Partner of 8 years has just bought a motorbike

[CockyPants]

After I told him I would leave him if he did. Have seen too many half dead bikers in a and e, and we have a 5 year old dd together. Only found out today after I opened letter from dvla, I thought it was pension stuff that I'd been dealing with for him this week. I'm so angry that I feel like packing my stuff and taking dd to my parents.

oh dear

you need to speak to him before doing anything hasty

I can sympathise as I've lost quite a few biker friends over the years but I'd never ask DH to give up his beloved bike. It's part of who he is and although I worry much more now that we have DS I still couldn't demand he gives up the life he loves.

I think the deeper issue here though is that he's totally ignored your threat and gone behind your back.

Hope you can work it out.

Spot on, Alberto. That's why I am so angry. While he was checking his work emails, I was standing right behind him, which he knew as we were chatting and an email called re bike insurance don't tell the wife leapt out of the subject matter headings. I asked him about it, he said it was from his brother, true, but it was his brother wanting to buy a bike not him at all. He did admit looking at bike insurance too, as I'd received an email from Tesco insurance on my iPad, so I asked him what was going on. What a fool I am.

you said you would leave him if he got a bike really ? My husband has gone through the motorbike stage in his early 30s so been there done that , and if somebody takes lessons its no more dangerous that a car , I dont think you can force another adult to not do something , he probably bought it to spite you maybe wants you to leave ?

Mrs jay, perhaps he is hoping I'll leave. And he won't look like the bad guy cos I'm obviously being unreasonable...

sorry that was Harsh I typed out of malice sorry . but you really cant hold ultimatums like that over somebody else , no you dont want him having a motorbike and yes you have seen terrible accidents , but you said you would leave him if he went against your wishes , there has to be a better compromise ,

()

HIBU. You have valid concerns, which he doesn't seem to care much about. I would be deeply unimpressed with the immature attitude, the lies, and the selfishness. He has only just bought ti so it can't be 'part of him'.

I would be furious if DH bought a motorbike. He would either take it back or he would be out.

I can understand your concerns, someone close to me nearly died as a result of a bike accident, however I think YABU to insist with the sanction of leaving him that he doesnt get one!

That comes across as controlling even though I can understand your worries about it.

TBH he lied because you said what you said about leaving if he gets one by the sound of it.

Actually mrs jay I thought you had a valid point, harsh though it may be for me to hear.
I think he is being selfish. And I don't appreciate being lied to either.

Well I don't think you can dictate to him what he does and does not do but he shouldn't have gone behind your back like that.

DH got a motorbike 2 years ago as his commute to East London was taking crazy amounts of time. I was a bit concerned but he is very sensible. He started on a 125 to do his test then after 6 months moved up to a 650. He does not drive racing bikes and he does not hare around the roads like a nutter. He has a very good helmet and fully protective clothing and always wears them. He also took these 2 courses which are invaluable for any biker IMO.

www.bikesafe-london.co.uk/ - they have them all over the country

www.motorcycleinfo.co.uk/index.cfm?fa=contentGeneric.twhhyjzpxapzkouq&pageId=93969

Has he even passed his test yet?

I understand it is controlling. I hoped he would see how against it I was for me to choose to leave. He either thinks I'm lying about leaving, or doesn't care if I leave or not.

I cant stand ultimatums. Emotional blackmail never ends well.

Yes, he passed his test in last 6 months or so, all 3 parts. At the time he swore blind that he would not get a bike. I believed him.

He is your husband not your child - yes they are dangerous, but I assume he has had a license a lOng time,

No he should y have lied to you - but then you can't dictate To him like this.

If family finances mean he can't afford one - that's different

Yes OP he has been selfish in my book. To go behind you back isn't on. A good friend of mine recently died in an accident, I do believe they are far more dangerous than cars.

It's also a bloody big purchase for himself isn't it?

He probably thinks that you wouldnt end your marriage over something like this!

He is doing something he wants, thats his crime?

I think you would be mad to end your marriage over this.

Cocky,

How would you feel if your husband told you that he would leave you if you did something perfectly lawful that you enjoyed doing? You may not appreciate being lied to but he probably does not appreciate being blackmailed, which is what you are trying to do.

Why would he take the test if not to get a bike?

Why did you think he was doing his test if he was not going to get a bike? What a waste of time and money!

Bikes CAN be dangerous but not if people are sensible.

What does he want it for? Going to work or mucking about with his mates.

I would never give DH a serious ultimatum like that TBH. It is his life. I can say I would be very upset if you did xxx but I can't stop him in the end.

I have to be honest and say if my (much adored) DH threatened me like that to make me tow his way of thinking - I'd bloody well go out and do what ever it was he was banning - just to make a point.

You cannot blackmail someone like this without causing massive damage to your relationship.

Well, he thinks it's an empty threat, that's why.

You do of course have every right not to accept it - but it would mean that you did leave. I would however be more angry about him going behind your back, and I'd be asking him why he'd decided to put your relationship on a footing alongside that of liars and cheats. Does he want a relationship where you lie to one another to get your way? Ask him to think very carefully about that.

FWIW I agree. I've known two people killed on bikes. It's not them, it's other drivers. You are many times more vulnerable on a bike, everyone knows that - you don't have to be driving like a loon.

One guy I know who died - his bike skidded on an icy patch one morning, he was thrown off and through the windscreen of a stationary car. Died instantly.

In a car, it would have probably meant a buckled wing.

So. If he told you he wouldn't get a bike, and he is not a man who lies to his wife, then there is not going to be a bike... is there??

Why doesn't giving ultimatums not work? It does in my book. Most of us imperfect humans do. Only thing OP is saying them and carrying them through. If you're not prepared to do what you say don't say it.

Good question, larry. Depending on what it was I wanted to do, I'd listen to what he had to say. If it was valid and opinion a reasonable person would have, I'd think again rather than just going ahead and doing it anyway.