Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my MIL to be is being unreasonable!?!

190 replies

whogivesa1 · 10/04/2012 17:12

Me and DP have 2xDD's and have wanted to get married for the last few years. I have been married before and had the whole big white one which my parents paid for. My DP doesnt earn a great deal and I am a SAHM as the DD's are very young.

A few months ago and after much discussion and deliberation we decided to plan to 'go for it'. Given our limited resources, we have opted for a registery office with 2 best friends as witnesses and our DD's there. My parents have been great about it and very understanding and have even offered to pay for our outifts and donated money for a meal for us afterwards.

MIL to be has stopped speaking to us. She claims we are intentionally excluding her. We are excluding ALL family. She says its alright for my parents as theyve seen me get married before!

DP is really sad about it and feels let down by her. We are doing all we can given our financial constraints.

To compound matters she paid £xx,000 towards SIL wedding so should understand that we simply cannot afford to do it any other way.

What would you do?

OP posts:
iscream · 11/04/2012 08:38

Well, maybe just invite them all (parents and partners) and they can decide if they will come. Don't "not" invite anyones dp though, nobody is being forced to attend, they can decide if it is more important to see you marry, or more important not to see ex's dp.

You could even bake a wedding cake and have them go to your house, or perhaps your friend who is standing for you would have it at her home, for a an hour, for a champagne toast, then wedding cake and coffee?
After the parents leave, you could carry on with your plans to go out for a meal.

It's up to you, but I feel when you don't want anyone there, it is best to "elope" and tell everyone afterwards, it saves feelings being hurt.

exoticfruits · 11/04/2012 08:58

The plan would be much better if they just went off with DDs and got someone off the street to witness and they didn't have photos. I know 2 lots who did this and it was fine. The problem comes when you invite anyone-those not invited feel excluded.

elizaregina · 11/04/2012 17:33

I would dealry want to see my children get married.

We had a v tricky time with my PIL, as had previous history of clouding every possible occasion and even when they are behaved - its only when they and thier disapproving presence leave that the party starts.

I had alot of probs with them, but they do have a large garden so I suggested to DP at time, ask them if we can get married in thier garden, save money, DIY< lots of chefs and musicans in family....everyone chip in, be big family event. Who knew maybe it would be a catayslt for us all to get on?

Unsurpisingly the PIL didnt jump at chance to build bridges and help - we did specify we didnt want any money from them - just the use of garden BTW. As usual - they were too worried about thier house etc..so we just left it. We then decided ot have a v small DIY wedding on a small boat and then a festival.

We invited them and DP family, asking some of them to pay for thier own festival tickets. No one got back to us at all! The PIL after alot of pushing got back at the last min, and they came to the church. I had to put foot down over them on boat, as too small to accomodate them.

My consciounse was clear that MIL/FIL saw son get married, then I could enjoy the rest of the day without them. Looking back at wedding vid, sadly, the MIL ad SIL are twitching and fidgeting whole way through and clamped DD to thier knees. Looking back though, I wish we hadnt bothered to invite at all!

Basically I think if you dont have massive issues with MIL, let her see her son get married...if they arnt going to ruin your day....

If you think they will ruin it - dont invite or ask them to small bit.

DueinSeptember · 11/04/2012 18:07

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YANBU. We did it in a very similar way to what you're planning. To be honest we just wanted the legal side of the marriage etc and couldn't be bothered with the fuss of a big wedding. None of our family were upset, or if they were have hidden it well.

exoticfruits · 11/04/2012 18:51

I think it would be fine here if they did just that-but they have invited friends.

DueinSeptember · 11/04/2012 19:04

Oh, we had four friends attend as witnesses too. I found that our group of very close friends were quite self contained so it didn't lead to inviting another and another, which would have happened with family.

It was a fairly odd parental situation too. My dad had recently died so my mother was not up for a big fuss and would have hated to be the only non-coupled person there. If I'd have invited another family member along for company that would have started a sort of chain of family wanting to come.

To be honest if my daughter wanted to do the same in the future, I wouldn't care. I'd only want her to be happy and to be marrying the man she loves.

Jux · 11/04/2012 19:24

YABU.

She has a point. Your parents were at your wedding, but she won't be at her son's. Of course, he could get married again in the future and her next DIL might be nice enough to let her come.

You are to only being U, but unkind.

EldritchCleavage · 12/04/2012 13:07

YANBU. If the two sets of parents don't get on and will very ostentatiously stand there Not Getting On, it will cast a pall over the whole thing.

destroyedluggage · 12/04/2012 13:27

When we told our parents, they were happy for us. If they were disappointed at not being invited they have never hinted at it. At the risk of outing myself my MIL wrote me a letter a week later and said some amazing things including this "a wedding is one day but your marriage will be for life and we will celebrate that everyday". Both our parents get it. We are lucky and they have been 'friends' of our marriage since.

That's how we roll in my family too.

Neither of our parents love us any less for not having had a "wedding", just the paperwork signed on our own, back at work two hours later.

