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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DH's "loose a lover, gain a mother" comments are really getting to me.

240 replies

messagetoyourudy · 10/04/2012 08:21

My DH and I have been together for 22 years, and we have 2 DS age 5 and 7 - so in the grand scale of things we have been together far longer without children than with children.
I can perfectly accept that life and relationships have their ups and downs, especially when you add children into the mix. But for DH if we don't have sex at least once a week (he'd like sex a lot more than that) he starts making the above quip..... and get's all gropey and feely which I in turn find even more of a turn off.

I just don't get why he feels the need to make the comment at all. It upsets me that as an adult he can't deal with the fact that sometimes the children's needs or my own needs of a little bit of personal space come first. It's like he is a child clambering for my attention too.

Lately, I have spent a month working pretty much full time in a very stressful job environment, DH has got a bad back which has meant I have been sleeping in the kids room as DH is snoring so much sleeping on his back. Funnily enough I haven't really felt 'in the mood for love'.......My DH has now been making comments like "well you wanted the kids, I didn't". It's making me pull away from him even more. I have tried to talk to him about it but he say's he's just joking.

It's making me really angry. AIBU?

OP posts:

extremepie · 10/04/2012 12:42

-No-one, male or female, should expect sexual intimacy with another person, as their right-

I'm sorry to say Fairenuff but I do expect it and so does my DH, we expect each other to show affection, which often sometimes includes sex because that is part of a healthy, loving relationship.

I don't expect him to jump every time I call for it or do it every time even if he isn't in the mood but if the sex and affection dried up I would feel a bit cheated because that is part of what I expect to get from our marriage!

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 10/04/2012 12:44

Whatme and do women grope men when THEY are sexually frustated???? What a load of bollocks you talk...as if it's OK for a man to grope and talk like a dickhead because he's not had a shag! Men are not ENTITLED to sex any more than women are.

Technoviking · 10/04/2012 12:45

MrMiyagi, marriage is about being equal isn't it?
Acting like a child when one side doesn't get what they want, isn't equal, is it?
OP is busy, working and raising children. Does her husband sound sympathetic or helpful? No, he goes all snotty and childish. Yeah, that'll work.

Emotional abuse my fucking arse.

Technoviking · 10/04/2012 12:47

And why is it always up to the "selfish" woman to sort out these issues?
Why does the man not have to take responsibility, just because his balls are a bit blue? How about looking at why he's being rejected, instead of saying rejection is emotional abuse or grounds for a divorce.

Fuck me, this is 2012, not 1910.

Whatmeworry · 10/04/2012 12:49

People can say things that arent nice or what people want to hear, but that doesnt make it verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse is now defined as anything the listener does not like to hear...

Whatme and do women grope men when THEY are sexually frustated???? What a load of bollocks you talk...as if it's OK for a man to grope and talk like a dickhead because he's not had a shag!

Women react differently, they don't grope they sulk :o. And I wasn't saying it was OK, I was explaining it's a symptom of a longer cycle thing.

Btw I am depressed that we are on page 3 and no Leave the Bastard yet, MN frothing is not what it used to be :o

MrMiyagi · 10/04/2012 12:50

treedelivery, thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt on that one. Yes, I treat her as best as I know how, I regularly cuddle her without demanding more, and I spend a lot of what should be my free time (she has hers too) helping her in various ways. But equally, she makes me feel wanted, she shows me lots of affection, and she would never hurt me by constantly rejecting me and then compounding that by making me feel like shit for wanting her. Also, if there is a dry spell where she isn't feeling up to it for whatever reason, she'll talk to me, reassure me and make sure I still feel loved (I do the same when work stress/etc affects me similarly), she won't just stonewall me.

Neither of us would dream of making the other feel dirty for wanting us. We value the relationship too much.

It's a two way street.

Devora · 10/04/2012 12:50

"Men IME by and large don't grope and say twattish things unless they are already very frustrated". I don't know where to begin with that one...

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 10/04/2012 12:55

I didn't either Devora but I had a go....its not on to make out that men are prey to their own sexual drive making them INNOCENT of wrong because "They can't help it"

That's a dangerous and pig ignorant piece of SHIT to go around saying Whatme

And what do you mean "Women dont grope they sulk" who fecking says so?? I dont' sulk....I know plenty of women who dont.

EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 12:56

if your relationship with your wife is so equal and fabulous MrM, why are you persisting in promoting one that doesn't match it ?

this bloke isn't acting like it's a 2 way street, so why are you excusing him and blaming the female here ?

