to ask my mum to look after my DC for one day a week for free?

[slowginny]

I'm about to go back to work full time and have arranged childcare for my DD so mum has her one day a week, my dad has her another and she goes into nursery for the other three days a week. I'm a single mum without maintenance from my DD's dad so the money's a bit thin on the ground. My new job doesn't pay especially well but it will be good for me get back to work (although in my heart I'd rather stay at home with DD!).

Just three weeks before I'm due to start, Mum's asked me to pay her what I would pay the nursery on the day she has her. I'm reluctant to do this, partly because I don't want to set a precedent for paying her every time she has my daughter (including the odd bit of babysitting) but also because mum's not exactly short of a bob or two and is retired.

I've spoken to my dad (parents are divorced) to see if he'd like paying and his response was unequivocally no! Indeed he thought it a pleasure to be able to see his only granddaughter on a regular basis.

Am I being a cow for not wanting to pay her? This is the only grandchild they have and she is a wonderful little girl and very little trouble to have around. I kind of think she should be biting my hand off!

It is also illegal to pay anyone not registered to look after your children not in your own house.

YANBU to be a bit surprised that she has asked although of course you can't expect free childcare automatically. It's odd that she's raised it late in the day.

I would probably, same as you, feel a tad disappointed.

I'd find out the rates of local childminders (cheaper than nursery) and offer her that or something similar to cover costs, but otherwise use nursery.

Schoolsnightmare- absolutely agree. I also wouldn't presume to "tell" any of my children that I'll be providing childcare for any future grandchildren. It will their and their future partners decision about that sort of thing. Some parents prefer nursery for toddlers upward anyway as it provides a different sort of structure and interaction. Also- what if the future in-law granny wants to do childcare too?! It's up to the parents to decide what they want to do. The grandchildren aren't there just to satisfy the gp's desires!

Saggy it isn't illegal for grandparents to look after their gc for payment.

I think you are expecting too much. You want two days of free chidcare plus babysitting. Your dad has been ill and your mum quite clearly doesnt want to sign up to such a regular commitment to somebody elses child.

They should be able to enjoy being grandparents without them getting no choice in the day and amount of time.

As you can claim tax credits help, it would make far more sense to use nursery for the 5 days then you dont put on anybody and have cover for illness and holidays.

Not providing childcare doesnt mean anybody should think any less of a parent, they've raised their children so shouldnt need to start again when they have no control over the situation.

It does sound like she just doesn't really want to do it at all. Admittedly it might be simpler if she just said so, if that's the case!

I wouldn't expect a parent to provide childcare on a regular basis like this - it's one thing to step in and help when you're really stuck, or babysit occasionally so you can have an evening out, but a regular commitment like this is a lot to ask of someone, especially if you expect it for free.

Yes maybe it would be nice if she did want to do it as a favour, but if she doesn't she doesn't. I'd book the extra day of nursery and leave it at that, it's a shame things didn't work out as you wanted but there's not much you can do about it.

I'm a grandmother. I'm a very long way off being retired or economically inactive but I do love the chance to spend regular time with my dgd and I like to be available whenever asked to look after her. Personally, because I know that any childminding would help ds2 and ddil to bring in much-needed extra income, I'd not charge. But even if this wasn't the case, I can't see a situation where I'd dream of charging them money to look after dgd.

But at the same time, I think I'd be reluctant to sign up for something as regular as one whole day of every week because that would affect my earning power and, while I don't want to come across as selfish, I've got my own life to live as well. My dcs are adults now and the years of raising small children (no matter how delightful) are behind me and I've now got a degree of freedom that I like to exercise.

So I'm wondering if the OP's mother now regrets committing herself to having her granddaughter every week and has suggested charging as a means of getting out of it. But it would be rather more honest to say so if this is the case.

I'd pay the extra day's nursery fees in your case OP. I suspect you will get a much more reliable service and certainly, one that will be less fraught with family drama.

If my dc needed me to help out with child care, so they could work (and weren't earning very much), I'd be happy to do so.

The OP isn't asking for full time child care for 4 kids, she just wants her mum to help her out, by looking after one child, for one day per week. That's not a big ask imo. It won't limit her mother's social life and even if it did, surely helping out your kids when they need you, is more important. I view my commitment to my kids as a forever deal, not just until they are adults themselves, so if they need a bit of support, they will get it.

