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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my MIL to be is being unreasonable!?!

190 replies

whogivesa1 · 10/04/2012 17:12

Me and DP have 2xDD's and have wanted to get married for the last few years. I have been married before and had the whole big white one which my parents paid for. My DP doesnt earn a great deal and I am a SAHM as the DD's are very young.

A few months ago and after much discussion and deliberation we decided to plan to 'go for it'. Given our limited resources, we have opted for a registery office with 2 best friends as witnesses and our DD's there. My parents have been great about it and very understanding and have even offered to pay for our outifts and donated money for a meal for us afterwards.

MIL to be has stopped speaking to us. She claims we are intentionally excluding her. We are excluding ALL family. She says its alright for my parents as theyve seen me get married before!

DP is really sad about it and feels let down by her. We are doing all we can given our financial constraints.

To compound matters she paid £xx,000 towards SIL wedding so should understand that we simply cannot afford to do it any other way.

What would you do?

OP posts:

Spuddybean · 10/04/2012 17:17

Sorry OP, but why can't she come to the registry office? I thought you paid for the service and had a room which could hold x amount. Why can't your parents and DP's come along to watch? I do think it's a bit mean tbh.

HandMadeTail · 10/04/2012 17:17

I think its a mean not to invite her to the registry office, actually, so long as she doesn't insist on more than that. Why shouldn't she see her DS get married?

I mean, if she insisted on you having a big white wedding, that you can't afford, that would be unreasonable. But just to be invited to the registry office? Doesn't seem a big ask.

only4tonight · 10/04/2012 17:17

As well as I love to bitch about mils I have to say I can se where she is coming from. Would it be that awful just to have both your parents attend? Other family I understand but parents should be different (having said that my mil chose not to attend ours and gave no excuses for the no show)

HandMadeTail · 10/04/2012 17:18

Oh, x post

Pandemoniaa · 10/04/2012 17:20

Is there any reason that you cannot invite both sets of parents to the registry office? It's not as if this is a secret ceremony is it? It seems unnecessarily unkind and rather as if you are trying to prove a point.

peugotgringo · 10/04/2012 17:20

I'd invite her, she wants to see her son get married, normal behaviour.

I don't actually see why you'd want to get married without either set of parents there tbh, you don't mention that you don't get on?

LoonyRationalist · 10/04/2012 17:20

Sorry I agree YABU. Why would it be such a big ask for your parents and pil to join you at the registry office And for a meal after. Tbh I'd forgo a new outfit to make this happen.

only4tonight · 10/04/2012 17:20

And all in agreement too. Quick print screen for the record!

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 17:23

Sorry but that is mean.

Surely there's nothing stopping you inviting her to come along and see her son get married?

eurochick · 10/04/2012 17:23

I'm all for getting married the way you want to, but it does seem rather unnecessary to exclude the parents this way. Sorry but I agree with the other posters that you are being rather unreasonable.

cwtch4967 · 10/04/2012 17:24

Another one here who thinks it strange to exclude parents. I think you are being unreasonable.

IKilledIgglePiggle · 10/04/2012 17:24

I agree with MIL, I would want to see my DSs get married, it's not like you are running off to get married and not telling people until after the fact a la moi.

gamerwidow · 10/04/2012 17:25

I agree with the others it is mean not to invite your parents.
I can understand wanting a small wedding but not to the extent of excluding your parents. It's not like it will cost anymore to let her share in her son's wedding day.

Chubfuddler · 10/04/2012 17:25

I'd be heartbroken if my children didn't want me at their weddings.

diddl · 10/04/2012 17:26

How sad for her not to see her son married-and for your parents.

I just couldn´t imagine not having parents there-unless I didn´t get on with them.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 10/04/2012 17:26

I tend to agree with everyone else, but make it very clear that it is parents only and that she is not therefore to start inviting great-aunty Mary and cousins who you have never met before.

Speaking from experience......

MrsCampbellBlack · 10/04/2012 17:28

I do think if you choose to do stuff like stop parents attending your wedding - well come on - you must realise that they may feel ever so slightly hurt.

Lordy I would especially if I knew friends had been invited.

But obviously its your day and your decision but you are being unreasonable to not realise she may be upset by this.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 10/04/2012 17:28

When we got married we went to the registry office with 20 odd of our closest friends. No family other than my sis who is part of our friendship group. The reason we excluded our parents was that DH's parents are divorced (years ago) and at each others throats still, and my parents were recently divorced and at each others throats still. So we said to them all, no, not on our day, we want to enjoy ourselves thanks not be filled with anxiety and refereing between them all.

We had a fantastic time and so did our friends :) MIL had her arse in her hands over it, her own look out tbh :)

Longtalljosie · 10/04/2012 17:29

For God's sake. Let the poor woman see her son get married

TheProvincialLady · 10/04/2012 17:29

I don't see how you can expect her to be pleased that you have decided to exclude her from your wedding. I am quite surprised that your parents are happy to pay for outfits etc when they are not invited - I wouldn't. Unless my parents and in laws were total bastards I would spend the money on letting them attend the wedding and meal after rather than outfits. TBH it seems rather shallow.

CupOfBrownJoy · 10/04/2012 17:30

Oh she must be so disappointed.

DP and I really wanted to just elope with a couple of friends, but there's no way I could take the experience from either MIL or DM (or about 20 close friends and relatives!) of seeing us get married.

Would it be the end of the world to invite them to the registry and have a pub lunch afterwards, even if everyone paid for their own meals?

MIL has brought up your DP, worried over him, loved him and given him everything, presumably. You are denying her one of the happiest/proudest moments of her life....

YABU

BabyDubsEverywhere · 10/04/2012 17:30

What are your reasons for not inviting them OP?

halcyondays · 10/04/2012 17:32

Yabu. Excluding your parents from your wedding is very odd, I'd be very hurt and upset if my dds were to do this. It won't cost any more to invite both sets of parents so how can that be a reason?

skybluepearl · 10/04/2012 17:32

we did it your way and it was just how we wanted it - intimate, non fussy and meaningful. we only told everyone after though to save discussions. we did however have a small family/friends BBQ celebration week later. already both sets of parents had attended tons of our sibling weddings and so we felt OK about it. i think you should just do what you are comfortable with even if that means not inviting both sets of parents. I do see her point to some extent but nobody can demand to attand a wedding surely?

IKilledIgglePiggle · 10/04/2012 17:32

What would you do if one of your DDs did it to you OP.

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