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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be enraged and disgusted by my (ex) friend's behaviour? And what should I do?

222 replies

OAM2009 · 13/04/2012 21:38

She blanked me. Again. In the gymnastics changing room in front of a mutual friend. And all our children. I said "Oh, hello" without thinking when I saw her, only for her to utterly ignore me.

Long story short - said stupid thing to friend (Blush if she (your child) had done that to me, I'd have slapped her! Blush) I know, too much, was only meant as a figure of speech, wasn't really planning to physically attack her child! Didn't realise she was very upset and offended (yes, Blush again) so didn't apologise until some days later. She accepted my apology and has not spoken to or acknowledged me since.

This is the woman who took in DS1 at 2.30am, fed him breakfast and phoned the in-laws while I was in hospital having DS2. We've been friends since she moved in to our cul-de-sac 3+ years ago. And now we aren't. Small village, shared vehicle access, same playgroup, same library, same gymnastics. As I said, we were good friends.

Please can you tell me if one or both of us is BU? And which one? And what can I do? I DO NOT want to be the kind of person who can't even muster up basic civility but equally I don't want to continually be humiliated by this woman.

OP posts:
MordecaiAndTheRigbys · 17/04/2012 00:56

Well perhaps the friend should give her side of the story. Or stop being a cunt .However the friend can't because she isn't on this thread so discussion over I guess. Hmm

doihavetonamechange · 17/04/2012 00:56

well you see this is mumsnet - and - people post - all sorts of stuff, most posters live in fear of being outed (unless they are very clever)

this woman being called a cunt, well no-one knows who she is in RL, so she has been very silly to let all this get to her.

I moan about DH sometimes, he is a lovely man, wonderful in fact, and I love him very much, I wouldnt want him to hear me moaning, because it would hurt his feelings, but just sometimes, he gets on my nerves.

If he decided to go snooping, well that would be his look out wouldnt it.

CheesyWellingtons · 17/04/2012 00:57

Oh. Have read OP's latest post now. Ex-friend does sound a bit fraught. Worried ex-friend may be standing with gun to OP's head while OP posts apology.

festi · 17/04/2012 00:57

said friend I do not believe would end with Baaa hownoo try harder.

mynewpassion · 17/04/2012 00:59

People do know this woman in RL. The OP and their circle of friends, who might be on MN.

If no one knew who she was, why would the OP come on here and apologize so publicly after slating her so publicly. She's also doing it for these other friends.

Hownoobrooncoo · 17/04/2012 01:03

And my neighbour used to tell people all kinds of weird shit about me, could just see her posting on Mn about me throwing dirt into her garden, neglecting my children, jumping in bushes at the park to avoid her etc, etc and the replies, 'oh what a vile cunt, what a cow - yada, yada'. But then maybe I was a cunt and did all those things... Bwahahahahaha! Only truth is...you'll never truly know.

festi · 17/04/2012 01:05

Confused why are you projecting on this thread?

MordecaiAndTheRigbys · 17/04/2012 01:09

Time to take a lie down in a dark room how HmmBiscuit

doihavetonamechange · 17/04/2012 01:10

Ive had people post enough crap about me, complete with photos actually, this was on a forum where I did know people personally, I just moved on and laughed at their sad little lives, especially as they were still at it (and nicely sending me links) years later, various people joined in the "harmless banter", I moved on from them too. Last thing I knew, it was 6 years down the line, I was married, with DCs, and guess what ............. :)

You will never know what is true and what isnt on the internet, especially on an anonymous forum, its easier to take each thread as it is posted, or lets face it, there would be practically no forums, because no one would post or respond in case the OP is a liar.

Reads to me like the OP is just desparate to be accepted into her local community, and so has publicly apologised, just like a good little bullied girl should do, toed the party line so to speak.

Hownoobrooncoo · 17/04/2012 01:15

I just think people seem to be too ready to believe one source and rip this other woman to shreds. Really don't think this thread is funny at all. I'm not saying the Op is lying or if any of this is real. But these could be real people with feelings, could you just imagine if the other woman has really done no wrong and is reading all this stuff?

doihavetonamechange · 17/04/2012 01:22

but how, thats the nature of the internet, best thing she can do it not read?? like I said, eavesdroppers and all that, this is one sided, because its the OPs thread, if the "friend" started her own thread, she would get lots of sympathy for her side (not linking of course, very frowned upon).

