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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel confused and upset by being ignored

235 replies

CaffeineShadow · 17/04/2012 14:18

Since I have become a mum I have found it hard to make friends with other mums who are on the same wavelength as me. I have lots of old friends who have no children.
Last summer I made a new mummy friend that I met at a playgroup and we got on amazingly well. She has a 3 year old DD as do I. So began a really good friendship where we met up a lot with the children and without. The two girls were calling each other "best friends". She also lives just down the road from me so very handy. She invited me to go to Circus of Horrors with her and we just got on amazingly well and had a lot in common. I started to confide in her about private stuff, naturally.
My DD is a very spirited child, her emotions are so strong whether good or bad.If she doesn't get her own way she screams so loudly, it's quite embarrassing, she can get very hitty and have lots of tantrums. When we met up with the children we had to watch them a lot as they were either totally in love or fighting. But we used to laugh about it as it's quite common at their age.
After a little while of these meetings she came over our house with her daughter and my DD started getting very upset and unruly as her friend was playing with DDs toys. She ended up hitting my friend's DD and having an embarrassing screaming tantrum and so they swiftly left and I obviously punished my DD as much as I could and warned her that her friend's mummy may not allow her DD round to ours anymore if she carried on like that every time.
A few weeks passed where I didn't hear from my friend so I texted her and she said she had just been busy. I asked her if she and her DD would like to meet me and my DD at the park as I thought they would both be out in the fresh air together and they don't have to share any toys.
As soon as they got there I had my back to the children as I said hi to my friend and she was facing them. She suddenly shouted out that my DD was kicking sand at her DD. I quickly picked her up to take her to a table to give her a warning. I told her if it carried on we would go home as it is dangerous and naughty to kick sand. She had a scream and cry then agreed she wouldn't do it again. A few seconds later she was doing it again and my friend looked really pissed off (I don't blame her, so was I!) So again I took her away and she said she needed the toilet so off we went to the toilet and I was going home afterwards. We got back to the park and my friend said she was going. I said I'd just get my stuff together and walk with her. She said she had to go immediately.
After that we were supposed to meet up one on one whilst the girl's where at nursery but when it came to the day she cancelled saying she had totally forgotten she was supposed to meet me so had arranged to meet her family. After that I texted her again about meeting up and she sent a vague msg saying that we should meet up sometime.
A couple of weeks ago I told her about a fete that was on which her and her DD came to but she hardly spoke to me at all and then left as soon as her daughter fell over in the playground. She said we should meet up in the easter holidays.
Over the easter holidays I texted her about three times asking if she wanted to meet up and apologising once again for DDs behaviour to her DD and she sent back vague msgs saying "next week sometime" and didn't mention the apology. When next week came I didn't hear anything.
I have stopped texting her now as I feel like I am chasing and chasing and making myself look like a stalker!
But AIBU to want her to just tell me if she doesn't want to be friends with me and stop skirting around the issue? I am quite upset as we had so much in common and I really thought I had found a really good friend.
If you get this far with the reading, you are amazing and thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
CaffeineShadow · 17/04/2012 18:02

I am not in denial at all about her behaviour. When did i say I accept it? I punish her, I give her consequences. I used the word spirited because it's a bit mean to say that my child is extremely naughty or the devil child as a lot of you seem to have her down as and also the quote that I put describes her exactly apart from the bed wetting.. I think I have been mumsnetted!! I'm usually a lurker but decided to post for once..my mistake. Retreats back to bad parent land with tail between my legs And thank you to the understanding people, it has been very hard but I feel like I am getting there now with her behaviour with the help of a health visitor and family.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaffeineShadow · 17/04/2012 18:03

Thanks Posie! [thankyou]

OP posts:
alwaysrunninginheels · 17/04/2012 18:06

Oh caffeine shadow I certainly wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. Because this is a forum you are bound to get responses that you don't want to hear- but hopefully some that you do want to hear to. Am glad to hear your health visitor and family are supportive. Take care and I hope things get easier.

