to be enraged and disgusted by my (ex) friend's behaviour? And what should I do?

[OAM2009]

She blanked me. Again. In the gymnastics changing room in front of a mutual friend. And all our children. I said "Oh, hello" without thinking when I saw her, only for her to utterly ignore me.

Long story short - said stupid thing to friend ( if she (your child) had done that to me, I'd have slapped her! ) I know, too much, was only meant as a figure of speech, wasn't really planning to physically attack her child! Didn't realise she was very upset and offended (yes, again) so didn't apologise until some days later. She accepted my apology and has not spoken to or acknowledged me since.

This is the woman who took in DS1 at 2.30am, fed him breakfast and phoned the in-laws while I was in hospital having DS2. We've been friends since she moved in to our cul-de-sac 3+ years ago. And now we aren't. Small village, shared vehicle access, same playgroup, same library, same gymnastics. As I said, we were good friends.

Please can you tell me if one or both of us is BU? And which one? And what can I do? I DO NOT want to be the kind of person who can't even muster up basic civility but equally I don't want to continually be humiliated by this woman.

Surely, whether the 'slap' comment was just a figure of speech or not is almost certainly not the reason your friend ended the relationship?

It probably didnt help but I would have thought the context of you passing that remark is the real issue here.

What were you commenting about, what was it you would hvae (metaphorically) slapped her child for?

Had you shown a dislike for her daughter before the slapping comment?

Tbh, I wouldn't be friends with someone who said that about one of my children. IMO it comes across as agressive, like you have a huge dislike towards the child in question and also questions her parenting skills.

There is nothing you can do. She doesn't want to engage. 3+ years is not that long in friendship terms - I've got underwear older than that.

I remember your other thread too.

I don't think I'd be too pleased about a friend saying she would slap my son if she were in my place but I wouldn't behave as your ex friend is doing if you apologised.

If this is the first and only time you have said something like this, and you apologised sincerely for it then she's taking things too far IMO by blanking you constantly like this.

Do you think she is upset because she felt you 'threatened' her child in some way? I know you didn't but is that what she might think? Or because she took your comments as criticism of her and her child? I don't usually like to start second guessing in this way but if she was regularly slapped as a child she might be reacting to your comment from that perspective.

But I am speaking as someone who cannot forgive a family member for some terrible comments and awful behaviour. I can only suggest that you try once more with a sincere apology and an attempt to discuss the issue and then, if she really cannot bring herself to forgive you or try to get your friendship back on track, to just leave her be. The person I cannot forgive has hounded me, pushed and pushed and pushed until I felt at breaking point and they have made what was an uncomfortable but ultimately fixable situation into one from which we can never go back and which I know I can now never forgive them for. They made me ill and in every attempt they made to speak to me they managed to make it all about them, how they felt, how hurt they were, why I was the unreasonable one for daring to be upset in the first place etc.

So the only advice I can offer is to either let it go now, or make one more honest attempt to salvage the friendship. Don't try to justify what you meant other than to say it was just a figure of speech that you made without thinking and didn't even mean and that you are truly sorry your friendship has been affected so badly because of it.

She will either move on from this or she won't. But if you can stand the possibility of being rebuffed every time I would suggest remaining polite when you see her, if only for the sake of living in a small village with a similar circle of friends. If she's the one doing the sulking and you can manage a friendly smile or a good morning then if friends do feel forced to choose it won't be you that looks like the bad one. If their is a feud going on and people are worried that if they invite you both (or both your and her DC's) to a party etc then you will be fighting or sulking or causing an atmosphere then seeing you be polite even in the face of her rudeness will reassure them that it won't be you causing any trouble in the future.

I suppose the difficulty is that she's causing a scene by ignoring in front of others within the context of a village. I do agree that sometimes something can happen to make you see a former friend in a different light, and yes I probably would be taken aback by someone saying that about my dd. It's also possible the comment may have raised more issues for her than you know.

If she doesn't want to be friends any more then fine but dragging everyone else into it by being obviously rude? It's not how most adults behave is it?

but is being rude and causing a scene? I would say she is not, she is simply ignoring the op. This could be turned on its head and it could Op being accused as causing the scene by attempting to force a hello on this woman infront of others, I think the friend has made her position clear and Op needs to respect that now.

Maybe what made the decision worse was you didn't apologize immediately or qualify your words as soon as you saw her reaction.

I might be wrong but I remember you saying her going quiet and giving you a weird look. (I might be projecting, here). Didn't this signal to you that you put your foot in your mouth? You should have apologized right there and then or say....I wouldn't hit a child that's just a figure of speech.

She might have thought you didn't care about her child like she did yours.

anyone want to link to orig so i can cogitate. thanks

Everyone, thank you very much for the comments and advice .

Rightly or wrongly, I am still enraged and disgusted because I would never behave like that. I have never cut someone dead and I hope I never will. I can't get over the fact that we can go from attending X's birthday party in February to now we will never speak again. There are plenty of people I can't stand that I can muster up a hello for! I understand she doesn't want to be best friends anymore but we can't even say hello???

I think I am mostly enraged and disgusted with myself for destroying this friendship with my stupid mouth. I am an idiot. I tend to open mouth and insert foot occasionally all the time. I just hoped that after 3.5 years, there would be some understanding and forgiveness.

What kind of an example is this to set our kids? "I'm sorry, boys, I know you love playing with X but Mummy said a naughty thing and now we're never going to speak to them again."

