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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel confused and upset by being ignored

235 replies

CaffeineShadow · 17/04/2012 14:18

Since I have become a mum I have found it hard to make friends with other mums who are on the same wavelength as me. I have lots of old friends who have no children.
Last summer I made a new mummy friend that I met at a playgroup and we got on amazingly well. She has a 3 year old DD as do I. So began a really good friendship where we met up a lot with the children and without. The two girls were calling each other "best friends". She also lives just down the road from me so very handy. She invited me to go to Circus of Horrors with her and we just got on amazingly well and had a lot in common. I started to confide in her about private stuff, naturally.
My DD is a very spirited child, her emotions are so strong whether good or bad.If she doesn't get her own way she screams so loudly, it's quite embarrassing, she can get very hitty and have lots of tantrums. When we met up with the children we had to watch them a lot as they were either totally in love or fighting. But we used to laugh about it as it's quite common at their age.
After a little while of these meetings she came over our house with her daughter and my DD started getting very upset and unruly as her friend was playing with DDs toys. She ended up hitting my friend's DD and having an embarrassing screaming tantrum and so they swiftly left and I obviously punished my DD as much as I could and warned her that her friend's mummy may not allow her DD round to ours anymore if she carried on like that every time.
A few weeks passed where I didn't hear from my friend so I texted her and she said she had just been busy. I asked her if she and her DD would like to meet me and my DD at the park as I thought they would both be out in the fresh air together and they don't have to share any toys.
As soon as they got there I had my back to the children as I said hi to my friend and she was facing them. She suddenly shouted out that my DD was kicking sand at her DD. I quickly picked her up to take her to a table to give her a warning. I told her if it carried on we would go home as it is dangerous and naughty to kick sand. She had a scream and cry then agreed she wouldn't do it again. A few seconds later she was doing it again and my friend looked really pissed off (I don't blame her, so was I!) So again I took her away and she said she needed the toilet so off we went to the toilet and I was going home afterwards. We got back to the park and my friend said she was going. I said I'd just get my stuff together and walk with her. She said she had to go immediately.
After that we were supposed to meet up one on one whilst the girl's where at nursery but when it came to the day she cancelled saying she had totally forgotten she was supposed to meet me so had arranged to meet her family. After that I texted her again about meeting up and she sent a vague msg saying that we should meet up sometime.
A couple of weeks ago I told her about a fete that was on which her and her DD came to but she hardly spoke to me at all and then left as soon as her daughter fell over in the playground. She said we should meet up in the easter holidays.
Over the easter holidays I texted her about three times asking if she wanted to meet up and apologising once again for DDs behaviour to her DD and she sent back vague msgs saying "next week sometime" and didn't mention the apology. When next week came I didn't hear anything.
I have stopped texting her now as I feel like I am chasing and chasing and making myself look like a stalker!
But AIBU to want her to just tell me if she doesn't want to be friends with me and stop skirting around the issue? I am quite upset as we had so much in common and I really thought I had found a really good friend.
If you get this far with the reading, you are amazing and thank you!

OP posts:
LeQueen · 18/04/2012 18:54

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HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 19/04/2012 13:11

She sounds very much like the woman I know, lequeen. She always insinuates it is other parents that are in the wrong for not accepting her 'wonderful, spirited' children, when in actual fact it's because they are little horrors at best, far worse than that at worst.

I think some people do live in a parallel universe that their DCs are at the centre of!

LeQueen · 19/04/2012 14:12

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LeQueen · 19/04/2012 14:15

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bejeezus · 19/04/2012 19:37

And quite often refer to children who are not 'spirited' as docile or similar, which has slightly dull, boring conotations lequeen Hmm

LeQueen · 19/04/2012 19:57

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exoticfruits · 19/04/2012 20:00

I like the generally used term 'free spirit' -does exactly as they like!,

scottishmummy · 19/04/2012 20:01

free spirit make me think stubborn
and parents being flaky

OAM2009 · 22/04/2012 21:50

OP, I think YANBU in being confused and upset at being ignored. It's a horrible situation to be in, where you don't know what to do or how to sort things out. I think your friend has not been kind to you - there are many other ways this situation could have been resolved. She could have discussed it with you in person or tactfully phrased a text msg to explain the situation. I accept that's not easy to do but ignoring you will probably destroy your friendship anyway so what has she got to lose? I think you will have to accept that she doesn't want to be friends right now and try and focus on other friendships. Perhaps she will make contact in the future and you can decide then whether to continue your friendship.

I also think people have offered their advice on here in a very forthright way that must have been hard to read Brew. I note that you asked about your friendship, not about how to discipline your child.

Having said that, I would politely suggest to you that you take a good, honest look at your tactics for dealing with your DD's aggressive behaviour. Only you know how you are dealing with it. If you know you are being firm, fair, consistent and letting her clearly know that this behaviour is unacceptable, then keep on keeping on and she will get it in the end Smile. If you actually think there is more you can do, at least there is plenty of advice for you on here on that subject Smile

I hope you end up being happier with the situation xxx

treadwarily · 23/04/2012 00:41

I agree with Joolyjoolyjoo and OAM2009

I have done the same, pulled away from friends whose children behaved badly. One in particular, she tried very hard, went to parenting courses etc but seemed to have a mental block in that she blamed the child entirely ("she's so strong-willed" which I match to you calling your dd "spirited" - they are excuses for bad behaviour and not acceptable) and could not comprehend that she could take charge.

It's just no fun when one kid is hitting, snatching and screaming. And it's no fun when the other parent spends the whole time reprimanding their child, it's just tedious as fuck.

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