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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset DM left 9 week old alone all night...

341 replies

kiki22 · 09/04/2012 20:00

DS stayed over with my mum last night for the first time he is 9 weeks i know some may say this is to early and why would i want my baby to stay away but i am happy with him staying with his grandparents over night so don't need any advice on that it's what happened last night that i'd like opinions on.

When DS is at home he goes up to the bedroom to his crib about 7 and stays there alone untill i go to bed about 10 with the baby monitor on then is in the room with us the rest of the night. My mum has a bedroom for my niece at her house which isn't used as DN sleeps with DM the plan last night was to settle DS in the kids room and DN in DMs room then swap them at DS 12am feed i was ok with this as DSD would be awake until then.

What actually happened was at 12 they decided not to move the kids incase DN (5) woke up as 'she would be up for ages' at first i thought DSD co-slept in the single bed with DS which i wasn't very happy with anyway since he had his pram he could have slept in as need be but then i was told actually DM DSD and DN all slept together while DS slept down the hall on his own all night apart from his 12 and 4 feeds.

I am so upset not only because of the risks of cot death or any major problem that are unlikely but the thought of my tiny baby waking up all alone during the night. He quite often wakes and moans a little to be settled so even tho it didn't happen if he did wake he would have had to cry loud enough to wake someone sleeping in another room to be comforted by which point he would be very upset. AIBU or would you be upset to? I said something earlier which was brushed off but really feel like i need to tell her it's not acceptable and would like an apology tbh.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/04/2012 20:40

Blimey, what an alarmist thread title...I too thought you meant alone in the house overnight.

Basically, she decided last minute not to wake the 5yr old up, which sounds pretty sensible to me.

If your baby was warm, fed and looked after I don't see the problem...she just did things differently to you.

If there's a next time, pack the baby monitor...although not everyone feels the need to use them.

Flisspaps · 09/04/2012 20:41

My issue here would be that SIDS advice is that babies under 6 months old should be sharing a room when they sleep.

This isn't so you hear them, but so that they hear YOU and it helps them to regulate their breathing and not fall into too deep a sleep. Just because person X or Y left their baby to sleep in another room and they were fine, doesn't change the fact that the research shows that babies should not be sleeping in a room on their own. That goes for when they're napping too - even for those three hours where you yourself have him upstairs on his own.

Yes, his GM loves him, yes he was fed and attended to in the night, but for me that wouldn't be enough.

Then again, I wouldn't leave a 9 week old baby with anyone else overnight unless it was an absolute emergency. PFB 2yo DD has never stayed anywhere overnight without DH and I, but that's a personal choice and not the point here.

However, if you get someone else to look after your child overnight, then you can't police what they do. Have you explained the SIDS guidance to your Mum? If you're not happy with the sleeping arrangements at her house, then as others have said, you could just look after him yourself...

handbagCrab · 09/04/2012 20:43

Yanbu. Wish some people could read that your mum cajoled you into letting your baby stay over, not that you dumped them for a big night out.

There is no reasonable discussion of this though on AIBU as people cannot get past the 'free babysitting' aspect of any such post!

If I were you I wouldn't let mum babysit again until your child is old enough to fend for themselves throughout the night.

MadameChinLegs · 09/04/2012 20:43

Your title is rather misleading in suggesting that your DS was truly alone i.e. in the house alone. The fact that you OKed her to put him alone in a bedroom from 7-12 (not bashing this in anyway as it is what I do with DD), maybe means she thought it was ok that he slept alone the rest of the night too?

JustHecate · 09/04/2012 20:44

to be fair - she didn't even say that until 2/3 of the way down the thread!

nailak · 09/04/2012 20:45

the original plan was obviously unworkable, why would you even contemplated putting a five year old to sleep then moving them at 12? i dont get it.

if i was dns mum and my dd was tired as she had been woken up in the middle of the night and couldnt get back to sleep because of some weird reason that i cant fully understand (i mean why not just put the baby to sleep in gms room and dn to sleep in kids room?) then i would be irritated.

Original poster
kiki22 · 09/04/2012 20:46

i know worra sorry didn't sound like that in my head.

I actually forgot the baby monitor and called to say i'd bring it but she said no i don't need it since she's such a fan of co sleeping i didn't think she would leave him.

If she had just told me i could have sorted out a way we are both happy with i just can't believe she thought it was ok to leave him far enough away he had to scream for attention it's just so unlike her i can't believe it. I may be ott but the thought of him waking up and no one being there until he's screaming upsets me.

OP posts:
LeBOF · 09/04/2012 20:46

The SIDS thing is a bit alarmist nonetheless: on a one-off occasion, the risk is infitessimally small.

OP, I think you are being a bit PFB, but it does sound like you need to be more assertive with your mother if you didn't want to leave him with her overnight. Does she usually pressurise you into things?

maddening · 09/04/2012 20:47

yanbu, your dm wanted to look after ds - you were not asking for free childcare (although I feel free or otherwise is irrelevant). You explained clearly and agreed upon the sleeping arrangements - she went against that and if she had advised you that was the sleeping arrangement then you would not let her have him. She then lied to you about it and brushed off your concerns.

