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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH's "loose a lover, gain a mother" comments are really getting to me.

240 replies

messagetoyourudy · 10/04/2012 08:21

My DH and I have been together for 22 years, and we have 2 DS age 5 and 7 - so in the grand scale of things we have been together far longer without children than with children.
I can perfectly accept that life and relationships have their ups and downs, especially when you add children into the mix. But for DH if we don't have sex at least once a week (he'd like sex a lot more than that) he starts making the above quip..... and get's all gropey and feely which I in turn find even more of a turn off.

I just don't get why he feels the need to make the comment at all. It upsets me that as an adult he can't deal with the fact that sometimes the children's needs or my own needs of a little bit of personal space come first. It's like he is a child clambering for my attention too.

Lately, I have spent a month working pretty much full time in a very stressful job environment, DH has got a bad back which has meant I have been sleeping in the kids room as DH is snoring so much sleeping on his back. Funnily enough I haven't really felt 'in the mood for love'.......My DH has now been making comments like "well you wanted the kids, I didn't". It's making me pull away from him even more. I have tried to talk to him about it but he say's he's just joking.

It's making me really angry. AIBU?

OP posts:
DinahMoHum · 10/04/2012 10:20

is it true that he didnt want kids?

Whatmeworry · 10/04/2012 10:23

To me though having sex once a week is an ok sex life!! Am I well out of the norm?

The norm is a compromise, when one person dictates it then there may be trouble ahead.

Agree with LeQueen's wise aunt.

Angelico · 10/04/2012 10:26

You seem to have married Benny Hill. If my DH started 'groping' me I would be a bit Hmm too. Maybe you could suggest he tries a bit of romance instead of his oh-so-hilarious routine...

FondleWithCare · 10/04/2012 10:29

I would make it very clear that these 'jokes' are turning me off and getting him nowhere and that if he wants intimacy back then he needs to be making me feel good about myself. Talk to him about what you need support with and try to spend some time just hugging and chatting to feel closer. Jokes about your children are never acceptable. And sex once a week is fine.

hairytaleofnewyork · 10/04/2012 10:42

What a prick!

Your body is not for him to have sex on whenever he wants.

And to carry on having sex while you are sobbing? Sorry but he is a selfish cunt.

LeBOF · 10/04/2012 10:47

I missed the sobbing bit Confused

DinahMoHum · 10/04/2012 10:49

That was a different poster, not the OP

hairytaleofnewyork · 10/04/2012 10:53

It was Babs that was sobbing, sorry I should have made that clear.

doctordwt · 10/04/2012 10:55

He doesn't want the kids? Oh! Why didn't you say darling? Right, will pack you a bag today! Yes that's right, totally understandable, no one wants to have sex with mummies who waste precious sex time raising your children and cooking meals and washing dishes and being the person who makes it possible for you to have a home and a family and love... just think you could be in a bedsit, ten day's worth of socks on the floor and a pot noodle all ready to go for later, BUT with a string of hot young girlfriends who don't even know your last name...oh hang on...

Oh and if he stays, tell him that the next time he comes out with 'I didn't want the kids' - tell him he can expect to be reminded of that sentence on their wedding days, graduation ceremonies, when he becomes a grandad - all the proud moments you'll now assume he doesn't want to take part in, or indeed feel any pride in. That's fine yes?

DinahMoHum · 10/04/2012 10:58

noones body is there for someone else to have sex on whenever they want, but its pretty reasonable in a relationship to want a sex life no? or to ask their partner for sex sometimes?

Its also reasonable to say no, but if youre saying no a hell of a lot more often than youre saying yes, then id wonder if you were even still attracted to or in love with your partner anymore

ToryLovell · 10/04/2012 11:04

" but if youre saying no a hell of a lot more often than youre saying yes, then id wonder if you were even still attracted to or in love with your partner anymore"

The problem with the behaviour of the OPs DH is that feeling under pressure to have sex is very off-putting and makes you less likely to want to have sex.

OP he is being an arse

DinahMoHum · 10/04/2012 11:10

yeah its a vicious circle, but either of you digging your heels in isnt going to help.

I dont know if im reading between the lines, but it sounds like you had 15 (happy?) years together, and you decided you wanted to have children and he wasnt keen, but went along with it for whatever reason, and now the whole relationship has changed big style and youre drifting apart, not having much sex, youre flinching at his touch and youre sleeping in seperate beds, even though the children are 5 and 7.
He is lamenting the fact that things have changed so much since the children and you are thinking he needs to just accept it, get over it and leave you the hell alone.

