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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner of 8 years has just bought a motorbike

191 replies

CockyPants · 05/04/2012 15:03

After I told him I would leave him if he did. Have seen too many half dead bikers in a and e, and we have a 5 year old dd together. Only found out today after I opened letter from dvla, I thought it was pension stuff that I'd been dealing with for him this week. I'm so angry that I feel like packing my stuff and taking dd to my parents.

OP posts:
PeppaIsBack · 05/04/2012 16:33

If she souldn't have blackmailed and he shouldn't have lied, where does it leave the OP?

The issue here isn't whether it is reasonnable to have a bike. The issue is the fact that the OP has an opinion that she entitled to and that her H has a different pov.
Is it OK to say that she has to accept that her H is going to do an activity that she is totally against, knowing that she is against it, just because he can and 'it's his choice'? Despite knowing that if he does, she will probably be worried sick each time he is going on a ride?
Is that really the way to treat your partner?

In a marriage, the other can not tell you what you can and can't do. But you are also supposed to take into account their pov. And this is not happening here. You are supposed to want to make them happy not to make them worried sick each time you want to 'have a good time'.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 16:35

CIDif dh did

PeppaIsBack · 05/04/2012 16:35

And I can not understand all the 'Oh I can understand the DH. I would do the same'.

Is there no here able to actually explain calmly to their partner 'No I don't agree with you. You can not tell me what to do. However, I am open to discuss the issue with you'???
Are you all children who can only think about retaliating???

Original poster
CockyPants · 05/04/2012 16:35

Yup peppa, relationships are about give and take, totally agree with you there.

OP posts:
janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 16:38

But peppa that works both ways.

Banning someone from something they really want to do is going to build massive resentment and cause harm.

OP could you find a compromise - track days? Off roading??

Problem with biking is it gets in the blood.

It's not just about the bike - and I think that's hard to understand if you dont feel it.

I gave up with birth of DCs - but that was my choice - no-one told me too and I would never force that on DH.

Teeb · 05/04/2012 16:40

I do believe riding a bike is more risky than driving, absolutely. You go on any motorbike forum and they will often have a dedicated topic to 'fallen bikers' which doesn't exactly fill you with confidence.

I think where you're coming from cockyPants is that you love your partner, he's the father of your child and you don't want his life/safety to be compromised needlessly. And that's why you made your emotive ultimatum, preferring to leave now than have to deal with the pain of a 'what if' (completely understandable.)

What do you think his motive for riding is? A convenient mode of transport or for thrill seeking?

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 16:40

peppa I wouldn't listen to dh if he was threatening our marriage - that's not rational discussion - I'm not his child, neither of them was being rational.

I am assuming that the conversations had been exhausted for the OP tonsy that.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 16:42

*op to say that damn auto correct

Original poster
CockyPants · 05/04/2012 16:43

Teeb your second paragraph is exactly how I am feeling mad my motivation behind saying it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CockyPants · 05/04/2012 16:45

Bloke is in mid 40s enough said! Dd is 6 in July. I'm 42. Hope this info gives you all a bit more insight?

OP posts:
Original poster
CockyPants · 05/04/2012 16:46

If he was single no kids then it's up to him if he wants to own and ride bike.

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 05/04/2012 16:50

I can't imagine you trying to explain to your child when she's older that you left her dad because he chose to ride a bike, there has to be more to this, is he otherwise a good DP/father or is this the last in a long line of things?

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 16:51

Sorry but you are only interested in being agreed with.

You are being irrational - you can't tell a man that age what to do without irreparably damaging your relationship.

Even if he does what you want - things would never be right between you again and he would always resent it.

It's hard - I know it's hard - but it's his choice at the end of the day.

You need to seriously think about life if you leave him.

Teeb · 05/04/2012 16:51

Of course, just like if you had turned around and say 'Darling, I want to go back packing through Iraq!' you might assume he would have his own thoughts on that, and should be allowed to care his reasonable concerns.

I'm surprised by the reaction you've had slightly op, although I can appreciate the way that ultimatums aren't encouraged because it often leaves both parties feeling unhappy with the result.

