to be enraged and disgusted by my (ex) friend's behaviour? And what should I do?

[OAM2009]

She blanked me. Again. In the gymnastics changing room in front of a mutual friend. And all our children. I said "Oh, hello" without thinking when I saw her, only for her to utterly ignore me.

Long story short - said stupid thing to friend ( if she (your child) had done that to me, I'd have slapped her! ) I know, too much, was only meant as a figure of speech, wasn't really planning to physically attack her child! Didn't realise she was very upset and offended (yes, again) so didn't apologise until some days later. She accepted my apology and has not spoken to or acknowledged me since.

This is the woman who took in DS1 at 2.30am, fed him breakfast and phoned the in-laws while I was in hospital having DS2. We've been friends since she moved in to our cul-de-sac 3+ years ago. And now we aren't. Small village, shared vehicle access, same playgroup, same library, same gymnastics. As I said, we were good friends.

Please can you tell me if one or both of us is BU? And which one? And what can I do? I DO NOT want to be the kind of person who can't even muster up basic civility but equally I don't want to continually be humiliated by this woman.

I remember your original post about this. To be honest i would have thought it would have blown over by now.
Maybe try popping over to her house, and asking her if there is any way to resolve this?

I wouldn't be 'enraged or disgusted'

It's a terrible shame that she won't/can't forgive you but sadly you might have to get used to that fact

If you had actually slapped her child that would be one thing but she sounds like she's gone totally over the top.

YANBU. Utterly ridiculous of her. It was a figure of speech, you apologised, should have been done and dusted. Very petty of her to cut you off like that.

If you still want to be friends I think you're going to have to try to speak to her about it again.

I cannot stand grown women behaving like that, drives me barmy!

I think only talking it out with her will help, but she doesn't seem to be ready to talk just yet.

That's totally her choice of course, and it may be that she'll never be ready for it, you saying that could have altered the way she thought about the kind of person you are and it's a switch that can't be flipped back on again.

If you were being unreasonable saying something you regretted and that you wouldn't normally have said, that'd make the rest of the human population also unreasonable, because everybody's done the same.

I would pin your hopes on time, maybe you'll unexpectedly bump in to each other at some point and she'll remember the good friends you've been?

Yanbu, massive overreaction.

IMO th only thin yo can do is keep being cheery and polite.

Either, it will blow over in time or it will really really wind her up.

It will help mutual friends to recognise that you are the reasonable one as well. This may In time lead to them making her see sense giving her a much needed kick up the arse

apologies for typos- wine and iPad bad combo!

Could saying you'd slap her DD be something that means more to her than just the word itself?

Maybe if her parents used the expression and it was something they went through with? That can sometimes carry over to when you're an adult.

She's being very childish -you apologised for the offense caused so that should be the end of it.

She doesn't seem to be accepting the apology though perceptionreality, she doesn't have to.

Well I think under the circumstances the OP has posted, it's bad form not to accept an apology when it's contrite and from a supposed good friend.

However, wrt what she can do about it, well there is nothing more she can do. Except try to move on with the realisation maybe she wasn't such a good friend after all?

She has accepted your apology, she just may be making the choice not to speak to someone who advocates hitting children and that is her right.

I think I agree with AgentZigZag.

You know, it really, really doesn't matter if the mn find in your favour or your (ex-) friend's. You seem to have alienated an erstwhile good friend, who is not willing, as yet, to resume a formerly close relationship.

The real point may not, actually be whether your behaviour in the initial incident was U or not, or whether her ongoing unwillingness to resume your friendship is U or not - it may be that to her it was just a step too far, and now she just doesn't want to go back to the way things were.

I'd step back. Going back in again, for a second round of explanation and "air-clearing" will almost certainly be counter-productive. At worst, it might turn into you lecturing her on why she has to let this go (mn say she is being U!!) and why she has to be your friend.

Yes, I know you think there is no way on this earth you would ever do anything as daft as that but funny things can happen in emotional conversations.

Smile, keep a distance, keep a door open, but leave it to time.

I don't advocate hitting children either. The OP said it was a figure of speech. Life's too short for this kind of thing don't you think?

I do agree that nobody is entitled to a relationship with anybody.

By the way, re-reading your post the thing you seem to have missed is that this woman isn't necessarily being unreasonable at all. She may not even be trying to humiliate you. She may just be trying to avoid a woman that she experiences as being "in her face" and foisting herself on her when she has decided she doesn't enjoy her company that much and is trying to politely disengage from her with as little trouble and confrontation as possible (given that they live in close proximity).

I'm not saying that the above is the case, and I'm not saying it to be mean. It's just that it really might be the case. In which instance, you are failing to take a (big, non-confrontational) hint.

ah its a shame! but clearly she holds a grudge...maybe park it, i know its hard when you are in close proximity....

be the better person, but avoid any contact ?

what RUHE said

This has obviously affected her so deeply that she can't bring herself to speak to you. You can't make her, but you can try to react differently by not allowing her behaviour to 'humiliate' you.

It's tough, because she was a good friend to you, but relationships evolve and you may have to accept that this one has run its course.

She doesn't sound as if she'd be receptive to more talking tbh, but personally I'd carry on with a brisk 'hello' without expecting a response.

So you said if she (your child) had done that to me, I'd have slapped her! and now you are enraged and disgusted that she decided not to acknowledge you apology or not.

Do you not think that sounds a little aggressive?

I agree with Agent in saying that what you said altered her view of you. You and many of posters here would see it as a figure of speech but that was not our child you were bandying about. Especially after all that she's done for you, you joking about slapping her child seems to be an insult.

I would have been taken aback if you said that you would slap my child, even in a joking way. Even after an apology, I am thinking she would think twice about trusting you with her child and maybe think you are flippant about children abuse.

I think it depends on the context of what and how you said you would slap her child, If im honest I may take similar stance as the "friend" if there was history of similar talk from you dressed up as a "figure of speach". I dont she is being unreasoanable or childish or anything other than making a choice to not enagae with you, that is her right and choice for any reason, The problem is that you see this as isolation and humiliation, that is probably not her motive. You can not force friendship or the time of day from people. It is probably time to put this behind you and manage the hurt by accepting this friendship over.

I'm not sure why you're disgusted with her behaviour? You said something that she didn't like for whatever reason, you apologised, she accepted it but doesn't particularly wish to pass the time of day with you. That's it. She has every right to choose to ignore you. The fact that you live in close vicinity is just one of those things.

I don't mean to be hurtful but maybe the friendship had sort of run its course anyway and your remark sealed the deal for her, so to speak.

Tbf, it would hurt me that someone who i would have thought of as a good friend and close to my child, could glibbly suggest slapping them, or that she could slap them, after i had put myself out to be there for her, when needed.

Being a good friend is a two way street and she may think that you are not the person she thought.