My DH's "loose a lover, gain a mother" comments are really getting to me.

[messagetoyourudy]

My DH and I have been together for 22 years, and we have 2 DS age 5 and 7 - so in the grand scale of things we have been together far longer without children than with children.
I can perfectly accept that life and relationships have their ups and downs, especially when you add children into the mix. But for DH if we don't have sex at least once a week (he'd like sex a lot more than that) he starts making the above quip..... and get's all gropey and feely which I in turn find even more of a turn off.

I just don't get why he feels the need to make the comment at all. It upsets me that as an adult he can't deal with the fact that sometimes the children's needs or my own needs of a little bit of personal space come first. It's like he is a child clambering for my attention too.

Lately, I have spent a month working pretty much full time in a very stressful job environment, DH has got a bad back which has meant I have been sleeping in the kids room as DH is snoring so much sleeping on his back. Funnily enough I haven't really felt 'in the mood for love'.......My DH has now been making comments like "well you wanted the kids, I didn't". It's making me pull away from him even more. I have tried to talk to him about it but he say's he's just joking.

It's making me really angry. AIBU?

I am constantly bamboozled by how much emotional abuse some women feel entitled to dish out, and by those that support loudly encourage them in their ridiculous ego-driven acting-out.

I'd find it preeety difficult to express anything but fury to anyone who tried to tell me I was his mother.

Likewise if I told my dh he was turning into my father because he wouldn't serve up sex as and when - I'd expect short shrift. It's plain nasty.

Utterly unacceptable way to speak to someone you love and respect.

the idea that because you have children, you lose your libido and dont even worry about it is completely weird to me.

Children dont make you lose your libido or make you stop fancying your partner.
If that has happened, then its a problem in the relationship, its not something people should just accept as part and parcel of family life, obviously barring early days and breastfeeding/hormonal changes. It is reasonable to expect the relationship to get back to being loving and intimate again at some point.

Honestly, you call that emotional abuse??

fucking hell

Nothing is more offputting than someone constantly nagging and whining for sex and then insulting the partner who is not in the mood. When one partner's libido is lower than normal or has always been a lot lower than the other partner's, sensible couples communicate, make time for each other, listen to each other. The most common cause for a situation like the OP (tired woman, man constantly asking for sex) is that the man is not pulling his weight domestically. The woman has usually asked him to contribute more to the household work and childcare that needs to be doing, and he will not have done so, or perhaps he will wash up after dinner without being asked, make a hugely ostentatious fuss about 'No, you sit down dear, I'll do it.' And the minute the last mug is on the drying rack, he'll get his cock out and want 'his reward'.

Making someone feel like a dirty sex pest for wanting affection from his life partner is not emotional abuse?

Not wanting to sleep with someone (more than once a week) is not emotional abuse. Not by any definition. You are becoming hysterical MrMiyagi. How ironic.

solidgoldbrass, if a man wants more affection he needs to help out more around the house, but a man who helps out more better not expect more affection?

The problem with the behaviour of the OPs DH is that feeling under pressure to have sex is very off-putting and makes you less likely to want to have sex.

That is very true Tory This was what happened with XDP and I. I wanted sex, wanted and loved him. But I wanted the sex to be through shared intimacy, time together. He wanted to go out after football practice, come home 1am after a few beers and have sex.

I suggested we went out, spent some nice time together, that I got dressed up and felt like me again, not'just' DS my iyswim?

Next night he came home with DVD, coke and popcorn, film hadn't even finished rolling initial credits when he started groping.

He never did get it understand

OP, is that what it is like for you? If so please talk to him. I loved my DP, it wasn't about not wanting sex but more about it being special not just a routine act. Unfortunately for me it didn't work out, but I know friends who have been in similar situations and they've managed to get through it.
I agree with the posters who say as your DC's are 5&7 tiredness from them sounds like an excuse not a reason. My DS was 3-13 months when this was happeneing with me.

All the best.

I'm just trying to add a sense of perspective to counteract all the messages that it's perfectly normal for the op to reject these unreasonable advaces (he fancies his wife? Leave the dirty fucker!).

Honest question OP, just what is so unbearable about showing the man you love him more regularly? If deep down that makes you feel so uncomfortable, maybe you shouldn't be with him. If it doesn't, then why are you rejecting him so often?

In my last relationship with my ex i was the one who was rejected for sex all the time, and kept getting told to stop pressurising him.
Tbh though, if i asked for sex i didnt get it, and if i didnt ask for it i didnt get it. Ive never had such low self esteem in my life. I think in a relationship with someone, you need to put the effort in to make sure things dont get stale and that your partner still feels wanted even if they dont want actual sex, but if even the touching and the feeling is upsetting you, then i think there are deeper issues, thats all.
I would never accept a relationship like that again. IMO once the sex goes, the relationship is on its way out anyway.

I think a constant drip, drip of passive aggressive insults wouldn't be the biggest turn on TBH.

The op is going to have to talk to her DH about how he is making her feel. He is the one pushing his partner away.

