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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my MIL to be is being unreasonable!?!

190 replies

whogivesa1 · 10/04/2012 17:12

Me and DP have 2xDD's and have wanted to get married for the last few years. I have been married before and had the whole big white one which my parents paid for. My DP doesnt earn a great deal and I am a SAHM as the DD's are very young.

A few months ago and after much discussion and deliberation we decided to plan to 'go for it'. Given our limited resources, we have opted for a registery office with 2 best friends as witnesses and our DD's there. My parents have been great about it and very understanding and have even offered to pay for our outifts and donated money for a meal for us afterwards.

MIL to be has stopped speaking to us. She claims we are intentionally excluding her. We are excluding ALL family. She says its alright for my parents as theyve seen me get married before!

DP is really sad about it and feels let down by her. We are doing all we can given our financial constraints.

To compound matters she paid £xx,000 towards SIL wedding so should understand that we simply cannot afford to do it any other way.

What would you do?

OP posts:
CupOfBrownJoy · 10/04/2012 17:32

"But obviously its your day"

Sorry MrsCampbellBlack I disagree with you. Your wedding day is for you, your friends and your family. I really dislike all this "my day my way" stuff which just looks like selfishness from where I'm standing.

bowerbird · 10/04/2012 17:32

It is SO refreshing to see a couple happy to just get married, in a modest way, without all the fuss and utterly unnecessary expense. It is the marriage, not the wedding, that is important.

However, I have to agree with other posters here and say YABU. Please reconsider. Have both your parents and your ILs there. Wear something lovely. Watch your family wipe tears from their eyes and then go for a celebratory meal somewhere not too expensive. It could be wonderful.

Or it could be something that's never forgiven. Personally, I would be devastated if I was not invited to my own child's wedding.

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 17:33

Why can't the two witnesses be your MIL and Mum instead?

toutpuissant · 10/04/2012 17:33

I think it depends on the MIL. We got married in a registry office, I wanted it very very small - just us two and two witnesses (my parents live overseas and it was too short notice for them to come, so this seemed fair). MIL invited both herself and SIL who I had only met once and did not like. 'D'H would not say anything. Then of course FIL and stepMIL had to come to keep it fair. There was nobody there that was 'mine'. I was pissed and felt quite outnumbered at my own wedding.

It could be that MIL and FIL are divorced and have new partners, so inviting one set of parents is actually inviting 4 people, if that's the case on both sides then it's 8 people, plus the DDs plus the original friends. It adds up very quickly.

Hebiegebies · 10/04/2012 17:33

Friends got married recently in the same ciircumstance as you, they had a bring and share meal back at their house afterwards with close family and friends. They invited 30 in total to the Registry office

ChasedByBees · 10/04/2012 17:34

Sorry I think YABU too.

halcyondays · 10/04/2012 17:35

I'm sure the friends would understand if you just had the parents there. Much harder for the parents to understand why friends are being invited but they Re being excluded.

treadonthecracks · 10/04/2012 17:35

It is your wedding, but I agree - how would you feel if your DD didn't want you at their wedding. I'd be heartbroken.

ledkr · 10/04/2012 17:36

I agree with the op.We wanted to do this and pils insisted on coming.This put pressure on us to dress up and provide entertainment afterwards when we were going to wear jeans and just go for a pint afterwards.

Our reasons for doing it were very personal and we couldnt afford a big wedding and once you invite one person then you end up with a load of people as we both have big and blended families.

I cant understand why everyone is so cats bum about it.There have been loads of threads about people wanting to just have the 2 of them at the wedding and everyone is really nice about it.
Lots of people do this nowadays the relatives just have to accept iots what they want and thats that.
I have 3 grown up sons and couldnt care less how they get married as long as they are happy.

BackforGood · 10/04/2012 17:36

I have to agree with everyone else. I'd be very upset to think that my ds (or dd for that matter) didn't want me at his wedding.
I can't see why you can't invite all parents to the registry office. I'm all for doing things the way you want to and absolutely for keeping to a budget, but can't you see how hurtful you are being, excluding her ?

