to think my MIL to be is being unreasonable!?!

[whogivesa1]

Me and DP have 2xDD's and have wanted to get married for the last few years. I have been married before and had the whole big white one which my parents paid for. My DP doesnt earn a great deal and I am a SAHM as the DD's are very young.

A few months ago and after much discussion and deliberation we decided to plan to 'go for it'. Given our limited resources, we have opted for a registery office with 2 best friends as witnesses and our DD's there. My parents have been great about it and very understanding and have even offered to pay for our outifts and donated money for a meal for us afterwards.

MIL to be has stopped speaking to us. She claims we are intentionally excluding her. We are excluding ALL family. She says its alright for my parents as theyve seen me get married before!

DP is really sad about it and feels let down by her. We are doing all we can given our financial constraints.

To compound matters she paid £xx,000 towards SIL wedding so should understand that we simply cannot afford to do it any other way.

What would you do?

Why can't they be there too? Two sets of parents isn't going to swell the numbers that much.

I think I'd feel a bit upset if I wasn't allowed to see my child get wed - and it's not even as if you're eloping to somewhere remote and romantic, just the two of you. I think it's a bit off TBH.

My mum did this to my gran. My gran and granpa were devastated that they couldn't see their daughter get married. It then meant when I was getting married I felt I should have the big white wedding to allow my gran to be part of it.

I would call not going to your own DCs wedding more than a 'minor inconvenience'.

What a wonderfully easy life you must have.

What if you a) never have children b) they choose not to marry?

might find that you feel differently in 20 yrs time

If anything, I'm even more unlikely to give two shits about weddings in 20 years' time.

Have a dry run.... tell them that you've invited them all, parents and current partners to your wedding day. Give them a date before your actual planned event and then take whoever turns up out for lunch at a local pub. See how they behave.

If they behave appalingly, then you can say, "and this is why we won't be inviting any of you to the actual wedding."

If they behave like grown-ups then you can think about whether they can hold it together while you sign a piece of paper in a registry office. And then plan accordingly.

I can't see why my life should be difficult!
What if you a) never have children b) they choose not to marry?

I do have DCs-if they don't get married-which they might not- then I can't go to a wedding!
Am I missing something here-am I supposed to be upset that they don't get married?!!
If they do get married I would like them to have some small affair and not waste thousands. I would just like to be there. I am absolutely fine with them not getting married-why wouldn't I be?

I'm confused - didn't you just say not going to your children's weddings would be more than just a minor inconvenience to you?

If your children don't get married for whatever reason then there's no wedding for you to go to. If you are not upset by that prospect (and I'm not saying you should be) then we're in agreement that it's really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Presumably you want to see your children happy and that overrides your desire to go to weddings.

The OP's situation is not much different: for all intents and purposes what they're doing is not a "wedding", they are getting married without any kind of ceremony, partying and other usual wedding paraphernalia. I can't see why that should be particularly traumatic for the parents either.

I wouldn't mind if they were just getting married with themselves and DCs- BUT they are not-they are having friends and a meal and most likely photos.
A friend's DD did it in a registry office-just the 2 of them and baby-in jeans and had a day out. No people, no special meals,clothes or photo-I think that is fair enough.

We also know that her parents have said they don't mind-does she really know? My nephew is happy in that his parents didn't mind and he will never know that they did. DH is the only one who knows and he isn't telling.

They are having a meal afterwards with the two friends who act as witnesses, that's how I understood it. Does that really matter? If they wear jeans that's OK, if they take a picture that's not OK? Come ON.

They aren't excluding anybody on purpose to be hurtful. It's a practical thing, they don't want any fuss, the relatives live far and they are skint.

People have to get over much more serious disappointments in life.

As disappointments it is fairly low down but I think it is unfair of OP whose parents have already seen her married and all DP's parents get is 'don't be silly-it is no big deal'.

It also wouldn't be difficult to include just parents and I bet if asked to pay for themselves they would be quite willing.

I don't get this "her parents have already seen her married" argument either. It seems to suggest it's all about the pretty frocks and the cake, and if you've been to one wedding already then move along and let others have their turn too. What kind of an attitude is this? Would you also be envious of her parents if they had supported her through a horrendous divorce afterwards?

"Don't be silly" covers it pretty well.

I'm sure that you can-I have known several and they haven't had any difficulty.