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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner of 8 years has just bought a motorbike

191 replies

CockyPants · 05/04/2012 15:03

After I told him I would leave him if he did. Have seen too many half dead bikers in a and e, and we have a 5 year old dd together. Only found out today after I opened letter from dvla, I thought it was pension stuff that I'd been dealing with for him this week. I'm so angry that I feel like packing my stuff and taking dd to my parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
CockyPants · 05/04/2012 17:10

Thanks, slobbery chops. There's probably loads of folks out there putting up with this sort of crap, and much much worse...

OP posts:
PeppaIsBack · 05/04/2012 17:11

But that's why I took the example of the spider.
Been afraid of spider is irrational (whereas you could argue that the fear of a motobike accident isn't). But I can not imagine a loving partner brining a spider in the home as a 'pet' despuite the fact that he knows his partner is completely scred of them.
So why doing it with the bike?

I am sorry but someone who would start an activity that is making me sick everytime dh is out in bad weather or is 5 mins late home would be very high in my esteem.

You might have choosen to accept to be worried sick so that your partner can enjoy a fun hobby but not everyone has to and should.

PeppaIsBack · 05/04/2012 17:12

sorry I meant would NOT be very high in my esteem.

NarkedPuffin · 05/04/2012 17:14

I certainly don't lay my irrational fears on his shoulders

Being worried about the increased risk of injury is not an irrational fear.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 17:18

He didnt start it - I said further down he has ridden for ever - but my feelings changed when I had DCs with him.

When I said I know how OP feels I meant it.

Actually the highest risk category for death/serious injury are born again bikers - who haven't ridden for a long time but can now afford the sort of bikes that were race bikes in their day.

OPs DP is in a low risk category - as is my DH.

slobberychops · 05/04/2012 17:19

At the risk of being sexist, men can just be so selfish. Even the best of them.

Did he explain the mortgage interview?

Kayano · 05/04/2012 17:20

I think if you can leave him over a hobby that many people indulge or even threaten to
Your relationship is not all that and has issues other than a bike

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 17:21

And it's not a hobby - you do know you don't need a car license to ride a bike.

The question "what is a biker" is endlessly debated - and there is no answer - as I said earlier it gets in the blood.

Fact is the DP isn't bringing a spider into the house - and if he wanted one enough - he could keep one in someone else house.

NarkedPuffin · 05/04/2012 17:21

The risk IMO isn't the bikers themselves - apart from a few risk taking muppets that you'd find in any given group of people. The risk is car/van/lorry drivers.

TerrierMalpropre · 05/04/2012 17:22

There's nothing for it but to leave the bastard. Sorry.

AmberLeaf · 05/04/2012 17:24

Risk also depends on how he plans to use his bike though, if hes going to commute on it twice a day then yes = increased risk, but if like many 'bikers' it will be a weekend/fair weather passtime then the risk would be lower.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 17:26

I stand to be corrected by stats Amber but my understanding anecdotally is it's the other way around - weekend warriors are far more likely to have an accident than regular comuters.

Xales · 05/04/2012 17:33

I think there is more to this than buying a bike.

First off he took bikes lessons but wasn't going to buy a bike? Pull the other one it has bells on it. Naive as that makes you that you believed him.

He lied to you.

He went out bike searching. He lied by omission.

He was talking about bikes on the pc. He lied to you.

He arranged insurance and actually bought a bike. He lied to you.

He decided that you not wanting him to have a bike due to what you have seen was unimportant. Your opinion was unimportant. The fact that you would consider this a valid reason to leave him was unimportant. Does that mean he considers your relationship unimportant?

Do you have joint finances that he has decided he is entitled to a chunk from to buy a bike, tax and insure it, plus all the safety wear he will need.

He is also looking at mortgages without your knowledge. Does he want out of your relationship and this is his way of starting to tell you? Was he planning on getting a house and moving out or telling you that you and DD were moving with him done deal?

I would pack your bags and go to your parents for the weekend and have a long think calmly without an argument. Is the getting the bike a deal breaker or all the lying and devious behaviour and lack of caring about your opinions?

