to ask my mum to look after my DC for one day a week for free?

[slowginny]

I'm about to go back to work full time and have arranged childcare for my DD so mum has her one day a week, my dad has her another and she goes into nursery for the other three days a week. I'm a single mum without maintenance from my DD's dad so the money's a bit thin on the ground. My new job doesn't pay especially well but it will be good for me get back to work (although in my heart I'd rather stay at home with DD!).

Just three weeks before I'm due to start, Mum's asked me to pay her what I would pay the nursery on the day she has her. I'm reluctant to do this, partly because I don't want to set a precedent for paying her every time she has my daughter (including the odd bit of babysitting) but also because mum's not exactly short of a bob or two and is retired.

I've spoken to my dad (parents are divorced) to see if he'd like paying and his response was unequivocally no! Indeed he thought it a pleasure to be able to see his only granddaughter on a regular basis.

Am I being a cow for not wanting to pay her? This is the only grandchild they have and she is a wonderful little girl and very little trouble to have around. I kind of think she should be biting my hand off!

As your mum has just inherited all this money from her parents (bit stingy that your grandparents didn't remember you in their will, btw!) why not ask her if she'd be prepared to contribute to your childcare costs in a small way? Say £30 a week or something? She might prefer to do that rather than actual childcare.

I work from home, so it's not exactly the same thing, but I need my mum to pick ds3 up from nursery a couple of days a week because I can't drive. She's happy to do it even though it means she has to leave my dad on his own in their shop, and has never asked for payment. However, I give her some money to cover fuel and I've always made it clear that I'll make other arrangements any time it isn't convenient. She didn't want to take the money at first, but I told her that I saw it as the difference between her doing me a huge favour and me taking advantage.

Think this is an interesting discussion. I am a long way off being gp but would like to think if I was retired and fit I could find one day out of seven to help my child out in this way for free. I would have the other six days to fit in all my other activities and holidays etc can be arranged in advance. This does also make me wonder what would happen if the boot was on the other foot so to speak. If a non working financially solvent daughter was refusing to help out an elderly parent one day a week. Just a thought....

I used to pay my mum a token amount to take care of DD while I worked part time. This was to cover busafres, days out, food for DD. If my mum has asked for £30 odd a day for the 5 hours or so each day she took care of DD I'd tell her to go jump! partly coz I'd be miffed but also because I may as well send her to nursery for that day as I could get help paying for childcare.

I got made redundant last year while on Mat leave so might be behind the times, but do you get help with childcare costs? Because if you do would it be worth just sending your DD to nursery for the day your mum would have her? Unless your dad could have her the that day? Honestly I think your mum is out of order and I would expect some top notch childcare from her. and tell- her so--

Excellent point stopthecavalry. The time may yet come when the OP's mother needs practical help. She may discover that you reap as you sow.

I too agree that stopthecavalry has a very good point. My mum has always refused to help me out with childcare. She will babysit occasionally but then when I drop the DCs off will come out with all sorts of terms and conditions. For example if I ask her to have them whilst I make a (rare) visit to the hairdressers, when I drop them off she'll say she can only have them for 2 hours when she knows my highlights and cut take 3.

I have to say I will feel less inclined to help her in the future if she needs it.

"She may discover that you reap as you sow."

If it's a game of tit-for-tat then surely the mother is in credit for the many years she has spent caring for her dd. If she has brought up her dd to the point of independence then shouldn't she now be reaping what she has sown already. If not tit-for-tat then threatening the mother (or getting the hump because you can't have it your own way) probably isn't a good idea. Accepting that she doesn't want to commit to one day a week, every week childcare is probably a more mature attitude.

Thanks. Also meant to say I am assuming this fictional solvent non working woman doesn't have young children at home during the day.

Not saying my own mil (DM lives too far away to offer any practical support) will be straight in a home when the time comes but I have been tempted :o

That is awful I wonder if it is someone else's idea that she ask. I have looked after dgc for a day and a half a week for five years now and wouldn't take a penny. It is my privilege to do it. I have never had £250k or anything like it!

