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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel confused and upset by being ignored

235 replies

CaffeineShadow · 17/04/2012 14:18

Since I have become a mum I have found it hard to make friends with other mums who are on the same wavelength as me. I have lots of old friends who have no children.
Last summer I made a new mummy friend that I met at a playgroup and we got on amazingly well. She has a 3 year old DD as do I. So began a really good friendship where we met up a lot with the children and without. The two girls were calling each other "best friends". She also lives just down the road from me so very handy. She invited me to go to Circus of Horrors with her and we just got on amazingly well and had a lot in common. I started to confide in her about private stuff, naturally.
My DD is a very spirited child, her emotions are so strong whether good or bad.If she doesn't get her own way she screams so loudly, it's quite embarrassing, she can get very hitty and have lots of tantrums. When we met up with the children we had to watch them a lot as they were either totally in love or fighting. But we used to laugh about it as it's quite common at their age.
After a little while of these meetings she came over our house with her daughter and my DD started getting very upset and unruly as her friend was playing with DDs toys. She ended up hitting my friend's DD and having an embarrassing screaming tantrum and so they swiftly left and I obviously punished my DD as much as I could and warned her that her friend's mummy may not allow her DD round to ours anymore if she carried on like that every time.
A few weeks passed where I didn't hear from my friend so I texted her and she said she had just been busy. I asked her if she and her DD would like to meet me and my DD at the park as I thought they would both be out in the fresh air together and they don't have to share any toys.
As soon as they got there I had my back to the children as I said hi to my friend and she was facing them. She suddenly shouted out that my DD was kicking sand at her DD. I quickly picked her up to take her to a table to give her a warning. I told her if it carried on we would go home as it is dangerous and naughty to kick sand. She had a scream and cry then agreed she wouldn't do it again. A few seconds later she was doing it again and my friend looked really pissed off (I don't blame her, so was I!) So again I took her away and she said she needed the toilet so off we went to the toilet and I was going home afterwards. We got back to the park and my friend said she was going. I said I'd just get my stuff together and walk with her. She said she had to go immediately.
After that we were supposed to meet up one on one whilst the girl's where at nursery but when it came to the day she cancelled saying she had totally forgotten she was supposed to meet me so had arranged to meet her family. After that I texted her again about meeting up and she sent a vague msg saying that we should meet up sometime.
A couple of weeks ago I told her about a fete that was on which her and her DD came to but she hardly spoke to me at all and then left as soon as her daughter fell over in the playground. She said we should meet up in the easter holidays.
Over the easter holidays I texted her about three times asking if she wanted to meet up and apologising once again for DDs behaviour to her DD and she sent back vague msgs saying "next week sometime" and didn't mention the apology. When next week came I didn't hear anything.
I have stopped texting her now as I feel like I am chasing and chasing and making myself look like a stalker!
But AIBU to want her to just tell me if she doesn't want to be friends with me and stop skirting around the issue? I am quite upset as we had so much in common and I really thought I had found a really good friend.
If you get this far with the reading, you are amazing and thank you!

OP posts:
MagsAloof · 17/04/2012 21:03

That's great for you, pictish. You should have your own version of Supernanny, as you are clearly a brilliant parent...

LeQueen · 17/04/2012 21:04

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 17/04/2012 21:04

Oh and I'm not smug. I have 4 DC's who are all VERY different. As a parent the only thing that is consistent in my parenting of the 4 of them is being consistent. Ds1 and 2 are polar opposites and as a toddler Ds2 was a piece of cake to parent if he had been my 1st I would have been so smug.

LeQueen · 17/04/2012 21:06

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manicbmc · 17/04/2012 21:06

Pictish speaks a hell of a lot of sense, imo. One warning about behaviour and if it happened again it was swiftly dealt with. Sounds sensible, not smug.

pictish · 17/04/2012 21:08

None taken! I thought it was common sense, but if in actual fact it makes me brilliant then I'm going with that! Grin

butterfingerz · 17/04/2012 21:09

Well I'm pretty sure I am in possession of THE most 'spirited' DD to have walked the earth. Shes also 3 and can throw the biggest, loudest strop, usually in public. Her preschool teacher said she can be 'intense' at times, I said "that's one way of putting it".

But she grew out of that hitting stage by about 2.5yrs. I was quite strict but she's always been über sociable so I guess she developed the theory of mind to realise if she wants friends then she'd have to stop whacking them in the face!

Oh and I was the lovely, well behaved, placid child but an absolutely nightmarish teenager... I'm hoping my DD is the opposite, I can't be doing with this x2!

LeQueen · 17/04/2012 21:12

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscary · 17/04/2012 21:18

In the real world people don't sit their friends down to have long chat about their children's bad behaviour - because they know it most likely will not be received very badly . And also most of us don't have the bloody time or energy what with parenting our own children and all!

That said I have often prayed fervently that certain friends would actually bring their dc's dreadful behaviour into the open instead of it being the elephant in the room so it could be discussed and she could be supported. The denial and defensiveness (and lack of effective parenting) is the killer.

