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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner of 8 years has just bought a motorbike

191 replies

CockyPants · 05/04/2012 15:03

After I told him I would leave him if he did. Have seen too many half dead bikers in a and e, and we have a 5 year old dd together. Only found out today after I opened letter from dvla, I thought it was pension stuff that I'd been dealing with for him this week. I'm so angry that I feel like packing my stuff and taking dd to my parents.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 05/04/2012 20:27

My husband decided to get a motorbike license 10 years ago or so, when I was pregnant with our first child. I honestly did not see any issues. He trusted him to be sensible. He has been sensible. He has had a couple of accidents though, it is inevitable. But, the positive far outweighs the negative. It has made him a much more careful driver. As a biker, he is really aware of the road, the road conditions, and traffic. He is much more careful and considerate on the roads now, than he ever was.

He can do his own thing, and leave me the car. We can do errands in different places, and meet "in the middle". He does not need to take the car for meetings. He does not have to sit stuck in traffic, it makes his working day shorter. Petrol is cheaper, as the motorbike uses less. Yes, he has spent some money on safety gear, but it is his choice. I never want to ride with him though, as I dont like speed. Grin

People die in cycle accidents, skiing accidents, as pedestrians, in car accidents, etc.

Kayano · 05/04/2012 20:32

Spuddy if you would
Leave
Someone because they grew their hair I would say that you didn't truly truly love them in the first place.

And would I fuck let any man dictate to me how I can have my hair. If he would leave me over a haircut he obv doesn't love me as a person Hmm

Spuddybean · 05/04/2012 20:35

Yes i see your point. However, if you didn't like long/short hair and told your partner and they still did it regardless of your feelings and didn't care whether you found them attractive or not, then i think that's a big symbolic slap in the face.

ThatGhastlyWoman · 05/04/2012 20:41

Haven't time to read the whole thread, but...

Although I can see why you'd be upset at him going behind your back, I think it's fairly apparent why he has done so. Not great, I wouldn't like it either, but he clearly feel strongly enough to have done it.

I am a biker too. Pre motherhood, and it's how I met my partner. Neither of us plan to give up. We have both lost people, and in fact my partner had a life-changing accident a few years ago. However, it is a very big part of our lives and who we are.

Would you feel the same if he played rugby, or was into skydiving?

(PS I did LOL at the assumption that pro-biking women must be males who have only joined to troll...)

Xales · 05/04/2012 20:43

lol Spuddy I have told my DP I will leave him if he cuts his Grin

I have also told him he is free to go out, kiss, grope and shag another woman if he wants. I am not his owner nor keeper.

I on the other hand am free to end my relationship if he does so as I do not want to be in a relationship with a man who does that.

PeppaIsBack · 05/04/2012 21:07

^I have also told him he is free to go out, kiss, grope and shag another woman if he wants. I am not his owner nor keeper.

I on the other hand am free to end my relationship if he does so as I do not want to be in a relationship with a man who does that.^

Yep agree with that and esp the last part.

As his happiness is as important to me as my own, and if he was unhappy I would be too
jane I totally agree with that one.
As so do I agree that as the OP's happiness should be as important to her DP as his own if she was that unhappy about it, he should be too.

You see the issue here is who is going to be the most unhappy about him not having a bike. Is it the DH who has never had a bike and has not started biking as a hobby? Or is the OP who has seen many bikers injured and is therefore frightened that it will happen to him too?

I've done quite a few really dangerous activities (or rather seen as really dangerous by most people). Because I have had some hobbies that were taking that much place in my life, things where I would have (and have) given up my bf instead of said hobby, I also know that that sort of commitment does not start straight away. To be really really keen on an activity takes time, you need to have done it for some time.
In this case, it is more of a 'This sounds fun and I am going to start doing it'. The intensity of having a passion for riding cannot be there (he didn't even have his licence!). If it was me, I would take into account my partner's wishes and not start because i would know how much he didn't like it. And it wouldn't be hard because I wouldn't have developed a passion for it.
On the other side, Dh has 2 hobbies that are could be considered are dangerous. Even though I know the risks, I am happy for him to do them but I am also not sleepless at night when he away and I am not worried sick if he is late.
If I was that worried, I would really have asked him to reconsider his choices.

