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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset DM left 9 week old alone all night...

341 replies

kiki22 · 09/04/2012 20:00

DS stayed over with my mum last night for the first time he is 9 weeks i know some may say this is to early and why would i want my baby to stay away but i am happy with him staying with his grandparents over night so don't need any advice on that it's what happened last night that i'd like opinions on.

When DS is at home he goes up to the bedroom to his crib about 7 and stays there alone untill i go to bed about 10 with the baby monitor on then is in the room with us the rest of the night. My mum has a bedroom for my niece at her house which isn't used as DN sleeps with DM the plan last night was to settle DS in the kids room and DN in DMs room then swap them at DS 12am feed i was ok with this as DSD would be awake until then.

What actually happened was at 12 they decided not to move the kids incase DN (5) woke up as 'she would be up for ages' at first i thought DSD co-slept in the single bed with DS which i wasn't very happy with anyway since he had his pram he could have slept in as need be but then i was told actually DM DSD and DN all slept together while DS slept down the hall on his own all night apart from his 12 and 4 feeds.

I am so upset not only because of the risks of cot death or any major problem that are unlikely but the thought of my tiny baby waking up all alone during the night. He quite often wakes and moans a little to be settled so even tho it didn't happen if he did wake he would have had to cry loud enough to wake someone sleeping in another room to be comforted by which point he would be very upset. AIBU or would you be upset to? I said something earlier which was brushed off but really feel like i need to tell her it's not acceptable and would like an apology tbh.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 09/04/2012 20:03

If she fed him at 12 and 4 he wasn't alone all night was he?

Wafflepuss · 09/04/2012 20:03

Look after him yourself then.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 09/04/2012 20:04

They heard him to wake up for his feeds though?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2012 20:05

It sounds like DM has too much on her plate to look after a 9 week old. How old is DSD who is up until 12 and sharing a bed with an adult?

scuzy · 09/04/2012 20:06

dont get the ins and outs of who slept where but i always say if you have a routine with kids or want things done a specific way its not fair to offload that onto someone doing you a favour and babysitting.

as long as ds has all his limbs and was cared for i dont care if he slept in, up too late, had chocolate for breakfast etc.

in your case, the child is way too young. they were doing night feeds and everything for you. what more do you want! to avoid this in future dont have overnights until child is hardier.

lolajane2009 · 09/04/2012 20:07

you should have looked after him yourself if you only wanted it one way tbh.

lagoonhaze · 09/04/2012 20:08

Your first lesson that you arent in control when they are out of your care.

GrahamTribe · 09/04/2012 20:08

At first I thought you meant that your mother had gone out for the night and left your baby! Now I think that YABU. Your mother heard the baby when he cried, so she fed him. He wasn't alone then. And it's entirely possible that a 5 yo would wake and not go back to sleep for ages if your DM had tried to move her. It's a hell of a lot harder to deal with a stressy 5 yo than a baby who just needs feeding and putting back to sleep.

There is a very simple solution to all this but Wafflepuss has already said it. The other one is to chill out a little. Wink

RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 09/04/2012 20:09

I got a bit confused really about who slept where. I guess your DS wasn't left alone all night, as he was fed, but you are upset that he wasn't in the room where other people were sleeping? If your mum had a monitor and he was comfortable and fed, I think you sound a bit precious. It's always a bit scary when they sleep away the first time, I think you might be a little over anxious about something that wasn't a big deal.

Rosa · 09/04/2012 20:10

YABU

StrandedLindtBunny · 09/04/2012 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ragged · 09/04/2012 20:11

If he wasn't crying for attention I don't see the problem.

Sassybeast · 09/04/2012 20:11

He wouldn't have been alone if you'd kept him home with you.
Your poor mother - am assuming she's doing you all a favour by looking after various grandchildren on a regular basis?

YABU to (presumably willingly) leave him with someone else and then criticise how they look after him.

Goldenbear · 09/04/2012 20:13

You say you're happy with him staying at your mum's but it was the first night he did so and you're explaining how you're not happy.

I know you say it isn't relevant but it does seem quite young especially as you're obviously naturally showing concerns over his care. Do you have to leave him? I wouldn't do so if you're anxious about it all.

