to ask my mum to look after my DC for one day a week for free?

[slowginny]

I'm about to go back to work full time and have arranged childcare for my DD so mum has her one day a week, my dad has her another and she goes into nursery for the other three days a week. I'm a single mum without maintenance from my DD's dad so the money's a bit thin on the ground. My new job doesn't pay especially well but it will be good for me get back to work (although in my heart I'd rather stay at home with DD!).

Just three weeks before I'm due to start, Mum's asked me to pay her what I would pay the nursery on the day she has her. I'm reluctant to do this, partly because I don't want to set a precedent for paying her every time she has my daughter (including the odd bit of babysitting) but also because mum's not exactly short of a bob or two and is retired.

I've spoken to my dad (parents are divorced) to see if he'd like paying and his response was unequivocally no! Indeed he thought it a pleasure to be able to see his only granddaughter on a regular basis.

Am I being a cow for not wanting to pay her? This is the only grandchild they have and she is a wonderful little girl and very little trouble to have around. I kind of think she should be biting my hand off!

If and when I have the joy of becoming a grandparent, I'm sure I'll adore seeing my grandchildren and building a relationship with them. If I am needed in any kind of emergency, I'd be there. I'd also hope to provide ad hoc babysitting if convenient, and would not expect to be paid for it- it will be time given freely

I will NOT however, want to sign up to providing regular childcare. This is because I will either be:
A) still working myself- and frankly, my work life is no less important than my children's
B) retired, in which case this will be the first time in 40- odd years of full time work, and raising our own family, that dh and I will be free agents to take up daytime classes, accept last minute invites to friends- or go travel the world if we so desire

And if my adult children respond to that by feeling hard done by, and that we arent as "close" a family as they'd like, then I will feel sad for having raised such selfish people that they measure "love" by providing free childcare

The sense of entitlement by a few people on here, who seriously seem to judge the closeness of family by whether you can get them to look after the kids for free while you earn, is mindboggling

YABU

Why should she be biting your hand off to want to do this? As a one-off, or when she wants to fins, but as a regular commitment then I think that the only reasonable thing is to pay.

Are you sure that your dad is well enough to do this? If he is recovering from having cancer he might struggle more than he thinks.

slowginny, when you say you 'arranged' childcare; how did that conversation with your mother go? As in, did she offer, did you ask, was money discussed at all? And how has she been in the past over 'giving'?

Callmemrs Exactly- I think some people assume retired parents just sit around all day waiting to die, so a day of unpaid childcare should be the highlight of their week.

It's always interesting to see the different views on a thread like this!

I'm a grandparent who would never ask for payment to look after our grandchildren - I love looking after them. They are part of me and DH too.

I get to spoil them and have the joy of seeing their faces light up when they see me.

I work mostly part-time and if I can help my DD and SIL I will.

I was in the fortunate position of having my parents and PIL helping out with my DC by collecting them after school etc. and I like to think I'm paying that forward in a way.

But I can also see the point of view of those who want to enjoy their spare time etc. after their own kids have grown.

I dont think any GP should be expected to provide childcare for their children...but if they offer, I think it is crass in the extreme to ask to be paid a 'nursery rate'.

Oh, and just to add: my mum doesnt sit around on her arse all day waiting to see her GC - she volunteers, she is politically active, she is doing a PHD - but her GC are the centre of her world, tbh, and she lives locally and is happy to have the kids after school a few times a week and babysit as and when. She adores them.

That's not a dig at anyone, but there is a very different culture in this country, ime, where GP might see their GC once a month and /or never babysit, even though they live 'round the corner. I do find that odd, but different strokes...

I thought families were all about supporting one another and tbh if this is an only grandchild you'd think she would be pleased to do it. Firstly she has the pleasure of some one on one time with a grandchild and secondly offers her daughter some support.

Families used to support one another - in my family we still do and my Mum would consider it a joy to do this for me. I would equally offer her payment (which she would refuse) and make sure I took her out for lunch when I could afford to do so.

My mum looked after ds two days a week when I went back to work (he was in nursery the other 3). I tried to pay her - set up an account and give her a card etc, or at least pay her expenses - but she refused. TO assuage my guilt, I often buy flowers and stuff, but she knows that ultimately, we are working for the good of our kids and that the money is for them.

We've benefited by having someone who loved ds to bits look after him; mum's benefited by having him to herself twice a week and they have a lovely relationship.

I ask her frequently if she still wants to do it, but she reckons she enjoys it. SHe's going to have two of them in September and agin, I'm going to keep telling her that if it's too much, we'll up the nursery days.

Salmotrutta, I hear what you're saying.

My gradmother cared for us when my mum worked , my mum cares for my children while I work....and if I am fortunate enough, and my children ask me to, I will be happy to do the same for them should they have families of their own...

