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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner of 8 years has just bought a motorbike

191 replies

CockyPants · 05/04/2012 15:03

After I told him I would leave him if he did. Have seen too many half dead bikers in a and e, and we have a 5 year old dd together. Only found out today after I opened letter from dvla, I thought it was pension stuff that I'd been dealing with for him this week. I'm so angry that I feel like packing my stuff and taking dd to my parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
CockyPants · 05/04/2012 16:08

I think most people have a tipping point or deal breaker?

OP posts:
janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 16:10

YEs they do - but usually DV, affairs, emotional abuse, drugs, gambling away the family finances, etc.

He shouldn't have lied, you shouldn't have blackmailed him.

monicamary · 05/04/2012 16:10

My dh is bike mad.We moved house so he had room for his precious bikes in double garage.He has 4 and one in pieces!
He uses one for work for easier commute and i know is sensible and rides
carefully.
I have nursed patients who have had horrific bike injuries so i know what you are saying but is it worth You leaving him over this issue without taking a step back and mulling it over before acting in haste?

larrygrylls · 05/04/2012 16:10

Cocky,

But would you not rather he phrased it "you are an adult and must do what you want but I would prefer you not to do X" rather than "I will leave you if you do X"? And I guess the situation here is something moderately (though not terribly) risky, and not relationship threatening, in the normal sense of the word.

I just think charm and persuasion tend to work much better than ultimatums within a good relationship. I know that I react very badly to someone trying to treat me as a child and telling me what I may or may not do.

AngryFeet · 05/04/2012 16:11

Yes cheating is a deal breaker. Lying is also pretty damn bad. You should concentrate on that then have a serious conversation about how you both feel about the bike thing.

sooperdooper · 05/04/2012 16:12

My dad has riden a motorbike all his life, I know some people don't like them but they aren't as much of a death trap as some people seem to think, I've known more people injured/killed in car accidents tbh

I'd be annoyed he lied but it's a ridiculous ultimatum and if my OH said something similar I'd be livid

Are you really going to leave him over a form of transport? Confused

DesperatelySeekingBunnies · 05/04/2012 16:13

I think you are both BU. He is unreasonable to go behind your back but you were unreasonable to give him an ultimatum. He isn't a child he's just acting like one.

I understand how you feel. A friend of mine and DP died a few years back on his bike. Horrible accident and not the first one in their group of friends to have an accident, not by far. DP still wants to ride though (got knocked off it a year ago and hasn't replaced it). I admit I'd go ballistic if he got another one but only because we can't afford both a motorbike and his precious car (Fiesta RS Turbo, eats up petrol, breaks down ALOT). If it weren't for the cost of the damn thing I really wouldn't mind him riding again. I've seen far more horrible car accidents than bike and I don't have a problem with cars.

AngryFeet · 05/04/2012 16:14

I know people think it is others who cause the accidents that hurt or kill bikers and that is true sometimes. Most are killed by going too fast, bad road positioning and not being aware enough of what is going on around them though.

sooperdooper · 05/04/2012 16:15

Most are killed by going too fast, bad road positioning and not being aware enough of what is going on around them though.

That's true of any road accident though, not just those involving motorbikes

Original poster
CockyPants · 05/04/2012 16:16

I threatened to leave because bike riding is risky.i want our daughter to have a daddy that puts her needs first. Now I have dd there is no way I'd choose to do something which could potentially kill me, leaving her without a mum. And yes I do know that I could be run over by a bus tomorrow. I think you all get my drift?

OP posts:
AFuckingKnackeredWoman · 05/04/2012 16:18

Do you drive? Smoke? Drink? that could potentially kill you

DesperatelySeekingBunnies · 05/04/2012 16:21

I don't know the exact statistics angryfeet but I do know someone who seriously hurt himself on the motorway by turning to thank someone who let him passed. Most bikers I know just put a hand up to say ta, he turned round. A split second later he hit a car (I think) infront of him, was flipped into the air and hit the central reservation. After sliding along the tarmac and losing layers of skin.

Both the times my DP has come off his bike it's because someone else (a car driver) hasn't being paying attention. He was lucky not to break his neck the last time Angry There have also been alot of near misses both with me on the back and him on his own. Drivers can be very, very thick.

