to be enraged and disgusted by my (ex) friend's behaviour? And what should I do?

[OAM2009]

She blanked me. Again. In the gymnastics changing room in front of a mutual friend. And all our children. I said "Oh, hello" without thinking when I saw her, only for her to utterly ignore me.

Long story short - said stupid thing to friend ( if she (your child) had done that to me, I'd have slapped her! ) I know, too much, was only meant as a figure of speech, wasn't really planning to physically attack her child! Didn't realise she was very upset and offended (yes, again) so didn't apologise until some days later. She accepted my apology and has not spoken to or acknowledged me since.

This is the woman who took in DS1 at 2.30am, fed him breakfast and phoned the in-laws while I was in hospital having DS2. We've been friends since she moved in to our cul-de-sac 3+ years ago. And now we aren't. Small village, shared vehicle access, same playgroup, same library, same gymnastics. As I said, we were good friends.

Please can you tell me if one or both of us is BU? And which one? And what can I do? I DO NOT want to be the kind of person who can't even muster up basic civility but equally I don't want to continually be humiliated by this woman.

People just don't joke about slapping your child though do they hex???

I just can't imagine it. I would feel really repelled

Iam are you serious?

She didnt actually strike the child or even say she would in any meaningful way.

You would have a heartattack if you spent five minutes round my way.

And, I can't think of a single person I've fallen out with since I wad at school, 25 years ago

If someone said 'I am going to fucking batter your DC if he looks at me like that again' I would be concerned and I would take steps.

If they said 'blimey if my DC talked to me like that they would get a slap' i would think 'good for you but its not your DC so keep it to yourself' and that would be the end of it.

It's not like the child was in any danger of getting a slap, fgs.

She'll be falling out with everyone. I'd certainly fall out with her. She sounds like she has no manners.

maybe it is ultra sensitive. i grew up in a house were a threat of being slapped was usually followed through, aunts and uncles were permitted to slap when they felt it necessary. other adults would regularly say things like "give her a good hiding for that" and they'd laugh but i knew these people slapped and hit their own dcs so to me as a child these were real threats not jokes. i dont hit my children and i dont permit others to hit them. i wouldn't have my children thinking that i supported another person's opinion that my child should be slapped. and i wouldn't spend time with someone who thought it was an ok thing to joke about. tht's my personl opinion. most likely as a result of upbringing but none-the-less it is how i feel and i wont have my children having to spend time or be nice to someone who they are frightened of. it was nice for me as a child and i dont wish to put my children through that to save the feelings of an adult who doesn't know when to keep her opinions to her self regarding other people's children.

MrsDevere, I tend to avoid people like that too; like you say, they usually have a whole raft of people that have previously offended them that they don't talk to. It's quite comical really!

it wasn't nice for me as a child.

I get it IamB , how horrible to have those memories dragged up.

I can't imagine saying that to even a very good friend and wouldn't appreciate if they said it to me. We just don't talk about each others kids like that. Plus I don't tend to just mouth of willy nilly like some folk, when I say something I really mean it. I was also slapped quite often as a child, on the face, legs etc - i don't take that kind of talk lightly. My husband is the opposite and it has caused a lot of hurt and misunderstandings, especiallybat the start. I've had friends and sometimes it can take a while to realise what the other person is really like and that you are not particularly suited, maybe ther have been other occasions and we are only hearing one side. Don't beat yourself up though and I suppose keep being polite, maybe you were just meant to part ways as awkward and unpleasant as that can be.

thank you katie.

i know it might seem like quite a strong response but i feel violent language, especially in realtion to children is unacceptable. i dont think it should be ok to joke about slapping children. the people who used this language with me as a child are not nice adults (i know alot of them still as it was family), they are agressive people and think nothing of telling you they "will break your fucking jaw" for looking at them in a way they perceieve to be 'wrong'. one of these adults (one of the aunts who slapped me as a child) assaulted me last year and yes i have cut all contact. thankfully my children weren't present and they dont know what happened. i am aware that my experiences colour my view on this but dont we all use our experience to make decisions in life? my experience tells me that the people who joke about hitting children are usully happy enough to follow it through. the fact that my child would be frightened if that person is enough of a reason for me not to spend any more time around them.

I feel the same way about men joking about hitting women. It sends my anxiety levels up to 11. And if my stress is that high, we are never going to be friends any time soon....

Iam your reaction is understandable but we have no reason to belive that is why the friend reacted like that. It is a possibilty though. But if someone apologised to you and was genuinelly sorry would you continue to blank them?

