To feel confused and upset by being ignored

[CaffeineShadow]

Since I have become a mum I have found it hard to make friends with other mums who are on the same wavelength as me. I have lots of old friends who have no children.
Last summer I made a new mummy friend that I met at a playgroup and we got on amazingly well. She has a 3 year old DD as do I. So began a really good friendship where we met up a lot with the children and without. The two girls were calling each other "best friends". She also lives just down the road from me so very handy. She invited me to go to Circus of Horrors with her and we just got on amazingly well and had a lot in common. I started to confide in her about private stuff, naturally.
My DD is a very spirited child, her emotions are so strong whether good or bad.If she doesn't get her own way she screams so loudly, it's quite embarrassing, she can get very hitty and have lots of tantrums. When we met up with the children we had to watch them a lot as they were either totally in love or fighting. But we used to laugh about it as it's quite common at their age.
After a little while of these meetings she came over our house with her daughter and my DD started getting very upset and unruly as her friend was playing with DDs toys. She ended up hitting my friend's DD and having an embarrassing screaming tantrum and so they swiftly left and I obviously punished my DD as much as I could and warned her that her friend's mummy may not allow her DD round to ours anymore if she carried on like that every time.
A few weeks passed where I didn't hear from my friend so I texted her and she said she had just been busy. I asked her if she and her DD would like to meet me and my DD at the park as I thought they would both be out in the fresh air together and they don't have to share any toys.
As soon as they got there I had my back to the children as I said hi to my friend and she was facing them. She suddenly shouted out that my DD was kicking sand at her DD. I quickly picked her up to take her to a table to give her a warning. I told her if it carried on we would go home as it is dangerous and naughty to kick sand. She had a scream and cry then agreed she wouldn't do it again. A few seconds later she was doing it again and my friend looked really pissed off (I don't blame her, so was I!) So again I took her away and she said she needed the toilet so off we went to the toilet and I was going home afterwards. We got back to the park and my friend said she was going. I said I'd just get my stuff together and walk with her. She said she had to go immediately.
After that we were supposed to meet up one on one whilst the girl's where at nursery but when it came to the day she cancelled saying she had totally forgotten she was supposed to meet me so had arranged to meet her family. After that I texted her again about meeting up and she sent a vague msg saying that we should meet up sometime.
A couple of weeks ago I told her about a fete that was on which her and her DD came to but she hardly spoke to me at all and then left as soon as her daughter fell over in the playground. She said we should meet up in the easter holidays.
Over the easter holidays I texted her about three times asking if she wanted to meet up and apologising once again for DDs behaviour to her DD and she sent back vague msgs saying "next week sometime" and didn't mention the apology. When next week came I didn't hear anything.
I have stopped texting her now as I feel like I am chasing and chasing and making myself look like a stalker!
But AIBU to want her to just tell me if she doesn't want to be friends with me and stop skirting around the issue? I am quite upset as we had so much in common and I really thought I had found a really good friend.
If you get this far with the reading, you are amazing and thank you!

The term "spirited child" as far as I know appears in "parenting your spirited child" first. However this is very much about kids who have sensory issues, without being aggressive. It is also used elsewhere, but it sounds even closer to descriptions of ASD children.

The first book helped a bit with my kids, especially the oldest two who are not ASD, but probably both dyslexic (one with a dx).

But yes it is only a short step to Star children, Indigo Children and Rainbow children.

Sorry, OP (if you're still there!) but I have had a couple of "mummy-friends" who I have diplomatically pulled away from due to their children's behaviour. One of them in particular reminds me a little of your description. Her ds was much wanted and a result of long years of fertility treatment. She did try, and she was a really nice person, but she just never seemed to be "in charge" of the situation, for want of a better expression. She often wheedled him, and asked other children to let him have what he wanted, just for the sake of peace. She got very flustered by his behaviour, and made lots and lots of excuses for it, but seemed to not really address it (not saying you are like this, btw)

I liked this person, but not enough to endure playdates with her ds. You do have to look out for your own child first, and mine didn't want to be hit/ slaped/ kicked/ have their toys taken away. It was awkward when she (the mum) got all upset and flustered, noone quite knew what to say.

I would say all my dc are "spirited"- who would want to describe their child as lacklustre?? I'm not convinced putting labels, of any sort, on children is productive. Your link could describe all 3 of mine, although they are all very very different!

Some mummy-friendships are, in honesty, friendships of convenience, in the nicest possible way. I keep in touch with just a few of the mums I met when the dc were little, the ones who I relate to well as individuals, and we usually now prefer to meet up without the dc. Don't worry about this friend- let it go for now. You will make many more friendships as your dd gets older, and not all will stick. Your old friends will be there too, when you emerge from the "mummy years"! Hang on in there

Noqontrol that is the best snide I've ever seen on here. I have been razed. Ouch!

I know when to quit, and I can see that this thread is soon going to go circular.

And I think Jooly has just posted the most sensible post on the entire thread.
Goodnight x

Lol pic, I'll lend you a plaster. Night night

What a bitchy thread .
Becca thanks for your input but I do know that my DD is not aggressive!
I was within my right to state that spirited children are not neccessarily aggressive.

