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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner of 8 years has just bought a motorbike

191 replies

CockyPants · 05/04/2012 15:03

After I told him I would leave him if he did. Have seen too many half dead bikers in a and e, and we have a 5 year old dd together. Only found out today after I opened letter from dvla, I thought it was pension stuff that I'd been dealing with for him this week. I'm so angry that I feel like packing my stuff and taking dd to my parents.

OP posts:
Astr0naut · 05/04/2012 19:17

And that's why you're oppressed dh, because you can't spell y-ending plurals.

Now stop trying to hijack this thread, get yourself a username, something like...KitchenSerft, and post under your own bloody name.

GrahamTribe · 05/04/2012 19:19

Peppa, take the bike out of the equasion and substitute it with "own a cat", "go hiking" or "become a netball referee" and personally I'd still be saying the same. You're right, this isn't a bike issue, the issue is whether it's okay to tell someone that they may not indulge in a perfectly legal activity and that if they do you will take their child away from them and from the family home. And that's not right!. It's not on, it's not reasonable and it sure as hell isn't going to make the DP any safer or the little girl more likely to still have a father in 10 years time.

MissFaversham · 05/04/2012 19:20

OP for some reason (and we know don't we) because the thread's opener was about bikes it's been overtaken by tossers. Take no notice (men on mumsnet make me cringe by the way). They are either wimps, controlling nosey bastards or twats. I'm going to bloody gate crash a stoopid masons meeting soon, can feel it in my water Grin

Original poster
CockyPants · 05/04/2012 19:28

Hello again, how do I get the thread moved, please? Am relatively new to MN.

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 05/04/2012 19:32

"because the thread's opener was about bikes it's been overtaken by tossers. Take no notice (men on mumsnet make me cringe by the way). They are either wimps, controlling nosey bastards or twats."

Hmm

There's been, to my knowledge, just one man on this thread and he's been funny, good natured and lovely. I hope you're not for real or I might begin to think that a certain organisation for fathers has a point about elements of MN after all.

OP I think that you might need to report your own thread to the MN Mods.

Original poster
CockyPants · 05/04/2012 19:34

Some of your posts have made me snork n chortle! I was beginning to think I had been unreasonable, but now I'm just effing angry.
Luckily I'm not married to dp, and the house is in my name cos I own it outright. P is a brilliant hands on father, and I don't want to deprive dd of having him in her life.
Now the issue is not the bike, it's the breach of trust, and whether I can be in a relationship with someone I don't trust. And whether this breach can be mended.
JOY.
Ps mr astronaut sounds in need of greater oppression, iMHO!

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 05/04/2012 19:35

MissFaversham thats rude and uncalled for. the thread wasnt 'taken over by tossers' several people posted to say the OP was being a bit unreasonable...which is what she asked for given that this is AIBU?

think there was a mix of YABU/YANBU, but yes pop over to relationships if there are bigger issues, you'll deffo get lots of legit support and on the other hand will also be told its all his fault and YANBU.

Original poster
CockyPants · 05/04/2012 19:37

And I should definitely dump the bastard!!!

OP posts:
takingiteasy · 05/04/2012 19:48

All the female bikers I know learnt post children. I was booking up for my test when I found out I was pregnant!

Anyway, OP, and your P, you are both BU.

You for issuing ultinatums, and him for lying but he kind of had to lie didn't he?

Original poster
CockyPants · 05/04/2012 19:49

Ultimatum was prob unreasonable, choosing to lie? He's a grown man, not a child.

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 05/04/2012 19:55

Just bear in mind, CockyPants, that while you're wondering whether you can live with someone you can't trust (though it's no biggie to me, he's hardly been shagging the milklady!), he may be wondering whether he can live with someone who tells him what he can and cannot do and who threatens to take his child away from him if he doesn't comply. Whether you (or I, or others) think you are right or wrong is kind of immaterial, it's whether you can compromise and respect each other a little more that matters.

takingiteasy · 05/04/2012 19:56

A grown man who is having his freedom to make his own decisions restricted.

takingiteasy · 05/04/2012 19:59

He has made you look like a bit of an arse though, by hiding it and all the 'don't tell the mrs' stuff.