MrMiyagi Tue 10-Apr-12 12:07:54
solidgoldbrass, if a man wants more affection he needs to help out more around the house, but a man who helps out more better not expect more affection?

Yes, in a nutshell. No-one, male or female, should expect sexual intimacy with another person, as their right. But being considerate, treating the other person with respect and kindness, is more likely to lead to sexual intimacy, if that is what they both want. But there is no guarantee. If one person does not like the situation, they have the option to either try and change it, by changing their own behaviour, or to leave.

I have tried to talk to him about it but he say's he's just joking

^^ this is the real problem, I believe, OP. He has not discussed this with you in a mature, adult conversation. Is he just joking? Because if he is it needs to stop. And if he is not joking, he needs to change his manner of communicating and talk to you about what he really feels/needs and how you can both work towards a more happy situation that suits you both.

Mr Miyagi- she is rejecting him so often because she is bloody knackered.

His crassness compounds the problem and makes her feel less motivated to put it right.

all he wants is sex ONCE a week.Surelythat's not too much to ask.

Fairenuff, so when a husband is told "I'm exhausted, i want to have sex with you, but I just don't have the energy. Help me out more and that'll change", then he proceeds to help out more, doing as she wishes to make her happy, and then the wife proceeds to find a new excuse to keep rejecting him anyway, that's not deceitful in any way?

It is actually perfectly reasonable to reject sexual advances any time you don't fancy sex. That does NOT constitute emotional abuse. Or neglecting your relationship. And once a week is hardly starvation rations, is it?

Suddenly so glad I'm a lesbian. (Not saying all men are like MrMiyagi or the OP's dh, obviously.)

This is not emotional abuse. She is having sex with him around once a week so he is having sex. The issue is in the way he's asking: making extremely unfunny 'jokes' and groping her like a piece of meat. I've been there and there is very little else less likely to get somebody in the mood. If he was helping and supporting her where needed and showing her affection then I would imagine she would be more receptive to his advances.

"noones body is there for someone else to have sex on whenever they want, but its pretty reasonable in a relationship to want a sex life no? or to ask their partner for sex sometimes?

Its also reasonable to say no, but if youre saying no a hell of a lot more often than youre saying yes, then id wonder if you were even still attracted to or in love with your partner anymore"

No-ones body is there for someone else to have sex on FULL STOP. If one person doesn't want to have sex for a period of time it's non negotiable.

With the pressures that the OP is under, her OH soumds like a twunt of the highest order and lacking in compassion. I have an ex just like him.

Mr Myiagi. He's not asking her, nor communicating with her nor showing any level of understanding. He's pestering her and verbally abusing her.

I thought they already had sex once a week or did i read that bit wrong?

Yep - there's no sure fire better way to get a woman in the mood then grabbing at her like a teenager and making a hurtful comment about never wanting kids is there?

Doesn't matter whether it's a man or a woman doing it!

I'm a bit 50/50 on this

On the one hand the comment he made about the kids is really nasty for both OP and the children - what if they overheard him saying that? It's hard to take back something like that once it's been said and even if it was a 'heat of the moment' thing and he didn't really mean it it's still really out of order.

The whole 'lost a lover gained a mother' comment is also an unpleasent thing to say although I don't think he means that you have become his mother just a mother - ie, someone who has other responsibilities and duties other than looking after just their needs as a couple. In that case, he is right!

On the other hand I get that he is probably feeling very frustrated and upset because his wife doesn't seem interested anymore?

The message he seems to be giving out it 'I'm still attracted to and sexually interested in my wife and would like her to show me she feels the same way'.

The message OP seems to be giving out it 'I'm tired, I'm stresed out and I'm not interested - I have other things to do than show you affection. Oh, and you trying to show that you are interested in having sex with me by touching me up is very annoying and unwanted and is putting me off even more'.

I kind of see his point but agree that the way he is going about it needs to be addressed as things are not going to improve if he carries on this way!

You're all right, file for divorce OP. That way he'll get the message loud and clear, not the subtle rejections you keep drip feeding him.

I'm out, thank god there's a woman in my life who doesn't view affection as a weapon.

using the phrase "gain a mother lose a lover" and "i didnt want kids" is verbal abuse??
I dont think so. What a way to demean real abuse. Thats just a guy complaining.
People can say things that arent nice or what people want to hear, but that doesnt make it verbal abuse.

Maybe you are nice to her MrMiyagi and speak to her as an equal. So she will never feel threatened and therefore not see you or your actions as a weapon.

I don't know if it's abuse, being an arse or just good old fashioned rude. What it sure is is counter productive and very unlikely to get him laid.

It is actually perfectly reasonable to reject sexual advances any time you don't fancy sex. That does NOT constitute emotional abuse. Or neglecting your relationship. And once a week is hardly starvation rations, is it?

No, but if you keep on rejecting advances, whereas you once didn't, it sends a message loud and clear, and will have inevitable consequences....

But this is clearly a vicious cycle, it hasn't come from nowheer. Men IME by and large don't grope and say twattish things unless they are already very frustrated, OP is already sleeping in another room, so this has been building up for some time.