If I find something on here upsetting I hide it, lifes too short and all that!

festi · 17/04/2012 01:22

no one said it was funny!! some people have posted in support of OP some people have posted in support of ex friend, some people have posted then read other thread and changed opinion. it does not really matter either way Op has had good advice from both camps about how to make friendships easier, less stressfull and more amicable wether in support for op or not, she has accepted her wrong doing ad continues to beat herself up, this indicates that OP is need of some real emotioal support. most posters have been reasoned and took the perspective of both camps, but the reality is OP did not commit a mortal crime so the treatment she perseves is unjust ad this has struck a cord with many posters, is that really a big problem???

mynewpassion · 17/04/2012 01:27

I agree with doihave that she probably had to publicly apologize because she has to live among these people. She's not strong enough or have enough friends to not conform.

From OP's description of friend, I don't get the feeling that friend is a Queen Bee at all. Maybe between the two of them, the friend is Queen Bee but not among their circle of friends. It could be that enough of the mothers in RL know about the situation and have taken friend's side. There might be more than one blanker now for all we know.

That's one of the pitfalls of posting on a public forum. You have deal with the fallout once you get outed in RL.

tartanchatterbox · 17/04/2012 01:31

she obviously needs some cooling off period if she is still angry with you.
I personally cant understand the silent treatment. it is a punishment which should never have to be endured and I feel for you.
dont retaliate. remain polite and dont talk about her to others about her ignoring you. If you have to talk about her, just say that you miss her friendship and wish she would talk to you again. I am sure a well-meaning neighbour in a small village wont be able to resist helping you resolve things. If only to the point of common courtesy.

tartanchatterbox · 17/04/2012 01:36

lol I sound like a jane austen novel!

porcamiseria · 17/04/2012 11:15

shit!!!!!!

Oh dear

I still think friend sounds like a bit of a COW, but hey what do I know

NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!

TheEternalOptimist · 17/04/2012 11:36

oops.

I am not going to call the exfriend names, as obviously there are two sides to the story and we have only the OP's version.

However, I would say to both the OP and her friend - this is an anonymous website. The OP has not named either her friend or her daughter. I didn't see the deleted post about the daughter, so I may be wrong about them not being identifiable.

At the end of the day, too much has gone on for you both to be friends anymore. I don't think that either of you have behaved well, but the emotional blackmail by the ex-friend is really not pleasant.

manicbmc · 17/04/2012 11:50

My ex used to tell me what I could and couldn't post on the internet (anonymously). She sounds like an utter control freak to me. Who is she to tell you how you feel about a situation and what you can post on a public forum?

babyheave1662 · 17/04/2012 12:22

If her friend was actually a friend, then the apology would have been taken and accepted in private.

Thats what friend's do.

Not make people give public apologies on-line and then dangle their friendship like a golden turd to be won.

manicbmc · 17/04/2012 12:22

Oh yes, the golden turd of friendship Grin

IHeartMNHelen · 17/04/2012 12:25

I'm actually firmly on the side of the (ex)friend. the OP invited "advice" about her dc's feeding habits, then made a joke about slapping (and she admits that she was stinging already, so its entirely possible, given that she puts her foot in her mouth, that she said it sharply)

now, ex-friend has read a thread about it, where posters that she talks to herself, have been calling her allsorts of names. I imagine its like finding out friends have been slagging you off behind your back.

nasty, nasty, nasty.

babyheave1662 · 17/04/2012 12:43

Fair point IHeartMNHelen (have I mentioned that I love your name BTW) I'm just uncomfortable with public apologies like this.

Hownoobrooncoo · 17/04/2012 12:50

Did the friend make her appologise though or was it the Op who wanted to do it to make amends. People who have big mouths, say things like slapping people etc and put their foot in it often, don't usually come across as shrinking violets who can't stick up for themselves. How many threads is the Op going to start about this woman to slate her off on a public forum and invite others condemnation. You really are surprised that the other woman was miffed, wouldn't you be. Maybe the friend read the other threads and decided to keep clear of the Op to avoid any more threads being started about her.

couldimaybe · 17/04/2012 12:58

But they weren't friends were they - when this thread was started.

Based on how logic 90% of the threads on Mumsnet would disappear in a puff of smoke.

couldimaybe · 17/04/2012 13:00

And the fact is - posters she talks to - haven't been salvaging her off - because they have no does who she is do they.