to be upset DM left 9 week old alone all night...

[kiki22]

DS stayed over with my mum last night for the first time he is 9 weeks i know some may say this is to early and why would i want my baby to stay away but i am happy with him staying with his grandparents over night so don't need any advice on that it's what happened last night that i'd like opinions on.

When DS is at home he goes up to the bedroom to his crib about 7 and stays there alone untill i go to bed about 10 with the baby monitor on then is in the room with us the rest of the night. My mum has a bedroom for my niece at her house which isn't used as DN sleeps with DM the plan last night was to settle DS in the kids room and DN in DMs room then swap them at DS 12am feed i was ok with this as DSD would be awake until then.

What actually happened was at 12 they decided not to move the kids incase DN (5) woke up as 'she would be up for ages' at first i thought DSD co-slept in the single bed with DS which i wasn't very happy with anyway since he had his pram he could have slept in as need be but then i was told actually DM DSD and DN all slept together while DS slept down the hall on his own all night apart from his 12 and 4 feeds.

I am so upset not only because of the risks of cot death or any major problem that are unlikely but the thought of my tiny baby waking up all alone during the night. He quite often wakes and moans a little to be settled so even tho it didn't happen if he did wake he would have had to cry loud enough to wake someone sleeping in another room to be comforted by which point he would be very upset. AIBU or would you be upset to? I said something earlier which was brushed off but really feel like i need to tell her it's not acceptable and would like an apology tbh.

What bringmesunshine said upthread. I agree with all of it.

Someone else said that they trusted their mum to " follow my wishes" and therefore was not too fussed about the way she would do things.
Well, there ya go, As long as the person looking after your baby is doing what you have both agreed, it's fine.
What the OP is upset about is that her mum did something totally different, and when you are a new parent you are disconcerted enough all the time without anything else unexpected happening.

OP, you are clearly not ready to leave your baby overnight (not that there is anything wrong in leaving him with your mum-there isn't, and women have been helped in this way by female relatives since the dawn of time).
Wait a while, and enjoy your new baby!x

Nine weeks old is too young to be sleeping alone. The risk of SIDS is clearly stated. I can't believe that some people believe you can 'pander' to a child that age by attending their every whimper - that is EXACTLY what they need at that age - fgs they are tiny dependent human beings who are only just adjusting to life outside the womb. I'm sorry but 9 weeks is too young to be away from mum and dad overnight. And as for the jealous comment - how bloody ridiculous! Most people couldn't bear to leave their 9wk old alone overnight, far less be jealous that no one would have them. If I were you OP I wouldn't let your mum 'coax' you into having ds until he is at a much more reasonable age. And no, yanbu f

Sorry, on my phone. Yanbu for being upset he was left alone, but are possibly bu to have been talked into leaving Jim in the first place.

I disagree that nine weeks old is too young to be away from mum overnight, especially not with a caregiver like a grandparent. Why is it too young?

Aaargh - him obviously, not Jim!!

Everything you have said deserves a big fat

And to whoever said the reason parents don't agree with leaving a 9wo is because we are jelous is deluded!

I had my babies to raise them myself. There is a big difference in letting a 2yo stay at gps rather then a 9wo.

I wouldn't even let my 4mo stay away

Exactly what I was thinking Rabbits. Some bloody precious and paranoid views on here. And both my dc (now thriving 10 and 7 year olds) slept in their own rooms from three weeks old.

Btw op maybe try explaining to your mum why your upset to make sure it doesn't happen again. He's still your baby no matter where he is. I don't think yabu in being ypset

I had my babies to raise them myself. There is a big difference in letting a 2yo stay at gps rather then a 9wo

And there is an even bigger difference between raising, and letting your child spend an occasional night with a grandparent.

Some people see a baby as a new addition to the family, and that family includes grandparents.

Everlong I think the problem is that her Mum co-slept (or room shared, not entirely sure) with the OP and her siblings and now does with her DN when she stays. She has been giving the OP a hard time for leaving the baby in his room by himself between 7pm and midnight and they had discussed the sleeping arrangements (DS in with Grandparents). She is shocked/upset that her Mum had gone against all of this and left her 9 week old baby in another room all night. 9 weeks is pretty small to make enough noise to wake sleeping grandparents up from several rooms away, the OP is upset that her DS was really screaming to get attention when this not how she paretns and not how her parents have ever parented either. There were other options as well (buggy/monitor) and this was all because her Mum wanted to have him (kept banging on about it) not because the OP needed a break or wanted him to go. I think posting was a good idea as hopefully it has stopped her having a go at her Mum and given her the space to work out what she wants to do/say about it.

