Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my MIL to be is being unreasonable!?!

190 replies

whogivesa1 · 10/04/2012 17:12

Me and DP have 2xDD's and have wanted to get married for the last few years. I have been married before and had the whole big white one which my parents paid for. My DP doesnt earn a great deal and I am a SAHM as the DD's are very young.

A few months ago and after much discussion and deliberation we decided to plan to 'go for it'. Given our limited resources, we have opted for a registery office with 2 best friends as witnesses and our DD's there. My parents have been great about it and very understanding and have even offered to pay for our outifts and donated money for a meal for us afterwards.

MIL to be has stopped speaking to us. She claims we are intentionally excluding her. We are excluding ALL family. She says its alright for my parents as theyve seen me get married before!

DP is really sad about it and feels let down by her. We are doing all we can given our financial constraints.

To compound matters she paid £xx,000 towards SIL wedding so should understand that we simply cannot afford to do it any other way.

What would you do?

OP posts:
GinSlinger · 10/04/2012 18:37

I got soaked with those drips!

Kayano · 10/04/2012 18:37

Yabu and mean

What would
You feel if your dd excluded you from her wedding

EdlessAllenPoe · 10/04/2012 18:40

invite both sets of PIL to the registry, if she doesn't come then that's her own business.

what sis the SIL do at her wedding?

toomuchlaundry · 10/04/2012 18:45

my BIL and bride to be wanted to get married abroad with no family as there are 4 sets of divorced parents and they just didn't want the aggravation and stress that could cause. The mother of the bride created such a stink that they changed their plans and got married in the UK.

The mother of the bride then complained about every aspect of the wedding and then my MIL had huge row with BIL on the night before the wedding and on the wedding day, so much so that BIL and bride didn't speak to her for the rest of the day. It was one of the most stressful weddings I have been to and I felt so sorry for the bride and groom, I bet they wished they had stuck to their original plan.

When we got married (a few months after BIL) we couldn't have top table, as MIL and BIL (who was best man) couldn't stand being near each other and in fact we had to arrange tables in such a way that they couldn't see each other during the reception Hmm

There are times when it is best not to invite parents

bowerbird · 10/04/2012 18:57

Tidydancer hits the nail on the head.

This seems to be about getting back at MIL for past wrongs, not about costs. Also, with troublesome in-laws she's right - you instruct them (politely) and then expect them to behave.

Do you really want to start your married life together with such a lack of generosity? Where is the love?

Why not behave as kindly, as unselfishly and as beautifully as possible on this occasion?

Bogeyface · 10/04/2012 18:57

So she is pissed off that she is not invited to a wedding she cant go to anyway because of her not being in the country and not being able to be in the same room as her ex?

YANBU

LetsKateWin · 10/04/2012 18:58

I can see why she's upset. She want to go to her son's wedding. Would you be happy to be excluded from your daughter's wedding?

bowerbird · 10/04/2012 18:59

Sorry, TIDYdancer.

toutpuissant · 10/04/2012 19:00

If she is going to be out of the country at that time, is she also demanding that you change the date so she can attend?

bowerbird · 10/04/2012 19:00

sorry, oh, just forget it....

exoticfruits · 10/04/2012 19:07

YABU. It is so sad to exclude parents-at least yours have seen you married-his have not.
I think that you have to project forward-would you really not care if your DS excluded you?

TidyDancer · 10/04/2012 19:07

Hehe, you had it right first time, but don't worry, I answer to most things anyway. Grin

OurPlanetNeptune · 10/04/2012 19:17

Ok. We did what you are planning but we did not tell anyone but the witnesses. We did it for a large number of practical reasons. It was also to avoid family strife ruining our day. And yes, I'm not a big white wedding fan nor my husband, our idea of hell, in fact. I'm shy but also a bit selfish, and I don't get overly sentimental about these things. I have three boys and if they wish to get married and not invite me I will respect their wishes. I have family members who have done the same, and I say good on them.

When we told our parents, they were happy for us. If they were disappointed at not being invited they have never hinted at it. At the risk of outing myself my MIL wrote me a letter a week later and said some amazing things including this "a wedding is one day but your marriage will be for life and we will celebrate that everyday". Both our parents get it. We are lucky and they have been 'friends' of our marriage since.

