To feel confused and upset by being ignored

[CaffeineShadow]

Since I have become a mum I have found it hard to make friends with other mums who are on the same wavelength as me. I have lots of old friends who have no children.
Last summer I made a new mummy friend that I met at a playgroup and we got on amazingly well. She has a 3 year old DD as do I. So began a really good friendship where we met up a lot with the children and without. The two girls were calling each other "best friends". She also lives just down the road from me so very handy. She invited me to go to Circus of Horrors with her and we just got on amazingly well and had a lot in common. I started to confide in her about private stuff, naturally.
My DD is a very spirited child, her emotions are so strong whether good or bad.If she doesn't get her own way she screams so loudly, it's quite embarrassing, she can get very hitty and have lots of tantrums. When we met up with the children we had to watch them a lot as they were either totally in love or fighting. But we used to laugh about it as it's quite common at their age.
After a little while of these meetings she came over our house with her daughter and my DD started getting very upset and unruly as her friend was playing with DDs toys. She ended up hitting my friend's DD and having an embarrassing screaming tantrum and so they swiftly left and I obviously punished my DD as much as I could and warned her that her friend's mummy may not allow her DD round to ours anymore if she carried on like that every time.
A few weeks passed where I didn't hear from my friend so I texted her and she said she had just been busy. I asked her if she and her DD would like to meet me and my DD at the park as I thought they would both be out in the fresh air together and they don't have to share any toys.
As soon as they got there I had my back to the children as I said hi to my friend and she was facing them. She suddenly shouted out that my DD was kicking sand at her DD. I quickly picked her up to take her to a table to give her a warning. I told her if it carried on we would go home as it is dangerous and naughty to kick sand. She had a scream and cry then agreed she wouldn't do it again. A few seconds later she was doing it again and my friend looked really pissed off (I don't blame her, so was I!) So again I took her away and she said she needed the toilet so off we went to the toilet and I was going home afterwards. We got back to the park and my friend said she was going. I said I'd just get my stuff together and walk with her. She said she had to go immediately.
After that we were supposed to meet up one on one whilst the girl's where at nursery but when it came to the day she cancelled saying she had totally forgotten she was supposed to meet me so had arranged to meet her family. After that I texted her again about meeting up and she sent a vague msg saying that we should meet up sometime.
A couple of weeks ago I told her about a fete that was on which her and her DD came to but she hardly spoke to me at all and then left as soon as her daughter fell over in the playground. She said we should meet up in the easter holidays.
Over the easter holidays I texted her about three times asking if she wanted to meet up and apologising once again for DDs behaviour to her DD and she sent back vague msgs saying "next week sometime" and didn't mention the apology. When next week came I didn't hear anything.
I have stopped texting her now as I feel like I am chasing and chasing and making myself look like a stalker!
But AIBU to want her to just tell me if she doesn't want to be friends with me and stop skirting around the issue? I am quite upset as we had so much in common and I really thought I had found a really good friend.
If you get this far with the reading, you are amazing and thank you!

Hmmm...at the risk of sounding blunt, I think she is making it perfectly clear she doesn't want to be friends with you any more. She has cooled things right down has she not?

You need to sort out your dd's behaviour OP. What you describe is not what I would call 'spirited'. I would consider it naughty.
You say she gets 'very hitty'.
Well in all honesty, I don't make my kids hang out with hitters. I have ditched a couple of friends in the past because of their childrens bad behaviour and hitting.

I think this is what has happened to you.

I would say its evident that she finds the behaviour your DD shows towards hers outweighs the benefits of the friendship. She probably wants to shield her child from getting hurt, depressing as that may seem to you.

You may just have to chalk this one up to experience. Yes in an ideal world she should talk to you straight but how many people actually find themselves able to say straight to someone "I don't want to meet up with you any more."?

Why don't you ask her (i.e. speak to her, not text) to go for drink with you or do something without the kids? Maybe say you want to stay friends with her but you understand if it's stressful with the kids so why not see if she wants to be friends and keep the kids apart until they're a bit older? Sorry but I've been in her shoes and have dropped people as I got fed up my DS being thumped and kicked every time I met up with someone and their DS.

awwww bless you, you handled everything very well.

If it was me, i think I'd not try and contact her for a little while then send her a text just saying ur going to X place with your daughter and if she would like to meet you there? i would give it some breathing time and leave it for at least 3 weeks tho.

I think you sound lovely but maye she's just not very tolerent? or maybe she's a little over protective of her DD.

Either way, hope it works out for you :)

You handled everything right BUT it just sounds like she finds your DD's behavior too much and although she prob thinks you are great, your DD's behavior just ruins all your outings anyway.