AngryFeet · 05/04/2012 16:21

I agree and if you make sure you are the safest rider you can be you will be almost as safe as a car driver IMO.

I think you have a warped view of motorbikes to be honest OP and are going with a gut reaction not facts.

As I said before you need to have a serious discussion about why he lied then find out why he wants a bike so much and come to some sort of compromise. If he really really loves it I don't think it is fair that you stop him doing it as long as he makes sure he is as safe as possible.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 16:23

I Get your drift that you dont like bikes, you think they are risky. I don't get that you can dictate that to DP.

Believe me I understand your concerns only too well - but you can't force someone to do what you want.

Do you really want a life of every other weekend, overnights, half school hols, step parents??.

He shouldn't have lied, you shouldn't have blackmailed - can't you see that?

PeppaIsBack · 05/04/2012 16:24

Well I think it is easy for people to say 'Oh this controlling to tell him he can't have a motorbike'.
However, the OP has also stated that she has seen enough bikers in A&E to know that it is something she is really worried about (or is terrified the right word?). When you have such a fear because you have seen the consequences of the accidents first hand, I think you are entitled to have a 'stronger' opinion than most people.

However, the issue here is that the OP clearly stated her disapproval re the bikes, and I would imagine the reason for it ie what she has seen.
On the other hand, her DH didn't have any problem lying and the deceipt is a major problem. I mean what did he think he was doing? Was he going to have the bike at his brother and going for ride in hidding?
Did he think it is OK to hide things like this to his wife, esp as he knew how strongly she felt about it? Or was it the reason and he felt entitled enough to go over her fears?

AngryFeet · 05/04/2012 16:24

I agree desperately but I also think bikers need to be more aware. DH says he goes out everyday with the thought in his head that all drivers are trying to kill him. So he positions himself very well, wears hi-vis and watches very closely the driver of each car he overtakes as he does so.

Honestly the BikeSafe course is a life saver in teaching people how to ride safely. Even those who have been riding for decades seem to get lots out of it. And no I am not selling it Grin. It is run by the police and is very very good.

Original poster
CockyPants · 05/04/2012 16:24

Have never smoked, drink less than 10 units a month. Yes I drive, child is in cars eat, car has 6 airbags and abs...

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 05/04/2012 16:27

of course you are hurt that he went behind your back he is being a selfish twat devious and not understanding your feelings about this , however unless you are prepared to follow through with your ultimatum then its an empty threat , I really didnt mean to be so Harsh i dont know what your partner is thinking he may just think its an empty threat , I know they are dangerous but many people are very safe on the road . I really hope you work it out ,

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 16:27

To add a third option - or is it that the ultimatum made him think - fuck you- and pushed him over the edge into actually getting one

I'd see red mist if dh dictated to me like that

Paiviaso · 05/04/2012 16:28

I remember listening to a radio show in which someone called in with this problem - their DH wanted to get a motorcycle, but the couple had young children and the wife was very against it. The relationship therapist was a motorcycle enthusiast herself, but agreed with the woman that it does put you at a higher risk of injury on the road and that when you have a family depending on you it is irresponsible to put yourself at greater risk. The therapist herself had waited until her child was grown before purchasing her bike.

So in explaining your anger to him, maybe drive home to your DH how important his life is to you and your DD, and tell him its not about controlling him, it is about needing him to be there.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 16:28

Yes dh has been riding for 30 plus years and he loved bikesafe

Original poster
CockyPants · 05/04/2012 16:29

Re blackmail point, I originally said I'd leave if he got a bike ie that's my line in the sand. Naively, maybe, I didn't see it as blackmail.

OP posts:
janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 16:30

paiviasio that's interesting - a lot of female bikers I k ownride less/give up after DCs - we have had this drunken conversation many a time.

A lot of it is to do with less time, getting out of habit while pregnant, not being able to take baby along.

Original poster
CockyPants · 05/04/2012 16:33

I guess its always the woman who is prepared to change life and put children first. Men just seem to think that they can carry on regardless!

OP posts:
janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 16:33

cocky sAdly. Yes it is blackmail - Nd depending on what type of person dp is - it may have been all he'd hear.

Honestly I'm not badgering you - it's just clearer from the other side of a screen.CID DH did that to me - I'd smile sweetly -'while fuming inside and plotting to do exactly what he was banning me from!