to ask my mum to look after my DC for one day a week for free?

[slowginny]

I'm about to go back to work full time and have arranged childcare for my DD so mum has her one day a week, my dad has her another and she goes into nursery for the other three days a week. I'm a single mum without maintenance from my DD's dad so the money's a bit thin on the ground. My new job doesn't pay especially well but it will be good for me get back to work (although in my heart I'd rather stay at home with DD!).

Just three weeks before I'm due to start, Mum's asked me to pay her what I would pay the nursery on the day she has her. I'm reluctant to do this, partly because I don't want to set a precedent for paying her every time she has my daughter (including the odd bit of babysitting) but also because mum's not exactly short of a bob or two and is retired.

I've spoken to my dad (parents are divorced) to see if he'd like paying and his response was unequivocally no! Indeed he thought it a pleasure to be able to see his only granddaughter on a regular basis.

Am I being a cow for not wanting to pay her? This is the only grandchild they have and she is a wonderful little girl and very little trouble to have around. I kind of think she should be biting my hand off!

You are probably going to be flamed for this!

However, I don't think YABU, but if your mum expects to be paid, then you have two choices: pay her, or pay the nursery.

I come from a family who all help each other out and look out for each other, and my parents bend over backwards to help me out when I need it. I in turn help then when they need it. That's how families work IMO. I find it very strange when families don't work like this, so therefore I think your DM is BU!

You dad sounds like a gem though, would he be able to do the extra day?

You need to chase maintenance from the child's father. You are the parents, and the financial responsibility belongs to you two.

I also disagree that anyone else should be 'biting your hand off' to do what is effectively a job, for free. I am sure your little girl is gorgeous. But that's irrelevant really. Any babysitting or childcare should be a bonus, not something you feel entitled to.

I sympathise if you're struggling but this is categorically an issue where the child's father should be stepping up to his responsibility- its not your parents job to make up for his deficiencies

Unless your mother is a registered child minder then it is illegal for her to acept payment for looking after your child. She will also be expected to look after a=other children should she register.

I would offer her something to cover any costs she may have but I wouldn't be happy paying the same as I would for nursery.

It's a little bit late in the day to only just be sorting the details out - I'd always offer to pay - and would have done so af the beginning of starting to discuss the arrangements.

Of course it'd be really nice for her to look after your dc, but yab a bit u to expect her to bite your hand off.

This is definitely weird if your mum does not need the money. Perhaps she doesn'twant to have your dd every week and would rather have her more informally. I think you need to discuss this with her. Say that you hoped this would save some money and that you had thought she would be happy with the arrangement. If she would rather just see your dd at weekends or for the odd bit of babysitting then put your dd in nursery or with a childminder (this would be cheaper). I would try and not get cross or fall out with her though. She is obviously under no obligation to have your daughter for free. Maybe she doesn't want to be tied down to the arrangement?

i think you have to book your daughter into day care for a 4th day

and arrange for your mum to come and see her gc at your house at the weekend

I don't think it's unreasonable yo ask for payment ignore it's stopping her from working elsewhere , but it's definitely VU to agree and then demand payment this late in the day!

As regular childcare it could be nice to offer some money, although I wouldn't think to give the going rate of the nursery. You also can't force her to look after your daughter for free. Can you offer to do something for her in exchange? Cleaning or ironing or something?

Also, I'm not sure, but I think that if money is exchanging hands then she needs to be OFSTED registered and declaring the income which isn't the case if she does it for free or in exchange for something else.

YAB a bit U as it doesn't matter how much money she has, you're expecting her to do something that would otherwise be paid for if your parents weren't available. However wonderful your daughter is, all children are hard work at times and she is well within her rights not to provide free childcare for you.

I come from a family who help each other out and I tend to see this as the norm. I went back to work 2 days per week and my mum did one day and my sister did the other day and they were delighted to do so. My friend has always worked f/t and her mum does the free childcare 5 days per week.

The idea of your mum wanting payment it very, very sad to me. Why not get your dad to do 2 days instead?

I think YABU unreasonable. She has done her child rearing and since you say she has retired she obviously had a job at one stage too.

Asking her to babysit now and then or help out with your dd when she is ill is one thing but you have asked her to commit a full day each week indefinitely and taking care of a young child can be tough going especially if you are a bit older.

Maybe she seems to be doing ok financially but since she has been offered the job of minding your dd she sees this as a way of saving a bit for her future or affording a couple of extras every now and then.