MrsMcEnroe · 09/04/2012 20:15

Your mum didn't leave your DS on his own all night. She fed him at 12 and 4. You are having a massive overreaction, although it sounds as though this is your first baby so it is completely understandable and we have all done it Smile

Honestly, your baby will be fine. You may even find that your mum has done you a huge favour - DS may not wake up quite so often during the night now!

Both my DCs slept in their own rooms at about 2 months old and they survived. Your DS does not need to be constantly attended to throughout the night - he needs to sleep, and to learn how to soothe himself back to sleep if he isn't hungry or ill.

Your mum looked after your 9-week-old baby overnight, and presumably you got a good night's sleep while your mum did the night feeds ...?? Time for a bit more gratitude and a lot less attitude, IMVHO.

surroundedbyblondes · 09/04/2012 20:15

My advice to you would be to let it all settle a bit before you address it. Because he's so little, you're understandably upset.

Perhaps with a little time you might not feel so emotional about it.

You are lucky indeed to have parents who will help you out with your LO and take over night feeds. I wish I had had that. I agree that if you can get this support you should take it as being well rested will do you the world of good with such a little baby.

If you were to stride in and make a big issue out of this you might risk losing such a great help and support and that would be a shame.

Cuddle him a little closer tonight, make the most of your special time just you and him and see if you feel able to let this one go, for the sake of the bigger picture.

RedHotPokers · 09/04/2012 20:15

YABU.

There is one clear reason why neither of my DCs stayed overnight with ILs or DParents until they were toddlers: I could not guarantee they would do things the way I would, and I wasn't prepared to risk that with LOs.

Control freak I may be, but you seem to want it both ways. Noone (apart from your DH) is going to look after your newborn the way you would IMO.

VodkaJelly · 09/04/2012 20:17

YABU

everlong · 09/04/2012 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 09/04/2012 20:18

Look after him yourself. No problems then. Nine weeks?

gafhyb · 09/04/2012 20:19

I think that if you want to leave him with GP at this age (not criticising that - I did it for a night when DS1 was 8 weeks old - my parents stayed at our house) then you have to accept that, as long as what they did was not dangerous, then it is what it is.

I think my views are a bit skewed, as well, because I did not sleep in the room with either of mine, and had a baby monitor.

I can understand, that if you had agreed she would be in the room all night, you'd be a bit upset.

Gumby · 09/04/2012 20:19

Jeez don't make a big deal of it

Your mum might refuse to gave him again

A night off will be lovely in years to come

Original poster
kiki22 · 09/04/2012 20:21

She was obviously doing me a favour but i didn't ask for him to be watched over night she wanted him and has for a while he sleeps well so don't need him babysat really.

I am happy in everything else she done the thing was there are 2 other rooms between her bedroom and where DS slept and she DIDN'T have the monitor as she told me she wouldn't need it. My dsd words were 'he deff woke me for his feeds lungs on him' but he doesn't usually scream for a bottle just moans for you to get up so it sounds like maybe he was getting a bit upset by the time they woke.

If she told me he would be alone i would have sent his basket to sleep in or monitor she just could have told me thats all. It's put me off now

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 09/04/2012 20:21

Well, 9 weeks is far too young to be left with someone else, unless that someone else is a staff member where you can insist on them being cared for to the standard you'd like. (and even then, I'm not all that comfortable about it). Free childcare isn't the same as paid for childcare or doing it yourself, the person providing it gets to decide how they care for that child, you either accept their way or look after your DC yourself or pay a professional.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with a child that small being in a room on their own without a monitor and having to scream the place down to be fed, but why did you feel that this tiny baby needed a night away from you? From what you've said he's in a decent routine so it's not like you're getting no sleep. I'd avoid overnights until you're DS is closer to a year, especially as you now know your Mum will say she'll do things the way you want then do what's easier at the time.

JustHecate · 09/04/2012 20:21

What happened was that his grandma looked after him. He was safe, he was warm, he was fed.

Many babies sleep in their own rooms, with carer attending to them as required.

Babies grizzle. They don't actually need to be grabbed and comforted at every sniffle. They will make some small noises and settle back down. When your presence is required - they make sure you hear! Grin

What do you want to do? Tell your mum she must have your baby in with her? There is a limit to what you can demand of someone who is helping you out, you know.

I think demanding an apology is likely to see you without a babysitter for the foreseable future.

If you want your baby cared for overnight - trust that the person who RAISED YOU! Is capable of looking after your baby! Take the monitor over when he sleeps over.