to be enraged and disgusted by my (ex) friend's behaviour? And what should I do?

[OAM2009]

She blanked me. Again. In the gymnastics changing room in front of a mutual friend. And all our children. I said "Oh, hello" without thinking when I saw her, only for her to utterly ignore me.

Long story short - said stupid thing to friend ( if she (your child) had done that to me, I'd have slapped her! ) I know, too much, was only meant as a figure of speech, wasn't really planning to physically attack her child! Didn't realise she was very upset and offended (yes, again) so didn't apologise until some days later. She accepted my apology and has not spoken to or acknowledged me since.

This is the woman who took in DS1 at 2.30am, fed him breakfast and phoned the in-laws while I was in hospital having DS2. We've been friends since she moved in to our cul-de-sac 3+ years ago. And now we aren't. Small village, shared vehicle access, same playgroup, same library, same gymnastics. As I said, we were good friends.

Please can you tell me if one or both of us is BU? And which one? And what can I do? I DO NOT want to be the kind of person who can't even muster up basic civility but equally I don't want to continually be humiliated by this woman.

MrsDeVere: "I avoid people with a long history of falling outs, not speakings, feudings etc. They are usually drama queens with a need for attention and 'trauma' in their lives."

I second this. This kind of person is far more trouble than the worth of it.

I dont mean people with difficult families who they avoid. (just to be clear)

I mean the ones that within a very short time you are up to speed with all the people that they dont talk to, have fought with, have been mortally offended by etc.
They usually want to be your best friend very quickly too.

I think some people never grow out of their early teens. The get stuck somehow.

I dont have time for them. Too much drama and I dont need it.

If I was your friend, I wouldn't blank you. But I would take a step back from the friendship. I know you weren't threatening to slap the child, but I cannot imagine any of my friends reacting so extremely. Especially as the only thing the child did was ask twice for something! You need to accept that this woman probably feels that your parenting styles are just too different for you to remain close.
I do sympathise with the foot in mouth problem, btw- I have too often found myself saying absolutely ridiculous things because I'm a bit nervous socially.

Agree MrsdeVere. I think on reading the original thread, the 'smacking' thing is a red herring. This woman just sounds like someone who likes to be right / the boss and didn't like it when her 'pupil' stood up and answered back.

Hi, just had my initial epistle disappear again so cross now. Don't think my languorous style is suited to forums!

To clarify:

When I made my comment, I was walking with my (ex) friend around the village at 8.30pm with all our children tucked up safely in bed.

I DO NOT condone violence towards children. I won?t lie or be a hypocrite ? I have smacked DS1 on his nappy-clad bottom. He hit me and really hurt me and I smacked his bum as I put him on the naughty step. I?m not planning to make a habit of it as I don?t think it works. Me and my brother were both smacked as children ? it made me obedient, it had absolutely no effect on him.

I was enraged and disgusted by my friend because she sat less than two feet away from me and a mutual friend in the gymnastics changing room. I automatically said ?oh, hello? without really thinking about it and in front of OUR FOUR CHILDREN, she just blanked me. This argument is between me and her, not our kids or our other friend. I don?t understand why she couldn?t just give a polite ?hello?, then ignore me. What an example to set. (altho DH has just agreed that she might be worried that I would assume a mutual hello means everything is ok. I promise not to do this.)

As for our friendship, I have thought for some time that things were not right. It was nearly 2 years ago that she took in DS1 overnight while I had DS2 and since then, I can think of more ways she has not helped me than ways she has. I personally think she is using this as an excuse to ditch me as if I have out-lived my social usefulness to her. She moved to the village after me but now she has established friends, I don?t think she really needs me anymore ? she has ?better? friends. We used to see each other several times a week but I barely see her now.

And finally an anecdote: I mentioned woman A to ex friend. Ex friend told me a story about how woman A had started a shouting match when some mothers got together at woman B?s house. Woman A then virtually stalked woman B with apologies and their close friendship fell apart. OK. Fairly new to area and didn?t know either woman but did think might not make much of an effort to get to know Woman A. Cut to this year when ex friend remarks off-handedly that it was probably woman B doing the shouting and stalking. Shame I?d made friends with Woman B and not Woman A, based on my ex-friend?s advice. Shame on me for listening to gossip and not being my own person and making my own decisions.