NowThenWreck · 17/04/2012 18:13

My son has loads of those "spirited" qualities you mention, and is consequently quite hard work.
But he doesnt HIT. (Or spit, or push, or say mean things).
Because when he tried(hitting me) aged around 2, I stopped it. Zero tolerance, always.
He has never hit another child, partly because he is not interested in hurting other people, and partly because he is not allowed to!
Get over yourself, really OP, and take some responsibility for your child's behaviour.

splashingaround · 17/04/2012 18:14

My friend's 3 year old was spirited...it always ended badly but we still loved them. She is older now and still full of fire and passion, she is a force of nature and a delight.

One of mine was often violent, he would target those he loved the most out of some misplaced excitement. His best buddy bore the brunt and we are all still great friends.

i think adults with decent social skills get through it fine, you meet without the children, avoid small spaces for a while, talk it through. For some reason your friend couldn't do this, it is her loss. I would rather have friends who love us warts and all, who knows what horrors those 3 year olds will bring as they mature:)

MagsAloof · 17/04/2012 18:18

Absolutely@splashing. As your kids grow up, you see how children change and grow. And you realise that the angel faced 3 yr olds are just as likely to be nightmare teens as their more 'spirited' counterparts

The smuggards get their comuppence, then Grin

pictish · 17/04/2012 18:20

For fuck's sake - it is not smug or fairweather to not want to subject your child to being consistently belted by someone else's!!
Get real!

youarekidding · 17/04/2012 18:21

Wow le Queen Your DD2 sounds amazingly aceademic and socially gifted - but more importantly well behaved with it!

op I actually disagree that you deserve to be treated this way because of your DD's behaviour.

I totally agree if children hurt others they need to learn they won't be played with, but when your dealing with it, I can see no reason why your friend and you can't meet without the children. For her just to cut you off with no explanation as to why your friendship is over (as opposssed to the children's) is pretty poor IMO.

MagsAloof · 17/04/2012 18:22

Adults can talk about things, though, pictish.

To just ignore someone's texts is offkey.

manicbmc · 17/04/2012 18:24

Maybe the friend doesn't think the op has been addressing the behaviour issues consistently? Maybe the friend's child has said she doesn't want to play with the op's dd? It is her choice.

MagsAloof · 17/04/2012 18:25

I think the friend is a coward.

A real friend would ave said 'Can we meet for a coffee without the girls to have a bit of a chat' and been upfront.

Honestly, OP. You are better off without.

Aboutlastnight · 17/04/2012 18:26

If she was mine I would make boundaries clear at start of play - no hitting etc and have a talk about ' how would you feel if so and do did that to you?' and ' is he enjoying what you are doing? Then why are you doing that?'

If there was an incident I would strap DD in the buggy and ignore her while I made a tremendous fuss of other child. I would then talk to DD about her behaviour and suggest something the children found do together.

Op - it's no fun for re other child if your DD is behaving in this way Nd your Dd needs to be shown how to make positive relationships.

PullUpAPew · 17/04/2012 18:29

OP, it seems you know your daughter's behaviour is likely the cause. I totally understand your friend's avoidance, but maybe you should be the one to bring up the problem with her. Instead of just apologising for your daughter, which makes it sound like you want her to say 'it's ok', maybe you need to call her up and say 'I think it is hard for your daughter when mine is hitting, but I would like for us to stay friends. Would you be willing to meet just the two of us til she grows through this phase?'

I have been like your friend, if a friend's child is really hard work the playdates just aren't as appealing as they used to be. I don't always want to say something because don't want to cause a rift, just don't want to put my kids in the firing line too often! So if I don't say anything but am a bit busy for a while, I can pick it back up when the biting/pushing/hitting has passed over.

Doesn't mean I wouldn't be there for adult socials though, or to help with a problem, just wouldn't fancy the playdates.

