavioue like that and you cant change or make someone else do anything.

My dads the same running to his room and last week he ban my sister she just ignores him. He is 73 and its getting worse the older he gets. They also live in a world of there own and my mum goes along with it. But its their choise you can ignore it/them or just have no contact to save your own sanity.

It will all look different for your partner when the baby is here - and you. Good luck xx

elizaregina · 18/04/2012 22:12

spuddybean - this is why my DC hasnt warmed to them, my PIL house is treated like a church - every surface is precious and musnt be scrathed or used really...i have them on video my DH took saying when dd stepped into thier no go zone room - voice full of panic " errr miss....errrrrr.....shall we get her out is there any thing breakable in there...or anything she can damage...." the poor child isnt even moving, she has taken two steps into it and is looking back at them nervoulsy! I wanted to scream YES THERE IS SOMETHING BREAKABLE IN THERE - ITS YOUR Gd"

I dont speak to mine either, its quite frustrating not being able to communicate but in a way OK.

I agree with previous poster though that perhaps your DP has abnormal way of dealing with it as so used to it - mine certianly has.

I posted on here about MIL sharing a bath with DD, and was brought back to reality very quickly...

If your emigrating soon, and they live along way away etc....to be completly honest...i would problbly do as your Dp says and just say thanks and accept it.

They will never know what you have done with it - esp if emmigrating.

My prob was mine breathing down my neck and has done ever since....distance is what i desperatly need from them. you do sound understanding thats yours has a mental health problem - as has mine...i was told my family friend MIL has been totally obsessed with son since day born....i have been understanding, pateint put up with crap and it never got me anywhere.

maddening · 18/04/2012 22:12

yanbu - you need dp onside - show him this thread

also you say usually dp tips all their gifts - so why now does he want to keep it? - possibly he is in increased contact and they are "getting to him" ?

pigletmania · 18/04/2012 22:12

Blimey op she is barmey. Don't accept any stuff from her. Your dp should grow a pair an stick up for you. Why te hell is she buying stuff for a grandchild she does not want to see. Yes I would definitely e bay charity shop the lot and those that can't can go to the tip. Why are you accepting this behaviour and making excuses fr it

nannyl · 18/04/2012 22:15

yanbu

McHappyPants2012 · 18/04/2012 22:20

the more i read this thread the more i think yanbu. I would rather put hot pins in my eyes than allow DC in there lives.