Fairenuff · 10/04/2012 12:58

Fairenuff, so when a husband is told "I'm exhausted, i want to have sex with you, but I just don't have the energy. Help me out more and that'll change" . .

Where are you getting this quote from MrMiyagi? No-one has said that. The OP has not promosed sex in return for housework help.

Also, I have to say, 'helping'? It's his house too, his children. He holds 50% of the responsibilities so doing housework and childcare is not 'helping' it is stepping up and doing his share.

Initially, the problem may have started because the OP was very tired but it is her dh's attitude to her which has made him much less desirable in her eyes. That's what needs to change if he wants to have sex more often with her.

MrMiyagi · 10/04/2012 12:59

Eggyfucker, because the prevailing trend is the opposite. A bit of balance may save said relationship.

EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 13:01

By a "bit of balance" you mean Op should just shut her face and open her legs. Yes ?

DinahMoHum · 10/04/2012 13:02

groping is immediately loaded. Immediately conjures up images of some stranger or pervert harrassing someone completely inappropriately.
It would be a very horrible and unhealthy relationship for me if I wasnt able to touch my partner sexually, or didnt allow him to touch me.
When you say groping, what do you mean. Do you mean something stronger than that, or do you mean stuff like touching your bum or boob or something when hes feeling horny?

MrMiyagi · 10/04/2012 13:03

That's exactly what I mean. How very perceptive.

EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 13:03

Men IME by and large don't grope and say twattish things unless they are already very frustrated

apology for sexual assault

if this "frustrated" man groped a stranger in the street, would it be ok ?

EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 13:04

cheers, MrM

Fairenuff · 10/04/2012 13:04

No-one, male or female, should expect sexual intimacy with another person, as their right

I'm sorry to say Fairenuff but I do expect it . . . from what you describe extremepie you don't expect it as your right regardless of how your dh feels?

If sex goes in a relationship you either try to work together to solve your differences, or you separate. You do not expect the other person to have sex with you, against their wishes, because it is your right, as their married partner?

Jux · 10/04/2012 13:05

He's being a tosser. If he didn't want kids why did he have unprotected sex with you? Has he heard of condoms? If he'd kept his dick to himself he wouldn't have the kids, would he? Perhaps he could think about his own part in their conception.

slug · 10/04/2012 13:05

See, Mr Miyagi, there is a clue in your postings. You "help" with the housework.

In my household there's no such thing as "helping out" We both do what needs to be done. "Help" implies that the housework is the wife's sole job and the occasional dabblings in the humdrum of daily life actually deserve a reward. Have a cookie

DinahMoHum · 10/04/2012 13:05

What im probably saying, not very well, is completely normal things in a relationship, and things that are healthy and fun in a relationship, all of a sudden become horrible and feel abusive if you dont have fond feelings for the other person.
That doesnt MAKE the other person an abuser, if for the last god knows how many years, youve been completely up for it. It just makes him confused.

It doesnt sound like either are in the wrong, but that work needs to be done on communication and getting things back on track

EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 13:06

that cookie will go down lovely with you

EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 13:06

*your

FondleWithCare · 10/04/2012 13:15

Dinah groping in the context of a previous relationship for me was grabbing my boobs while I was doing something like reading a newspaper or walking past him or putting his hand between my legs while I'm trying to wash the dishes. It was sexual touching with no build-up to it and made me feel disgusting and as if I was no more than a sexual object.

Fairenuff · 10/04/2012 13:19

It's the inability (or unwillingness) to hold a calm and reasonable debate on emotive subjects which so often prevents their resolution. If the couple cannot move forward, they will remain in this unhappy cycle.

OP how will this situation change?

extremepie · 10/04/2012 13:26

I quite like being 'groped' by DH! To me, it's just a physical way of expressing your desires (and intentions?)

For example, DH will often talk to his friends on skype in the evening while I watch tv - if I go over to give him a hug sometimes he'll slap my bum or grab my boobs!

To me it's just his way of saying 'I'm here doing other things (talking to my friends) but I'm also thinking about how attractive I find you and how much I want to touch you'

I don't have a problem with it because he is my husband, he is the only person in the world who I want to touch me in that way - if he suddenly stopped I would probably feel a bit put out. If I suddenly started shouting at him every time he touched me he'd probably get a bit upset too!

For me, yeah groping might seem a little bit like they're treating you as a 'sex object' but I am his sex object, because I choose to be. Sometimes with all the other stuff you have going on in your life it is nice to be seen as a sexual being capable of giving another person pleasure as opposed to a mother/employee/carer, etc

Different strokes I guess :D

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