Personally I find all this tit for tat business quite unpleasant. You don't do things for your family because you expect something in return. You give what you can out of love, while recognising that you have your own life to live and respecting the fact that other family have theirs. If I felt that my dd might not want to do any favours for me in my old age, simply because I didn't feel able to commit to being a childminder for her, then I would feel I'd raised a very self centred person. Why do some people measure love and care by what they personally gain from it? There is no sign that the ops mum doesn't care about her grandchild. No doubt she loves her greatly.

I think the issue for me here is that op appears to need her mothers help at a difficult time. She is a lp and not rolling in money and so I can see how that day per week would really help out. Maybe a time limited arrangement would help. Ask the mum to do it for 12 months then up to 4 days at nursery after that.

Bibbity - being as she has asked to be paid to look after her grandaughter, I really can't see her helping out financially so that the OP can pay the nursery!

Maybe the OPs mother has browsed MN and seen the threads from adult children whining because granny who provides free childcare has dared to give the grandchild a non-organic snack. Or even worse, had the audacity to book a holiday and not be available....

What are your thoughts/ have you decided, OP?

Pay her then dob her in to the Inland Revenue

oops, did I say that out loud!

Not sure if this has already been said but on your wage op you will be entitled to 70% of your childcare costs back if you use a nursery (or OFSTED registered cater) instead of your mum. This would be cheaper than paying your mum the money.

It's not as simple as saying 'mum won't do X for me, so I won't do Y for her', or only helping because you want something in return - that would be awful.

It's more about the kind of family relationships you want to have. If I had a mum, who wouldn't help me unless I was giving her money, or who wouldn't help me in case it interfered with her social life, then we wouldn't have the kind of relationship where I would happily go out of my way for her, later on. I would remember the lack of support, when I really needed it, and feel less inclined to make personal sacrifices to accommodate her needs, when they arose.

It's a poor state of affairs when you can't expect a wealthy parent to help you for one day out of seven, unless they get money for it!

Slowginny, after already going through this with my MIL, I would definitely put the child into nursery. She said she would drive over here every week to look after them, even after they moved house. Yes, it is a long way but she did the reverse for her daughter and BIL doesn't even work so there was never any nursery issue to cover! She has a history of going back on her word where DH is concerned though. Nursery it was for our pair.

Callmemrs - you talk a lot of sense.
I get a bit sick of the 'only nasty grandparents won't help out with the grandchildren' argument and the idea that they should pay for their unwillingness when they are old and frail.
The fact is - they've done their bit by raising the children who have produced the grandchildren.
It would be lovely to only ever have to rely on grandparents for childcare, and for it to be free, but it's not an automatic right.
If the OP's Mum has just inherited some money from her parents, then maybe she's feeling a bit fragile after their deaths and would like a bit of responsibility-free time.

Sounds like it might be best to say to mum that you are going to pay for nursery four days a week so you can claim the credit and if mum wants to spend the day with your DC you will keep her home. That way she can have her whenever she likes, but it won't be like a job.

Personally I think it is irrelevant whether mum has come into money or not. I do think it is relevant that she didn't bring this up in the beginning, but it is a bit late for that now.

I think the above is the best chance you have of not offending your mother but making sure you have reliable child care.

I'm glad you agree spartafc

These threads pop up regularly and I'm always astounded by the sense of entitlement some people show. Tbh, the only situation where I can understand how an adult child might deliberately not want to help an elderly parent is where their own childhood was tainted by abuse or neglect. Other than that, if your own parents have done a perfectly good job of raising you, why would you feel entitled to have them take on responsibility for your own kids?

I reiterate: I hope I am blessed with grandchildren one day, and I will shower them with love and do everything I can to support my adult children - while continuing to live my own life. It is a huge commitment to take on regular childcare. Even part time. It restricts when you can have holidays, day trips, do college courses etc. I would feel truly awful expecting my elderly parents to do that- paid or unpaid.

I agree with spartafc - callmemrs talks a lot of sense.

Slow does your new job not do Childcare vouchers? They can be used to save money on registered childcare (ie the nursery) which couldn't be used for paying your mother. Also what quint said.