FWIW threats of violence towards children were very common in my childhood. My parents didnt hit me (my mum had been hit as a child). But it was very, very common to be threatened by family and other adults.

I am in my mid 40s. I dont know if its a shared experience or peculiar to where I grew up (wc north london)?

exactly katie. not so long ago it was acceptable to joke like that about women in the same way people are saying it was ok to joke about slapping children. i do think in teh not so very future people will feel the same about it as they currently do about 'hitting women' jokes. currently it is still acceptable to hit children under the guise of discipline so the jokes are 'ok'. (to some, not all)

i wouldn't blank them. but i couldn't resume the friendship. it would be a passing 'hello'. not sure if i could smile with it though.

MrsDV I'm not saying that the OP is evil at all. What I'm saying is that sometimes seemingly throw-away comments can be like a knife in your stomach. Not the OP's fault, but could explain the ex-friend reaction?

i grew up in northern ireland. the area where i live doens't seem to have moved on at all in the last 25 yers WRT violence against children. it is still very much the way here to threaten and follow through with slapping and hitting. people thing i'm 'soft' for not smacking my children.

If anyone ever ever threatened to slap my child I would not be able to be in their company again.

My ex-BIL did so. Threatened to slap my DD - he said almost exactly what the OP did "If she was mine she would get a smack"

I never ever left my children alone with him ever and it's one of the very few lines in the sand I have with my ex. If I ever ever hear that my children are left with him or his wife I will be more than angry.

No one has the right to threaten my child. It wouldn't be acceptable to say to me "If you were my wife you would get a slap" It's not acceptable to be said to children either.

Oh dear.

How about writing her a little letter? Saying you really are sorry and hate the atmosphere etc...??? Not sure it would work but I think you need to give it one more shot at fixing this. I hate this sort of thing!

I remembered your original thread too. She sounds like a twat. From original thread I got the impression that she likes being a 'font of knowledge' for you and the fact you dared to disagree with her / pointed out her own child can be defiant probably gave her the hump. It's a shame she's being like this but she's a grown woman. A real friendship should be able to weather the ups and downs of relationships. If she wants to be a moron let her. Smile politely and otherwise ignore her. You might find that she is the one who ends up making overtures of friendship down the line.

Yep, my level of friendliness would be as Booy describes

Maybe, as they live so close, she just wants to make sure she is not being ambiguous in any way

I am of the same mindset (and by the sounds, background) as IAMBOO, as i said ealier up the thread.

I don't speak to certain people, because i don't agree with their thinking and to be polite to them, would be ok'ing how they think. The idea that everyone should be well mannered, at least, was the reason as to why certain behaviour DV/racism etc, continued, the wasn't the outward condemnation of that mindset.

The only difference in me, is that the comment would have been picked on straight away and once the children wasn't there, challenged.

Especially considering that the other woman put herself out for the OP, minding her child overnight etc.

The OP did not threaten the other woman's child. She said a throwaway remark which she deeply regrets but she categorically DID NOT threaten to slap her friend's child.

I don't like smacking either but I can honestly say if someone cut me dead for making a throwaway remark while cross I would be glad to see the back of them. Ditto someone who can't tell the difference between a casual remark and an actual threat to smack my child. In the context of the OP's remark what her friend objected to was having it pointed out that her DC was less than perfect. She could dish it out but she couldn't take it. Read the original thread if this isn't clear.

She said "if she (your child) had done that to me, I'd have slapped her!"

I would not allow myself to be around someone who said that to me.

If a man said "if she (your wife) had done that to me, I'd have slapped her!" it would be totally and utterly unacceptable.

Why is it acceptable because the person is a child?

Ok so these are two possibilities.

1.drama queen who likes a bit of strife in her life and this is a bit of a pattern.

1. OP's remark really struck an unpleasant chord due to personal reasons.

I would have thought that if it were no.2, a sincere apology and genuine explanation that it really was a slip up, would not result in such obvious blanking?

Wouldnt that be more likely if the woman was a no.1?

Because those of you who would be genuinely upset by the remark seem to be reasonable people.
This woman is acting as if the OP actually hit her child or was a serious threat to her.

I wouldnt joke about hitting someone's child btw. I do it with mine a lot but its very extreme and a family joke. It makes them laugh because they know it would never happen eg; if you do not behave I am going to hang you out of the window by your ankles.

But I realise to someone who had experienced abuse that would be horrifying. My children laugh at me. I wouldnt do it to a visiting child incase they had experienced violence or thought I might do it to them

How horrible would that be.