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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my MIL to be is being unreasonable!?!

190 replies

whogivesa1 · 10/04/2012 17:12

Me and DP have 2xDD's and have wanted to get married for the last few years. I have been married before and had the whole big white one which my parents paid for. My DP doesnt earn a great deal and I am a SAHM as the DD's are very young.

A few months ago and after much discussion and deliberation we decided to plan to 'go for it'. Given our limited resources, we have opted for a registery office with 2 best friends as witnesses and our DD's there. My parents have been great about it and very understanding and have even offered to pay for our outifts and donated money for a meal for us afterwards.

MIL to be has stopped speaking to us. She claims we are intentionally excluding her. We are excluding ALL family. She says its alright for my parents as theyve seen me get married before!

DP is really sad about it and feels let down by her. We are doing all we can given our financial constraints.

To compound matters she paid £xx,000 towards SIL wedding so should understand that we simply cannot afford to do it any other way.

What would you do?

OP posts:
ChronicToothAche · 10/04/2012 17:49

YABU

I had a very small wedding second time round but I wouldn't have dreamed of excluding MIL and FIL, especially as this was their son's first (and I hope only!) marriage and it was local.

I think it is the fact that your two best friends and your two DD have been invited - which does, IMO, make this very different from eloping/getting married abroad without them.

DPrince · 10/04/2012 17:49

I am not surpised she isn't happy. She only wants to see her sons wedding.

DPrince · 10/04/2012 17:49

I am not surprised she isn't happy. She only wants to see her sons wedding.

LindyHemming · 10/04/2012 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 10/04/2012 17:50

tbh, I don't even think it's about the wanting to be at the wedding/seeing the son get married. I think that when you deliberately exclude people in this way the message is very clear - "friends are important, you are not."

I can even see if you'd got married with no-one at all not even friends, but to invite friends and not family is just wrong imho.

Iirc family can't be witnesses so I do see why it has to be friends doing that particular task, but I still don't agree with excluding parents from the event itself.

Chubfuddler · 10/04/2012 17:51

If the op has enough balls to tell mil she can't come I'm sure she could cope with laying down the law about the nature of the celebration if she does come.

This will colour your relationship forever I'm afraid.

Imakemyselfsick · 10/04/2012 17:51

I went to a wedding last summer that was a total surprise to everyone, bride and grooms parents included. The couple had quietly got married the day before then threw a massive bash in the guise of a 40th.
The shock when the bride walked in in a wedding dress was unbelieveable - her mother will never forgive her and was so hurt by being excluded from the whole thing.
Were they right to do it their way? You can see it both ways but I am not sure the relationship will ever recover. Its one hell of a thing to do to your mother!

TheCunningStunt · 10/04/2012 17:52

Is this a reverse AIBU??

Chubfuddler · 10/04/2012 17:52

Of course family can be witnesses.

everlong · 10/04/2012 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 10/04/2012 17:56

I'm afraid I don't buy the 'It's your/his mother' and 'she deserves to see you get married' line. I don't feel that it's a parent's automatic right to expect to get to see their children married.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 10/04/2012 17:56

Do whatever you are happy with OP. But be sure you are happy with the consequences too. For us we knew that MIL would be a cow about it, but there would have been worse fall out all round if we'd had parents as non of them got on. So it was the lesser of two evil and worth it for us.

If we had of invited them it would have changed the dynamic. As it was it was just us and friends, very relaxed, went to the local all you can eat, everyone paid for themselves. All got baby sitters for the night and went down the town to celebrate. It was great. Smile

MrsBeakman · 10/04/2012 17:58

Let her come to the registry office poor woman.

GrumbleAndGrouse · 10/04/2012 18:00

I would hate for any of my dcs to change how they want to get married to accommodate me and my wishes.

I would dearly love to see them all married, if that is what they choose to do, but if they choose to have a wedding this way, that would be their choice and I would respect that.