I'd be mad at that. My DH has friends who say things like that when it comes to spending money on their hobby etc and I've made it clear to DH how angry that makes me. I'd rather he was honest and I'd just like or lump what it was he was being honest than he made a tit out of me.

6bikesandcounting · 05/04/2012 19:59

"Now the issue is not the bike, it's the breach of trust"

Is that the breach of trust that you will threaten to leave him every time he dose something you dont want him to do.

Relationships a built on support and encouragement as well as trust. Trust was broken because the other parts broke down.

This can be a huge issue or a tiny one depending on what is done next. A little support for his hobby and understanding you cannot be part of / in control of everything in his life.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 20:03

peppa I have not "decided to go along with anything".

I love my husband very much, his bike is a part of him, I would never do anything to make him unhappy, and he would be unhappy without his bike.

As his happiness is as important to me as my own, and if he was unhappy I would be too, I happily put my concerns to one side.

No doubt I could bring pressure to bear and guilt trip him into not riding, but why would I want to do that, to satisfy myself??????

And it wouldn't matter if it was a bike, fishing or eating smelly cheese.

And aside from my love and respect for him - he is an adult and an equal, not one of the children, therefore, so lon ad he remains a good an loving father and husband, he is entitled to make up his own mind, about things thT are important to him.

I am sure he feels exactly the same way about me.

EostreAngelofchocolateeggs · 05/04/2012 20:09

The OP is BU to issue the ultimatum.

Her DP is BU to lie to her, both about the bike and the mortgage interview. Oh, and no he didn't have to lie, he could have told her from the start, he chose not too.

Spuddybean · 05/04/2012 20:13

I would be very angry OP. I have told DP if he does things as i would leave - these include getting a motorbike, going back to afghanistan or joining the police in a country where they carry guns. These are not 'ultimatums' but just repurcussions of decisions he is entitled to make. Just as he can choose to do these things - i can choose to say 'well the constant worry isn't the life for me'.

It is different if someone has already done this since you met them. But the change can be unnacceptable no matter how legal. What if someone took up smoking? Drinking heavily? fundamental religious beliefs? fanatical body building?

QuintessentialShadows · 05/04/2012 20:14

Hmmm. Interesting.

You dont want him to own a bike in case he has an accident and leave your dd fatherless. So you decide to dump him, and make your dd live without her dad in her life after all. Does not that make you the callous one, not him?

RuleBritannia · 05/04/2012 20:17

If the house is yours, why are you the one doing the leaving?

Kayano · 05/04/2012 20:19

I think if you issue such ultimatums you probably don't love him as much as you think you do in the first place.

Harsh but that's my honest opinion

Fair enough if it was 'I will leave you if you cheat' etc but to stop him having a hobby e would really like to partake in is a bit Hmm controlling

pinkyredrose · 05/04/2012 20:21

Quintessential - my thoughts exactly!

Kayano · 05/04/2012 20:21

I don't know any bikers at all by they way but still think YABU

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/04/2012 20:23

I wonder what other ultimatums the OP has issued?

LydiaWickham · 05/04/2012 20:23

The thing is, if he wanted a bike, knowing how you feel (and assuming you aren't lotto winners so this is a large amount of money to buy/tax/insure for you), the sensible thing to do would be to sit you down, explain he wanted to buy one, try to convince you it was a good idea. Or at least tell you before he bought it. But just getting it, lying about the insurance etc, shows he doesn't respect you. That would annoy me far more than the actual getting the bike.

He wasn't trying to prove nothing had changed, he was trying to hide something from you because he's not man enough to have the conversation with you.

I'd throw him out, telling him it's not the bike, it's about the lying, cheating and that you no longer can trust him. tell him to go think about how he's going to convince you to trust him again.

Spuddybean · 05/04/2012 20:25

I totally disagree Kayano i have also told male partners i would leave them if they grow their hair (i particularly hate long hair on men - i find it repulsive and i could not possibly have sex with someone with long hair without vomitting). I have been told they would leave me if i cut my hair short (same reasons-ish). I think regardless of how much you love someone there are things you just can't tolerate. However 'shallow' they may seem.