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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been more annoyed at DP than the couple ripping the piss out of us?

195 replies

GNationalSucks · 14/04/2012 18:43

This issue spreads throughtout the entire day so bear with me please.

DP and I had been very busy all day and hadn't had time to eat. We were driving past a McDonalds and I asked him if he fancied grabbing a burger. He agreed. We go through the drive-thru and I ask for a big mac meal and DP says he wants a chicken sandwich meal which costs £2.19. I order both and DP says "I'll sort out what I owe you when we get back to your house". I was like " Hmm don't worry about it, I'm buying". He didn't respond which I thought was rather rude but anyway!!

Later in the day we're in Asda and I have a conveyor belt of stuff heading to the cashier. DP puts a few things on the end of it, hands me a £5 note and says "that's for the stuff, you owe me 50p". Shock I laugh assuming he's joking, turns out he isn't - I look at the stuff he's got and it can't cost more than £3 so I ask "why 50p?? that stuff doesn't come to £4.50" and he says "no, its to cover my side of the Mcdonalds earlier." At this point I see the couple in front of us catch each other's eyes and smirk without saying a word. It's obvious they were laughing at us.

I said "I bought the lunch, I told you at the time" so he says "oh did you?? oh right!! cool, well you owe me more than 50p then! (Shock) here let me work this out ... " the cashier then smirks and the man in front shakes his head. All 3 of them are ripping the piss out of us. I snap "Just sort it out later for gods sake".

We had a row about it when we got back to the car. I feel he showed us up and he does this a lot. When we got out for "2 meals for £10" things he'll try and work out exactly how much I need to contribute in front of the waitress. He's done it on buses, pubs, everything. One time we were in a bar and I'd bought the last round. We went to the bar and looked expectantly at him and he said quite aggressively "oh no! it's YOUR round!". que - a group of blokes start laughing at him. I calmly point out "err no, it isn't" to which he replies "Of course it is!!" when he realises his mistake he points out that as I drank a coke on my last round I should make up the difference or some shite that I didn't fully understand at the time.

Anyway, past issues aside, was I being unreasonable to be more annoyed at him making a laughing stock of us in asda than be annoyed at the people laughing?

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 15/04/2012 08:20

If they can't agree on paying for a McDonalds I don't see what going for an expensive meal would prove.

Flightty · 15/04/2012 08:32

Oh this is really sad.

I feel for you and yes of course it's dreadfully embarrassing. But I also feel for him. I have learned socially never to do the sort of stuff he does. But I still do it in my head Blush well sometimes anyway.

It's having AS I think, maybe he has an element of that? But I would rather pay over the odds than mention it to anyone.

It sounds like he knows how to suppress it the rest of the time which is good. He is kind to you. IF you were able to have a word with him, and say look, people are laughing at us, please please could you not do that in public? And just gently explain to him that it's rude, and not considered nice, and people won't like him for it - that might be all it takes.

If he still insists on showing you up everywhere then it's time to ditch him.

I know a lOVELY bloke who is really retentive about this sort of thing and I can see how it would come between him and most women. but he is still a sweetheart. He's just got a nagging need to control things in his head, and he can't put a lid on it. He would drive even me mad but I do understand him.

Flightty · 15/04/2012 08:35

What I'm trying to say is I don't think it's mean. I think it's obsessive. And if he realises people hate it, he will want to stop, at least in public. He's probably fearful on some level that if he doesn't work it all out, he'll end up losing all his money, or taking too much, or something, and that's no fun.

Maybe he grew up with a parent who made him behave like this somehow...he's clearly got an issue with money but if you gently help him try to resolve it and prove to him that things DO generally work out ok if you lighten up about it a bit, he might stop.

quickhide · 15/04/2012 08:43

I kind of agree with Flightty - rather than being mean it sounds like he is just a bit obsessive about keeping things fair- he was after all trying to give you money not trying to sneak things in to your shopping! Are his parents the same? Did he grow up without much money?

Nothing wrong with getting bargains at a car boot sale, and I really wouldn't care about other people 'laughing' at us for discussing buying jeans for 3 quid. I remember when I found a brand new Fat Face jumper in a charity shop for a fiver- I told everyone!

If he has other redeeming features you could try just gently explaining to him that you really don't want to quibble over a few pence. And it does sound like you do it too, after all back when DH and I were courting Grin I would never have quibbled about him owing me 7 quid for something. Perhaps if you start saying 'don't worry about it, it's fine' then he'll start doing it too.

It doesn't sound like you two are suited though!

OneHandFlapping · 15/04/2012 08:46

I think it is probably so deeply ingrained in him that he will never be comfortable with stopping. As Flightty said, he will probably still do it in his head, and there will be an undercurrent of building tension and resentment.

I would also worry that a man who is this controlling about money would end up being controlling about other things.

I had a boyfriend like this at one time, and I can't tell you the relief when I went out with someone else, and they just didn't care whether the money was divvied up correctly to the last farthing.

Flightty · 15/04/2012 08:50

I think if she's been with him for 9 months - well she sounds very fond of him. Some people just have slightly controlling or obsessive tendencies. And can be great providers and very loyal and faithful and indeed scrupulous about things such as fidelity, honesty and paying your tax on time etc etc.

