to be upset DM left 9 week old alone all night...

[kiki22]

DS stayed over with my mum last night for the first time he is 9 weeks i know some may say this is to early and why would i want my baby to stay away but i am happy with him staying with his grandparents over night so don't need any advice on that it's what happened last night that i'd like opinions on.

When DS is at home he goes up to the bedroom to his crib about 7 and stays there alone untill i go to bed about 10 with the baby monitor on then is in the room with us the rest of the night. My mum has a bedroom for my niece at her house which isn't used as DN sleeps with DM the plan last night was to settle DS in the kids room and DN in DMs room then swap them at DS 12am feed i was ok with this as DSD would be awake until then.

What actually happened was at 12 they decided not to move the kids incase DN (5) woke up as 'she would be up for ages' at first i thought DSD co-slept in the single bed with DS which i wasn't very happy with anyway since he had his pram he could have slept in as need be but then i was told actually DM DSD and DN all slept together while DS slept down the hall on his own all night apart from his 12 and 4 feeds.

I am so upset not only because of the risks of cot death or any major problem that are unlikely but the thought of my tiny baby waking up all alone during the night. He quite often wakes and moans a little to be settled so even tho it didn't happen if he did wake he would have had to cry loud enough to wake someone sleeping in another room to be comforted by which point he would be very upset. AIBU or would you be upset to? I said something earlier which was brushed off but really feel like i need to tell her it's not acceptable and would like an apology tbh.

Kind of agree and disagree brdgrl

I agree that if someone agrees To do something as a favour, that doesn't give them carte Blanche to completely go against your wishes.

However, there are so many of these threads about grandparents looking after grandchildren and not doing things precisely as the parents (well, usually the mum) wants. Maybe it's because it's been school holidays and more people have been leaving their kids with grandparents, I don't know, but the threads are all over the place right now. And I do think that if you are relying on someone to do you a favour, whether it's minding your kids for free while you work, or taking them overnight to give you a break, then while they should respect your views, you cannot dictate every detail of care. The carer may find shortcuts, or find that something is working fine and so they are happy to do it that way (PARTICULARLY true with gps who would have has totally different advice when raising their kids!)

If you want someone with up to date skills and training then use a childcare professional, and as you are paying for a service you can be more in control.

YABU.Left alone indeed!! Your title makes it sound as though he was alone in the house while she had a night out on the tiles! I think you sound like a real drama queen
Lotof people put their babes to sleep in their own room from the outset.Not me but lots do.I think you are being terribly unreasonable to your mother

People do have to get out of the mindset, once they have DCs that they can control everything. You control yourself. If you let someone else take care of them you can tell them what you want them to do but you can't make them do it!

A very pertinent point exotic.
I think you've hit the nail on the head. I guess when people become parents for the first time, you're hit by the vulnerability of the child, and for some mothers this translates into an intense urge to try to control everything.

The thing is- you may have had a baby but the rest of the world hasn't changed. It doesn't mean everyone else is out to 'get you' and ignore your wishes and deliberately upset you. I am sure the granny in the op felt sure she was looking after the grandchild perfectly well- which she was! As a parent you have to reconcile your primal urge to build a 10 foot high wall around your child to keep them totally 'yours', with the fact that they are part of the big wide world from day 1. We all want the best for our kids, but when it becomes an Obsessive need to always want things done a specific way, it's actually going to do more harm than good

Reading threads like this make me paranoid about ever trying to look after someone else's kids. I get it in my head that nothing I do will be good enough. Even if like the Gran in OP, I'm having to juggle the needs of different kids.

My Step-mum is always on about how fussy her DD is about Step-mum's grandson (my step-sis PFBAO). Step-mum is very very nervous about it. The boy is nearly 10yo, and yet still all these rules about what he wears & what he can watch on telly (if at all) & what he can & can't do. SM tries very hard to have a lovely relationship with her grandson, sees him a lot, but her DD has SM literally running in circles with all sorts of strict rules about how everything has to be done. I just could not be such a saint.

Neither could I.
Speaking as a devoted mother of three, I would not expect to dictate how mil looks after my kids...even when they were babies. Having had two of her own, I'm confident she is capable of doing it without a specific set of instructions and a schedule to follow. I'm just thankful of getting a break.

This baby was fed twice through the night, so most certainly was not left alone all night. The rest of the time the baby was, I assume, asleep.....so all was well. Nothing of note happened that night at all. The fact that the OP is moaning because the baby spent some time sleeping in a room on his own, is rude and controlling.

If I was the mil on this occasion, I would put the OP straight.
You trust me or you don't. If you don't then look after him yourself.

I wouldn't be held to ransom over someone else's neurotic demands, no matter who and what they are.

I know friends of my mother who just say 'yes dear, yes dear' and then do their own thing. They find that they eat things that the mother says they won't touch etc.

Haven´t read the whole thread, but OP-if your baby isn´t in your bedroom with you, I´m not sure why it´s such a big deal that his GM didn´t have him in her bedroom either tbh.

Exotic - yeah quite right.
Ok dear, yes dear, that's fine dear, I will dear, I won't dear.
Bye bye now!!

Exotic.

My mum babysits for my cousin and does it her own way. She says to me 'we'll not mention this to xxx alright?'

Now I have my own child I would expect no different lol but I trust her 100% to do her best for my child

Don't take your MIL for granted, she did you a favour!

callmemrs
You are right in saying that I hadn't thought of work as a reason. I don't personally know a single mother who went back to work after less than 4 months maternity leave. (think this fits with how much SMP you get in the UK)
And the two I know who went back at around 4/5 months really didn't want to and were forced to by financial circumstances.

They do exist though elinor. And long ML is a very recent phenomenon. It was only 3 months paid leave when I had my kids. Me and many of my friends returned to work at that stage and it seemed perfectly normal. Not all mothers feel that it's necessary to be within the same room or even the same building as their child for the first 6 months of its life. I would hate to feel anything posted on here is undermining that fact, or making mothers feel bad for being apart from their baby. I have a perfectly good relationship with my (teenage) children btw. It doesn't affect bonding at all. Some mums are happy to co-sleep, use a sling, and literally never be parted from their child for months or even years. But some are happy to do things differently- not worse, just differently. And anyway, most of us are somewhere in the middle of extreme attachment and being totally hands-off; probably because real life is about combining all sorts of different.

Oops- all sorts of different needs.

YABVU if you want your child to be looked after in a certain way, then i'm sorry but the only way to ensure this happens is to do it yourself.

AIBU to ask why you left 9 week old child with DM and DSD?? Where were you that was so important you couldn't have DS with you, you've already said you have a pram he can sleep in if needs be, so even if you were somewhere else other than home, you could have had DS with you? Unless you were somewhere with an age restriction of course??