Have I got that wrong?

Im just saying be careful, because there is no such thing as an unconditional relationship, and maybe both of you could make changes and work on the relationship together

minimisschief · 10/04/2012 11:13

you go on about your feelings and needs yet totally disregarding his. i would imagine being in a frustrating relationship with no sexlife can make you feel shitty and unwanted.

so what exactly do you want people to tell you? his comments are true in this case which is probably why it bugs you so much.

MrMiyagi · 10/04/2012 11:17

Once a week is not a big ask. If he was constantly rejecting you in such a manner you'd be hurt too.

Longtalljosie · 10/04/2012 11:27

Once a week would be fine if they were happy. Nothing is more offputting than someone behaving like an out-of-control Jack Russell and being nasty when you say no.

treedelivery · 10/04/2012 11:36

I'm afraid I'd go nuclear if dh spoke to me like that. The idea that I have a distinct role in life that I have to live up to, that involves being a wife, being laid and meeting a certain 'criteria' makes my teeth itch.

If he mentioned not wanting children he would find himself with little to worry about, as they wouldn't be visiting him very often in whatever little B&B he checked into.

Seriously. Tell this man he needs a holiday. Pack for him if required.

When he's had a month or so to get a grip mull things over, tell him to contact you regarding your relationship.

You may well need a period of work, quality time and some bridge building and a gentle return to shared intimacy, if you want to do that. I'd think long and hard about if building a bridge with him is what you want.

We hear he wants more sex, fine - I also think you have options and choices and preferences and that we should hear some more about what they are!

MrMiyagi · 10/04/2012 11:42

Yip, prefectly reasonable to expect your OH to accept a sexless marriage. What sort of pig could possibly be upset by being unwanted all the time?

solidgoldbrass · 10/04/2012 11:42

If he really didn't want DC he should have had a vasectomy. He doesn't get to punish you, for wanting them and having them, by pestering for sex, for the rest of your lives.
Has he been this tiresome for seven years (ie since the first child was born), or has something recently set him off on this sex-pest thing?

timetoask · 10/04/2012 11:46

You have been together for so long, he STILL fancies you, please make an effort to keep your marriage healthy.
I think you are tired because of your full on job, if your children were smaller I would sympathise, but at 5 and 7, you should have more energy to maintain a relationship with your husband.
Husbands are also human beings that need to feel loved and wanted.

treedelivery · 10/04/2012 11:46

MrMiyagi The sort of pig who says something so horrible to their wife!

He doesn't say 'can we go out for dinner, I've asked x to babysit, there are some things we need to chat about and it would be lovely to have some time together'. Nope, he compares her to his?/a? mother!

Not in the least but nice, and i certainly wouldn't feel remotely horny towards someone who made me feel naughty for not having sex.

MrMiyagi · 10/04/2012 11:46

solidgoldbrass he wants sex once a week (remember the OP said this is if it doesn't happen once a week) with his wife, and he's a sex pest? He's not out chasing schoolgirls, he's not groping neighbours. He just wants to feel wanted by, and attractive to, his wife, and you're calling him a sex pest for it? That's a bit much surely.

MrMiyagi · 10/04/2012 11:48

treedelivery, in that case he's guilty of being shit at expressing himself. When you're hurt and rejected it's not easy to say the right thing.

treedelivery · 10/04/2012 11:53

MrMiyagi Yeah well, he might need to take some responsibilty for that then - because if his kids get wind of the fact he never wanted them he may find himself an exceptionally hurt and rejected old man. Because they are going to have a very difficult relationship with him when they are older and reflect on this. And his wife might in the same camp too.

It's called growing up, and it's tough, and we all need to get on with it.

Op - you also have a responsibility to make him aware he is not helping, that he is infact alienating you further, and that yes - there are issues and you are ready and willing to find a way through them.

The idea that because children are 7 and 5 women should have plenty of energy for sex I find laughable. Does this mean I am only granted 3 more years of tiredness? As my youngest is 3?

MrMiyagi · 10/04/2012 11:55

treed, no doubt he does. But no-one seems to be expecting OP to take any responsibility for making the fella she supposedly loves feel so rejected. It's not healthy to keep showing your dp you patently don't want him, and have a million and one things you'd rather do than express your love for him. Sooner or later he'll get the message loud and clear.

EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 11:58

Bottom line, no man would say these things to me and still find himself within 100 feet of me, never mind shagging me.

I am constantly bamboozled by how much verbal abuse some men feel entitled to dish out, and by those that support them in their ridiculous ego-driven acting-out

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