As most people have wisely suggested, there is nothing I can do. I think I will continue to greet her politely when I see her as I will forget to be nasty. I don't think I even would be able to talk to her if I tried. Tbh, I don't really want to be friends anymore anyway but it is preying on my mind that this hostility exists in my life. There is 1 house between hers and mine so it is quite hard to avoid each other as we both come and go.

Thanks again, everyone, this one has turned into a bit of a rant so thanks if you stick with me

I've just read the original thread. The conversation started by her saying you would give your children an eating disorder. So she provoked you to begin with anyway.......!

Here, piratecat

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1440567-to-expect-forgiveness-for-my-bad-behaviour-bit-long/AllOnOnePage#30925048

I remember your earlier thread. Put it past you. She is an idiot. Yanbu.

can you link the original thread OP.

I really can't understand why she'd rather have this big ignoring thing going on rather than the far easier pleasant civility, but for whatever reason, your comment has gravely offended her.
I sympathise with you a lot. How awkward this must be for you.

Original post here (I hope!) - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1440567-to-expect-forgiveness-for-my-bad-behaviour-bit-long

Any chance you had said stuff before that irritated her and this was the last straw for her?

Personally, I would go over there one more time and apologise. Although it is just a figure of speech, it could really have hit a nerve with her. I think I would be really upset by it as well. Perhaps she wasn't really ready to forgive you back then.

If you don't want to apologise again, you could simply go over there and ask what you should do in future when you meet. Tell her you'd like to be amicable again, but that if she's not ready to be then you will have to accept that. But say how much you value her friendship and hope that you can start afresh.

Hope it all goes better.

she is

a) not a nice person
b) a drama queen

you are
a) better off without her
b) beating yourself over nothing

she is acting like a 5 year old, ignore her.

is this friend part of the nct friendship group? I must say although i feel for your situation after reading both threads my original advice still sticks. I would move on from this friendship. I do think you are unintentionaly pushing your friendship and need to be involved and part of the nct group to, I think some simple cross communication on that particular thread has lead to you over complicating the whole situstion and people may tire of this. If that is a similar case with this woman or if in fact she part of the nct friendship group, I feel pushing it will alienate you further. not to be too harsh but it is possible to push people away if you come across as in need of acceptance.

Original conversation is now several weeks ago and memory is not so good post children. Original post might be best to check out as written more at the time but situation was:

Evening exercise walk. Mentioned DS1 not eating fruit and vegs (again!) Friend offered comments on how her child has always been trained to try everything on her plate. And still does. We discussed how that would work for my DS as I really doubted it would. She made several references to her friend whose 11 year old won't eat any fruit or veg at all and has health problems. She implied if I didn't step up b4 he went to school, my DS would have eating disorders and health problems. To be fair, she didn't say "Bad Mother" but I felt it.

As we finished the subject, she gave an example of her child's behaviour. Her child came into the kitchen whilst she was cooking dinner and asked for chocolates. Friend says "No, I'm cooking dinner". 5 mins later, child is back with a bowl of Smarties asking if she can have them.

This is where I made my comment. I was feeling defensive and to me, this was unbelievable. Clearly, her child wasn't listening and repeatedly asking for choc, exactly the opposite of what she told me she'd trained her to do! And, also in my defence, I was thinking of DS2 who drives me mad by leg-hugging me and crying as I cook!

She looked shocked and I didn't think to apologise, I just tried to explain what I meant. We talked for another 10 mins or so, finished our walk and talked outside for a while b4 going in. I thought we parted on good terms, altho I knew I'd made a faux pas. I genuinely thought we'd sorted it / glossed over my idiocy!

2 days later, I saw her outside and went out to join her and another neighbour. We joined her, her child and the other neighbour's child going over the park. She kept walking ahead of me and barely spoke to me. I asked twice if she / everything was ok and she said yes. We came home and she has not spoken / waved / acknowledged my existence since.

I do know my comments don't make sense. DH has asked me to explain several times and still doesn't understand it. I don't know. I felt under attack and under pressure, stressed, worried, and a little bit annoyed that after some time lecturing me and making me feel worse not better, her example of good behaviour seemed the opposite to me. Perhaps I wanted to upset her.

I'm a tw*t. I just thought that someone who could put up with me this long got that.

I personally would not start a conversation where I was giving advice by saying 'you will give your child an eating disorder' If that is not rude then what is? She sounds like my mother actually. Starts by being rude / confrontational. When person bites, she becomes hugely offended and takes moral high ground.

No wonder you were on the defensive. I would say, now knowing the whole situation that you were certainly provoked.

I agree with namechange.

you are not a twat, she is being an idiot

a friend, forgives you, some one who treats you like this, is not a friend.

festi, thanks for your comments. Sadly, I think you might be right about me pushing too hard. I feel in a bit of a vicious circle, one destroyed friendship has made me question everything - am I a good friend, do I play well with others, etc etc, which then makes me nervous and tense when with people! I think you are also right about letting this friendship go...it's just hard to do when you invest in someone to just abandon it!

Some people (there was a thread about them just the other day, maybe last night?) need to have fawners, people fawning all over them not questioning them ever. And, once their fawners start questioning, they are dropped. This maintains their status in the centre of their world as the only one with any power.

See where you fit into this? Just forget her. You were a status thing to her, making her feel superior. You questioned her parenting, when she had placed herself as the Queen Mum. She doesn't like that.

Fuck her.