to be enraged and disgusted by my (ex) friend's behaviour? And what should I do?

[OAM2009]

She blanked me. Again. In the gymnastics changing room in front of a mutual friend. And all our children. I said "Oh, hello" without thinking when I saw her, only for her to utterly ignore me.

Long story short - said stupid thing to friend ( if she (your child) had done that to me, I'd have slapped her! ) I know, too much, was only meant as a figure of speech, wasn't really planning to physically attack her child! Didn't realise she was very upset and offended (yes, again) so didn't apologise until some days later. She accepted my apology and has not spoken to or acknowledged me since.

This is the woman who took in DS1 at 2.30am, fed him breakfast and phoned the in-laws while I was in hospital having DS2. We've been friends since she moved in to our cul-de-sac 3+ years ago. And now we aren't. Small village, shared vehicle access, same playgroup, same library, same gymnastics. As I said, we were good friends.

Please can you tell me if one or both of us is BU? And which one? And what can I do? I DO NOT want to be the kind of person who can't even muster up basic civility but equally I don't want to continually be humiliated by this woman.

And please don't go chasing her. It won't help, will make her feel more indignant and justified, and will make you feel worse. Get on with your life and leave the door open for if she wants to return to you.

loopy is spot on

I think your friend is over-reacting. I remember your original thread, and I really don't think what you said was offensive at all.

I would just leave her to get on with it; when you see her, continue to say a bright and breezy hello and then saunter off. If she wants to sulk like a 5 year old then just let her do it. If you keep asking her what you've done wrong and trying to make amends then she is getting attention and getting you eating out of her hand

it is and I say that because I have a similar thing going on in my family right now, I had a falling out with my brother, I had enough of what i felt was bullying, I told him and went about it the wrong way, seeked forgivness all seemed ok between us on and off but the fact is it kept rearing its ugly head. My sister was frosty with me and the relationship between me and my sister has basically gone from a life time of friends, relying upon each other, so close. no now nothing. I spent to long over trying beating my self up and being jelouse of what they had. I plucked up the courage to talk to her about it and she basically said how I handled it was unforgivable because I called him a bully infront of his daughter. fair point it was not nice of me to do so, however it bacame a situation we either put behind us we could not move on. it came to a point where we could not move on. Now We are in a position where we where getting back on track untill untill my brother screamed and shouted at my 6 yr old calling her a fucking idiot in a very agressive manner outside the school gates with lots parents and kids about.

that must be ok inher eyes as she still does not talk to me yet continues with a close relationship with my brother, now if that is not unforgivable I dont know what is...but anyway to cut a long story short I understand it is difficult to move on but some times as hard as it, you need to stop questioning your self all the time, even if you where UR with her it does not make you a bad person and the whole time you keep trying to get a hello out of her will make you continue to question your self, wether you where right or wrong you do not need her to seal of merit on the situation.

thanks namey :)

I totally agree with Loopy that you shouldn't go chasing her however I don't know if I would want to let someone like that back in my life as a good friend as she got so offended at the drop of a hat. I don't want friends that are so touchy and sensitive.

I would be really struggling with my feelings towards you if you said you would slap my dd
Figure of speak, doesn't really wash. I can't even imagine any of my close friends ever saying something like this about my children. I wouldn't say it about someone's dog.

I don't agree that your friend is being unreasonable at all

And your most recent post, slating her dd, does you no favours either

namechanging, thank you - I wish I could sum things up so neatly. You might have noticed my terminal case of verbal diarrhoea!!!

Loopy - that also makes a lot of sense, I had noticed that she doesn't like to be questioned.

Right, DH upsetting me now, I'll go and slap him too.

I'm with Bejeezus on this one. I feel like your comment was out of order and very aggressive.
I also agree that it sounds like you don't like her dd at all. You've probably got good reason! I have a funny feeling that she has sensed this dislike simmering away and the slap comment was the final straw.

Look, I feel out with a friend when I was angry about her son being far too rough, repeatedly, with my DD. I was short tempered about it and upset her. I apologised, she accepted, but cut me out of her life for several months. Not ignoring, but certainly avoiding, not phoning etc. We went from seeing each other a few times a week to nothing for 4 months.
I had to respect that I'd obviously upset her very much. It made me go out and make new friends and make up for the gap in my life that she left. But by being pleasant around her, carrying my life on around her etc we finally became friends again. And it was worth it.
She admitted she had found me 'too much' sometimes. By backing off, we got a 'new improved' friendship back.
Give your friend time. She may be worth being friends with again.

OAM2009, I am probably a lot more wrinkly older than you, and life has taught me, friends come and go, they really do, many people are in our lives for a time, its a good time, then that friendship ends, mostly it drifts, but every now and then, we come across people who were never really our friends in the first place.

I have a few lifelong friends, but they are few and far between.

Oam
I think you sound nice. You recognise your faults and admit them. You don't come across as precious and judgemental. I'd much rather hang out with you than your friend who has dumped (?) you over something rather pathetic. She sounds ridiculous.

We all get hurt by comments that people (including friends) make, but no one is perfect. Everyone says things that they regret at some point.

Not sure what the solution is though, being such close neighbours.

IME mothers (and fathers) have a tendency to become total irrational divs when it comes to their kids, especially over any (perceived) slight.

I do think ignoring is totally off, she could at least be civil even if she doesn't want to be friends. Best thing is to rise above it.