MrsCampbellBlack · 10/04/2012 17:36

Well cup - there are 2 people making vows not whole families so it is 'their' day.

As I said - its not what I'd do but weddings do make people go a little crazy.

GinSlinger · 10/04/2012 17:37

I can't understand why they aren't invited to the ceremony

EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 10/04/2012 17:37

It depends on your MIL. If she's nice, then I'd invite her to the ceremony. If its already a problematic relationship and shed be difficult, then by all means don't.

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 17:38

I think the biggest slap in the face is that you'd rather invite 2 friends along.

Ragwort · 10/04/2012 17:39

I think its a shame you told her before - you should have got married quietly and then let her know Grin.

For my (second) wedding I didn't invite my parents but did have DH's parents - my parents joined us for lunch afterwards with one friend and one sibling Grin. My DPs aren't at all bothered about that sort of thing and were probably relieved. It does sound as though your FMIL is being totally over dramatic by stopping speaking to you because of this.

What would happen if you did decide to invite her ......... would she then start saying you must have DB/DSis/Aunty so and so/the neighbour that looked after the cat once etc etc etc.

As someone else said, why do weddings bring out the worst in people, its the marrriage that counts, not the wedding day. I would be delighted if my DS eloped somewhere Grin.

Chubfuddler · 10/04/2012 17:40

Why does the parents attending add to the cost? And why the dig about her paying xxxxx for sil wedding?

CurrySpice · 10/04/2012 17:40

I can't understand why the parents are excluded either Sad

I know that my mom would be heartbroken if I didn't want her at my wedding, if it were my 5th or my 1st

RosieBooBoo · 10/04/2012 17:41

YABU, that is just so mean. I would be totally gutted if my DC didn't want me there to see them married. OP, how would you feel if your DD's didn't want you there at their wedding?

CheerfulYank · 10/04/2012 17:42

I agree with everyone else. It doesn't have to be a big expensive day, but I'd say to invite both sets of parents.

ledkr · 10/04/2012 17:43

It is onbly for 2 people making the vows.Its traditional to have a get together and pay for people to eat whom you never see but its not compulsary.
Me and dh wanted to get married because we just wanted to be more than gf and bf not to make some grand statement or throw a party we couldnt afford.

I also ended up having to have my Mum and dp and then my dad and his dp then had to ask my grown up sons 2 of whom couldnt get out of work so couldnt come,it was very sad actually.

Pil also bought sil too which upset my sisters who couldnt come.The people who did come had a meal and most didnt pay as they assumed it was a reeception.
All things we wanted to avoid.
As a parent your children will somnetimes do things that you dont agree with but you have to respect their choices and not thrust yours onto them.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 10/04/2012 17:44

YABU. Invite your and your fiance's parents at least.

HappyMummyOfOne · 10/04/2012 17:44

I think its very mean. You've had your big white wedding already which your parents have seen but their DS has not had that. I presume you're happy showing your daughters that weddings dont include parents so wont be upset that you get no part or invite to theirs.

Theres no cost to inviting guests to the registry office, its not pay per guest so cost is irrelevant.

2shoeskickedtheeasterbunny · 10/04/2012 17:46

yabu and very selfish,
poor mum just wants to be at her sons wedding.

wannaBe · 10/04/2012 17:47

I don't get this notion of deliberately excluding people from a wedding unless you are blatantly on bad terms with them.

I get the idea of wanting a small do with just a few people and wantin to cut down on costs, I really do, but I think that deliberately excluding family while inviting friends makes a very specific statement. I'm not surprised MIL isn't speaking to you.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 10/04/2012 17:49

ledkr makes a very good point about how inviting family along, even in small numbers, could change what was meant to be a low-key, no fuss day into something stressful, which is presumably part of the appeal of a witnesses-only wedding!

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