Harsh as it sounds, I dont blame her...my DS has had certain friendships where the kids are just so dreadful (not saying your DD is but she does sound challenging ) its just easier to let things drift...my free time is so precious I cant be doing spending time acting as a referee to the kids.

Hope you get something sorted...and good luck!

Have you suggested meeting her without the children? Just be an adult friend and not involve the kids at all. Its very difficult for her if her daughter is being hurt and is saying that she doesn't want to see/play with your child. Maybe she's trying to save you and her the embarrasment of telling you that her child doesn't like the behaviour of yours.

To be honest its not that common for children to fight like that
although "bestest" friends can change quite a bit.

Hi - I'm afraid it sounds like she is ignoring you - you are already aware of why she's done this, sighting your DD's behaviour. If she is a good friend maybe worth meeting up in the evening for a glass of wine or away from the DD's? I have the exact same problem, a lovely friend who's DS behaviour is really bad, he swears, kicks and is generally horrid to my DS, it starts out OK but you soon realise that meeting up with the children isn't going to work, it's like the honeymoon period.

I really liked this friend so suggested that the boys had fallen out maybe would she like to stick to adult time - i was never blunt enough to say his behaviour was awful, but haven't needed to, we meet up still she tells me all her woes about how naughty he is etc but we have carried on the friendship regardless of our differences in raising and displine of our children?? maybe worth a go? Some friendships are worth keeping?

I'e got to be blunt seeing as your friendships have dwindled since the arrival of your DD it does sound to me like her behaviour is what's causing people to shy away from making friends with you? Maybe get strict!!

That's right Katisha - no-one ever says "I don't want to be friends any more" do they....they just distance themselves slowly but surely.

OP - I know I sound harsh to you - but I have been on the other side of this, and it is very hard to continue a friendship with someone whose child treats yours badly by hitting them and refusing to play nicely. My son used to ask not to play with those 'hitty' children, as he disliked their company and their behaviour...as did I.
When the parent in question doesn't seem to be able to put a stop to it, it's just not a goer. I will not put my kids out there to be thumped and bullied by another, just because I happen to like the mum...kwim?

I am saying this to help you to realise that this problem will not go away unless you take action over your dd's temper and hitting. This is quite likely to happen to you again....and in the end your dd will suffer, as no-one will want to play with her.

Put a stop to the hitting. She is 3, and while she is still only tiny and will present challenging behaviour because that is normal, she is old enough to understand "No hitting!"

I have had this situation but my child was the inoccent one being hurt all the time. My friend and I were always able to discuss the behaviour but in the end had to put my childs needs first and not meet with agressive child. I was honest about it and just explained that my son was really unhappy being with her daughter due to all the hitting/scratching etc. We met for drinks instead in the evening. We maintained our friendship and thankfully some years later her child calmed down and a lovely friendship blossomed between our kids.

Yeah, I have been in your friend's shoes too. I loved the mother, and the child most of the time- But my DS wasn't enjoying being hurt. It hurts, but she's only doing what she feels is right.

I have to say, i'm with pictish on this one

i have a friend with a child a lot like your daughter and quite frankly i'm not really prepared to let my kids be hurt and bullied by him any more.
although in our case my friend sits and watches because he's "just being a boy, and all kids go through this"

but it sounds like your friend has just had enough.
I think when you have a child who lashes out, or kicks sand or whatever else, then you really do need to be hovering over them constantly until they grow out of it tbh.

i think asking her if she'd like to meet up minus kids is a good idea though, i do this with my friend.

I feel sorry for you, but as the others have said, she's made it obvious that she doesn't want to spend time with you and your DD. I have been in your friend's position many years ago, when the DS of a good friend hurt mine every single time. Luckily, she was a long-standing friend from pre-DC days, so we could talk about it and we agreed to go out without the DC for a while.

If it's any consolation, her DS is now a lovely boy.

Unfortunately, unless you deal with your DD's behaviour now, you may find this happening with other friends too. No-one wants their child to be treated badly repeatedly. Which is what seems to be happening with your DD and your friend's DD.

I have a friend whose DD is unpredictable. She bit my DS and since then I've been reluctant to meet up with the friend as I just don't want my DS hurt any more. I am too much of a coward to say "I don't want to meet up because your DD is violent," so I've just stopped contacting her. It's mean and I'm not proud of it but I don't know if it would be any better if I told her the truth.

I've done the same when friend's children have behaved aggressively toward mine. You use the word 'spirited' which I think means naughty, I too have a 'spirited' child, (he's my last and most spoilt) although he's not aggressive at all!! Your dd does sound like she needs some serious boundaries.