This would change how I viewed her. OP, I would use the nursery and claim back the costs via the child care provision from the govt.

I think your mum is being greedy asking for a nursery fee did she offer or did you ask her I think if she wants the money i would just put her in nursery for an extra day , or ask your dad , I wouldnt want your mum to be out of pocket but asking for a fee is bloody cheeky imo .

YADNBU

your dd is a nursery not your mum

Good post. schoolsnightmare

I think OP's mother does not want the commitment maybe she would be happy to be second or third on call in case DD is sick and can not go to nursery

my mother loves DD to bits and even if we were close enough ( which they are not) she and my dad are too old to do whole days care, they are happy to do odd afternoon in our home or theirs but will not take her out alone as can not run after her

as someone else said earleir it is perfectly legal to pay the childs grandparents aunts uncles brothers sisters (quoting ofsted a childs close relations by blood, marriage or affinity) etc to do childcare without being registered you just can not use child care vouchers unless they are

Schools, I never said a parent has to do everything their grown up dc ask for (and yes, some adult dc do take the piss and that shouldn't be tolerated), but, the woman has just inherited £250k, whereas her dd will have an annual salary of £21k. This is the time when the dd needs her mum to help out a bit.

She could say that she only wants to do one day, and if OP's circumstances change, then of course they need to talk about commitments, going forward. But as things stand, the OP is only talking about one child and one day per week.

Not wanting to make a small, but regular commitment on the off chance that you might go on holiday or get a more 'interesting' offer than being with your dgc/helping your own dc, does imo, reflect on how much you love your children. What is essentially says is 'I will love and support you, but only when it suits me to do so'.

The sort of woman who asks to be paid the same as a nursery, for looking after her own dgc, is unlikely,I think, to worry over much about letting her daughter down. Job done, already.

Thanks everyone for the replies, I've read them carefully and there's some very helpful opinions here (and a great deal of polarity!).

I think she's perhaps regretting the decision to offer childcare once a week and I need to rethink my arrangements. It's a shame because for years she's been telling me how much she wanted GC and how she planned to look after them and help out. I think the reality is a little different in this case.

I'm also wondering if I'm really ready to go back full time? Lots to think over....

I'm sure she does love her grandchild op- please don't start to doubt the strength of her feeling. This doesn't necessarily translate to really wanting the commitment each week though. She was perhaps unwise to go on so much about wanting to take regular care of a grandchild before one even existed! I agree that the reality isn't always the same. It's easy to say things beforehand, and then faced with the actual restrictions this would impose, to realise you dont feel it's the right arrangement.

Hopefully when there are no strings attached and your mum can see your dd without having to do it to fit your work pattern, you'll realise she really does enjoy her grandchild

I haven't read the other replies but my response would be don't bother then, I'll send her to the nursery. Your mum doesn't have to help you for free, but IMO childcare by my DM or MIL has never been totally ideal (they spoil the DC and do things their way) - I am grateful but that's the way it is. I agree a bit shit esp if she has enough money and only once a week.

That all being said my MIL would never agree to one day a week (my mum lives abroad) but she does help for free in emergencies if she can manage (which she often can).

So if the money was the same, I think I'd go for the nursery, but use her for emergencies (and there will be emergencies eg if your child is a bit ill and can't go to nursery).

Plus if you want to pay her she needs to register as a childminder.

I agree with mohterinferior, I am sorry but I think she really doesn't want to do it. I am sure she loves your dd but I think she doesn't want the responsibility of looking after a young dc all day once a week.

"Plus if you want to pay her she needs to register as a childminder."

As has been said before - No she doesn't need to register as a childminder if she is being paid to look after her gc

Your mum is BU changing her mind at the last minute .

I'm bloody lucky as my mum is committed to helping 3/4 days a week with school / nursery runs and has never even accepted money for petrol.

Tell your mum that you rather put her in the nursery for 4 days then, as you get tax credits for ofsted registered childcare, but nothing for the day she is with grandma, so therefore you wont be able to afford paying her.

I agree with motherinferior too.

If either of my dc make me a grandma (please God!) I really don't think I would want to provide regular childcare for them either.

I feel that a lot of assumptions are made, generally, about how much childcare grandparents want to provide.