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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset DM left 9 week old alone all night...

341 replies

kiki22 · 09/04/2012 20:00

DS stayed over with my mum last night for the first time he is 9 weeks i know some may say this is to early and why would i want my baby to stay away but i am happy with him staying with his grandparents over night so don't need any advice on that it's what happened last night that i'd like opinions on.

When DS is at home he goes up to the bedroom to his crib about 7 and stays there alone untill i go to bed about 10 with the baby monitor on then is in the room with us the rest of the night. My mum has a bedroom for my niece at her house which isn't used as DN sleeps with DM the plan last night was to settle DS in the kids room and DN in DMs room then swap them at DS 12am feed i was ok with this as DSD would be awake until then.

What actually happened was at 12 they decided not to move the kids incase DN (5) woke up as 'she would be up for ages' at first i thought DSD co-slept in the single bed with DS which i wasn't very happy with anyway since he had his pram he could have slept in as need be but then i was told actually DM DSD and DN all slept together while DS slept down the hall on his own all night apart from his 12 and 4 feeds.

I am so upset not only because of the risks of cot death or any major problem that are unlikely but the thought of my tiny baby waking up all alone during the night. He quite often wakes and moans a little to be settled so even tho it didn't happen if he did wake he would have had to cry loud enough to wake someone sleeping in another room to be comforted by which point he would be very upset. AIBU or would you be upset to? I said something earlier which was brushed off but really feel like i need to tell her it's not acceptable and would like an apology tbh.

OP posts:
thekidsrule · 09/04/2012 22:24

thank you all,knew some of the facts but not why they should sleep in the same room,intresting

many thanks

gafhyb · 09/04/2012 22:25

If you don't like how other people look after your newborn, try keeping hold of him yourself.

She chose to let he mum look after him because she believed her mum would do so in a similar way to her.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/04/2012 22:26

OP - if you are worried about SIDS then you mustn't put him to bed upstairs on his own for such a long time, you should have him sleeping downstairs and then take him up with you later.

If you are not worried about SIDS then I don't understand why you are stressing about how your mother cared for your baby.

Me personally, I couldn't have left either of my babies overnight at that age. Just tell your Mum no the next time she asks.

CremeEggThief · 09/04/2012 22:26

I too think some posters have been very hard on the OP.
It sounds as if you are not ready to be parted from your DS overnight, so just tell your mum if she asks to have him again that you found it too difficult and you will wait until he is older.

inabeautifulplace · 09/04/2012 22:26

I like mishys post. I think you are so upset because you really aren't ready to be separated from your baby yet. This is really what you need to communicate to your mum. In the future you will have to let go a bit and find the delicate balance between accepting help and having total control. To give you an example, we informed my MIL of medical advice on weaning but she flatly refused to follow it. She cares for my daughter daily and in the end tongues were bit!

I think it was a bit unreasonable for her to change the arrangement if she knew how important it was to you. But she might not be aware of recent research. She is certainly going to be more relaxed than you at this stage.

aquashiv · 09/04/2012 22:28

Whats a DSD when its at home?

Salmotrutta · 09/04/2012 22:28

Nine weeks is not far too young to be left with anyone else if they excercise a bit of common sense.
The OPs mum heard the baby crying and fed him. OK - she didn't have the monitor and that wasn't ideal but the OP should have left the monitor for just this scenario.
My mum had to leave all of us plus my newborn brother with one of my Grans (dad worked shifts and in those days paternity leave didn't exist) due to emergency admittance to hospital, but amazingly we all survived Hmm.
Oh, and there were no monitors in those days either.

gafhyb · 09/04/2012 22:28

I agree with that.

gafhyb · 09/04/2012 22:29

my last post was to inbeautifulplace

Salmotrutta · 09/04/2012 22:32

I should add that my post is in response to someone upstream saying 9 weeks is far too young for a baby to be away overnight.

Sometimes circumstances overtake us.

VelmaDaphne · 09/04/2012 22:33

There is no way on earth I would have left either of my kids (PFB or his brother!) with someone else who was already looking after 2 other children! So in my view that was unreasonable, unless there was a serious compelling reason for you to be somewhere else. (not read whole thread so maybe I've missed serious reason).

YANBU to be annoyed at the sleeping arrangements, assuming you explained to your Mum how you wanted things and why.

LilBlondePessimist · 09/04/2012 22:33

Agree with Alibaba. Also, obviously if circumstances/emergencies dictate a situation then that is not ideal, but totally different from choosing to do something or being badgered into it when it's not necessary.

mathanxiety · 09/04/2012 22:36

I honestly do not understand why you gave in to the request to have him overnight. Babies are not toys to share around. There was no medical emergency involved. It wasn't necessary.

'I like mishys post. I think you are so upset because you really aren't ready to be separated from your baby yet. This is really what you need to communicate to your mum.'

I agree with this. Stand up to your mum now that you are a mother or you will have more run ins. If she pooh poohs what you tell her about your feelings, then you have double the reason not to give in to her. When you have a baby you need to grow a bit of a backbone.

JeelyPiece · 09/04/2012 22:39

OP your mum shouldn't be bed sharing with your DS anyway. I have done a fair bit of reading around this, as I share a bed with DH and 12mo DS, and it is recommended that only bfing mothers share a bed with their baby.

