My DH's "loose a lover, gain a mother" comments are really getting to me.

[messagetoyourudy]

My DH and I have been together for 22 years, and we have 2 DS age 5 and 7 - so in the grand scale of things we have been together far longer without children than with children.
I can perfectly accept that life and relationships have their ups and downs, especially when you add children into the mix. But for DH if we don't have sex at least once a week (he'd like sex a lot more than that) he starts making the above quip..... and get's all gropey and feely which I in turn find even more of a turn off.

I just don't get why he feels the need to make the comment at all. It upsets me that as an adult he can't deal with the fact that sometimes the children's needs or my own needs of a little bit of personal space come first. It's like he is a child clambering for my attention too.

Lately, I have spent a month working pretty much full time in a very stressful job environment, DH has got a bad back which has meant I have been sleeping in the kids room as DH is snoring so much sleeping on his back. Funnily enough I haven't really felt 'in the mood for love'.......My DH has now been making comments like "well you wanted the kids, I didn't". It's making me pull away from him even more. I have tried to talk to him about it but he say's he's just joking.

It's making me really angry. AIBU?

He's being a shit.

'lose a lover, gain a mother'? Yeah, bound to make any woman hot, that . And the 'I didn't want kids anyway' line when you refuse sex = emotionally blackmailing you into sex (or having a good go anyway)? Nice.

Sorry, he's a wanker. But I'm not sure what you can do with one of those 'calm down dear, I'm joking types'. Couples counselling?

Agree with Mylene - thats horrible! You need to talk to him properly to make him understand how he's making you feel. This wouldn't be acceptable in my book at all

Saying that he's just joking is a get out of jail free card in this situation though, isn't it? He says things like this that show resentment and spitefulness and then he can back away from a serious discussion about the impact of what he's saying by making out it was just light humour.

Making comments about not being the one who wanted children is horrible btw. It's not right that his resentment is pointed at them too.

You need to talk about it and not let him use his joking excuse.

I would be very cross and retort with "well that shouldn't be a problem for you as you've always been a wanker" which I suppose wouldn't help things.

Simply point out what you have said here and that the more he pesters the less attractive you find him.

Er - no. YANBU. Urgh.

But are you really sleeping in the children's room because of the snoring? If you've been together 22 years it can't be a new thing? Are you hiding, do you think?

Oh yes, very clearly state that comments about he children are completely unacceptable.

Ive never heard that saying, but i think its unfortunate that so many people put their relationahip on the back burner when they have kids, and then end up splitting up or one or both of you being miserable.
relationships need looking after and intimacy or they die. hes not exactly being subtle or sensitive about it.

Oh dear - how grim. Definately tell him that the groping and the 'jokes' are not getting him anywhere. If he doesn't stop then you may need to consider if some outside help such as Relate will help with your marriage. If you carry on like this - him treating you as a sexual object and you furious with him - then you might as well start looking at solicitors for the divorce now.

Perhaps reply with "well you wouldn't want to shag your Mum would you? So you'd best stay away from me until you don't see me that way"
He is behaving like a nob end, but I'm guessing he isn't a complete nob end or you wouldn't have been married so long. You're too tired for sex anyway so use his comments back at him so you get what you want - no sex. So long as he sees his comments are having the reverse effect to what HE wants he may start to change.
Don't let him see how angry you are. Rise above it. Take pleasure in thinking up witty come backs until he starts to get the picture.

You need to talk to him. Not have a row, or snap back at him (no matter how tempting), but sit him down and have a proper conversation about how this is making you feel. And point out that his comments and gropeyness are having exactly the opposite effect from his intentions.

Good luck.

He is being an arse but it sounds to me like there was a vicious cycle going on beforehand. But avoiding sex is not an answer, as mentioned above, without intimacy most relationships will die.

My DH sometimes does the but I'm joking! thing, not in the same context and I just tackle it with it's not funny to me but tone has to be serious rather than petulant, angry, emotional as I think it makes them do it more. I think you know his comments are way out of line but if you put them to one side, can you deal with the intimacy issues? I work full time in a stressful job and have a toddler who still wakes in the night and we are still finding time for a sex life. Perhaps he is trying to tell you, in a rubbish way, that this needs addressing?

To me though having sex once a week is an ok sex life!! Am I well out of the norm? Yes we used to have sex more often but we used to do all sorts of things more often.....
I would just like a little more support then I would feel less of a duty more of an act of love.

You need to make him understand just how unsexy and unattractive his behaviour is, and that he is generating his own problem!

Once a week is OK. More is a bonus.

What do you need support with? Have you asked him?

I do think couples have to ensure their sex life remains active post DC. Which can sometimes be more difficult than perhaps it ought to be, especially for women.

But the way to keep things alive most certainly does not include idiotic comments, such as the one your DH is making.

Why not sit him down and tell him you do want an active sex life and discuss ways that that could become more feasible. Tell him his comments have the opposite to the desired result. But also tell him what he could do that might be more successful.

I can't believe he'd say "you wanted the kids"...he sounds like a baby ffs. Does he do anything to make you feel less tired? Does he give affection?

message once a week is FINE when you've got DC and work full time! We don't do it once a week but we feel we have a good sex life....we do it when we have time!

OMG he sounds revolting no wonder you can't keep your hands off him.

Once a week is fine here too! We average that, sometimes twice or thrice a week, sometimes can go for over 2 weeks without. Depends on how tired we are. We have two small DCs that still wake up in the night.

YANBU, your DH is acting like a child. And the comments about not wanting kids is not helping.

id be unhappy with once a week, so would my dp, although neither of us would make stroppy comments to the other, but id seriously look at the relationship if my partner got turned off if i got a bit "feely" with him especially if we werent having sex much.
Even if we go through times of not having sex as much, as every relationship does for various reasons, we make a point of still keeping the intimacy and making sure the other person still knows theyre wanted and attractive, otherwise whats the point. Youre on a slippery slope to nowhere.