I agree with the others, sounds very much like this friend has had enough of her child being on the receiving end of your DD's bad behaviour. You need to address it ASAP or your DD will be a lonely child at school. She may grow out of it but if its allowed to continue without consequence she may think its an acceptable way to behave and you dont want to alienate friends- not just as in this case you have lost someone you enjoyed spending time with but so your DD doesn't end up left out and lonely

Why don't you ask her if she wants to do something 'grown up' without your DDs. It might be that she likes you just fine but doesn't like your DD.

It sounds like she's doing exactly what people are advised to do on here - cool things down until the other person gets the message. I know it hurts and I do feel sorry for you...

As others have said, why not see if you can get together on your own for drinks or something? And then you can try again with the children when your DD grows out of this phase.

It is hard isn't it. My 4 yr old daughter was an angel with other kids, but my 2 yr old son went through a phase of hitting as well, although his was down to pure frustration as he has communication issues. I was lucky that my friends didn't dump me, they could see how hard I was trying to get things under control and they supported me with that. Having now had the shoe on the other foot i'm not so quick to judge other parents whose child hits out, as long as they are seen to do something about it. I had to tail ds all the time and intervene before something happened. It was seriously hard work but it had to be done. We do still have the odd episode but I am generally able to second guess it and stop things before they happen.
You could try and just have adult time with this woman, or you could contact her with your action plan for dd and see if she would support you with it. If not though, then I'd let it drop, I would have been sad if my friends had dumped me completely, but if they had then they probably weren't worth having anyway.
Get yourself some help with the behaviour as its going to be hard for dd especially when she starts school otherwise, and be brave, get out there and make yourself some new friends.

I feel for you, but clearly she has a viewpoint that her daughter comes first

and I guess her girl has been saying "I dont want to play with XX"

Its so hurtful for you, but she has made it 10000% clear

Take the message, delete her number and fuck her right back

I know its yukky though

OP - your friend is clearly distancing herself. You need to let it go and stop texting her. She clearly does not want a confrontation with you and is trying to show you by her actions that she doesn't want to meet up anymore. The reason is likely to be your DD's behaviour towards her DD. I'm not suggesting that the behaviour is your fault or that the behaviour is particularly horrendous, it's just that her child and her do not enjoy the company of you and your child. Move on from this, she's made her position clear.

Agree with others that you need to get on top of DD's behaviour right now. You will get loads of advice and support at your local Children's Centre. Not every parent magically knows how to manage difficult behaviour, and that's ok, but you do need to learn and get things under control now, not when she's older.

I agree with the others - you've been dumped and not for no good reason.

I'd forget her, try and re-establish contact with your old friends who don't have kids and arrange a night out with them.

My dc used to be treated vilely by a friends dc, and in the end I had to speak to her and say that I was very sorry but I just couldn't do it any more, but hoped we'd still be friends.

She was so relieved, she thought I was just avoiding her. Could you tell your friend you appreciate your dd is a nightmare and that hers doesn't want to see her, but maybe you could be adult friends?

Your dd might get better as she gets older?

as everyone else says.

3 is challenging age already without DD's being friends with people who are so naughty already.

If you want to mend bridges with her mum you might need to ask if she's happy to meet up with just you for a coffee and talk things through without the girls but i think you'd also have to recognise she's right to be cautious about the two girls being best friends.

I'm so sorry as this does sound upsetting but I think you are indeed being given the brush off - and I'm not saying this from the comfy position of having an angel child - I've got two very boisterous boys. I'm sure I've had similar treatment.

My two year old has been a hitter shover and at his worst I've had parents sweeping their children out of range when he's arrived at a playground and definite cold shoulders at the coffee table. I rarely bother making new friends and have long since stopped meeting anyone's gaze, if he's tantrumming just picked him up and left.

As to what to do, I recommend pulling your horns in a bit - I stopped going to coffee and playgroups where he was clearly not enjoying the company of the others (and it was mutual), I was getting stressed and others were finding his presence irritating. Funnily enough sitting with some buttons and a thread at home or helping me do some housework, or just pottering with his cars resulted in a calmer child. I still think he's one of natures introverts actually, he's not fond of playing "with".

If she has all that energy, once she stops being frustrated at the world I am sure she will be able to direct it somewhere amazing - is she talking as much as her peers? DS2's been better since his language has come on. Maybe chat to the Health Visitor to see if they have any ideas of how to rake her off the ceiling. My HV proclaimed DS2 to be normal I should add).

My other son is pretty spirited too - DS1 can't walk anywhere - he JIVES, it is maddening when I see people with children pacing moderately next to their parent, playing calmly. He's more social and likes making friends and has never hit anyone so his energy is easier to direct. We go swimming a LOT.

Hope that ramble is helpful - you're not the only parent in those situations, it doesn't mean you're hopelessly indulging her behaviour or that you are a bad parent, or if you are I am too.