Could you come to a a compromise perhaps? That he could go on track days and enjoy 'the thrill' of riding a bike, but then only ride during the summer months (cold weather/slippery roads from ice grit can be dangerous and damage the bike) and must absolutely follow the speed limit when on the roads.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 16:53

sooper people really hate bikes that much, not the same as the OP but I had a friend who hated her partners bike from day 1 - waited til they were married with 2 kids and then gave him the ultimatum she had always been waiting to issue.

He sold his bike and resents it every day.

PeppaIsBack · 05/04/2012 16:55

jane, a compromise starts by listening to the other person. Not by doing something behind their back.

I am just really annoyed that very few people have actually taken the time to try and see how the OP could be feeling to have had such strong opinion against bikes.

It could also be 'I am scared of spiders' but her H decides to bring a red back in the house. Would that be OK too? Because you know he really loves spiders and the fact that she is completely scared of them isn't nearly as important. And the spider is in a box so even though it is dangerous, it is not nearly as dangerous as it looks. Actually if she was saying that she would leave if he was bringing spiders in the house, then she would obvioulsy be unreasonnable. Because that's blackmailing and why on earth would she be afraid? if she is fainting and getting panick attacks isn't a reason good enough you know. Hmm

Sorry but I really think that when you see that ding one thing is really scaring your partner, you avoid doing it. At least out of respect for them.
If you don't and you push so much that the partner has to express their view in a very strong way such as 'If you do that, I'll leave', then it tells more about how you are than about the partner.

Finally, in this specific case, saying 'do X and I'll leave' is blackmailing if the intent is to scare the other person. If this is the expression of a deal braker (whioch it seems to be for the OP) then it is barely stating a fact.

Original poster
CockyPants · 05/04/2012 16:55

Um, I'm not solely interested in posts that agree with me, Jane. I've read everyone's posts and taken all your pov on board.
It has damaged our relationship. I can't trust him anymore because of his deceit.
A couple of weeks ago he went for a mortgage interview without telling me.
What's next?

OP posts:
NarkedPuffin · 05/04/2012 16:56

Big difference between asking someone to give up biking and being with someone for years who then takes up biking.

I would never have gotten involved with someone who rode a bike. Full stop.

PeppaIsBack · 05/04/2012 16:57

But jane that's a different story. That's the story of someone who has been hidding her real feeling about bikes, decided to go along and change the rules.
not the case of the OP.

PeppaIsBack · 05/04/2012 16:58

oh dear OP...
That doesn't good at all.....

Was it after you had discovered the bike issue?

NarkedPuffin · 05/04/2012 16:59

I make damn sure he paid for comprehensive insurance to cover death and serious disability, loss of income due to injury etc etc

PeppaIsBack · 05/04/2012 17:02

And.. buying a bike is an big expense. The cost of running a bike (insurrance, petrol etc...) are also an expense.

isn't that reasonnable to expect your partner to talk to you about it before going ahead? Because that will be coming out of the 'family' pot won't it?

slobberychops · 05/04/2012 17:02

My dh did the exact same thing. I didn't give him an ultimatum, but I did say I really didn't want him to get one.
(For both safety and financial reasons)

He bought one anyway. Then when it was paid off he traded it in and got a new one with another 3 years' finance!

The upside is he can never give me a hard time about any purchase as I can 'play the motorbike card'. Seriously thoUgh I resent the bloody thing and it still pissed me off. If he dies on that bike I will never forgive him!

None of this information is very helpful to you but thought it might make you feel less alone...

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 17:03

excuse me peppa I have said twice I understand how the OP feels.

I really do, but I do not own DH.

In this scenario - I imagine OP talked, DP talked, they fundamentally disagreed and then OP when he couldn't come around to her way of thinking - told him she would leave if he got one - I don't imagine she started the conversation with him.

Do you think those of us who ride/dps ride/friends ride/friends have died love our partners any less?? That we don't love them and worry for them just as much as the next person.

Yes cocky the deceit has harmed your marriage - no doubt about that at all.

I feel sick everytime dh is out in bad weather or is 5 mins late home. But he is a grown man - he has to make his own choices and I respect them. I certainly don't lay my irrational fears on his shoulders.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 17:05

God tis is a fast moving thread - I know that story isn't like the OPs - that's why I said "it isn't like the OP" I was just making the point to sooper that people really hate bikes that much