AlbertoFrog · 05/04/2012 21:22

Sadly I don't think anyone's going to 'win' this one.

ThatGhastlyWoman · 05/04/2012 21:35

Hmm. Yes, some good points, Peppa. However, my experience was that although I didn't start riding until I was in my late 20s I had had a 'thing' for bikes all my life. I put it off for a long while (partly because my first love died on one when I was 15), but I knew I would always regret it if I didn't learn.

My boyfriend prior to learning was extremely anti me riding. It is one of the reasons I left him- this was a serious relationship, too. It did not sit well with me that he presumed to tell me what I could and could not do.

Learning to ride, and meeting all the people I met during that period and even since, has been one of the best parts of my life. Many of the people I have met through biking have children. However, I tend to find that relationships do suffer when a partner who does not ride starts laying down the law rather than having a dialogue with their partner as an equal.

I intend to return to riding, as does my partner- as I said before. However, we will take every precaution that we can to ensure that we do everything within our control to safeguard our safety and our family. Continuing to develop our road skills, taking full insurance out, never riding on the same bike (for the same reason I never let a close family member pillion on my bike), and wearing the best protective gear we can afford, as well as keeping our bikes as well maintained as possible.

I think it would be a bad idea to write this off as a simple 'whim'. I may be biased, but I think bikes are a bit different to a lot of other 'hobbies'. They have a way of really getting under your skin.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 22:01

peppa that totally dismisses the points about DH being an equal and adult and allowed to make his own decisions.

Alberto is right - there are no winners to this - butthe DP must have ring feelings to hide his bike and the op must have strong feelings to threaten her marriage.

I think they are both wrOng - treat some one like a child and they will act like one, and that is what has happened here.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 22:10

At the And of the day - if dh decided to take up sky diving, I'd hate it, but I'd still encourage him - he likes being adventurous.

We do not own our partners!!!

otchayaniye · 05/04/2012 22:13

what bike did he get?

i'm envious. i stopped riding my kawasaki ninja (in flipflops and illfitting helmet, bad woman) when i was five month pregnant with my first child.

husband sold his blackbird after crashing it at sepang when i was pregnant.

feels wrong to take it up again with small children

Tw1gl3t · 05/04/2012 22:22

You are ill suited. You want to control him. He feels he has to be deceitful. The relationship is doomed. Please find a way to sever your ties in a grown-up and friendly manner so that your child can have the benefit of both parents which, after all, is the thing that you state is most important for both of you and for your child.

I hope your DP has along, fulfilling relationship with his new, exciting mode of transport, and that you find someone who doesn't mind being dictated to.

CockyPants · 05/04/2012 22:22

Hullo, well dp has stormed off to look for somewhere else to live, apparently.
Pretty devastating that it's come to this.
At Xmas he bought a computer for my dad, an iPad for me, amac mini and a wireless printer and declared to my parents and I that he'd spent all the cash he had save for a bike and had decided not to get one. Three months on and he says this eve that he'd changed his mind.
He has a history of storming off in a foul temper, and quite often breaking things as he does so, cameras, a tv, 2 laptops....
Have just phoned my devastated parents to say we won't be playing happy families this Easter. Mum has suggested relationship counselling which I am happy to try. All in all, a fun day. Not.

OP posts:
AlbertoFrog · 05/04/2012 23:25

Sorry to hear that OP but you know, if he acts in this manner then perhaps you don't want DD growing up witnessing such scenes.

Hugs.

unadulterateddad · 05/04/2012 23:36

Perhaps just talking to him about wh he feels so strongly about wanting to ride that he'd deceived you about it might be of benefit?

Got to be a pretty good reason there if your relationship is strong otherwise.

unadulterateddad · 05/04/2012 23:51

sorry for you after your update cocky Sad - must read threads better

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/04/2012 23:57

Sorry to hear that OP and I wish you strength and resilience over this holiday period.

The point I was going to make is that IMO (and I know lots of people disagree with me - lots of my friends openly disagree with me) while you have young children there are just certain things that you should not do
Skydiving
Bungee jumping
Base jumping
Riding a motorcycle
Steeplechases
Climbing Everest
Mainlining heroin [slightly joking emoticon]

I just think -- why take the blooming risk when there are already so many risky things in life?? Worst thing I can imagine is leaving my DCs motherless. I can accept and live with life's everyday risks (hit by proverbial bus, car accident, blah blah blah) but why add to them voluntarily?