I think I?m better off without this person, I?m just disappointed that she is making ending our friendship so horrible. She could have let this remark go and just drifted away.

And once again, to everyone who has posted, even the ones who make me feel like a small piece of poo

You definitely are better off without her, you sound like a really lovely person and I bet there are loads of others that will be more than happy to be your friend :) Chalk it down to experience with this woman, keep being polite to her, and then sit back and watch and enjoy the future fireworks when she falls out with others

OAM I am in a similar situation to yours. I fell out with very good friends last year over their DC's behaviour (it was only posting on MN that gave me the courage to approach them). Anyway, i wont bore you with the details but despite my best efforts to couch it in a reasonable way they were mortally offended and have ignored ALL of us ever since. It is difficult because I don't actually regret what I said but I regret the fallout.

I understand absolutey what you mean about feeling "outraged", that is how I felt when said friends blatantly ignored DD (9) when she went up to chat to them in the playground to hand them a christmas card, literally turned away from her and walked off. I was SO upset as was DD.

I tried several times to talk to them about the situation but they refused saying "there is nothing to say". It has been very, very difficult especially since we live very close to them and have lots of friends in common. After 6 months one of the parents has finally begun acknowledging us with a nod but that is it. It's all very well people saying "she has every right not to speak to you" but to actually blank you and your DC when you live in close proximity is horrible. I really hope you can work out your differences but i am sending you very sympathetic vibes and hugs in the meantime. x

and I agree, it is between you and her, NOT your DCs, so anyone who can ignore children like that is probably not worth being friends with. I think that has been the final nail in the coffin in my situation.

I remember your other post. She does not sound like much of a friend . Life's to short there are o many other lovely people out there, don't waste your time on her

Cherries that is so bad, ok you have issues with the parents, but adults treating a child like that and blanking her is unacceptable. I could never treat a child like that however the parents were like

I got blanked by someone because they were annoyed by someone else !

It is a bit of a joke to me so not on a par with your experience. But as I said earlier people like this generally have a bit of 'history' and my blanker definately has.

Our mutual friend moved away to live by the sea. This appeared to enraged the Blanker. She took it personally. I also think she was annoyed because she is a bit of a leech and sees herself as a femme whatist. She used to get mutual friend to do lots of stuff for her and had her eyes on her OH. She eventually got off with another friends OH but that is another story.

Anyway I didnt have any argument with the Blanker but she got into an argument with friend.

Next day I went to playgroup and Blanker sat opposite me for 2 hours without acknowledging me at all! This is someone I spoke to daily for two years. I had to admire her technique.
She hasnt spoken to me since. I see her every other day. Sometimes I am directly behind her as we do the school run.

Occassionally I quicken my step and walk next to her just to see what she will do.

She is a loon and I have no time for her but it is very weird being totally ignored by a former 'friend'.

I too have a 'blanker' in fact I had the pleasure of being blanked by her on the school run this morning.

Her reason for blanking me? Because our DDs fell out. Am I bovvered??

I just laugh to myself when she blanks me now; she does that thing that kids to where they turn their head swiftly to the side and put their nose in the air

It is hilarious innit?

Makes my day. She is so awful it tickles me to think she thinks I would care.

The things I could tell you about her. She is no better than she ought to be that one

Yep totally hilarious. It beggars belief really that grown women behave in such a way doesn't it? My blanker is late thirties but it seems that she's never left the school playground. What's funny too is blanker's friend won't speak to me now either, probably because she's scared of being on the wrong side of blanker.

I go to school to collect my DCs and it does make me laugh that she thinks I'm really going to care about her turning her head away from me each day.

I also get blanked by an alpha mum at school after our DD's fell out.
I like to give her a big cheery hello when I see her. It gives her something to cat's bum mouth about.

tbf, if I found out a "friend" had slated my child off like that, whilst I would accept the apology, they would no longer be on my close friends list.

