to ask my mum to look after my DC for one day a week for free?

[slowginny]

I'm about to go back to work full time and have arranged childcare for my DD so mum has her one day a week, my dad has her another and she goes into nursery for the other three days a week. I'm a single mum without maintenance from my DD's dad so the money's a bit thin on the ground. My new job doesn't pay especially well but it will be good for me get back to work (although in my heart I'd rather stay at home with DD!).

Just three weeks before I'm due to start, Mum's asked me to pay her what I would pay the nursery on the day she has her. I'm reluctant to do this, partly because I don't want to set a precedent for paying her every time she has my daughter (including the odd bit of babysitting) but also because mum's not exactly short of a bob or two and is retired.

I've spoken to my dad (parents are divorced) to see if he'd like paying and his response was unequivocally no! Indeed he thought it a pleasure to be able to see his only granddaughter on a regular basis.

Am I being a cow for not wanting to pay her? This is the only grandchild they have and she is a wonderful little girl and very little trouble to have around. I kind of think she should be biting my hand off!

YANBU to be worried about the financial implications but YABU to expect your mum to make a regular commitment to childcare and to have not offered to pay her. It will mean that she is unable to do as she pleases, may have to turn down invitations from others who are now retired and like to do things mid week when they are cheaper, may tie her in to certain holiday dates etc.

It is hard for you and I appreciate that you were looking forward to having some income that would not be swallowed up by childcare, but lots of people do not have parents nearby to rely on like this and I think everyone who wants/needs to return to work has to plan to do so on the 'worst case scenario' side of cost of childcare, then any free help given is a bonus.

same as knackered

if you put dd in nursey 4 days a week..on your salary you should get help with the cost via tax credits. then she could go to your dad the other day or your mum and dad could have her on alternate weeks meaning they would each only have her 26 days per year. surely she would do that without payment?

i'm sure you have already attempted to get csa from her father so comments telling you to do that are unhelpful..it can be a long drawn out process

I think your mother is one of those people who like the idea of helping, but not actually want to do it. Hense saying all year that she wants to help, then when it's close to her having to make good on those offers, she does this, which is a good way of getting out of it, as if you have to pay that money anyway, you might as well pay it to the nursery, but then it's you deciding not to use her, not her withdrawing her offer.

Use the nursery, in the future, nod and smile when your mum makes grand offers, don't plan for it. (That goes for her money she's inherited, if she offers it, wait until it's in your bank before you commit to anything - she sounds like the type to do that...)

YANBU I think it is awful that she wants payment to be honest. If she doesn't want to look after your DD thats fine and entirely her decision and I wouldn't be cross about that but to say she'll look after her and want payment, that is taking the piss. I would tell her not to bother and send DD to nursery instead.

I pay my mum what I would the nursery to have my DS one or two mornings a week while I work.

Not happy about it but I'd rather that he was with her getting one to one attention than being one of many at nursery so I suck it up.

maybe when she first offered to look after dd one day a week, she hadn't really thought it through. It is a huge committment. Her asking for money could just be a way to try and get out of doing it. It does seem abit odd that when she first offered to look after your dd she did not mention money.

If she has just inherited some money, she may be thinking that she can do things that she has not been able to do before eg travel, and feels that she may not be able to do this if she has committed to look after your dd.

I think your mother is one of those people who like the idea of helping, but not actually want to do it.

Spot on. My mother's mother lived with us from when I was 9. When she went back to work, she had all the childcare she could ever need, free of charge, plus someone helping to look after the house (although my parents 'paid' in other ways, it has to be said, because she wasn't always the easiest of people to live with.)

When my mother has come over to us to 'help' out with the children it's been a disaster when she was one her own. There is absolutely no sense of - someone did this for me, maybe if I've offered I could do it graciously etc etc. We only ever took her up on it when we were on our knees as well- like when I first went back to work and DD1 picked up literally every bug possible from nursery and I had weeks off from work. I still had to work from home to help my mom look after DD -and still got it in the neck for treating her 'like the nanny.'

OP I don't think that your mum wants to help. Asking for payment is her way of letting you know that. The reason for my lengthy preamble is that when you let people like this 'help' it can end up being 10x harder for you - I really think it's better to face this now, when they bail or make you feel bad for letting them help than after you've started working.

I think either your Mum should either accept looking after your DD because she's happy to do it or say no in the first place. If she agrees to do it under sufferance she will always try and cancel potentially leaving you in a hole.

If you decide to use the nursery instead of Grandma, then you can always point out to your mother that you only get the childcare element of tax credits if you are using registered childcare, so paying her would cost you a lot more than using the nursery would.

She doesn't want to constantly be your free childminding service, why on earth should she? It's likely that she is trying to prevent you from taking the piss by thinking it's acceptable to dump your daughter on her every time you want free babysitting, you sound like the type who would take advantage and you've probably already pushed her too far on this issue.

It's not about the money, it's about you not respecting her time. yabu. Grow up and get over yourself.

callmemrs - Its just ime most gps are falling over themselves to do it. Not from being asked they just want to do it. Except for a very small amount of people everyone I know has gps that do this. I think it depends on the area though and what your used to that will shape your ideas about this. Also it definitely depends on how old the gps are as I dont know many elderly or frail gps.

