to be upset DM left 9 week old alone all night...

[kiki22]

DS stayed over with my mum last night for the first time he is 9 weeks i know some may say this is to early and why would i want my baby to stay away but i am happy with him staying with his grandparents over night so don't need any advice on that it's what happened last night that i'd like opinions on.

When DS is at home he goes up to the bedroom to his crib about 7 and stays there alone untill i go to bed about 10 with the baby monitor on then is in the room with us the rest of the night. My mum has a bedroom for my niece at her house which isn't used as DN sleeps with DM the plan last night was to settle DS in the kids room and DN in DMs room then swap them at DS 12am feed i was ok with this as DSD would be awake until then.

What actually happened was at 12 they decided not to move the kids incase DN (5) woke up as 'she would be up for ages' at first i thought DSD co-slept in the single bed with DS which i wasn't very happy with anyway since he had his pram he could have slept in as need be but then i was told actually DM DSD and DN all slept together while DS slept down the hall on his own all night apart from his 12 and 4 feeds.

I am so upset not only because of the risks of cot death or any major problem that are unlikely but the thought of my tiny baby waking up all alone during the night. He quite often wakes and moans a little to be settled so even tho it didn't happen if he did wake he would have had to cry loud enough to wake someone sleeping in another room to be comforted by which point he would be very upset. AIBU or would you be upset to? I said something earlier which was brushed off but really feel like i need to tell her it's not acceptable and would like an apology tbh.

Nine weeks isn't too young to be with another caregiver(whoever said that), my DS went from his third week to my mum's house on a Friday night. But I only told her what he needed, and let her get on with it her way, as I trusted her to follow my wishes, and wasn't precious about how she went about things.

I think you need to calm down, then consider what you are really unhappy with and whether it is worth a) talking to your mum about and b) not allowing your DS away overnight until older.

christ my much younger friend asked me to babysit her son at 2weeks old (from 6pm till midday next day) last month

i was a bit (how can you leave him) she had no problem what so ever,i couldnt of done it with mine

the baby did sleep in my room in a travel cot,and i didnt get a wink of sleep between night feeds i was knackered the next day

i have done this overnight twice since,its a big responsibility to give somebody,so think if you really want a break remember the sitter is putting herself out for you

There's no rule to say that your DM has to get everything she wants. I'd never have let DS stay overnight at 9wks old, even with my parents, because his place was with me. You are the mother, you choose where he stays. Clearly you aren't happy with him staying there so if she asks again, politely decline.

OP is 9 weeks in with first baby. Her mum wants to look after baby, presumably knackered and trying ensure DM who she thought she shared an ethos with got to share the joy, baby stays over. It wasn't the arrangements OP had anticipated, and she would have been ok with that had it been discussed with her first and she could raise a view or provide a monitor or vocalise then rationalise fears.

OP has been told sleeping in separate room increases SIDS risk. Unsurprisingly she feels upset. Perhaps when she is on baby number 3 and 10 years older she might look back and think "haha pfb" but for now she is muddling along sorting out all manner of relationship changes within her marriage, friendships, work, mother and most if all self. Did empathy get up and leave the thread?

OP some replies come from people who come across as so 'voice of experience, sorted' they were once parent to 9 week old pfb too, and am sure they were as worriedabout what to do for the best. I, have made many misjudgements I barely know how to count them :)

No real advice OP otherthan, no harm this time but if repeat performance talk with your mum about sleeping arrangements beforehand.

Take no notice of the posters making snidey comments about DS satying at your DM's at 9wo, they're probably just jealous they didn't have anyone they trusted enough to give them a break overnight. My DS stayed with my DM for the first time at 8wo and I didn't worry for a second, I just enjoyed the blissful sleep!

YAB a bit U, your DM is not going to let any harm come to your DS, and in the unlikely event of him lying awake and alone, he's already forgotten it. Don't worry so much. My philosophy when it comes to childcare 'differences' with my DM is to remember that she managed to raise me and my DB to be healthy, intelligent, professional adults, so I'm quite sure she can look after my DS for a night without doing him serious harm.

*staying, obviously.

Nope, not jealous .

Kiki - I can totally see why you are upset.

I think the best thing to do though, is just leave it for now. Next time she asks to have him stay over just say 'No Mum, I don't sleep well when he's not here - let's wait until he's a bit bigger' keep fobbing her off for a few months when he's old enough to make his needs known without getting too upset.

Given everything you have said, I don't really see why she thought leaving him in a room by himself was a good idea - but hey ho.

He's OK, so try not to worry about it anymore. It will not have hurt him to cry a bit for one night - he was still fed, so it's not like he went all night.

Also, you might want to stop settling him randomly in the night, he needs to learn to settle himself or you will set yourself up for a whole lot of hassle in the months to come. It's different if you are co-sleeping and bf, but if you are sleeping separately and he's in a good feeding routine - you'd be best not to mess with that by settling him everytime he stirs.

Yabu. He wasn't on his own they were in another room, they heard him wake at 12 & 4. I suggest if you feel this way to perhaps look after him yourself esp at only 9 weeks

Don't let your dm guilt you into having your baby over night. He is YOUR baby

Is there really any need for the nasty posts?

9 week old babies can be looked after by other people, they don't melt. If you personally aren't happy doing it, then fine, but there is absolutely no need so be so bloody nasty to the OP. None at all.

IDontWantToBeFatAnyMore, I didn't see a snidey comment from you, so don't know why you feel the need to assert your non-jealousy? Was just trying to provide the OP with a possible explanation as to why certain posters felt the need to act like utter bitches make unhelpful comments when the OP had clearly stated she did not need 'advice' on whether or not to allow her DS to stay at her DM's overnight.

I dont understand all the vitriol towards the OP for letting her mum have her grandchild overnight. It is her own mother, not a stranger... and presumably not someone who is incapable of caring for a small baby.

Can understand you might be upset as 9 weeks is young & you have your own way of doing things BUT (as others have said) if you're going to leave him you have to accept things may be done differently so you need to chill out a bit. If he's all ok and in one piece then what's the prob. If you're really not happy don't leave him again. BTW 9 weeks isn't too early I left my DS with my mum for 1 night at 6 weeks I may have gone crazy if not I was sooooooooo tired

YABU.

I would not have been happy with a 9 week old sleeping alone. I know we all choose which risks to take but that isn't a risk I would have been happy with.

However, I think if you feel strongly about something like that, you shouldn't be leaving a little baby with other people overnight. Maybe save the sleep overs til your baby is 6 months+.

And yes, most babies who sleep alone survive, some don't though.

everlong I guess she wanted to know if being upset about DS sleeping in a room on his own was unreasonable/PFB or not, and to get other mothers' opinions on that one issue. I can understand that, I've had to stop and give myself a bit of a shake a few times when my DM's done something with DS I didn't agree with. As I said above, I remind myself she's raised 2 perfectly healthy children to adulthood, and that even if something she does is not the way I would do it, a one-off will do my DS no harm.

I can understand why you are feeling upset OP. However, I suspect that your upset stems from you not feeling comfortable being separated from your baby so early, rather than your Mum doing things differently to how you would like.

You clearly are uncomfortable with being apart from him right now and I would just give it some time before your try and overnight again.