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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner of 8 years has just bought a motorbike

191 replies

CockyPants · 05/04/2012 15:03

After I told him I would leave him if he did. Have seen too many half dead bikers in a and e, and we have a 5 year old dd together. Only found out today after I opened letter from dvla, I thought it was pension stuff that I'd been dealing with for him this week. I'm so angry that I feel like packing my stuff and taking dd to my parents.

OP posts:

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 06/04/2012 09:22

I dont know I read the whole thread and a few things jump out at me from both sides.

The ultimatum, the smashing things in temper, the mortgage interview and also the OP saying the house is paid for, hers and in her name.

I think there is an awful lot more going on here than in this thread and a lot of things are being said and done in heat of the moment, by both of them.

Also AIBU by drip feed.

I think Cocky, you need to decide if you want to be with DP, and he with you.

Then talk.

I would be wary now of taking advice from us, this isnt an arguement about a bike really - there are clearly more underlying issues and you would be better off talking to people who know them all.

Good luck.

PeppaIsBack · 06/04/2012 09:37

cocky I am soory about your update and at the same time not that surprised. I was expecting something like this from your previous post (the morgage, the not being fussed about you leaving etc...)
I think he had made his decision long ago and the bike thing was just a sign of it :(

Hope you are OK.

Longdistance · 06/04/2012 10:01

I don't think threatening 2 leave if he got a bike was a wise choice of words. But, I would be livid if we discussed something, and he went against my wishes that I felt strongly about iygwim. I would NEVER let my dh buy a motorbike, as my old next door neighbour died on his bike. It was horrific. He had a wife and 2 teenage kids. That is what I don't want 2 happen, even though dh had a bike b4, he has told me stories, and he has been an irresponsible cyclist in the past, so that was that, a big fat NO.
He also did something similar 2 me, but it was more underhand, he decided 2 buy £2,000 worth of shares in a few different companies without consulting me, when I was heavily pg at the time. He had the gall 2 question me as 2 why I spent £7 on a pair of blinds 4 the back windows of the car, when I found out he spent £2k on what I'd call gambling a waste, it really broke my trust in him :(
Really know how u feel though, doing something behind ur back is just shit so {{{hugs}}}

Original poster

CockyPants · 06/04/2012 10:42

Thanks everyone for all your messages, whatever your take on situation may be. It helps to hear all sides, particularly when one can see only red mist!

He came back before midnight. And has decided to go in to work this morning. We are still talking to each other, but atmosphere is strained. I'm still really angry, obv. Spoke to my dad today, he thinks I should swallow my pride, even though P has behaved badly in going behind my back...

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 06/04/2012 10:46

Really, be prepared.

I think he is planning to leave.

He is lining up his new future without you. Buy a pad, buy a bike, and hey presto new identity as a single male.

He has done all this behind your back because you dont feature in his future.

Whatmeworry · 06/04/2012 10:52

IMO your Dad is right.

Original poster

CockyPants · 06/04/2012 10:58

In my next life I'm coming back gay. With cats. Patchacuti song on horrible histories in the background here...

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 06/04/2012 11:07

Just take care you dont come back as a gay cat......

Xales · 06/04/2012 11:09

I totally agree with QS sorry.

This guy is planning his exit and when he ups and leaves when it is right for him in a few months and his mortgage/house buy have gone through and he has a place to go it will be 'your fault' because of your 'over reaction and attempts to control him'.

Get all your finances etc in order now so you are not left in the lurch.

What school of thought is your dad normally?

Is he a do as I say not as I do guy or a reasonable compromise guy?

To be honest swallow my pride, even though P has behaved badly in going behind my back... sounds to me like put up and shut up because men are right and women should know their place. Only you can tell how he means it.

Original poster

CockyPants · 06/04/2012 11:20

My dad is a bit women know yr place!
Yes I am preparing for if slash when he leaves...I think I'd be mega dumb not to.
A gay cat?? Hmmm. Can't be much worse than this crap!

OP posts:

EostreAngelofchocolateeggs · 06/04/2012 11:31

I agree with QUint and Xales here, sorry

As for him throwing tantrums and smashing things up...not something you really want your dd to see.

unadulterateddad · 07/04/2012 23:07

Agree with QS and Xales - he has mentally ended the relationship and is preparing his move. From experience of people I know, thing are likely to get worse as he will more willing to be agressive as he doesn't value your relationship.

Personally, i'd kick him out now - violence in the home is never acceptable, regardless of if it's an object, animal or person. He's basically a twat

Immyownperson · 08/04/2012 10:18

If he has any sense, of course he has decided to finish with you.
For God sake YOU told him to leave!
All he has done, is grown a pair!
A relationship is a 2 way thing, there are always things where each partner will not agree...
BUT by one partner trying to run the others life, the other person at times has to lie.... thats when the down hill spiral starts.
IMHO he will be better off without you. I just feel for the child.

I'm a bloke.
My wife was the powerful one - I did what she asked.
One day SHE decided to kick me out, why sod knows.
Best thing she ever did. I grew a pair.

Then she decided to chuck my kids out - I am now their only parent (she still alive but not in their heads)

OP, I can see a lot of my ex in you...... in hindsight I wouldn't walk away - I'd RUN!

GrahamTribe · 08/04/2012 10:33

I'm not sure that this is a pre-planned move. I still err towards what I said on Thursday, that while you're considering whether you can live with someone who lied to you (and remember why he lied, because you told him what he could and couldn't do and that you'd take his daughter from him if he didn't obey you), he is considering whether he wants to live with someone who controls and blackmails him. And now it looks like he doesn't.

Frankly, I don't blame him, but that's irrelevant, this isn't my mess and your daughter isn't my kid. The bottom line is that both of you need to learn to respect each other, this is no way a one-way street and you are no way a poor little victim of a wicked man. Compromise is the only answer, unless of course you want to end up without a DP and father to your child, and I thought that the whole reason why you're in this mess in the first place is because you don't want to be a lone parent.

PeppaIsBack · 08/04/2012 15:28

The thing is neither of you knows when the Op has made comment.
was it right at the start when he suggested that he wanted a motorbike or was it after several discussions, him starting tp take some lessons etc...

The Op also hasn't made clear about the impact on her. She just said that she had seen many bikers arriving half dead in A&E. If that meant she would not sleep at night every night, having nightmares and panick attacks because her DH had decided to get a bike, this is one thing.
If she marely said 'NO' in a very controlling way, just because she doesn't like it, then this is a different issue.

I personnally don't think that, to be at that stage, the bike is the only issue they've had and it is impossible for us to make any assumptiosn on whether he is 'well rid of' or not. Apart of course, if it's reminding you of some very personnal circumstances and you have been projecting them onto the OP situation....

GrahamTribe · 08/04/2012 16:00

None at all, Peppa. :) I don't have a bike, I've never had one and I've never been involved in any situation like the OP's. DH was a racer and a pretty good one too but that was well before my time and he gave up, voluntarily and not at the behest of his ex, many years ago when his DC was born.

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