I feel for you OP. And YANBU. I would say you were if your fiance wanted his mother present but as it seems he doesn't, do what you makes you both happy.

ledkr · 10/04/2012 19:21

The reason it adds to the cost when you have guests is that like it or not people do expect something to happen afterwards so you cant just get outside the reg office and say "bye then"

My reasons were big family,3 grown sons one of whom is a tad un conventional and pil are judgey so i couldnt be arsed with it all.

Can everyone also remember that op is marrying a GROWN MAN who can speak for himself so its he who is stopping his Mum seeing him get married ultimately not the op.

Are you all suggesting that parent s should be allowed to be at any special occasions they see fit such as the birth of children or the childrens first holiday etc etc.
As i said earlier sometimes you just have to let them make their own decisions.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/04/2012 19:28

I've changed my mind after the massive drip.

Much as I would be gutted if my children didn't want me at thir wedding, I would never not talk to their father or expect him not to be invited. Nor would I ever refuse my children a place to stay. She doesn't deserve to be there if she doesn't behave like a good mother.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 10/04/2012 19:31

Ah, well that's a different AIBU.

AIBU to not invite MIL because I don't want parents there - YABU.

AIBU to not invite MIL because she isn't very nice and is likely to cause a scene at my wedding - YANBU.

DPrince · 10/04/2012 19:32

The OP had the right not to invite her mil. Her mil has the right to be upset. The OP IBU in thinking mil is U. That's my opinion. The OP also can't make her mind up. First it was due to cost, then its because she is a cow and also because she is not here. I would imagine the mil knows it planned for when she is not here. Surprise she is hurt. The OP couldn't even admit here the reasons why at first, so chance are her mil is unaware of the problems 'she' has caused. OP its your wedding, do as you will. But you and your DP can't dictate how anyone should react to being excluded.

EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 10/04/2012 19:33

I wouldn't invite anyone who couldn't behave like an adult at the wedding.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/04/2012 19:38

What Neptune said. Yes, I would be upset if I were not invited to my child's wedding. BUT: I wouldn't stop speaking to them over it. I would express my disappointment but try very hard to see their point of view, because I love them and it's not all about me. That's parenting for you... isn't it? I think the fact that the OP's parents are prepared to be nice even though they are disappointed, while the MIL is huffing, suggests they would deserve to be invited, whereas she could not be trusted not to hijack the whole thing; but it would be wrong to invite one set of parents without the other, so none, in this case, is safer than both. She's already dictating who else wouldn't be allowed to be there (her ex) for example. Anyway, although she hasn't seen her son get married before, she has seen her daughter get married (a much posher do, by the sound of it) so she isn't completely deprived.

Let the OP and STBDH have their private day and keep the drama out of it, eh?

Sausagedog27 · 10/04/2012 19:43

I get why you don't want them there, your mistake is telling them before the event. For that yabu. You should have just done it in secret!

fuzzpig · 10/04/2012 19:44

DH's mother wasn't invited to our wedding.

But then, she spent his childhood beating the shit out of him (literally) and locking him in the cellar.

If your MIL is really that nasty, then fair enough, but I'm not sure why you didn't say that in the OP Hmm

mamij · 10/04/2012 19:48

YABU. How would you feel if you had a son and his to-be wife didn't want you at the wedding? As devastated as your MIL I expect.

ilikecandyandrunning · 10/04/2012 19:51

Why didn't you tell us in the op that she is a bit of a nasty mare? On that basis - especially if she thinks she has a right to voice an opinion on if his dad is there and the fact she wouldn't put you up when you were desperate then yanbu

Have your wedding your way and leave her to rant

Bobyan · 10/04/2012 19:56

It's your wedding, so do what you want. It's not upto anyone else and her past behaviour just makes your choices even more valid.
You could always invite her but tell her her Ex husband will be there too, I bet she wouldn't come!

Bogeyface · 10/04/2012 20:17

Boby, no but she would probably make the OP and her DPs lives even more of a hell than they are now! My ex MIL rang and rang and rang and wrote poisonous letters saying that we obviously didnt want her at the wedding because we had invited her ex husband and his wife! It was clearly our fault she wasnt going to be there, for inviting someone she refused to be in the same room as, not hers for behaving like a selfish bitch.

Trust me, the OP will come out as the bad guy whatever happens unless she totally dances to the MILs tune. And to avoid spending the next heaven knows how many years falling in with her, its best to draw a line in the sand now. The MIL will get over it but the OP and her DP will only have one wedding.