Ultimatums are tough though. I'm lucky that DH more or less agrees with me, having got all his jumping out of airplanes out of his system while in the army...

RiaOverTheRainbow · 06/04/2012 05:41

I know I'm in the minority but I don't see the OP's ultimatum as blackmail or controlling. I bet every single person on this thread would leave their partner for something, whether it's buying a gerbil or murdering the inlaws. I think it's ok for there to be things you won't tolerate in a partner, and of course you can't force an adult to (not) do anything, but you can choose not to be in a relationship with them.

If the OP's P really can't be happy without a bike, and the OP can't be happy in a relationship with a bike-rider, then they're simply incompatible, quite apart from his lying. It's sad, but if they're ultimately happier apart than together, then that's that.

QuintessentialShadows · 06/04/2012 08:17
Hmm

In light of the more recent posts from you op, I would say that you can discard everything I have said previously.

If he is the type to throw tantrums, storm off, break expensive objects, he is nothing more than a supersized child with a craving for getting his way and getting expensive toys to play with. I suspect a midlife crisis.

Let him go.

You and your dd are better off without a man (and rolemodel) like this in your lives.

Good luck.

cumbria81 · 06/04/2012 08:54

You can't stop him buying a bike if he wants one - that would be completely unreasonable. He's a grown man

However he did lie to you and YANBU to be pissed off about that

Whatmeworry · 06/04/2012 08:58

Bah - children shouldn't have kids of their own. Grow up the pair of you.

ThatGhastlyWoman · 06/04/2012 09:02

Yup. Tantrumming and breaking things do not exactly fill me with confidence for his future as a rider, either. I just hope that if he does go on with his riding, he has some good, experienced people around him- for your daughter's sake more than his. :(

I'm still confused about the fact that you knew he was getting his license, though...

(Wish you the best with this. Poor you, and your poor daughter, too.)

sunshineandbooks · 06/04/2012 09:03

Accidents involving motorcyclists tend to be much more serious than those involving cars, but statistically speaking there are more accidents involving cars than there are motorbikes.

I am an ex-biker. I haven't been out on mine since I had DC 5 years ago (it's still rusting in the garage). I lost my father in a RTC as well (his own 'fault' and due to a momentary loss of concentration, even though he was normally a very sensible and cautious biker). I worry too much about being injured or dying and leaving my DC without a mother.

But I still wouldn't issue an ultimatum like yours, even though I more than understand where that came from. I think that's unreasonable. However, his lying to you and going behind your back is equally unreasonable. I'd say you are both being unreasonable to the same degree and should, therefore, start talking about this issue from a position of equals with no one on the back foot. Hope you resolve it. Smile

toofattorun · 06/04/2012 09:11

That is so true. I can completely understand why you told your husband that. It's dangerous and why risk losing your life when you have a child to take care of. It is irresponsible. My H wanted to sky dive again and I asked him if it was worth it now that we have 2 boys. He could see where I was coming from, thank god.

sunshineandbooks · 06/04/2012 09:16

Cocky I just went back and read the thread properly and realised I missed the two posts by you where you mentioned the mortgage interview and his history of smashing things up when in a bad temper. I still think you're being unreasonable for issuing your ultimatum in the first place but the new information changes things I think.

The fact that he has stormed out looking for somewhere new to live so soon after getting a mortgage interview behind your back and buying a motorbike despite knowing your ultimatum, does rather suggest that not only was he expecting your reaction but was actually hoping for it. Sad

The smashing things up behaviour is at best incredibly stupid and childish, and at worst borderline abusive since any display of physical violence can be very intimidating even when a person isn't the target. That combined with the complete disrespect for your wishes (if he respected you he'd disagree with you, argue about it and possibly still go ahead anyway, but he wouldn't do it behind your back) suggest you've got bigger problems than a motorbike TBH. I'd use the time apart to have a good think about what you want to do next and about establishing some more healthy behaviours if he comes back.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low and angry and I hope you feel better soon.

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