And for those who are getting their knickers in a twist about the use of the word ' spirited ' - for me my DD is not placid - she is the opposite , which makes her spirited .
The book Raising Your Spirited Child offers explanations and a problem solving approach to parents of those children who are more energetic , sensitive , emotional etc ...

Also as a psychiatric nurse, who has worked in a psychiatric unit for children aged between 5-10 , I can most definitely say that a child with a spirited personality is not a child that is a few feet away from a diagnosis of ASD.
I'm off to go and check if it's a full moon as this thread is very pouncey ...

seems she likes you,but finds your dd behaviors intolerable
sorry but she is or has dropped you, the polite signals are the non communication,not meeting being vague. the unsaid cue was probably all the aggro and sand chucking

tbh,I wouldn't keep meeting up with a mum if the child kept being hitty etc
sorry but I wouldn't take risk of upset dc and upset parents

A very sensible post by jooly.
I have a good friend-still a close friend today-but we didn't get the DCs together. I wasn't going to subject my DC to hours of company of a DC he didn't like. She is a close friend but the DSs haven't met since they were 6yrs old.
I should avoid reading books about 'spirited DCs' and just concentrate on producing a DC who knows how to get on with and think of others.

My dd1 has ADHD and can be very difficult to be around, so my post and views on this is not coming from a smug point of view at all.

Your child may be 'spirited' but nothing is an excuse for physically attacking other children. Sure, a lot of kids go through phases of doing this and they nearly all grow out of it. But, OP, you need to stop flapping around the edges of the problem and making excuses, in order to be effective AND in order to keep friends

Your posts are really defensive and evasive- I suspect that is why your friend has felt nable/ or that it is pointless to talk to youi directly

'spirited' and 'wilful' are softly softly words to describe and excuse a badly behaved child IMO

Hexagonal, they can be , but OP is wrong to put her DDs behaviour down to being ' spirited ' - My DD is spirited , but not badly behaved .
I would say that her DDs in the absence of OP wanting to use a negative word - are 'challenging' more than ' spirited'.
Sand throwing IMO is not acceptable.

Sorry , missed a word out -' op's daughters behaviours ' I meant to say .

Spirited child or not, I wouldn't hang about and let my child be repeatedly hit and have sand thrown at them.

I agree with you nannyplum on the true meaning of spirited, however in my experience some parents do use it to describe a rude, badly behaved child, I suppose it then excuses their lack of discipline, ie they can't discipline their child as they are so 'spirited' or so 'wilful'

I know a woman who has 3 DCs; they are 12, 9, and 6, and they are all incredibly rude, bad mannered and wild children. She never says 'no' to them or reprimands them at all. She might occasionally say 'Stop being a sausage!' or some other half hearted very mild statement but other than that nothing. She will happily sit at someone else's house drinking tea whilst her DCs scribble on walls, beat up the hostess' children and break things. She describes her children as 'very spirited and wilful', in a tone that suggests they are a real delight! I can't think of a single other parent at the school that will have these children in their home these days as they have played up at every house they've been to!

I meant to add, I prefer the good-old fashioned term of 'naughty' to describe a child that misbehaves a lot. Oh and 'spoilt' too seems to describe a heck of a lot of children these days

I love my bf and we have known each other since childhood; 'but not enough to endure playdates with her' children. As she does not want to meet with the DC we are currently at an impasse.

Both DC are a handful and she does not discipline them imho. I have had enough of her youngest (4) destroying my house and biting my DS (5). Her child is having problems in school hitting and biting; DF doesn't want school to 'break her DD's spirit'.

I find it very hard to be in friends with somebody with such a very different parenting style and expectations of behaviour. We have been able to have a frank discussion about this but are unable to agree. My DS is spirited but not challenging. Like all DC, he is occasionally naughty, however he knows there will always be consequences. I am not, as my friend thinks, lucky.

In this case the friendship was a year old and has run it's course. It is a shame OP's friend was not open to discussing this issue.

I do not expect to be friends with the parents of children my DS plays with. It is nice to get along; it would be even better to choose my DS's friends.

hexagonal OMG !
There is nothing so strange as people !

I understand you're upset OP but there's no way I'd allow my DC to be treated so badly by another child. You can dress it up as your DD being spirited all you like but this lady wants to protect her DD and stop her getting bullied. Surely as a mum yourself you can understand that?

My half brother and sister were incredibly rude and "spirited" growing up. My dad hardly ever told them off. Except when it was him who was headbutted or spat at My stepmum wasn't much better. Mind you that isn't half as annoying as one woman I know who blames one of her childrens' unruly behaviour on his starsign I thought I'd misheard her when she told me the reason her son was a potsmoking, school skiving troublemaker is because he's a capricorn. Umm, ok.....

Really? My twins are Capricorns. My dp is a Capricorn. How odd.

Really. She's full of fucking bullshit. He was ofcourse a "lively and spirited child" too

This isn't a dig at you btw OP. Some children have trouble communicating (I was one of those) and lash out in frustration. Doesn't mean your friend was out of order though.She must just want to protect her daughter, who may well have told her mum she didn't like playing with your DD due to being hit and screamed at. Maybe she doesn't want to socialise with you without the children out of embarrassment because, well, how do you tell a friend that while you like them, you don't like their child? Awkward....

And sorry for sounding blunt in my previous post. I looked at what I wrote just now and it wasn't as diplomatic as it could have been.