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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my MIL to be is being unreasonable!?!

190 replies

whogivesa1 · 10/04/2012 17:12

Me and DP have 2xDD's and have wanted to get married for the last few years. I have been married before and had the whole big white one which my parents paid for. My DP doesnt earn a great deal and I am a SAHM as the DD's are very young.

A few months ago and after much discussion and deliberation we decided to plan to 'go for it'. Given our limited resources, we have opted for a registery office with 2 best friends as witnesses and our DD's there. My parents have been great about it and very understanding and have even offered to pay for our outifts and donated money for a meal for us afterwards.

MIL to be has stopped speaking to us. She claims we are intentionally excluding her. We are excluding ALL family. She says its alright for my parents as theyve seen me get married before!

DP is really sad about it and feels let down by her. We are doing all we can given our financial constraints.

To compound matters she paid £xx,000 towards SIL wedding so should understand that we simply cannot afford to do it any other way.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 10/04/2012 20:19

You're being horribly, ridiculously unreasonable. Telling her she can't watch her son get married! Talk about starting off on the wrong foot Hmm

usualsuspect · 10/04/2012 20:20

Did we get a drip feed ?

Chubfuddler · 10/04/2012 20:27

Yep. Turns out the mil eats babies.

Bogeyface · 10/04/2012 20:31

Er Flogging she didnt make the decision alone! her DP was involved too, you know, her DP, the MILs son!

CremeEggThief · 10/04/2012 20:55

I am leaning towards YABU, I'm afraid.

I can't stand my DH's mother so much that I don't consider her as part of my family or use the MIL term. She is nothing to do with me.
She offered to pay for our wedding cake, then refused to pay up the day before DH had to collect it, because it cost £80 and she said she thought it would cost £50! She also said some very unkind things about my parents in the same conversation.

This is one of among many reasons I will never forgive her, but even in those circumstances, we didn't withdraw our invitation to our wedding and deprive her of seeing her son get married.

So, in your position, I would invite all parents to the registry office, make it clear everyone has to pay their own way if you go for a meal or drinks afterwards, and refuse to play peacemaker/referee among warring parents. DH's parents are divorced and not really on speaking terms, but it didn't even enter my head that some people may think it might be up to me to go around smoothing things over on my special day. Nope, invite 'em all and if they can't be civil, let 'em keep away from each other.

CremeEggsandHam · 10/04/2012 21:40

As a mum to two sons, I'd be gutted if they and their new bride didn't invite me to their wedding. I'd naturally want to see it.
Why can't you invite parents? It's only natural she's going to want to see her son get married.
I can understand you don't want family there, and it's up to you who to invite. Parents are different though. Make clear it's parents only and invite her. (Just so she doesn't get ideas about inviting Great Aunty Flo, the next door neighbours, her best friend's dad's long lost brother etc etc - as parents tend to do. speaks from experience of parents doing this Grin
So yes, YABU. Oh, and mean.

bringmesunshine2009 · 10/04/2012 22:02

Even if mil is total a hole, invite all parents. If they say no or can't be there or don't want to be civil, fuck em. But at least give them the option.

LatteLady · 10/04/2012 22:04

I read the OP and feel really sad... my best friend's sister lived with her partner for almost 20 years and when her mother retired, she moved from London up to Newcastle to help them with childcare. She totally changed her lifestyle but was delighted to be part of her grandsons' lives as they grew up.

Then one day the boys let it slip that their parents were getting married the next week in the registry office (they got married at lunch time and went back to work), she hid outside the registry office to watch them go in and come out... she never told them. She smiled and pretended to be thrilled when they told her what they had done... but they did not sit holding her hands as he sobbed about how sad it was to be outside when they wed, she did not ever let them know how grim that day had been for her. She did not get over it but never showed it to her daughter but I know that it had an impact on later decisions that she took.

I think yabu, frankly I would not bother with the wedding and just make sure your wills make the appropriate legal provision.

MrsBeakman · 10/04/2012 22:18

:(

AlbertoFrog · 10/04/2012 22:37

Your wedding, your choice .... but ... it's how you go about things that paves the way for future relationships.