I can't decide if I'm gobsmacked or saddened by all these demands parents make on their grown children.

seeker · 12/04/2012 13:30

My nephew got married secretly recently. His parents have been overwhelmingly positive to in public too. But behind the scenes they are incredibly hurt and disappointed. Can't imagine how they could be anything else.

destroyedluggage · 12/04/2012 13:46

See, I can't imagine how they can be "hurt and disappointed." Surely the important thing is that their son is happy with the woman he loves? How can a parent think a wedding is even remotely on a par with that?

Maybe it's because my parents were both divorced when they met and married, but they have always known exactly what the difference was between a wedding and a happy relationship. They love my husband dearly, and the idea of them being disappointed and hurt about something as ridiculous as a wedding is just absurd.

I thought after a lifetime of raising children you learned not to sweat the small stuff and count your blessings where it really matters. Apparently not.

I didn't realise how exceptionally kind, considerate and wise people my parents were until I've read threads like this one, and the other one about childbirth. It makes me feel lucky and sad at the same time.

BackforGood · 12/04/2012 13:47

Surely, destroyed, you can see that being excluded from what should be one of the happiest days in your child's life, would be very hurtful, and make you feel very rejected ?

destroyedluggage · 12/04/2012 13:56

No, I can't, I honestly can't.

It wasn't the happiest day in my life (don't even get me started on that rubbish) and no-one was "excluded" from it. There was nothing to be excluded from, literally all we did was sign a piece of paper.

There's so much more to life than this shit but I'm not sure I can explain to somebody who doesn't want to understand.

seeker · 12/04/2012 14:12

I think not understanding how the parents would be secretly hurt and disappointed however delighted and supportive they were publicly shows a breathtaking lack of empathy.

destroyedluggage · 12/04/2012 14:15

Maybe you're right, seeker. I don't have much time for people who make everything about themselves. I don't usually encounter that kind of mentality in real life and it's quite an eye-opener to me to read how common it is (if this board is a representative sample, which I'm not sure it is.)

ASByatt · 12/04/2012 14:59

destroyed 'I don't have much time for people who make everything about themselves' - and yet you can't grasp an alternative opinion to your own without making all sorts of assumptions? Gosh. That's an eye-opener for me too, then.

thebody · 12/04/2012 15:04

Blimey u are a hard one op, hope your dear dds don't exclude you from their wedding as you are setting them such a terrible example.

I would be heart broken to be excluded from my kids weddings.

Horrible behaviour from you and your dp.

seeker · 12/04/2012 15:05

So your best friend has a birthday party. You aren't invited and hear about it the next day, when your friend says "I just wanted you to know that I had a lovely pasty yesterday but you weren't invited." how would you feel?

destroyedluggage · 12/04/2012 15:31

What assumptions did I make, ASByatt?

seeker, your analogy is off. There is NO party. They go to the registry office, sign papers, go home. No guests, just witnesses and their two kids.

The situation would be different if they were organising a mega-reception with friends and relatives invited from far and wide, except they excluded certain family members and then rubbed it in. This is not the case here (and wasn't the case with me either.) The correct analogy would be to say my best friend decides not to throw a birthday party this year at all. So what. Surely I can't feel hard done by because of that?

thebody · 12/04/2012 15:34

Destroyed, ' there's do much more to life than this shit'?? Gosh so thats how u describe a patents wish to b at their child's wedding?

U and the op are charmers indeed!

startthefansplease · 12/04/2012 15:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

destroyedluggage · 12/04/2012 15:42

Yes, that's exactly how I describe it. except with better spelling

Not attending a wedding you would have liked to attend is really a minor inconvenience in life - if it isn't, you have a bigger problem than you think.

Ephiny · 12/04/2012 16:22

She is being unreasonable and rude. It's up to the couple who (if anyone) they want to invite to their wedding, no one is automatically entitled to be invited, regardless of what relation they are.

I haven't read the whole thread in detail, so this might have been covered. But at my local registry office, you can either have the basic £40 ceremony, which is in a small office and only 2 witnesses are allowed. If you want to have any more guests, you have to pay for one of the big function rooms, which costs hundreds. So yes it might cost a lot more to invite MIL!

exoticfruits · 12/04/2012 16:30

Not attending a wedding you would have liked to attend is really a minor inconvenience in life - if it isn't, you have a bigger problem than you think.

I would call not going to your own DCs wedding more than a 'minor inconvenience'. My BIL and SIL's DS did this a couple of years ago. They have never been anything other than supportive and have never told him they were hurt but DH's brother told him, privately, that they were upset. His nephew did at least just pop down on a Monday morning, get 2 witnesses from work (not particular friends) and went back to work. They took immediate family out for a very nice dinner about 3 weeks later.
At least they didn't dress up, have friends a meal and photos.

exoticfruits · 12/04/2012 16:31

Those of you who find it a 'minor inconvenience' might find that you feel differently in 20 yrs time.