I do think she shoudl have mentioned pay upfront though but maybe she was caught off guard and needed time to think it over.

My mum has my DD for two days a week, and I pay her the same as I would a childminder.

She didn't ask.

I was just thinking about when my brother and I were children. My mum went back to work when we were 6 weeks old, and her mum, my gran looked after us. My mum and dad oth had to work to pay the mortgage.

We have amazing memories of our grandparents, and even as adults we have a fabulous relationship with them, and are definitely the closest grandchildren to them, which is down to the time we spent with them as children. They continually tell us how much they enjoyed having us as children, and we often talk about the memories we have of things we did together.

I know that you can't expect someone to do something for nothing, but the reality is that families SHOULD be looking out for each other and helping each other out. And your mum would be getting something from it - time with her granddaughter which is more precious than any material thing, and memories for both of them that will last a lifetime.

I feel so sad for you that your mum can't just help you out and enjoy her grandchild without looking at it as a way to make money :-(

"if", not "ignore"! Stupid phone

Oh and my dad worked flexitime (4 ten hour days!) and had my DS for one day a week when I did my teacher training, otherwise I just couldn't have afforded to do it. And I didn't pay him, I offered, but he just wanted the time with his grandson, and they are so incredibly close now because they had that special one-on-one time together.

I understand what others are saying but I cannot even fathom my mother asking for payment for looking after DS one day a week, even if she needed the money. But of course I would offer to cover the costs involved in caring for him, rather than paying her a "wage".

Are you sure she's not going through a tough time financially?

I do think it's a bit strange for her to be asking this now, but she's not BU to expect to be paid for doing a job, which this effectively is given that it's a regularly scheduled arrangement.

I'm not saying I would ask for money in those circumstances, because I almost certainly wouldn't. I have cared for friends DCs and family members without ever asking for payment, but there's nothing actually wrong with your mum asking.

If you can afford it, pay her. If you believe that she will be happier in nursery, put her in nursery for the extra day since it will cost you the same. Alternatively, ask you dad if he is willing to help out for the extra day.

YANBU!

My parents would NEVER have expected payment they saw it as a joy and privilege

Not all parents do though, ohdear. Some GPs adore their GCs, but they are not great at one on one care.

Let me put it this way. It is somewhat cheeky to ask someone to do something on a regular basis and not offer to pay them, even family. You should make the gesture and offer, even though they'd often say forget about paying.
I'd not want payment if I had a grandchild one day a week, but I would be disappointed if they had not offered to pay, even though I would never accept it.
And if they left money in the house or something, I'd put it in the baby's bank account.
Still, it is probably better for your daughter to be at grandma's home than nursery.
I wonder if your mother was miffed that you didn't even offer, and it was bugging her until she cracked, and demanded payment?

Not wishing to drip! I might add she's just inherited £250k from her parents. I'm going to be earning £21k. Not the money that matters, just kind of peeved that she wants paying to spend time with her DGC, I guess I'm sad as well.

My Dad's just getting over cancer so I don't feel I can ask him for another day a week, I think I'll have to knuckle under and pay for more nursery time.

Well there are a few problems with your mums assumptions here. First the nursery is set up as a business, is registered with relevant bodies, pays business rates, has to comply with legal stuff etc buy all the equipment etc, so her overheads are nowhere like hers. Second it's illegal as she's not registered. Thirdly if you haven't already you could get childcare vouchers to pay them which saves you money.
I can possibly see her point if you are expecting her to incur extra expenses in food or activities and it would be the right thing to offer her that but to ask for the same as nursery is a bit if a mickey take. However looking after a child is a big ask and maybe she really doesn't want to do it and it's an excuse.
I wouldn't want anyone looking after my baby who resented doing it. So maybe you need to re think your plans.
Also get the CSA on to the babys dad.

yanbu, that's totally shit of your mum especially if she doesn't need the money and you are skint - she's your mum ffs!

If she has asked for money, I think you may have to negotiate something with her...OR consider putting her in nursery instead. You can't really refuse or it will become an issue and your mum might be resentful. That seems to be the situation, doesnt it?

My personal opinion is that that is very sad. I come from a culture where families help each other out, grandparents provide childcare as a second nature and nobody would ever dream of asking for money to care for their own grandchild. My mum does after school care for my kids two or three days a week and although I obviously provide food and 'kitty money' for treats etc, if I offered to pay her she would be mortally offended.

That isn't your situation, though, and I think it is best to deal with what is in front of you rather than get upset about it.