I agree Lucy that it's extremely bad form to offer something and then later ask for payment

I just wonder whether sometimes gps feel pressurised into agreeing to something they don't really want. Particularly in the light of threads like this where some people actually state "it's what loving families do", "it's a sign of a close family" etc . It can place huge pressure on gp's to sign up to something which they may not really want to do

Once again, providing free childcare is NOT a sign of how much the gp's love and care for their grandchildren. There are fabulous gp's who do provide regular childcare and fabulous ones who dont. It's very sad that anyone can even think of measuring a relationship in this way

As people have pointed out, your Mother isn't a registered childcarer, so wouldn't be covered by tax credits - she's actually more expensive than nursery. Plus she doesn't have to make a profit as nurseries do, or have the overheads that nurseries do. She doesn't have to employ people or pay tax and NI. So it's ridiculous for her to expect to be paid at the same rate as a nursery.

BUT there's nothing you can do about it. Presumably the money thing is a ruddy big hint that she really doesn't want to do it. Either that or she's incredibly greedy and motivated by money (my ex-BIL's family is like this, they relate to each other using the medium of cold hard cash rather than actual affection or conversation - main reason he's an ex).

Lucy - I was (and am) so bowled over at becoming a Gran (as was DH at becoming a Grandad) I couldn't wait to get my hands on them when they were born!

If, OP, you Mum agreed to do every monday (for example), she has signed herself up to every monday. For the foreseeable future. No events with her friends, no sporadic long weekends away, and what if she wants to go abroad for a week, fortnight or month? Maybe she is regretting saying yes, and by asking for payment she is giving you the option to put DD in nursery for an extra day.

Ad Hoc care from the GPs is nice, and imo something they should want to do every now and again, not all the time, and for free (because they specifically want to spend that day with their DC). However, arranged, formal care should be paid for.

I do think she is BU for asking for the same rate as the Nursery, as they are paid on reflection of overheads, staffing, qualifications, of which she mas minimal. I think it would have been nice if, when asking her to do a certain day you offered to contribute, as she may actually be asking as she thinks it would have been more polite for you to offer and her decline.

Fwiw, my Dmum will be providing childcare for me when I return to work, however she is a Childminder, and I have insisted that, as she will be giving up a place for another child in order to have mine, that I pay her her going rate. She has agreed, but under duress, as she thinks she should be able to provide help as and when I need it for free. I, on the other hand, do not want to take advantage of her good nature.

Hmm, I think YABU in that your mum isn't obliged to provide free childcare for you, and you sound rather entitled to think she should be 'biting your hand off' to do you this favour.

Though she was a bit unreasonable to let you believe it would be free then say she wants payment at short notice. Do you think there's something going on, e.g. you've offended her somehow and this is a passive-aggressive way of showing it?

Honestly if she's going to be difficult and mess you about, and you have to pay for that day anyway, you might as well just use the nursery full-time. This would be my preference anyway, employing family members can get messy and it's often best to keep family and business separate if you can.

Book your DD into nursery for another day and tell your mum it is illegal to pay her (unless the care is taking place in your own home)

I would be a bit concerned that asking for payment is her way of letting you know that you are asking too much from her. Maybe she feels she won't be able to cope? If she was loking forward to it then I'm sure payment wouldn't have crossed her mind, but maybe she feels taken for granted?

is she fit and well? My mum is nearly 80 and very frail and she cannot cope with active toddlers. Maybe she is secretly hoping that you will use the nursey instead and chrishes her free time
It is hard I have no help whatso ever from any family so me and DH never go out togetherr cos we can;t afford a babysitter. We have just paid nearly £250 for OOSC for Easter Hols where my friend getd GP help free. Life's not fair is its?

Also something to consider is there is no help with chilcare costs if its not OFSTED registered. If you are on a low income you will prob be eliginle to claim 70% back

I'm on the fence about this one.

Whilst I think she's being unfair in wanting the same payment that you'd be paying nursery, I can also see the point that others are making about no one being entitled to free childcare. You're lucky in that your dad is willing to do one day per week, free of charge, which is more than a lot of people get from grandparents.

I think if it was me I would say to your mum that you are going to send your DD to nursery for that 4th day, because of tax credits insisting that a registered childcare provider is used, and see what she says.

YABU in the sense that it sounds as though you just assumed this arrangement was free but your mum is also BU for not having said something before hand. I would put your DD into nursery for an extra day as this sounds like trouble to me. Before doing that I would go and speak to your mum and explain you had been under the impression she would have your DD for free due to your personal circumstances and let her have her say. She may be short of money,or thinks you are taking advantage, but I do think you both need to air your feelings. I hate to say it OP but it doesn't sound to me like your mum wants to do this and there almost ceratinly be other issues down the line.

I think pay her transport costs to get to your house and enough money for a treat. I hear what you are saying though. You are an adult and have to make your way in the world.

In my opinion YANBU. My MIL looked after her other grandchild one day a week for nearly 3 years so that BIL & his ex partner could go back to work. She isn't exactly rolling in money, but would never have dreamed of asking for or accepting money. It's not like you're asking her for full time childcare. I find her attitude quite odd, actually - most grandparents - those who want to see their GC, anyway! - would love a day a week with them.

Yanbu! My mum would b insulted if I offered to pay her for looking after my dd's. In fact my mum and mil have both offered to have dd's for 1or 2 days each when I hopefully go back to work in September. I think its sad when people u should be able to rely on act this way. Saying that, if ur dad can't do both I would prob pay her so dd doesn't have to go to nursery for that day.

I've already told DD13 that I'll be looking after any GC if she goes to work. I can't wait!