Having children occasionally to give mum a break is not raising them, it's helping out. I had my babies to raise myself too, but I'm not superwoman and I needed the assistance I got from my mum to get by. DS was left by me on his second day in the world, without my mum I don't know what I would have done.

I probably had PFB moments, but I don't recall any, can only advise now that usually given time to reflect, big issues aren't so bad and a little talk is usually enough to resolve it.

Wanting to avoid cot death is "precious and paranoid"?

It seems you didn't completely discuss what would happen with your baby whilst in your mother's care. If it were me I would have given her options - ie to take the monitor in case she did what she ended up doing.

Because young babies are very sensory creatures who are comforted by their own mother's smell, voice, heartbeat etc. Because mothers have instincts which has been proven will cause them to wake should baby need them, which will not necessarily happen with another caregiver. And btw I'm not pfb. My kids are eight, six and 6mths old. Call me precious if you like - I don't really care. As long as I'm keeping my children safe to the best of my ability and ensuring their every need is met then call me what you like - its not much of an insult really. 'God you look after your kids far too much!'

genuine ??????

why would a baby that sleeps in their own room be more likely to suffer SIDS vs a baby that co sleeps in a parents bed

my twins 13yrs ago went straight into there cots in a nursery of their own

my 3rd 5yrs ago slept in moses basket in my room but that was more to do with breastfeeding so i found it easier

Aye, of course the ideal situation is for babies to be with mothers always, but reality is that people get sick/tired/stressed and need a little time. My mother looks like/sounds like me, has a heartbeat and is capable of caring for a baby, giving her a jumper of mine and a blanket that smells like home and I don't see the harm one night away does.

Could do it with my second as she was breastfed/co-slept and boy did I miss that extra help.

Hissboo - it was discussed and the OP was told this the plan last night was to settle DS in the kids room and DN in DMs room then swap them at DS 12am feed i was ok with this as DSD would be awake until then

Thank you all for your nice replys.

I've spoken to my mum and she won't leave him again she thought it would be ok since he's left alone in my house i explained it would be ok with the monitor possibly but i'd much rather he be in the room.

I do totally trust my mum and have no problem leaving the baby with her or my gran i had to leave him at 2 days old for a 4 hours and then quite a lot over the next few days with DP as my grandfather had died and i had things to deal with so i had to get over being away from him quickly. It just surprised me that she's changed the way she has done things for 26 years suddenly and without comment she knew if she asked me to come with the monitor even at 12 it would have happened i think she maybe took to much on with 2 of them and didn't want to admit it lol.

thekidsrule - babies need to hear the mother/parent's breathing and movements to keep stimulating them so they don't fall into too deep a sleep and stop breathing. This is why the SIDS advice is to keep babies in the same room as you for the first 6 months.

Babies who sleep in their own room before six months old are statistically at a higher risk of SIDS as they are more likely to go into a far deeper sleep and be unable to arouse from perfectly normal episodes of sleep apnoea (sp?) that all babies have. They shouldn't even be allowed to nap alone under 6mths, as the sound of an adult breathing, moving etc, regulates their breathing and stops them sleeping too deeply. You can read the exact statistics at SIDS but it doesn't make nice reading. Not being a bitch btw, just stating facts.

TheKidsRule - being in a room with an adult helps to stop a baby sleeping too deeply and 'forgetting' to breathe. Of course lots of babies have their own rooms and live - some less lucky ones die. It is not the highest SIDS risk, but it is a risk and once you know that, then it is up to you, as a parent, to choose whether to take that risk or not. The baby doesn't have to sleep in the parents bed, just the same room.

You didn't have to leave him at all, then or before, you chose to. If you don't like how other people look after your newborn, try keeping hold of him yourself.

And sorry, but no matter how much your mum looks/sounds/smells like you - your baby knows instinctively that it's not you. Not saying you shouldn't have left baby with mum, just that it's not something i'd have done but that is my choice and I respect other people's choices.

It's not something I'd have done either given the choice, but life gets in the way of our ideals sometimes.