Dp's dm has already stated she would never speak to her again if we didn't have a "big" wedding. Neither of us want a fuss or a big day, so we have put off doing it to avoid a huge row.

Dp did suggest a registry office and not actually tell her, but not sure we could pull it off!

TheCrackFox · 10/04/2012 18:00

YABU and a bit mean.

GrumbleAndGrouse · 10/04/2012 18:01

Her?

I meant us!

halcyondays · 10/04/2012 18:02

Of course parents will expect to be invited to their children's weddings, most parents really want to be there to see their children get married. It's not unreasonable if them to expect to be invited, given that about 99.9% of people will invite their parents unless they are estranged from them. If you are a loving parent on good terms with your dc, then it would be very hurtful to be told you couldn't come their wedding.

seeker · 10/04/2012 18:05

How does 4 extra people at the registry office add to the cost?

toutpuissant · 10/04/2012 18:05

May I ask all the people that are saying 'how would you feel not to go to your own DC's wedding' if they would stop talking to their DCs if their DC wanted to have a wedding like the OPs?

I just don't 'get' all the sentimentality over weddings. It's just one day! Thanks to the DH/MIL combo on our day, we don't celebrate our wedding anniversary because it is not a day that is remembered fondly.

catgirl1976 · 10/04/2012 18:05

Yup

YABU

No reason why she can't come - it won't put the cost up. Nothing wrong with a small wedding - its the marriage that counts after all - but I would be really hurt in her shoes. She isn't trying to push you in to a different wedding or anything you don't want - she just wants to go to the registry office and watch her son get married.

poorchurchmouse · 10/04/2012 18:08

YANBU (I can understand and sympathise with wanting a very low-key wedding with no-one there except witnesses), but you have to accept that you may have to live with the consequences for a long time, and if she throws a fit about this it's going to be hard for you and harder for your DP.

musicposy · 10/04/2012 18:08

Surely by law anyone can attend a marriage? I thought that had to be the case so people could object.

Personally I'd rather invite her than risk she turns up anyway, upset and in a huff. That would be far more disruptive.

I do have some sympathy with her. What's the harm in letting her come and watch? Imagine if this was your children in the future...

Sudaname · 10/04/2012 18:10

I cant really criticise you OP as I did a similiar thing myself - went off to a registry office with just two lots of friends. Reasons as follows - DH had said that if we invite family then we must invite just all immediate family (his two sons and partner of one of them and my dad basically) or it leads to Great Auntie Marys Great Nephew having to come aswell etc etc as someone already said. Unfortunately if you only invite immediate family and close friends then you are usurping cousins , nephews nieces etc etc in favour of friends so that goes down like a lead balloon with said relatives. So if we had just stuck to immediate family we thought it best not to invite any friends then no-one sees their arse because we could just say it was immediate family only. But that would have meant my DHs sons partner whom l cant stand would have been the only other female besides me at my wedding - but my best friend wouldnt have been there. Weddings eh !

Maybe OP has same problem - if she invites just both sets of parents and a couple of close friends then maybe there's an auntie or sister who will get the hump as they are family and not invited whilst friends are.

So you either roll over and die and invite the bloody lot - or you run off and grab a couple of witnesses off the street. The middle ground is a minefield

Chilenachica · 10/04/2012 18:14

Are you doing what I did, keep it small due to finances and end up inviting almost no-one so as not to be accused of favouring one side? If so, I think you should invite the parents of each partner and just have a slightly bigger guest list.

Or you could just get married and let people know afterwards. This will also cause a bit of upset, my sister did it and declared it be the [only] way to get married.

Astr0naut · 10/04/2012 18:14

YANBU.

We did the same thing. To be honest, I wouldn't have minded my mum being there, but our dads are very attention-seeking. Neither of us wanted the wedding to be their day; especially as they spent most of our childhoods in the pub.

We had two witnesses, a meal, then got plastered in bed (not with the witnesses) in a hotel.

Had a big party a month later that everyone could come to.

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