I am a biker BTW.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 17:35

DCs are awaken from nap so have to go - was just discussing the accident issue with him.

He says he thinks experience counts for a lot. That those who ride less are less likely to spot danger but they tend to only ride in summer/good weather.

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2012 17:35

Just going to flip this on it's head for a minute OP....

I want to buy a motorbike but my Husband is blackmailing me and has said if I do, he'll leave me

"Buy the biggest bike you can find"

"This is emotional abuse"

"Leave the control freak"

"He married you but he doesn't own you"

Hmmmm........

Astr0naut · 05/04/2012 17:36

i am Astr0naut's DH, I am not allowed a motorcycle. Let him have it. I may go against my DW orders and buy one now. Up the oppressed brotherhood

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 17:41

Oy who you calling oppressed - my dh isn't oppressed Grin.

Mind you neither am I - if I said to. Dh I wanted to go back packing around Iraq to find myself - and he thought it would make me happy.

He'd find a way to encourage me to regardless of his own fears.

Because we are like that. :).

Perhaps that's why the do as I say or I'll leave you idea leaves me so cold.

( disclaimer I said way back I wouldn't be happy if it destroyed the family finances but the Op hasnt made that an issue).

And now I really need to go :).

ThisIsANickname · 05/04/2012 17:45

I don't think that I can give a fair answer because I was raised on the back of a motorbike. Eventually, I am going to get one of my own. If my DH has a problem with this, I will do everything I can to put him at ease but at the end of the day if he tries to blackmail me with an ultimatum I will tell him that he can shove it up his arse.
He does not get to control me using emotional blackmail (which I think I'd get the support of the majority on here for) and I don't know why people would think that it would be acceptable to do the other way around.

GrahamTribe · 05/04/2012 17:45

You don't want to have your kid grow up without a father or you to live without a partner so you decide that if he won't do as you say you'll leave him. Okaaaaay, how does that work then? Because my reckoning tells me that if you leave him you'll be living without that partner and your kid will just spend less than half the amount of time with her father than she does now.

And that he'll have just as much chance of being dead as he would before, as he'll have the bike regardless of whether, indeed particularly if, you leave him.

So what would you achieve?

Apart from how dumbassed your threat is, you're totally out of order IMHO. Your DH is an adult, not a child. What gives you the right to tell him what he can do or to blackmail him into doing what you want him to. Very bluntly, if I were him, I'd say go, lady, and leave your key on the table as you walk out.

Congratulations to your DP on passing his test. I hope that he enjoys many years of safe, sensible biking, just as the vast majority of the many hundreds of thousands of men and women do across the world.

PeppaIsBack · 05/04/2012 17:47

AstrOnaut DH if you were my H and doing that, I would end up leaving you tbh.

Because I would have lost all respect that I could have had for you.

Astr0naut · 05/04/2012 17:52

Actual Astronaut here now.

What Dh neglected to tell everyone, is that he'd been riding a motorbike since he was 17 and that when I met him, he was going to fix his bike after his latest crash - sorry, 'off'.

THat bike is still in the garage, still not fixed, 8 years later.

He did have a runabout for a bit, but the chain snapped off and went through the the weheel, causing him to go across three lanes of traffic.

I got a text in work saying 'I've had a crash' and freaked.

We now have two dcs and dh is almost 42. It's not his driving I'm worried about, it's the deaths of motorcyclists I see in the local paper almost every week.

GrahamTribe · 05/04/2012 17:55

Astr0naut and CockyPants if your DH/P wanted to become a Police Officer or Fireman would you stop him doing that too?

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 17:55

I get the worry - but you see deaths by car accident daily.
And mechanical failure can happen catatrophically car or bike.

Sounds like dh is teasing you astronaut Thanks :)

Astr0naut · 05/04/2012 18:00

I'm not worried; he's been telling me he's going to get his bike fixed for 8 years. Grin

[Big sigh] Apparently I have to tell the truth, that I wouldn't be happy if he had a motorbike. But I couldn't actually stop him, could I?

Besides, I have a 2 yr old ds, so I think it's him I'll need to be worrying about .

GrahamTribe · 05/04/2012 18:03

Grin Astr0naut

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