PosieParker · 17/04/2012 18:34

Op, I really feel for you. When you look at your dd I'm sure you see a delightful child who occasionally makes mistakes and has a very strong will. But your friend may see a naughty child who upsets her dd and doesn't play nicely. I would offer the adult only friendship until your dd has grown out of this....it may take some time.

And have a hug.

pictish · 17/04/2012 18:35

I know adults can talk about things....but not every friendship can withstand an I'm-sorry-but-your-child-is-intolerable discussion, can it?

You have to be a very confident person to tell your friend that!

Mama1980 · 17/04/2012 18:35

Hi I do feel sorry for you op. but as many others have said I have had to dial back a friendship because a child just kept hitting/hurting my ds and friend did not stop it. I am very glad You are getting lots of support from family/ health visitor. My ds is very high spirited himself, active almost 24/7 very quick and intelligent, he needs information almost constantly-but he never hits, kicks, etc etc he knows this is not right. He incurs what my dd 14 calls my death stare Grin I am sorry about your friend but i think she has made her position clear.

Fifivisage · 17/04/2012 18:36

I have yet to meet a pre schooler who does not hit out/grab/push/be a bugger at some point. My friends and I are understanding when our kids go through these PHASES. It sounds to me like the OP is handling it well. This must be some mumsnet parallel universe where all pre schoolers conduct themselves like little angels.

I think the problem the op has is depending on one person too much for friendship. I would suggest getting out to more places and chatting to some more people who are not so judgmental.

MagsAloof · 17/04/2012 18:39

Each to their own, but I would expect a friend to be able to sit me down and say 'look, I'm finding X's behaviour quite difficult right now, here is what I suggest / what do you suggest?

Not just drop her.

Nevermind, OP. Move on. I am sure your DD will grow out of this phase, she is still so young. You will find other friends.

pictish · 17/04/2012 18:42

My ds1 never showed any compulsion to hit....neither did my ds2...but my dd - who is three - well she did! Slap happy!

It didn't last. Zero tolerance put and end to it sharpish.

No - our kids a certainly not all angels....but we still dislike seeing them being belted by other kids that hit out. Is that ok with you?

AutumnSummers · 17/04/2012 18:44

Mags is spot on.

SoupDragon · 17/04/2012 18:44

"Some spirited children may also bully a smaller, more defenseless child."

No, a bully will bully a smaller, more defenceless child.

MagsAloof · 17/04/2012 18:45

Its fine with me, thanks. Obviously not fine for the OP, who is pretty upset.

Mayisout · 17/04/2012 18:47

Poor OP.

This is prob a phase in your DDs development. I would try to find things DD really enjoys doing with you, swimming, baking etc. And try to change your relationship with DD for the better and once she is passed this phase try to remake the friendship.

Flowerface · 17/04/2012 18:49

I have a friend with a daughter the same age as my DD (2.5). They are always really pleased to see each other but it descends into a fight within about 5 mins. Her DD is prone to be rough - pushes/hits/shouts, etc - and mine is prone to melodrama so it is a pretty unpeaceful combo.

I have distanced myself recently because I am pregnant and knackered, and I don't meet up if DD is a bit tired or under the weather because as well as wanting to protect her, I can't face the fuss (and tbh the friend is not as strict about physical violence as I am). It's nothing personal - she's a good Mum, and I like her a lot, and her DD is perfectly normal - but I think tired Mums tend to be pragmatic choosing how to spend their time and energy!!

It's a bit sad as I now spend time with people I like less because they have more placid children...

Greatdomestic · 17/04/2012 19:01

I'm sorry you feel upset and let down by this friend. She's made her feelings clear and as many have said, not everyone feels comfortable having a "sorry, your kid is a nightmare and I don't want my kid around her anymore" conversation for whatever reason. Also, you don't know what else is going on in her life at the moment - she may have all sorts of other worries taking up her time just now.