Maybe it does depend on the area, and whether it's the sort of place where families tend to stick around for generations. Generally speaking though, I think if gp's are still relatively young and fit, they are likely to be still working themselves, or newly retired and wanting to enjoy what that brings. If they are old and frail, then it's unreasonable and possibly unsafe to expect them to be childminders

I accept there may be some gps who are still young and fit enough, but not in employment and not bothered about taking on something which will restrict what they do (though personally if I had parents in this position I could NEVER let them childmind my kids regularly while I kept all my earnings- I would feel really mean).
However I get the feeling from MN that there are an awful lot of entitled people out there who kind of expect it automatically from their parents and throw hissy fits if they don't get it. And don't even get me started on the threads where granny does free childcare and then mum throws a tantrum Because she let little johnny eat a packet of crisps or watch 15 minutes of telly!!

I think you are NBU for not wanting to pay her and for being disappointed by her not being happy to help for free.

I am always interested in the differences of opinions on these threads. I went back to work 4 months ago and my DM has DD 2/3 days a week and my XMIL 1/2 days.

I know it's a big ask and have always been very clear that if it gets too much I will make alternative arrangements. XMIL won't take any money and I give my DM a small amount to treat herself at the hairdressers but she won't take anything else. They are both horrified at the suggestion of nursery or anything like that because they want to help.

I am lucky that I have family who are a) local b) able and c) willing and I understand that this isn't the case for everyone, but I do think it is sad that your DM is in the position to help you and won't.

It's not about "entitlement" or anything like that, it's just hoping family will help out at a difficult time.

If I were you I'd look at reducing your hours and going back p/t - you said you're not sure about going back f/t anyway so maybe 3/4 days a week and have a look into tax credits because you may find it makes up the difference for you.

I don't think this is actually about the child care. I think this is about the OP expecting her mum to do what she said she would do. And it's about being able to rely on her for help, when things are tough for the OP financially.

bobbledunk, I think you are reading far more into this OP than is actually stated. She wants her mum to help her for one day per week and do the 'odd bit of babysitting'. It's hardly dumping her dd on her mum.

OP - if you were me, I'd talk to my mum, say financially its better to pay nursery and put your DD in for 4 days, because of tax credits etc, but ask genuinely - is it because a day is too much for her? Maybe ask if she'd prefer to look after her for half a day? Or if not, just say you're totally happy to put her in nursery for 4 days. Be lighthearted and objective about it all.

You have to ask her to be blatantly honest with you about the money side of things. What she says will speak volumes.

My own mum is great - helps out in emergency / slight illness of DSs, but doesn't want anything regular. I appreciate her honesty and thank her like no tomorrow when she does help out with childcare ad-hoc emergencies (like tomorrow!). To be honest, the ad-hoc looking after is much more valued in our house, as that's when we're up shit creek!

The 'rule' we have is that I pay my mum some money (not nursery rates) when she looks after DSs when I am working.

For the odd birthday night out and she comes and sits, I don't pay her then.

I feel that if I am benefitting financially from working, then I should pay her something for looking after the boys during that time. Maybe just me though.

I do think it depends on how much you do for each other as a family. Like today my DB has been round doing DIY for us, yesterday we gave him a lift quite far to pick something up etc. Everyone in our family, and in local families do everything for each other. Same as I would for a neighbour or my friends. Same as when Mum, dad, mil or fil get old they can move in with us straight away if they ever struggle cause its family and community and its what you do if you love someone imo.

My mum won't do it on a regular basis full stop. Payment or no payment. Doesn't want to be tied, she is retired and has her own life and I completely understand.( Don't want to be doing the school run in my 60's either!) It has cost me over 50K in childcare fees over the years though. Those who have family on the child care rota for free should count themselves very lucky.

I cant believe you thought she should be biting your hand off to look after your DD !!!!

No matter how sweet and easy your DD is its a lot of work and responsibility to take on one day a week every week

I too find it amazing the number of people who assume their parents will provide childcare for them and ime many of them do it because they feel they will be judged badly or marginalised by their DC if they dont.

YABU

Actually OP I wonder if it is your attitude (i.e. the way you seem to think that you're doing her a favour by 'letting' her provide free childcare for you ) that has prompted her to mention payment? Because that would rub a lot of people the wrong way.

My mum often looks after my DS for a few hours and it would never have occurred to me to offer to pay her! She enjoys looking after him (she used to say before I even met my DH that if I ever had a baby she'd look after it if I wanted her to and as she's now retired we've taken her up on that). I think it might be reasonable to offer to cover expenses, for example petrol or the cost of outings, but nothing more. And can you chase your ex for maintenance?

Because I had always wanted to offer this to my dd I would be hurt if she offered money.When dgs1 was born I was just dx with cancer so had to a[wait and b] limit the number of days I could offer.Now my greatest wish is for all my dgc to remember me and regular childcare helps ensure this with the two youngest.The others are too far away.I think op's mum needs to consider the impact of her actions on her relationship with her dd and eventually with her dgc.
No one can make her do it though.

If a relationship is dependent on the grandparent providing free childminding while the parent earns , then frankly it doesn't say much for the quality of the relationship. My own grandparents lived about 3 hours away so I didn't see them very frequently but they were the best grandparents I could have wished for. I feel sorry for those who seem to think it all boils down to money and getting something free on their terms. I really do.

I think it depends so much on the person as to whether GPs actually can help to care for grandchildren. My MiL feels responsible for helping to look after her DGCs (our nephews) in order to give her daughter, but although she isn't particularly elderly or frail, she finds looking after two active little boys is just too much for her in her 60s, and I suspect it's not very enjoyable for any of them. She certainly finds it very tough, and is getting ready to bite the bullet and tell her daugher she can't do it any more.

"I think she's perhaps regretting the decision to offer childcare once a week and I need to rethink my arrangements. It's a shame because for years she's been telling me how much she wanted GC and how she planned to look after them and help out."
If the OP did display the sense of entitlement she's being accused of, it sounds to me she was encourage to do so.