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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH's "loose a lover, gain a mother" comments are really getting to me.

240 replies

messagetoyourudy · 10/04/2012 08:21

My DH and I have been together for 22 years, and we have 2 DS age 5 and 7 - so in the grand scale of things we have been together far longer without children than with children.
I can perfectly accept that life and relationships have their ups and downs, especially when you add children into the mix. But for DH if we don't have sex at least once a week (he'd like sex a lot more than that) he starts making the above quip..... and get's all gropey and feely which I in turn find even more of a turn off.

I just don't get why he feels the need to make the comment at all. It upsets me that as an adult he can't deal with the fact that sometimes the children's needs or my own needs of a little bit of personal space come first. It's like he is a child clambering for my attention too.

Lately, I have spent a month working pretty much full time in a very stressful job environment, DH has got a bad back which has meant I have been sleeping in the kids room as DH is snoring so much sleeping on his back. Funnily enough I haven't really felt 'in the mood for love'.......My DH has now been making comments like "well you wanted the kids, I didn't". It's making me pull away from him even more. I have tried to talk to him about it but he say's he's just joking.

It's making me really angry. AIBU?

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 13:29

That's lovely for you, extremepie

Now back to the OP...

MrMiyagi · 10/04/2012 13:34

^"Men IME by and large don't grope and say twattish things unless they are already very frustrated

apology for sexual assault

if this "frustrated" man groped a stranger in the street, would it be ok ?"^

If I climbed into a strange woman's bed and hugged her for ages before turning over and falling asleep, it wouldn't be ok, yet my wife seemed perfectly ok with it last night. What's your point?

Obviously physically intimidating and assaulting your partner is wrong, but calling an innocent flirty touch, with a partner you love, sexual assault is wrong, that that sort of hysteria does a real disservice to victims of marital rape.

SeaHouses · 10/04/2012 13:36

What a weird thread. I don't know why a poster would think that groping conjures up images of strangers. Most groping incidents that you hear about seem to be as described by posters on here. A partner who walks up and grabs genitals or breasts when the other person is clearly already involved in doing something else and has not suggested they are receptive to sex. That is clearly different to talking to somebody, kissing and cuddling and gradually working up to touching somebody's genitals. It is treating somebody like a sex object.

Some people seem to think sexual desire can be turned on and off like a tap. If somebody is nasty to somebody else, by suggesting they didn't want their children for example, it can take a while to get over that and start to feel a desire again. It is not emotional abuse to not agree to sex when your trust and feelings of intimacy have been demolished. Many people are going to want to build on intimacy and trust in order to feel comfortable having sex or having more sex. But a minority of posters seem to think that having unwanted sex would somehow magically restore that intimacy. In reality, having unwanted sex is going to lead to a lot of distress and damage the relationships further.

EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 13:37

MrM...do you think this man has a right to grope his wife simply because he is married to her ?

looktoshinford · 10/04/2012 13:37

The OP is calling her DH's advances 'groping' because she doesn't want the attention any longer.

No doubt, when she was a lover and not a mother the attention was more than welcome. Which is the point of her DHs rather childish comments.

OP - if you dont like the way your DH instigates intimacy (and it sounds like he has run out of ideas now and is getting frustrated), then perhaps you could instigate it yourself more often?

If you want to.

extremepie · 10/04/2012 13:38

Sorry Eggy, I didn't realise that by commenting on an issue pertinant to this conversation, and using and example from my own life as an example, I was monopolising it.

I'll be more careful in future Confused

MrMiyagi · 10/04/2012 13:39

Eggyfucker, no I don't, but in a normal healthy relationship it wouldn't be an issue. Painting it up as the cause of problems is a cop out to pass the blame solely onto him. Do you think it's normal to compare a loving partner's touch to that of a pervert on the street?

SeaHouses · 10/04/2012 13:41

In a normal, healthy relationship it would be a problem for many people, because many people don't like to be groped by anybody, ever.

I'm not sure why this is hard to understand or particularly surprising.

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 13:41

extremepie FWIW I saw nothing wrong with your post and I don't think there was any need for EF to be so dismissive of it.

You just posted another perspective, that's all.

EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 13:42

Extremepie, your post was nothing to do with the OP's situation

You are entitled to comment though, like I am entitled to draw attention to your "I'm alright Jack...so there must be something wrong with you" post

I would also be a little concerned about anyone who would call themselves someone's "sex object" and tout that as an example to someone who is clearly unhappy at being treated like that.

DinahMoHum · 10/04/2012 13:43

I wouldnt have a problem with my OH groping me if thats the case, and he often does, and i do it to him. We're in a relationship, its normal to touch each other up a bit isnt it? If we're still doing it after 22 years i'll be happy.

Some peoples relationships here sound like business arrangements

EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 13:43

I am dismissive of it, because it is minimising the Op's distress

but don't let that get in your way

SeaHouses · 10/04/2012 13:44

How is it like a business arrangement to want to be spoken to, kissed and cuddled before somebody starts grabbing at your breasts and/or vulva?

MrMiyagi · 10/04/2012 13:44

"See, Mr Miyagi, there is a clue in your postings. You "help" with the housework.

In my household there's no such thing as "helping out" We both do what needs to be done. "Help" implies that the housework is the wife's sole job and the occasional dabblings in the humdrum of daily life actually deserve a reward. Have a cookie"

Thanks but I'm watching my figure. And since when did I say I do the housework to help out? I already do that, by helping out I mean I'll sit and do what I can of the work she brings home to give her a rest after a tough day (obviously not all of it, we have different careers, but there's typing and other boring menial stuff that needs done and I can easily do). There are many other examples where it's not just me doing my share of the housework, but I suppose it's better if I just let you define what I mean by help, and post your patronising links.

Whatmeworry · 10/04/2012 13:45

extremepie FWIW I saw nothing wrong with your post and I don't think there was any need for EF to be so dismissive of it..

Hell hath no fury like EF's opinion spurned :o

EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 13:46

MrM/Dinah, in a normal healthy relationship where the advances are welcomed by both parties of course you are right

but the OP is not welcoming it, so why are you not listening to her ?

handbagCrab · 10/04/2012 13:46

I'd be angry too op.

I can't believe there's a man alive that says he doesn't really want his kids whist groping his wife, who is actually a kind considerate chap who simply lacks the vocabulary to instigate intimacy in a mutually beneficial way.

EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 13:47

if you say so, WMW

can't beat a bit of minimising on a slow tuesday, eh ?

such sport

MrMiyagi · 10/04/2012 13:47

"In a normal, healthy relationship it would be a problem for many people, because many people don't like to be groped by anybody, ever.

I'm not sure why this is hard to understand or particularly surprising.

The power of definition is evident in this thread. A flirty touch from a partner is not on a par with groping on any level and frankly you should reconsider your relationship if it disgusts you as much as sexual assault by a stranger.

Are they a voyeur if they happen to see you naked when you get dressed in the morning?

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 13:47

I couldn't give a toss Whatme Grin

It's really down to the OP to dismiss/not dismiss posts, since she is the one posting the problem.

I think some people need to get over themselves.

extremepie · 10/04/2012 13:49

I am happy to be DH's sex object, as he is mine.

That's not all he is to me, obviously, I think it is the phrase that you have a problem with and not the idea behind it tbh - but my DH and I are happy so I don't see why you should feel 'concerned' about it.

I don't expect everyone to think the same way as I do, the world would be very boring if that were the case!

I never said that there was something wrong with the OP for not feeling the way I do, I'm sorry if that was what you took from what I said. As worra pointed out, I was just offering another perspective, sometimes when you are offered another point of view it makes you look at your own differently.

MrMiyagi · 10/04/2012 13:51

extremepie, i think it's a man getting regular sex from his wife that she has a problem with.

InAnyOtherSoil · 10/04/2012 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 13:55

MrM, that is laughable Smile

Keep talking

DinahMoHum · 10/04/2012 14:03

i dont thionk the OP is in the wrong eggyfucker, i havent said she is. Ive said i dont think either of them are, and they need to impriove their communication because somethings not quite right.

Im assuming the groping and wanting sex has been something thats been fairly consistent or has at least come up before over the course of 22 years, and now, its not ok anymore. It may be wise to look at whats changed for her, and maybe hes right, that children have ruined things a bit, and maybe extra work needs to be done by both parties if they want another 22 years