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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my MIL to be is being unreasonable!?!

190 replies

whogivesa1 · 10/04/2012 17:12

Me and DP have 2xDD's and have wanted to get married for the last few years. I have been married before and had the whole big white one which my parents paid for. My DP doesnt earn a great deal and I am a SAHM as the DD's are very young.

A few months ago and after much discussion and deliberation we decided to plan to 'go for it'. Given our limited resources, we have opted for a registery office with 2 best friends as witnesses and our DD's there. My parents have been great about it and very understanding and have even offered to pay for our outifts and donated money for a meal for us afterwards.

MIL to be has stopped speaking to us. She claims we are intentionally excluding her. We are excluding ALL family. She says its alright for my parents as theyve seen me get married before!

DP is really sad about it and feels let down by her. We are doing all we can given our financial constraints.

To compound matters she paid £xx,000 towards SIL wedding so should understand that we simply cannot afford to do it any other way.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Shutupanddrive · 10/04/2012 18:15

Yes yabvu!! It's not all about you, have you asked if DP wants his parents there? Shock

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/04/2012 18:16

That's twice today I've been on the side of the MIL on AIBU! That almost never happens! Grin

As much as adults have the right to get married how they want with whatever guests they want, I'd be heartbroken if either of my ds's don't want me at their wedding.

Original poster
whogivesa1 · 10/04/2012 18:20

okay to clarify......

my parents are divorced and dont speak
his parents are divorced and dont speak....she would go mad if we invited his DP
she isnt even in the country at the time
and
she never asks to see our DD's and when a disaster meant we were homeless, we asked to be put up for one night....she said yes then at the last minute told us no as she had recieved a last minute invite to a party....

she is no MIL of the year!!!

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetie · 10/04/2012 18:20

YABVU-of course she wants to be at her own sons wedding.
My mil is awful but to deny a mother the right to see her child be married is wrong, sorry but it is!
Imagine when your dcs are grown & they didn't invite you to their weddings, im sure you would be upset wouldn't you?
Its not going to cost anymore money for her to come so i don't see why you are being like this tbh

LaurieFairyCake · 10/04/2012 18:21

You are not doing all you can given your financial constraints.

There will be room for about 30-50 people in the registry office - you don't have to feed them after.

Invite her to the registry office - from your OP you haven't given any reason you dislike her Confused

MardyArsedMidlander · 10/04/2012 18:22

But it won't actually cost anything if both sets of parents attend the ceremony, will it? Confused

I am about as anti-getting married as one can be- and I think this is both rude and mean. If you don't want to be part of your DP's family- then don't marry him!

hathorinareddress · 10/04/2012 18:23

YABVU

Like everyone else I don't see why you can't have both sets of parents (even if its 2 sets of divorced parents so 8 instead of 4) in the registry office.

Flisspaps · 10/04/2012 18:23

I think YANBU.

thegreylady · 10/04/2012 18:24

Just ask all four to the ceremony. I'd have been gutted not to be asked to one of dc's weddings.

seeker · 10/04/2012 18:24

But you said it was for financial reasons, not because you don't like her.

2shoes · 10/04/2012 18:26

wow drip drip.
still think ybu

halcyondays · 10/04/2012 18:27

Why didn't you tell us all this in your first post?

only4tonight · 10/04/2012 18:28

I am with seeker. Your op said you were doing all you could with the financial situation and couldn't she see that. Now you turn round and say its because she is a hell bitch! If you want a reasoned answer you need to be upfront with the situation.

Debs75 · 10/04/2012 18:28

It is a bit mean as others said this is her son getting married, most mums would love to see their children get married and you don't have to provide food for them after.

If however as your 2nd post suggests you just don't like her then yabu

pumpkinsweetie · 10/04/2012 18:28

Sorry but even afta last thread yabu

pumpkinsweetie · 10/04/2012 18:29

Sorry i meant post

Eglu · 10/04/2012 18:29

If she can't be civil to her XH then she doesn't deserve to be there.

YANBU. It is your wedding. It does not have to be a family occasion.

I also agree with the comments that just unviting parents can end up forcing it into a bigger deal than you want.

Angelico · 10/04/2012 18:30

Agree with drip feeding comment. Gut instinct is that YABVVU she will (hopefully) only see her son get married once. She may not be MIL of the year but you are certainly not being DIL of year if you will forgive me for being so blunt!

only4tonight · 10/04/2012 18:31

Fwiw. You could give her the option - you can invite her and ALL parents and dps or none at all.

TidyDancer · 10/04/2012 18:31

Firstly, you need to make up your mind as to why you are excluding her (and yes, it is an exclusion by virtue of the fact that you have told her about the ceremony before it).

If it's because of money as you suggested in the OP, you know that's utter crap because it doesn't cost more to have more people at the ceremony. More likely you're seeing this as a way to take revenge on her for things you perceive as a wrong from the past, and that is childish and heartless.

You get around the non-speaking parents issue by telling them that you expect them not to cause conflict on the day. You don't do it by not inviting them at all.

I'm sorry OP, but YABmassivelyU and I feel really sorry for your MIL.

MardyArsedMidlander · 10/04/2012 18:31

So in fact- your MiL is right. You ARE excluding her and it's NOT about the money at all.

ratspeaker · 10/04/2012 18:33

Basically you shouldn't have said anything to her until the deed was done.
YANBU

especially if she's not been supportive up til now

btw it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if any of my DC didnt invite me to their weddings

jen127 · 10/04/2012 18:34

I think you are being unreasonable ! As much as she doesn't sound like MIl of the year I think she should still be there and equally FIL.
Would your parents readily have accepted this if they hadn't seen you get married before ? To be excluded and replaced by friends is VVU.
A wedding is a celebration of your love and commitment to each other and your DP is what what he is, good and bad from his family.
I know as a mum I would be so hurt and disappointed !
Drip away ......

DesperatelySeekingBunnies · 10/04/2012 18:36

While your latest post makes things from your POV more understandable, I can also see why your MIL is upset. I'd be gutted if either of my DCs didn't invite me to their wedding day.

ivykaty44 · 10/04/2012 18:37

legally you can't stop your MIL from coming to the Registry office - as it has to be open for anyone to attend a marriage