Which I find all rather useful! It doesn't sound like he means any harm...I've known maliciously tight people and it's totally different. Like my wonderful ex who gave me a cereal bar for my birthday, after I'd spent a small fortune on his, less than two weeks previously.

That was unkind and really horrible. He just wanted to make me cry. This guy sounds like he just doesn't know how to let go, in the way that normal people do, and still be Ok...if you can't bear it then by all means let him go. You need to be comfortable with him on most levels.

I can think of a lot of people who would have ripped him to pieces for something like this, long ago. So OP isn't doing badly. Maybe it could work out.

rudeawakening · 15/04/2012 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lambzig · 15/04/2012 09:04

My ex husband (stinginess only started up after we got married) used to make me pay separately for tampons if I got them in the weekly shop which was paid out of our joint money. After all, he wasnt going to use them.

Greythorne · 15/04/2012 09:17

I actually disagree with those saying he is tight / stingy. He sounds like he had a very over-sensitive sense of 'fairness. He wants / needs the money side of things to be 'fair'.

I don't want to do the grab for the nearest mental illness routine, but, is it possible he has traits of OCD?

marathonrunner · 15/04/2012 10:50

I went out once for a meal, there was 3 couples and 2 singles. It came to just under £160. The two singles (me included) put in £20 cash. Two of the couples put in £40 cash. I then assumed that the last couple would put the last £40 on their card. Oh no, they just said "put the remaining amount on our card". It was about £38 something so it was only about the £2 less. However, it wasn't really the £2 that annoyed me. I just thought it was so cheeky that they didn't pay the same as everyone else and we didn't even leave a tip (albeit a small one). Plus the husband had drunk loads whereas I had only had coke so he had probably spend more than his share. Hate tightness.

ImperialBlether · 15/04/2012 11:49

I was talking to a bloke on a dating site for a while - I thought he seemed alright but soon the red flags appeared.

He was widowed. He would go to stay each Christmas with his deceased wife's family. (I started talking to him after Christmas, that's how that came up!) He complained that his grandmother in law used to give him a tin of sweets for Christmas and that it was a crap present. It seemed an odd thing to say - presumably she was retired and he wasn't exactly first on her Christmas list. So I asked what he bought her. Turned out he didn't buy them any gifts. He'd stay with them for a full week over Christmas and New Year and wouldn't take any gifts - either Christmas gifts or gifts for having him. He didn't buy any food or drink either - "They invited me." I asked about his wife and whether she'd been the one who bought the presents and he said no, that they'd decided to buy themselves something nice for Christmas each year and couldn't do that and buy for parents etc so just wished them a Happy Christmas instead. No kids, both working.

So I refused to meet him - he was so angry and said it was clear I was just after his money. (He wasn't actually working at that point - another red flag as he'd stopped working "to have a year off" - from what???) - so I don't know what money he was on about.

Deep breath...

LeQueen · 15/04/2012 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MagsAloof · 15/04/2012 13:22

I wouldnt go out with a man, or be friends with someone, who was this tight. he sounds like an utter knob.

curiositykitten · 15/04/2012 13:26

Wow, he sounds all kinds of special!

LeQueen · 15/04/2012 13:31

This reply has been deleted

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WorraLiberty · 15/04/2012 13:37

Was there a reason you didn't stay with him and marry his arse LeQueen?

Grin
forehead · 15/04/2012 13:44

Don't pursue this relationship.
I really can't stand stingy people. My father is one of the stingiest people i have ever met.His tightness actually contributed to the breakdown of my parent's marriage.
As i result i made sure that i married a very generous man.

Ephiny · 15/04/2012 13:44

I agree with LeQueen, this would bother me not just because of the money (though it would be very annoying and embarrassing to be holding people up in the supermarket queue to quibble over 50p!), but because of the kind of personality traits and attitudes towards you that are probably behind it.

Also, he couldn't even bring himself to say 'thank you' when you bought him lunch?

lolaflores · 15/04/2012 13:44

so many near misses above. frightening stories.

RedHelenB · 15/04/2012 13:47

Disagree with LeQueen- exh was generous re money but selfish in other ways. Fairs, fai - OP's partner isn't mean just obsessed with equality.

Coconutty · 15/04/2012 13:52

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puds11 · 15/04/2012 13:57

if he embarrases you and i a total knob about money, i'd dump him.
Me and my DP try to go halfers on things, but we don't divvy it up at the till, it's more of a 'i got this one, you get the next' kinda thing. I can't believe he makes you go halfers on condoms!

puds11 · 15/04/2012 13:57

*is a total knob

McHappyPants2012 · 15/04/2012 13:58

1/2 on condoms and stamps.

in a new relationship i can understand going 1/2 on meals out or paying your way..but paying 1/2 on a condom Biscuit

get out of this relationship.

RandomMess · 15/04/2012 14:13

If you seriously want to make a go of this relationship the only suggestion I can make is that you have an agreement that each evening you will write down what each of you spent and on what and then once a week you will sit together and work out who owes who what and tell him he is not to discuss who owes what in public ever again. It would be very interesting to see if that solved his issue of needing to go on about it.

However you also need to have a talk with him about how would he see finances working if you both lived together (would costs be shared on percentage income or a straight 50/50 split), how would he see finances working in a marriage. Also how would he see finances working if you had children...