Its one thing to think it but another to be whispering to a third party behind their back

Just my view - sorry

to the OP

your ex "friend" sounds a twat and a drama queen

and IMO you are better off without her

also agree with the posters who have said about avoiding people with history of fallings-out and dramatic not speaking to people, i have been burnt recently by someone like this.

you sound lovely, and a good friend. forget about her and try and make some new friends x

MissMogwi, I do the same to my blanker! And she too does the cat's bum mouth as she turns her head away. Her DD only started at the school in September whilst my DD has been going there for nearly 3 years, so obviously I know a lot more mums than she does, yet she took it upon herself when our DDs fell out to call round some of them to ask if their kids had had problems with DD too. They all replied 'No, never' and were quite shocked so told me about it. I think she is just a troublemaker really. To be honest it was more her DD being unkind when our DDs fell out and with a mother like that it's not hard to see why!

Gidds, the OP didn't 'slate' anyone. She made a lighthearted jokey comment that 99.9% of the population would laugh off.

It sounds like you have a reasonable strategy for working this out. I just thought I'd share an experience I have had recently. One of my friends made it really clear how much she disliked my daughter's behaviour and blamed me for it. She went as far to say she didn't know how she would turn out if I didn't get a grip. I was SO hurt. Mostly because I was living on my own at the time - OH working away, my DD had been very feisty but she had improved immeasurably and all the examples my friend was giving me were months old. I really felt I was doing all I could to sort DD's behaviour out (it was all aimed at me, general arsiness and disobedience). By the time we had this convo, she hadn't seen DD for months, DD had since started school and OH had moved back home and DD has been really well behaved ever since. It seemed so hurtful that my friend could see that I was struggling and never once offered to help, just kept a critical eye on what a crap parent I was. I was so incredibly hurt I felt like I'd been given a kicking. I was in floods of tears on the way home. I really struggled to look her in the eye for a long time, although I think I did manage to say hello when I saw her. I don't think she realises how or why it upset me so much. This is all happened the week before Christmas, and I am just at the stage where I can have a coffee with friend (but I never mention my DD!). So it could well be that your friend just needs a bit of time to behave more civilly.

LOL at hexagonal, we have a couple of these round my too. fucking TWATS

OP, just trim her, really, she is not a very nice person. you later posts back this up

DO NOT apologise ever ever again, just nod politlely, thats all

An update and an apology

My ex-friend confronted me on my drive this morning as I returned with DS2 from dropping DS1 off at playgroup. Apparently, Mumsnet is not as anonymous as I think it is, especially when you are as specific as I have been. She was able to quite easily work out who I am and was understandably angry and upset over the various comments I have made about her on the subject of my falling out with her. She was particularly and again understandably upset that I had made comments about her child.

I would like to apologise unreservedly for the way I have behaved and the horrible things I have said, both in person and online. I have never intended to hurt my ex-friend's feelings and I am extremely sorry that this has happened. Saying things about her child is particularly repellent of me and I wish I could take it back. I am ashamed and embarrassed about the way I have behaved.

After our initial confrontation, I went to her house and we had a civilized conversation. If only we had done that in the first place. Many of the things that have happened over the last few weeks have been misunderstood and misinterpreted. Many of my comments have been unfair and one-sided. We have agreed on the following steps:

A public apology here so that all the people who have read this thread can read it.
I have asked MNHQ (twice) to remove my comments about her child from the thread (altho this has not been done yet)
My ex-friend will decide when, how and if we ever resume our friendship. If she chooses not to speak to or engage with me, that is her right and I will respect that.
I will not be making any further comments on this thread or this subject.

Thank you once again for all your support. I hope that you are not too disappointed that it may have been misplaced.

Sorry OP - you may have been out of line about her child - but her treatment of you has been appalling - there has been no need for her to blank you the way she has and tbh - it sounds to me like she wants you to feel small and go for public humiliation.

I think you both owe each other an apology - and I hope she reads this.

And of course they have been one sided. it's your thread bout your feelings - not a two way conversation.

You known what they say about eavesdroppers.