My cousin didn't have his parents at his 3rd wedding. His brother and wife were witnesses and they all kept quiet until the deed was done.

My aunt was heartbroken to be 'left out' but would never admit to them how she feels as she loves him.

Why tell MIL to be in the first place?

Or did you want to rub her face in it?

MissFenella · 10/04/2012 22:39

I don't think you can stop her attending the ceremony, in law anyone can attend. That is why you publish the banns, its a public ceremony.

duckdodgers · 10/04/2012 22:58

Look if you dont like your MIL and dont want her at your wedding fair enough (although I wonder what your DH tb would say) but dont make excuses that you cant afford it. Hmm

ilikecandyandrunning · 10/04/2012 22:59

Before you say the op is U go to page 5 and see what the op wrote about her mil's behaviour and then you will say she is nbu

Op - lesson 1 - don't drip feed as people miss why yanbu!

seeker · 10/04/2012 23:02

She is still unreasonable, because she only raised the awfulness of her prospective mil after everyone had said her op was unreasonable. And even if she is ghastly- and I would put money on her not being as ghastly as all that, she should still be allowed to come to the wedding. That way the op keeps the moral high ground.

Salmotrutta · 10/04/2012 23:48

Exactly how awful is your future MIL OP? Honestly?

There are supposedly awful MIL and there are truly awful Mums/MIL - I read fuzzpig's post Sad.

If she was like that then I could understand you not wanting her there.

If she's merely a bit selfish/aggravating/control-freakish then you are BU.

Salmotrutta · 10/04/2012 23:54

And all that stuff about divorced parents etc?
Adults grin and bear it.

We had quite a few couples with ex's/second spouses etc (including DHs parents) at our DDs wedding. They were told that ex-spouses were invited and it was up to them to come or not.
We didn't brook any nonsense and the one person who did consider not attending if their ex-spouse was going to be there (and this couple had known our DD from babyhood) went ever so slightly down in my estimation.
Invite them all, tell them to behave, boot them out if they don't.

NarkedPuffin · 11/04/2012 00:06

Surely it's about what Whogivesa1's DH-to-be wants.

If he is ok with marrying without his mother there, that's what matters.

NarkedPuffin · 11/04/2012 00:10

Personally I would always invite the parents/ILs - obviously unless they were truly horrible/violent/neglectful/likely to disrupt the ceremony.

startthefansplease · 11/04/2012 00:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

FoxyRoxy · 11/04/2012 00:38

It's your wedding, so in theory you can do what you like. But souring relations with the ils before you've even signed the register isn't a really great idea. For the sake of keeping the peace can you not just invite both sets of parents and no other family? It's their one chance to see their son get married, after all. Although I think you'd be more inclined if mil had just said she was really gutted but it was your decision rather than not speaking to you. That wouldn't make me want to invite her as it would feel like emotional blackmail.

totallypearshaped · 11/04/2012 01:45

Elope in the quiet, tell no-one (bar witnesses, of course, as they have to be there) and then invite them for a celebratory lunch at some other time in your own place.

CurrySpice · 11/04/2012 05:39

Just out of interest OP, how did your fiancé's sister get around the issue of her parents being at her wedding? Did everyone behave themselves there?

timetoask · 11/04/2012 06:08

Surely you can include your in laws and parents in the registry? I'm with you MIL on this one.
Some threads on here are making me dread the day when I become a mil to be honest.

SodoffBaldrick · 11/04/2012 06:20

The reason your parents are OK with it is because they've already seen you have a shot at it. Your DH's parents haven't.

Sheesh, just be the bigger person. Seriously how difficult is it to continue to keep it very small, and just invite parents?

The alternative is to continue to make your little point and have the fall-out potentially discolour your relationship for some time. Worth it?

exoticfruits · 11/04/2012 07:18

Fast forward 20years and your DD tells you that she is getting married to someone who has already had the big wedding-he has been there, done it and got the Tshirt-and so have his parents!
He wants it differently this time with just a couple of friends. His parents are fine about it and therefore you are being totally unreasonable to want to be included.
You wouldn't mind OP? Hmm Really? Hand on heart, you really wouldn't mind?