You did trust her to look after your son but now she has broken that trust only you can decide when you can trust her again and she should understand that.

LydiaWickham · 09/04/2012 20:49

I don't buy the 'well I raised you and you didn't die of cot death' line either - yes, lots of parents left DCs on their own, prams in the garden 'crying it out' in the day while they got on, sleeping on their tummies to sleep 'sounder', weaning early and their DCs grew up healthy and fine, that doesn't change the fact that evidence now shows that's not the best way to do it.

It doesn't matter what your mum wants, you are DS's mum, what you say goes, just keep saying 'no thank you'. Or even, "I hated him being away overnight, it's not a help to me so it won't be happening again for a long time." (That way you're not insulting her care, you're just saying it's not something that you want.)

WorraLiberty · 09/04/2012 20:49

Just chalk it up to experience then.

I really wouldn't make a big thing of it now, unless she lives in a huge mansion and the baby was a 5 minute walk away.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/04/2012 20:49

"Now now, the OP has explained her mum offered to take him"

I am currently trying to teach my 9 year old that he does not actually have to do as other children suggest.

If his younger brother tells him to stop doing homework and play nintendo, he needs to use his own judgement.

JustOneMoreQuestion · 09/04/2012 20:49

YABVU

Nine weeks is too young to be left without his mum IMO.
YOU may wake at the first grizzle, but another person will not, as they do not have the mothering instinct like as the mother.

I agree with other posters who have said YABU for the very same reasons they have stated (said better than I could!)

LydiaWickham · 09/04/2012 20:50

Oh and Maddening is right, if you want to waver again, think about that, she will say what you want to hear then do what she wants.

JeelyPiece · 09/04/2012 20:51

I don't get it... Had the plan been for DS to share a bed with your mum? Where would he have slept before she went to bed? What did he end up sleeping in, his pram or another bed or what? Confused

Rowood · 09/04/2012 20:51

My DC number 2 was 3 weeks old when he went in his own room as he was a noisy baby. Best thing I ever did! He is a great sleeper now Grin

PestoPenguin · 09/04/2012 20:52

What is the difference between you allowing him to sleep alone upstairs between when you put him to bed and when you go up and what your DM did during the night Confused? In terms of the SIDS guidelines there is no difference at all. Babies shouldn't sleep alone under 6 months day or night. It isn't about having a monitor on so you can hear them, it's about them being in the same room as an adult. It is the latter that reduces the risk of SIDS.

gafhyb · 09/04/2012 20:53

Quint - I said that because the inference was being made that OP was thinking more about herself, taking advantage of her mum, and out on the razzle. She was happy for her mum to take the baby,the mum wanted to have the baby. This doesn't mean she was negligent. IMO.

Pandemoniaa · 09/04/2012 20:53

So....rather than going out clubbing all night (which the title of your thread suggested) your mother put your 9 week old to bed in a room on his own but got up and fed him twice in the night. That's not quite the picture of neglect I was expecting tbh and now we discover that you forgot to take the monitor, not that your mother refused to use it. So to be fair, you did contribute to the situation.

I think you are being rather U but think that it would be better if you resisted overnight stays for a little while.

IDontWantToBeFatAnymore · 09/04/2012 20:54

Your OP is far too confusing but generally if you have someone else to look after your child you have to accept that they will do things differently.

LadyAlice · 09/04/2012 20:54

9 weeks and you are leaving him and then getting precious about the care! Jeez.

gafhyb · 09/04/2012 20:57

She left him in the care of her mum, because she thought her mum would care for him the way she does. I can understand that

puds11 · 09/04/2012 21:00

Don't let her force you into having him to stay at hers. In my opinion he is to young to be staying the night away from his parents. If you dont like what shes doing, just say your uncomfortable with him not staying in your house, but he can go round in the day/ stay over when he's older. Just because you've raised children, it doesnt mean your really good at it.

Original poster
kiki22 · 09/04/2012 21:00

gafhyb thank you.

Just to be clear i didn't ask i was in my own house 5 mins away sober as a judge incase anything happened.

I let him stay after going tho everything with my mum and since my step dad is a light sleeper and would wake when he's in the room easily, then at the last min suddenly DN was there but i was told don't worry step dad will be up with him then bring him in after his late feed at this point DS with with her and going round to take him back felt a bit much. Really i don't see why she wants him so so much over night she guilts me into it then leaves him when she knows i wouldn't be happy with it to avoid hassle if it's hassle to have him why go on about taking him.

OP posts:
PestoPenguin · 09/04/2012 21:03

If you weren't doing anything else and didn't want to leave him, why did you hand over your 9 week old baby to someone else? Sorry, I genuinely don't get it.

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