At 9 weeks old he should have been in a crib/basket in the same room as your mum all the time. Though I agree with others who say this is pretty young to be spending the night away from you.

MickyDodger · 09/04/2012 22:40

"She chose to let he mum look after him because she believed her mum would do so in a similar way to her."

It would appear she was wrong.

"'I like mishys post. I think you are so upset because you really aren't ready to be separated from your baby yet. This is really what you need to communicate to your mum.'"

This doesn't make sense. OP says she left the baby at 2 days old and several times since, so its hardly a new thing.

Kayano · 09/04/2012 22:43

My 6 week old slept over at my mums the other day. In a cot with a
Monitor.

Alone

Just as she does at home. I don't see much difference between them being alone in a room from 7 -12 and all night.

What's the point of moving them? Just pick one Confused

kittyandthefontanelles · 09/04/2012 22:46

What lilblond said. All of it.

skybluepearl · 09/04/2012 23:00

I never would have left my kids to sleep at thier grannys at 9 weeks. I can't imagine either granny would want to be awake on and off during the night to look after my babies and I would hate the thought of them being ignored or not heard at such a young age. Also theres the SIDS thing to consider. I hope you managed to talk things through anyway.

LilBlondePessimist · 09/04/2012 23:01

Thanks kitty, it's just a topic I feel very strongly about. And kayano, the fact that you have chosen to ignore the risk of SIDS is exactly that, your choice. Doesn't make it right though. A few people have already pointed out that leaving baby upstairs alone from 7-12 is just as bad. Whether the OP decides to act on that or not is up to her, I suppose she feels that in that circumstance she has a monitor, although that doesn't actually make it any safer for baby.

blubberyboo · 09/04/2012 23:02

at 9 weeks after giving birth we still have a strong hormonal attachment so to be honest you probably just didn't want to be separated at all and that is what is annoying you most . my dc3 is 17 wks now and i hate even leaving him with my DH to go to the supermarket or anything as i don't think he will do things the way i do. but of course he is always fine when i return.
However, it is inevitable that when someone else looks after them that they will do something slightly differently and that can be really hard to deal with. I feel for the mothers who have to go back to work 2- 6 weeks after giving birth and leave their babies with a childminder or relative as this must be a problem all the time.

you actually said that baby was sleeping down the hall (not in another room) which would imply to me that they either live in a bungalow and baby was sleeping outside their bedroom, or in a 2 storey house and baby was out on the landing - so really was he was just in earshot outside their door ?( rather than in another closed room)...if this was the case a monitor wasn't necessary. personally i don't feel he would've come to any harm. with a few other kids in the house up late at night there would have been plenty of noise for your lo to hear most of the night anyway

I wouldn't make a huge deal of it as you will just cause a rift with mum - but listen to your hormones in future and keep the wee man at home til he's a little older

splashymcsplash · 09/04/2012 23:12

I found your OP incredibly confusing. I don't think that moving children in the middle of the night was a good idea anyway!

I can understand you wanting to have your baby sleep in the same room as someone else at night due to guidelines regarding SIDS but you're mum is doing you a favour and if you are particular about this you should be looking after your own baby. I do agree with others that 9 weeks is extremely early to leave a baby for the night. My 18 month old dd has never spent an entire night away from me or her dad.

Do you really need to leave such a young baby for the night?

kittyandthefontanelles · 09/04/2012 23:19

Me too, lilblond. Also, the baby needs to sense its mother (or at least father) for the FSIDS guidelines to have full effect not just AN-other caregiver. My daughter is nearly 5 months and has never been out of my sight. My choice, granted, but a choice built on science and maternal instinct.

LilBlondePessimist · 09/04/2012 23:29

I suppose I just don't understand why anyone would choose to allow their nine wk old baby to be away overnight unless they had to. I have been away from my eldest two (8 and 6) overnight exactly four times (one was birthing my middle son, and one birthing my youngest), and that is my choice. I adhere strictly to SIDS guidelines, and that is also my choice. I understand that others choose differently, I just don't really understand why.

pumpkinsweetie · 09/04/2012 23:39

YABU, your parents sound lovely for even contemplating looking after a 9 week old over night.
He wasn't left alone he was fed twice during the night and well cared for.
Unfortunetly you cannot have routine with gps. It wouldn't have done him any harm sleeping im a separate room for the night-i personally have never allowed my babies babysat overnight at such a young age but that was my choice (couldnt bare to be parted with my babies when so youngSmile) but if i had this situation wouldn't upset me as they haven't put your baby in any danger and were doing you a huge favour taking on such a huge responsibilty so you could have a rest.
Be grateful u have such loving, giving parents x

crazygracieuk · 09/04/2012 23:52

OP- Do you know how heavy 5 year olds are? I have one and he weighs a tonne and I'm a healthy 33 year old who is reasonably fit. Maybe you mum chickened out of moving DN because of his size? Does DN normally sleep with Gran? If he does maybe they got cold feet about moving DN because he could be very distraught if he woke up alone?

At the end of the day your pfb was fine and I think you have learned not to repeat this for a few more months.