If it really does make things awkward or she continues to humiliate you in front of mutual friends, one way of dealing with it is to be totally over friendly with her: "hello ex-friend, how are you today? Oh still not speaking to me then? Oh well, have a nice day anyway". This will humiliate her right back as you've just acknowledged her childish behaviour in front of everyone else. This is probably only reserved for desperate measures though - when all else has failed.

I like Geek's suggestion!

Again, to everyone who has taken the time to post here. I really do appreciate all your comments.

festi, I really am sorry to hear about your family situation. How awful, it must be really hurtful for you. Can I ask about your family order? I have an older sister and a younger brother and he can do no wrong in her eyes, whereas I couldn't give her a present without getting a telling-off! I found find it really hurtful but it just seems that she automatically gives him the benefit of the doubt as he is the "baby" and "has had a harder life than me" (!?) Could this be what's happening with you? Also, have you told your sister about the "F.. I.." comment to your daughter - does she know about it? Perhaps no-one has told her what he said so she still thinks you're the worst offender? Perhaps you could post with more details on this issue so people can offer some helpful advice? I hope the situation will eventually resolve itself!

bejeezus, thanks also for your comments. I think my friend has probably had the same reaction as you, which is why she's now an (ex) friend. Thank you also for saying about "slating" her DD - I genuinely didn't think of it as slating her. I had in my mind that I would just write what came into my head and I think this is the root of the problem. I need to THINK before I SPEAK (WRITE). I am trying to take this seriously and have been chewing over worrying about what you wrote since I read it on Sat night!

Hexagonal, hello again ! Thanks for your comments and also for your comments on my other threads. Appreciate your advice and will be following it (see later)

DSH very kind of you. Perhaps we should hang out, as you can see, I need all the friends I can get

1950s, also sorry to hear you had a falling out but glad it's sorted. I really hope I can follow your example, perhaps I can resume some better relationship too. I've been accused of being "too much" at times too...but then I always think better "too much" than "not enough"!

THE PLAN

Taking onboard as much helpful advice as I can, this is what I am going to do:

a) Avoid her where possible. This avoids any awkward situations in the first place.

b) If I see her, give a short, polite greeting, wave or "Hi", "Hello". I WILL not blank people nor sink to the level of people who do.

c) After greeting, try and naturally move away or engage in another conversation so that the awkwardness is minimised.

I hope this strategy gives her the space (lack of attention) she wants (deserves) and makes me feel in control, thus not allowing her to humiliate or embarrass me. Of course, if she just never wants to speak to me again, hopefully a minimal greeting won't be too offensive to her.

OK, again for all your help. Much appreciated xxx

I don't think she is trying ti humiliate or embarrass you. She just doesn't want to talk to you. It's on you, if you find that embarrassing

glad you've decided on a plan of action OAM. I think that in time she will probably want to be good friends again but if I was in your position I wouldn't give her that opportunity as if she's blanked you once for a seemingly petty reason, I'm certain she will do it again and again. She actually sounds like a girl that was in my year at school that was always in bad moods with one or other person, always sulking and not talking to someone then would move on to someone else and go back to talking to the original person. She was such a nightmare and by the end of school years most had cottoned on to what she was like and avoided her!

Blanking someone is a very childish way of dealing with a situation. It costs nothing to display basic good manners (especially in front of your child) and to acknowledge someone who says 'hello' to you, even if you then don't wish to take the conversation further

Perhaps she found what you said triggering?
Perhaps she doesn't like you and has found a reason to give you a wide berth?
I don't think she's being an idiot, there's no law that says she has to be your friend. Leave it alone, get a new focus.

I think she is being a bit of an idiot, perplexedpirate. Childish too, blanking someone who says hello to her and who hasn't actually said anything bad. The 'friend' seems very oversensitive.

OAM - that plan of action is brilliant.

She can go on being petty, but as long as you don't act the same way you will feel better about the situation. You've apologised, you realised you're not perfect (who is? I'm forever dropping clangers. Amazed I have any friends left!) so now you can just move on.

The difficult thing is the blanking, isn't it? I guess you might have to accept that the friendship is over (what does she want you to do? Grovel?) but how are you supposed to deal with being blanked? I would find that very difficult, because if she's ignoring you, then you have to ignore her too, which you probably find awkward as you don't want to stoop to her level. But then you can't carry on brightly saying "Hello" if she doesn't answer you back, can you?

i wouldn't be friend's with someone who joked about slapping my child. i might accept their apology as i would understand that they had realised they made a mistake but i couldn't be around you. and i certainly couldn't allow my children to be around you. imagine if they had heard you saying that about them and then i still chose to be friends with you? what message would that give to my children?

enraged and disgusted is what your friend must have been feeling. you should be feeling embarrased. nothing more. this is a natural consequance for your actions. she doesn't have to be friends with you so you have nothing to be enraged about. as for disgusted? i just dont understand that at all. there was nothing disgusting about her ignoring you.

IAMBooyhoo, you really sound ultra-sensitive. You'd seriously ditch a friend that joked about slapping your child? Honestly??!!

Sounds like this is how she deals with stuff.

I bet she has a whole raft of people she doesnt speak to anymore.

I avoid people with a long history of falling outs, not speakings, feudings etc. They are usually drama queens with a need for attention and 'trauma' in their lives.