Proudnscary · 17/04/2012 21:18

Durr I mean it will be received very badly

SmethwickBelle · 17/04/2012 21:22

Noqontrol you see you have picked up on something I mentioned waaay back in the thread that is lack of language is sometimes at the root of horrible behaviour.

And without wishing to enter the parenting Olympics underway I also mentioned I have carried DS2 out of plenty of situations, so it's not an either/or; I'm perfectly firm with him. But most significantly he learns more words, he talks more and flings himself about less.

dreamingbohemian · 17/04/2012 21:24

Mags looks like you needed a /sarcasm/ emoticon there Wink

Labradorlover · 17/04/2012 21:26

Lequeen, I was the mum who seemed the spend most of DD being 2/3 leaving places. She bit, hit, kicked, scratched, pushed. I wouldn't have described it as spirited, but a total fucking nightmare. I did zero tolerance and leaving places. She wasn't like that all the time. Mostly could play fine but it was like the mad eye took over and she couldn't control herself.
I lost one friend because of it.

Others were amazing and helped monitor and tell her off. But I didn't pretend that it was okay. I spoke to my friends and agreed what to do and met up in wide open spaces.
It seems like a distant memory as she is now polite, caring, sharing.
I think the OP should have phoned her friend straight after the hitting in the house incident and apologised for her daughter's behaviour and asked if the child who was hit, was ok. To leave it weeks and then randomly text is minimizing what happened.

pictish · 17/04/2012 21:27

I agree Proudnscary - it's just not a conversation very many people actually have, is it?

I am the bluntest person I can think of (except for my brother), but even I could not have the unless-you-discipline-your-horrendous-child-more-effectively-we-cannot-be friends-any-more chat. Who could, in actuality?
It sounds all very grown up, considerate and sensible on the thread here...but no-one tells their friend that their child is an insufferable pain in the arse to the point of not being able to be around them, do they? Not really.

I slinked out, just as the OP's friend is doing.

Labradorlover · 17/04/2012 21:30

notquontrol DD didn't speak till 2.5.

LeQueen · 17/04/2012 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 17/04/2012 21:32

Same here LeQueen.

Labradorlover · 17/04/2012 21:36

I've just remembered that at my lowest, I hoped for a big kid to batter DD, just so she could understand what is was like to be on the recieving end.......never happened.......

Noqontrol · 17/04/2012 21:46

Labradorlover, you're right, not just spirited, a fucking nightmare. I did drag the elephant into the room and spoke to my friends about it though. It made a huge difference. Ds is 2.5 yrs now. Hopefully the speech will come soon and it will all be a distant memory.

Proudnscary · 17/04/2012 21:50

Yup, pictish - that's MN for ya, lots of posters talking absolute baloney about how they would deal with things in RL.

dreamingbohemian · 17/04/2012 21:53

Of course you don't say 'if you don't discipline your child we can't be friends'. Jaysus.

I would have gone about it like this. Once it became clear the OP was perhaps not getting the hint with my brush-off, I would have said: I'm sorry I've been evasive lately. To be honest, I'm a little shaken by what's happened the last few times we met up, and I'm worried that my DD might get hurt. I think it might be best if we didn't get together for a while. Maybe when they are a bit older they'll be able to play together more nicely.

Just to emphasise, I would only say this if it became clear the other person was not getting the hint and kept texting to meet up. In that case it just feels wrong to string them along with 'maybe next week'.

dreamingbohemian · 17/04/2012 21:57

Proud it's not baloney. I've broken up with friends before and had them break up with me.

Fair enough if it's a foreign concept to a lot of people. I can see from this thread it's a crazy idea Smile

ReactionaryFish · 17/04/2012 22:06

It's funny how threads like this always bring out the same people going on about what marvellous jobs they made of disciplining their children. "Well I took him out of pizza hut the once and he never did it again." I would respectfully suggest that if that is a truthful account, you have no conception of genuinely challenging behaviour and you have been very lucky - it is not, I'm afraid, due to any particular merit on your part.
I am inferring from the OP that you both have just the one child. Chances are when your friend has more kids she'll find herself with a similar problem to yours, and wish she had been a bit more tolerant. But that's no help to you now. If she's not up for meeting without the kids then you can do no more, and I think you may already have made more effort than she deserves!

Labradorlover · 17/04/2012 22:09

noqontrol yes to talking about it.
DD had 6 words at 2.5. Then in a matter of weeks full sentences ( but no one could understand her speech for months ) Nursery also helped ( more people to tell her off ) and time and consistency. Hell for over a year, but I find I'm quite an unflappable parent now as I've had so much practice at dealing with shite behaviour. Hang in there, DD now never stops talking and is soo much fun to go out socialising with.

Noqontrol · 17/04/2012 22:17

Lab, I really hope the speech happens for us soon too. I'm becoming unflappable, still have the odd blip but I'm getting there. I've just signed ds up for 1 morning a week nursery in the hope that it will help him some as well. Maybe if it works i'll increase it. Fingers crossed I will have a socialised child within the next year or so. Then I can go and find something else to worry about Smile