My DH's "loose a lover, gain a mother" comments are really getting to me.

[messagetoyourudy]

My DH and I have been together for 22 years, and we have 2 DS age 5 and 7 - so in the grand scale of things we have been together far longer without children than with children.
I can perfectly accept that life and relationships have their ups and downs, especially when you add children into the mix. But for DH if we don't have sex at least once a week (he'd like sex a lot more than that) he starts making the above quip..... and get's all gropey and feely which I in turn find even more of a turn off.

I just don't get why he feels the need to make the comment at all. It upsets me that as an adult he can't deal with the fact that sometimes the children's needs or my own needs of a little bit of personal space come first. It's like he is a child clambering for my attention too.

Lately, I have spent a month working pretty much full time in a very stressful job environment, DH has got a bad back which has meant I have been sleeping in the kids room as DH is snoring so much sleeping on his back. Funnily enough I haven't really felt 'in the mood for love'.......My DH has now been making comments like "well you wanted the kids, I didn't". It's making me pull away from him even more. I have tried to talk to him about it but he say's he's just joking.

It's making me really angry. AIBU?

Grabbing another person's genitals at random is not the same as a flirty touch. It's demeaning and likely to result in less sex for the groper.

But the OP has never said that. She has not suggested that prior to having children, her partner went around groping her.

Mr M
I regularly cuddle her without demanding more, and I spend a lot of what should be my free time (she has hers too) helping her in various ways

Just repeating you. That's all. You're 'helping' her. How magnanimous.

Sorry, xpost. I was replying to Dinah.

Yes slug, I help her with her full time job as well as doing my own so she can have some more down time. How is that equivalent to thinking I'm a hero for doing my half (yes, MY half) of the housework?

A good guy is supposed to be appalled at the idea of a man thinking him and his wife should be having sex regularly?

Seems logical.

This couple are having sex regularly

Did you miss that bit while you were painting me as a sex-averse internet warrior ?

The point is that some people do like a 'flirty touch' and some people do not.

That is why the ones who do not like it call it 'groping'. Because that is what it feels like to them.

Whether this is 'normal' or 'wrong' is a matter of opinion and actually irrelevant to this post.

The OP has explained how she feels to her dh and she has also explained how she feels to us.

he starts making the above quip..... and get's all gropey and feely which I in turn find even more of a turn off

I just don't get why he feels the need to make the comment at all. It upsets me that as an adult he can't deal with the fact that sometimes the children's needs or my own needs of a little bit of personal space come first

DH has now been making comments like "well you wanted the kids, I didn't". It's making me pull away from him even more. I have tried to talk to him about it but he say's he's just joking. It's making me really angry

These are the issues which the OP is struggling with. It's clear from what she says that his words and actions are what is turning her off. He just can't see that.

OP how about couples counselling? At least, if nothing else, this might make him realise how seriously this is affecting you?

Your use of language is very telling MrMiyagi
" i think it's a man getting regular sex from his wife that she has a problem with" - can you see the problem with that sentence?

Probably not.

I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to work out that the OP is finding the groping to be unpleasant and inappropriate and her DH should be able to work that out all by himself but sadly it seems he needs prompting.

Sometimes being touched suggestively within a loving and intimate relationship is welcome eg when you're having a "shall we have an early night" type convo

Sometimes it is not: eg on the school run, when you're feeling ill / cross / stressed

Anyone with an ounce of human sensibility and even vaguely tuned into their partner can easily work out which is which. The OP's DH cannot :(

Agree with Eggy. A "good guy" is one who is appalled at the idea that a woman should have to put up and shut up simply because she is married.

A "good guy" would recognize that a woman has as much right to accept or reject sexual advances as the next bloke.

A "good guy" I hate that term would realise that being married does not remove your right to say No.

A "good guy" would recognise pestering whining as childish entitled behaviour and stop forthwith.

I think not too, Mal

hence my invitation that he "keep talking"... (the words "rope" and "hang oneself" come to mind)

He's gone all quiet now he's been asked direct questions on this and another thread where he's been dispensing his pearls of wisdom.
Quelle surprise.

I hope the OP is OK :(

EggyFucker Tue 10-Apr-12 13:01:03
By a "bit of balance" you mean Op should just shut her face and open her legs. Yes ?

MrMiyagi Tue 10-Apr-12 13:03:13
That's exactly what I mean. How very perceptive

MrMiyagi I think this ^^ is why there is little respect for you on this thread but I first read that as a sarcastic comment and not really what you meant? Sarcasm doesn't always come over well in type and actually is not very helpful to the OP so perhaps you would like to clarify?

EggyFucker Tue 10-Apr-12 13:01:03 (to MrM)
By a "bit of balance" you mean Op should just shut her face and open her legs. Yes ?

MrMiyagi Tue 10-Apr-12 13:51:36 (about EF)
extremepie, i think it's a man getting regular sex from his wife that she has a problem with.

I think it's the conjunction of the above two quotes that better describes MrM's approach on this thread, and why nobody is really taking him seriously

I got the sarcasm, but it was the unwitting agenda-revealing that gave me the most information

If you really wanted to have sex, you would. I'm not having a go, but all these people who are "exhausted to have sex" usually just don't want to/have low sex drive.

I think once a week is infrequent by those ages, by the way.

I feel like I have entered the twilight zone.

Where sex is something men do to women and once a week is not "regular". If I do not want to have sex I do not have to explain myself. It's not my DPs "right" it's an option that both people have to agree too.

DP would never dream of saying the things the OPs has as a way to manipulate me into having sex with him, He has more respect for me and himself.

Got it in one Purple - those of us in healthy relationships with men who value us as equals and not merely bodies to have sex with realise this.

Not once in 30 years has my DH said anything remotely like Op's H, his remark about the children would be a deal breaker for me, let alone the childish sulking for sex. He sounds vile.

Men IME by and large don't grope and say twattish things unless they are already very frustrated, OP is already sleeping in another room, so this has been building up for some time.

This has made me physically shudder. "Frustrated" is a negative thing, One must never approach sex negativity and to grope someone out of frustration because you want to have sex with them is wrong. OP clearly doesn't want to be groped yet he continues to do it. It's wrong.

Also they have sex once a week so what is building up? He's not an animal and should be able to control himself.

My ex was a groper. He saw it as some sort of foreplay. I saw it as a total lack of respect for me. This, and many other reasons, is why he's my ex.

Your partner should respect you. Sex isn't just for men. Nor is it an entitlement for anyone, married or not.